7 yr relationship, is there still hope????

[Kuite09]

Hi Guys, Im new to all this and here is my story.....

 

To make a story short, my ex and I dated for 7 yrs we broke up in 2007 for about a year and then got back together and broke up in March of this year.

 

Since our break up in March this year we talked almost every week due to some family issues I was going thru and of course me calling him driving him crazy begging and crying to him to take me back.

 

Back in May I injured my foot hanging out with some friends and he went to the hospital to visit me and took me home and took care of me. 2 days after that we spoke a couple of times but then I started the NC

 

Well its no been 3 weeks of NC and I am driving myself crazy.... on Father's day I texted him to say happy fathers day since hes a dad and he replied with a cute respond saying "Thank u very much booboo.....I mean Jackie "

I guess he was trying to be cute with the response in the message.

Well other than that he hasnt called, emailed or nothing nor have I.

 

Last Sunday I broke NC again, I texted him to tell him that Im always thinking of him and no matter what that I will always love him (i know that was very mushy) but he replied saying "you know I feel the same way, always" so I left it at that but the next day on Monday he texted me again saying "thanks for the text lastnight, he made my eyes water but it put a smile on my face" I replied saying "I just wanted to let you know how I feel and miss you I hope one day things can be different. He replied saying "I miss you 2 and maybe one day it can.

 

Lastnight I broke NC AGAIN (UGH SHOOT ME) I sent him a text saying happy 4th and can me when you can Ive been wanting to hear your voice and he responded "I will call you tomorrow"

 

I feel so so stupid for contacting him so much but I feel like I f**ked things up so bad right after the break up and even during the relationship.

 

The reason for the break up was some trust issues on my part and my ways and attitude he felt that I was too clingy and I had a bad habit of speaking to him in a messed up way.

 

Btw, I am 28 and he's 35.

 

 

ANY ADVICE WOULD REALLY HELP ME GUYS!!!!!

[Eocsor]

Could it work again, only he knows for sure. Why not just ask if he wants to try again. Just come straight out and ask the question. At least that way you'll know where you stand.

 

If he gives you an "I'm confused or I'm not sure right now" answer, go No Contact. Because you don't want to wait around for something that might not happen. Just go on with your life as if he's not in it then. The future will take care of itself.

[Kuite09]

Could it work again, only he knows for sure. Why not just ask if he wants to try again. Just come straight out and ask the question. At least that way you'll know where you stand.

 

If he gives you an "I'm confused or I'm not sure right now" answer, go No Contact. Because you don't want to wait around for something that might not happen. Just go on with your life as if he's not in it then. The future will take care of itself.

 

I don't think I mentioned before I started the NC he did say hes been meeting people and dating someone, when he told me that I flipped and after that was when I got injured and he came to take care of me etc. He continued to tell me I love you and everything but after these 3 weeks passed of NC it made me feel like damn wait a sec, this could be for real and for good.

I guess its true when they say you don't know what you got till its gone.

 

Now I feel by texting him yesterday I am forcing him to call me instead of calling me on his own. Hes never been so long without contacting me so this is driving me insane.

[tresqua]

Hes never been so long without contacting me so this is driving me insane.

 

That's because you have never really accepted that he broke up with you.

 

As the denial starts to fade, the pain is greater but there's no way around that, you just gotta go through it.

[catfeeder]

What were the reasons for both of the breakups?

 

(Those matter.)

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know if I could even tolerate all of this for seven years. No consideration of a future together? Committment? I don't know. If such a long relationship breaks up twice and there is all this drama, I would tend to think it's not healthy.

[Kuite09]

What were the reasons for both of the breakups?

 

(Those matter.)

 

Reasons for break up were some trust issues on my end and some issues with my attitude and ways. I would act a bit immature at times and if I did'nt get my way I would get upset or whatever.

It got to a point that he felt like I was being to clingy and just wanted to be away from me due to the arguments and drama.

We do have a whole lot of love for each other and we deeply fell in love to the point we knew we were each others soulmates.

 

I spoke to him yesterday and he sounded somewhat down and bla, he didn't sound like himself.

It was a little strange to tell you the truth....I started to tell him how I been feeling and what this time apart has made me realize and he was very interested in hearing what I had to say.

 

He stated hes been wanting to call me but he thought I did't want to hear from him but he said he'll keep in contact so lets see what happens next.

[Kuite09]

I spoke to him a couple of days ago again because I decided to send him a card by mail since it was 7 yrs ago that we met.

He called me as soon as he got the card in the mail and was really happy to receive it.

 

We spoke for a good 30 min, he stated he loves me and cares for me alot and that just becuz he doesnt call doesnt mean he don't care anymore he just respects me and doesnt want to lead me on or hurt me.

 

He stated he doesnt want to burn his bridges and with his previous ex girlfriends he never cared to speak to them again but with me its different becuz I am a very important part of his life. In additional to that he spoke about the healing process when we last broke up and how we got to start to date lil by little and didnt rush anything.

 

 

He said you never know what happens and yes the though of getting back together has crossed my mind before so who knows what the future holds.

He told me that at this point all he thinks about is the good memories we had not the drama and b.s and if things were to change one day he wants to start off from the good memories not the bad ones.

He also told me that I can always tell him how I feel and we can speak as long as its on decent respectful term, not drama or arguing.

 

I felt stupid at one point after I dropped the card in the mailbox cuz I feel like ive gone out of my way to make attempts to show him I care and even though he has responded to every text, call or message. He hasn't made no attempts on his own.

I did state that to him and he said that the same way I did something for him when he least expect it that who knows maybe one day he'll do the same for me.

 

I have yet to hear a word of reconciliation or nothing from him the 2 times we spoken since I went NC, am I suppose too? or is it too soon? I have no idea what to think.

Hes not telling me no nor hes not telling me yes.

 

Do i need to go complete NC on him instead of limited contact? Do I need to disappear completely?

 

 

So I don't know what to expect, he was being very sweet and honest but of course I am not hearing what I want to hear.

Hes a grown man and as he told me on Monday when we spoke, he said im not a kid anymore so you telling me how you feel and me telling you how I feel its just the honest truth. We still have strong feelings for each other and we still care deeply.

[catfeeder]

Going NC for at least a while serves a few purposes. First it opens you to learning some valuable information that initiating contact regularly blocks you from learning--mainly, when, if ever, he'll be thoughtful enough about you to make contact himself. Second, it pushes your concentration onto cultivating your own life without him as your central focus.

 

This is core life skill building, and it will enable you to interact with him going forward without adding the giant sucking sound of intensity to your exchanges. He'll respect you more for that, and as time goes forward without word from you, he'll either think fondly enough of you and miss you enough to contact you, or he won't. If not, that's something you should learn how to accept because it's an answer to your questioning about a future with him. If he contacts you voluntarily, and you can receive that contact from a place of confidence in your own life, which you're learning how to live well without him, your chances of attracting his curiosity and interest and sentimentality are far greater than if he senses you've been waiting for him.

 

Head high.

[hello678]

Look, its very clear the guy is burning hot and cold.

 

But here is one thing for certain, you have tried reaching out to him, you have tried talking to him and its not working. I know you don't want to think badly of him, but it sounds like you are still in the mode that your in a relationship, were as he is just enjoying the attention. He really is keeping you on a string 'one day it might work out' etc etc.

 

Its a very difficult thing to come with the loss of a relationship, but you need to stop talking to him now. That means no calls, no letters, no texts, no facebook (block him on facebook) no emails, no running into him. NOTHING.

 

If he misses you that much and thinks he wants you back he will call you.

 

Everytime you reach out to him it makes you seem weak, really weak and it makes him respect you less. So it will most likely make him sure in his decision if you keep to do this.

 

So what can you do in the situation? You can not contact him. Ever again. And you can move on with your life. What you are doing is not healthy, your just waiting for him to come back and there is a high chance that he won't.

 

Its difficult to decide why he is talking to you, but either he's too gutless to upset you but not enough to take you back / he wants to keep you on a string / he wants to date other girls and than come back to you. I really don't know.

 

Honestly, the link in my sig sets out a good guideline I think to dealing with these situations. But at the very minimum you need to stop contacting him, not for a week, not for a month, but forever. He'll reach out to you if he wants you back.

[Kuite09]

Thanks...I know at this point what I need to do is go NC on him completely.

[Kuite09]

I guess the part that continues to confuse me is that the 2 times we've spoken by phone and the 3 times ive texted him he always responds with something sweet or nice and by phone he seems very interested in what I have to say. Hes asked me what as this time apart made me realize and all so things like that make me feel like I have a chance.

I know this man cares for me, hes a very emotional and caring person but now that we are broken up I just hope hes not still telling me he loves me cuz he wants to play with me head.

He already told me he doesnt want to lead me on but he does still love me deeply and I mean a whole lot to him.

I guess that is why hes not telling me yes nor no about getting back together.

[hello678]

Just because he's nice doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you. Tbh it doesn't matter if he's nice or mean, caring or not caring, a jerk or prince charming. It really doesn't matter. He's made the decision that he doesn't want you as his partner and until he changes his mind he needs to disappear.

 

The old saying is people don't know what they've got until its gone... so get going.

 

The problem is I don't want to tell you that so you'll use it as a method of getting him back. The fact is your not together and he's dating other people, you really should not contact him ever again.

[Kuite09]

Just because he's nice doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you. Tbh it doesn't matter if he's nice or mean, caring or not caring, a jerk or prince charming. It really doesn't matter. He's made the decision that he doesn't want you as his partner and until he changes his mind he needs to disappear.

 

The old saying is people don't know what they've got until its gone... so get going.

 

The problem is I don't want to tell you that so you'll use it as a method of getting him back. The fact is your not together and he's dating other people, you really should not contact him ever again.

 

Its so crazy how things turn out. After so many years being in someones life and things turn out like this.

I will continue to go NC on him and thats it, I guess if he really wants to hear from me he will call me.

 

Are you saying if he does contact me to work on this that I still should keep NC on him?

Maybe Im trying to still have hope and if he does call me to work it out that it will work out but in a lot of cases it doesnt work out again.

[hello678]

Its so crazy how things turn out. After so many years being in someones life and things turn out like this.

I will continue to go NC on him and thats it, I guess if he really wants to hear from me he will call me.

 

Are you saying if he does contact me to work on this that I still should keep NC on him?

Maybe Im trying to still have hope and if he does call me to work it out that it will work out but in a lot of cases it doesnt work out again.

 

No, the problem you've been doing is that you've been continuing to contact him making it worse for you. Not only is it making it hard for you but its making the slim possibility of him coming back practically non existent.

 

If he messages or calls you and tells you he has made a direct mistake and he would like to reconcille than go with it. But unless he uses those exact words, that he wants to work on it, than you cant communicate with him. Its too hard on you.

 

If he says "lets get dinner" you can't go, you have to be confident that unless he wants to have a full on relationship you are out of his life.

 

But i need to get this through to you, don't get your hopes up. Please don't, because theres a good chance you will ignore him for a month and he won't come back. I dont wan't you to spend the month hoping for his return. I want you to get on with your life, one without him.

 

Most people have a few weeks of messing up before they know what they need to do and go full no contact, you've had your few weeks of that. But trust me if you keep doing what your doing it will be a never ending cycle for you, that and you will lose ALL dignity.

 

Tomorrows a new day, as is the day after that. Do it right from here on in.

[Kuite09]

Yea I had my few weeks alright back in May I was a complete mess. I hurt my ankle and he was the one that came to the hospital and took me home and all and after that I went nuts on him, calling him, begging him etc. So from Memorial weekend till mid June I didn't contact him but then I started to contact him by text only 2 times telling him how much I mean to him.

I did do a lot of mistakes during the relationship thats why I felt like I needed to show him that I truly care for him.

I messed up a few times and Im one of the reasons for the break up cuz he couldnt deal with my crap anymore.

[tresqua]

I wouldn't contact him or tell him anything at all. What it comes down to is that he broke up with you, he isn't entertaining any serious thoughts of reconciling with you, but he "cares about you and wants to keep you as a friend' which is obviously not something you can handle.

 

Since he's unwilling to step up to the plate in regards to reconciliation, and your contact attempts do nothing but make you appear clingy, needy, and unattractive especially given your history of begging only a short month or two ago, it is in your best interests to simply cut him off and go your own way and accept that this is over. Should it come to pass that once you go silent he starts to have second thoughts because he realizes he is losing you, and he contacts you and offers to reconcile, then you can change your strategy, but this constant waiting is going to tear you apart. Eventually you're going to move on and get over him, I suggest you start the process right NOW.

[Kuite09]

I know I need to start the process ASAP again.

I don't think he sees me as being clingy or needy becuz he was real happy to hear from me and both times we spoke over the phone the past 2 weeks we spoke for over 30 min.

Last convo which was on Monday he stated he does'nt think about the negative parts of the relationship anymore, he only thinks of the good times we had and if one day things change for the good thats were he wants to start from the positive memories not the negatives one.

Once he said that it just made me think and of course gave me sum hope.

 

But I know exactly what I need to do right now, go 100% NC.

[tresqua]

I don't think he sees me as being clingy or needy becuz he was real happy to hear from me and both times we spoke over the phone the past 2 weeks we spoke for over 30 min... he does'nt think about the negative parts of the relationship anymore, he only thinks of the good times we had

 

You could not possibly be more wrong.

 

He is happy to hear from you because he still has feelings for you HOWEVER the clingy/needy/begging thing was a huge turn off and unfortunately it outweighs the feelings he has for you. If he was only thinking of the good and not the bad then he'd be right next to you and you wouldn't be posting here about going no contact because he's not saying he wants to get back together.

[Kuite09]

You could not possibly be more wrong.

 

He is happy to hear from you because he still has feelings for you HOWEVER the clingy/needy/begging thing was a huge turn off and unfortunately it outweighs the feelings he has for you. If he was only thinking of the good and not the bad then he'd be right next to you and you wouldn't be posting here about going no contact because he's not saying he wants to get back together.

 

 

Ugh you are soooo freaking right Tresqua.

 

I know I need to stick to NC and see what happens.

If he contacts me I'll take it from there to see whats going on.

 

My ex is not a jerk hes a very emotional and caring person but I guess I just got on his last nerve and too add I got very needy and clingy.

[tresqua]

Ugh you are soooo freaking right Tresqua.

 

I know I'm right, and here's why. You and your situation remind me EXACTLY of my last relationship that ended a short 6 months ago.

 

We were together a year and a half, and with the exception of my current girlfriend, she was the closest 'perfect match' for me since the end of my marriage 5 years ago, we were even talking about moving in together at one point. Then, she started with the clingy/needy thing. Never giving me space when I needed it, calling me all the time, questioning me about online friendships with women that were completely innocent. Once she even went into my Facebook using my laptop that was set to autologin, and she DELETED a woman who was just a friend who I knew for years before her because I complimented her on how hot she looked in a photo or something of that nature. My girlfriend didn't even tell me she unfriended my woman friend, I found out because she emailed me and asked if she did something to upset me to the point of defriending her. That's messed up..

 

I even reluctantly went with her once to her therapist who after hearing our respective stories, turned to her and said "Do you understand how your actions can come accross as extremely needy and clingy and you are completely pushing this man away?". He suggested that she try not to contact me for a few days and see if she could handle it. Do you know that on the car ride home, when I said "See, your therapist agreed with me!", she said "Oh he only said I "appear" to be needy/clingy not that I AM!. Arggh...

 

She also called me the very next day even though the therapist had suggested no contact for a few days. She said "Oh that was just a silly game we were supposed to play".

 

After repeatedly warning her to back off, give me space and give the jealousy and insecurity thing a break, I finally pulled the plug. Do you know that 6 months later she STILL texts me (when the phone blocks wear off every 3 months) to tell me "what a big mistake I made breaking up with her".

 

As the dumper in that relationship I can tell you that if she was not so insecure, we would most likely still be together.

[Kuite09]

Oh wow, she kinda sounds like me at one point.

Since memorial weekend I stopped all contact, I just sent 2 text and this damn card. Like I said earlier even though I get a response from him each time and he called to thank me for the card I know this came out of me not him.

Hes always been the one to say don't push things (even when we were together) let things happen naturally.

Im just so dam scared that I lose him for good this time, you have no clue!

 

He stated he'll catch me off guard one day with a lil unexpected surprise like I suprised him with the card so now that he left me with that, I keep wonder when and what hes going to do.

 

I FEEL SO DAMN FUSTRATED RIGHT NOW!