Trying to find closure..

[Dat]

Recently my gf (24)and I (29)decided to "take a break". We've been dating for close to 1.5 years but 1 year of it has been long distance 3 hrs away. We used to do everything together, take spontaneous trips, wine and dine each other, and just be goofy. She has been planning on moving out here for the past several months to be together but it seems to me she's been stalling.

 

The past couple months have been hard for us in that we don't really spend much time together, don't talk as long on the phone anymore or able to keep casual conversation like we used to. When we do see each other, the chemistry feels as though to have fizzled away. She asks me why I don't cuddle, kiss, or show any affection toward her like I used to. I tend to give her a dumb excuse like "I'm hot, I'm tired," or something along those lines to avoid the situation. But I guess the thing that bothers me is that her mother does not want anything to do with me much less acknowledge my presence. I'm a family man and if I were to marry this girl I'd like for her mother and father be involved in my kids life. So I want to say that might be the one of the issues that makes me distance myself from her whenever we see each other, I tend to pick fights and knit pick every little thing to where it gets on my nerves and I shut her out.

 

This past week, we were supposed to spend the weekend together and have a good time, but when she came over I noticed a love mark on her neck. I flipped out. Then got to thinking what I've done to her and realized that it wasn't just her that made her do it and that I had something to do with it as well.

 

Am I wrong for thinking that I had something to do with her trying to find the love and support that she needs? Can this relationship be re-kindled? Are we in this relationship just to be in one? I need to find closure as to where to take this

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

I agree that perhaps your being a little cold and distant towards your girlfriend because of her mother not acknowledging you may be responsible for driving a wedge between you. However, that's no excuse for her to go find affection elsewhere whilst still in a relationship with you. Have you told her how you feel about her mother not taking interest in you? If so, what has she done about it? What effort have you made to endear yourself to her mother?

 

She obvioulsy loves you enough to consider moving three hours away to be near/with you, so that's something. Her stalling [or appearing to] may simply have to do with the fact that apart from being physically distant, you've become emotionally distant too, picking fights and generally shutting her out. You two NEED to talk! Admit to her your part in being an arse to her but tell her why you've been acting that way. The situation is resolvable if you both love each other and want to make it work.

 

As for her mother - concentrate on making your woman happy. If her mother wishes her daughter to be happy, then she'll be happy for her and eventually warm up to you. However, if your girlfriend has been reporting your coldness and nit-picking moodiness to her mother, you're not going to be in her good books! The key is communication. The earlier you do it the better. Good luck!

[Dat]

She is fully aware that her mother is not taking interest in me and has tried and tried to show her that I make her happy. This woman is just a control freak and wants things her way or the highway. Most of our friends mom's are really close to my gf mother, and they try to tell her that I'm not a bad person and that does not budge her in any way. I've also tried to hold conversation with her but she wants nothing to do with me (acknowledge my presence) which I find very disrespectful. Her and her mother do not agree on most things especially her relationships from what I understand. It seems that no guy is good enough for her daughter. And I agree about if I can at least prove to her mother that I can make her happy then in time she will give in.

 

It's been 2 days since the BU, but we spoke last night about the whole incident of her "hooking up" with someone else. I think I'm ok with that for the fact, that I know I wasn't giving her the attention she deserves. She regrets that it happened and that the situation "just happened". I can live with that, it was just a kiss. At the moment she wants her space and I'm willing to give her that. I understand communication is key, and that has been something we haven't had in a long time. I'm willing to work on it. Much thanks!

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

If you're both willing to work things out, things will be OK in time. Her mother will get on board when she's ready to. I guess there's really not much you can do if she thinks no man will ever be good for her daughter!

 

Good luck to you both.

[Eocsor]

Well, if shes going to hook up with someone else when there are problems, do you think she's someone you want to build a future with? Because a long term relationship, even the best of them, come with lots of problems. Only you know what you want in life and will be happy with, but be careful you aren't ignoring some real red flags here.

[Dat]

The more and more I start to think about our relationship, 6 months is really no way of finding out if you really like some one or not. The year that we've have been dating long distance felt like we were just a friends with benefits every time I would go back to visit with her and my family. Like I've mentioned, my mind started to wander once I moved away and that was the separation and distancing she and I started to feel.

 

I'm pretty sure more people have gone through this sort of situation. Maybe I'm just being a little sensitive toward the whole thing and a feeling of rejection.

[Dat]

things don't look like they will work out. :sad:

[Dat]

It's my thread and I will vent here..hehe..I think what hurts the most is the rejection. I have got to keep my mind focused on more positive things in my life than try to dwell on something I believe will never work out. Her parents do not like me, she does not get along with her brothers, we have nothing in common, and for * * * * 's sake, she cheated on me!! When I start thinking more and more about our relationship, we never really did much other than have a lot of sex, but that started to fade away after a while. It all started to fade away for me around Jan - Feb, that I realized that her and I didn't have a bond that was holding us together and that since we have a lot of the same friends we were in it for the show.

 

I have tried to go NC but she says she needs time to gather her thoughts on our situation. I've contacted her maybe 3 times in a 10 day span until she told me that she was feeling pressured into staying in the relationship. She is planning on coming out to visit this weekend but I've come to the conclusion that I want this to be over with and not have anything to do with her for the fact that I feel strung along. Please someone tell me I'm doing the right thing.

[Dat]

Man today has been hard to face. I've been trying to keep my self occupied but every thing I do, the thought of her keeps running through my mind. One part of me says to contact her but the other says to stay strong. I need a hug. I've been reading a couple self help books to get me through this. A lot of what the books explain are basically what I'm already doing so that's a big comfort. I just need a little time to vent somewhere and release the inner feelings and I feel this is the right place since a lot of people are basically running into the same situations.

[TakingtheBlame]

Man today has been hard to face. I've been trying to keep my self occupied but every thing I do, the thought of her keeps running through my mind. One part of me says to contact her but the other says to stay strong. I need a hug. I've been reading a couple self help books to get me through this. A lot of what the books explain are basically what I'm already doing so that's a big comfort. I just need a little time to vent somewhere and release the inner feelings and I feel this is the right place since a lot of people are basically running into the same situations.

 

*HUG!!!*

 

Totally know how it feels...going through a rough post-break-up myself and needed a hug so badly this weekend that I packed myself up and took a last-minute weekend trip four hours upstate by bus to stay with my parents. Best of luck to you...trust your gut on what to do here and have faith in your decision. Things that are meant to be happen eventually regardless what steps we take in between now and the end (everything is OK in the end; if it's not OK, it's not the end.)

 

HUGS again. Stay strong.

[Dat]

thanks for the hugs. as if today couldn't get harder than it was. tried to get out and about to meet new people and hang out with old friends. mutual friends started to make me realize that everything is over. asking questions about what happened to us. now i can't frigging sleep, I keep thinking about her. I'm still trying to juggle why it hurts so bad right now. I'd like to have her back but in my mind I know that the trust factor will not be there 100%.

[Imtheretoo]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, but I feel as if maybe you're better off. When you're with someone for that long, you become accustomed to them always being there. Like you mentioned; phone conversations, the visits, and etc. I think what you are suffering isn't so much missing her as much as the emptiness and the void created by her being gone. But, one thing really stood out for me from your initial post, where you said you knit picked fights. Subconsciously, I do the same thing and just recently have, and it ended my relationship. Sometimes, you know what is good for you regardless of admitting it to yourself.

 

But, despite everything I've said there, even if it may be wrong - the one truth is that she cheated on you, and there are no excuses for betrayal. It's great that you're reading self help books and paying close attention to yourself, and I can definitely tell from your writing that you're surviving. Just stay strong and move on with your life, and just focus on everything that was wrong in your relationship. I can honestly say, I am similar to you in regards to the parents, and I would have problems with their attitude towards me as well. Good luck and we're here for you.

[Dat]

Thanks for the replies and support..much love!!

 

Taking it so hard..can't sleep..gotta vent. I want to call her and talk to her so bad. I want to know if she's feeling the same way or if she still wants to be together. I hope you are right about the emptiness and void that is causing me to feel this way. Having an LDR is hard as hell and I really want the closure to see if she's willing to still be with me as far as moving out here as she had planned.

 

Last conversation we had was via text, I hadn't heard from her in 3 days after her telling me she needed space and time to think because she felt pressured into trying to make the relationship work. (run-on) I asked her if I was going to get a phone call. she basically blew up on me and told me that her space was not being met and to expect a phone call that night. No phone call and that was the last i heard from her since. Should I expect the planned visit this weekend even though I haven't heard from her?

 

 

Like i've mentioned I'm just taking it hard today and I'm going to have to cut out the alcohol because that is definitely the driving force of why I'm feeling this way.

[mhowe]

I woouldn't expect the planned visit --- really not "space", if you get my drift. And it seems like you both have sort of pulled back from the relationship and have been going through the motions, but neither one wants to pull the trigger and end it. If even your mutual friends can see it from the outside, it seems as though comfort and habit are what you have left. It's probably time to move on.....

[Imtheretoo]

[quote=datin;4907571 Having an LDR is hard as hell and I really want the closure to see if she's willing to still be with me as far as moving out here as she had planned.

 

I know how you feel as I have had two LDRs, but in the end, the distance will help you heal faster. You don't have to worry about them being in the same city or walking to the same grocery store.. I do, currently, (and wow, I just realized that). Stop thinking about whether she misses you or is having as hard of a time.. I should do the same, and I am starting to let it go. You can't beat yourself up when in the end it was mutual. Mhowe is right, you're just both sitting on the trigger but neither of you has the courage to do it. You should go NC and give yourself space. I think there is a feeling worse than emptiness/loneliness/depression when it comes to post breakups.. it's false hope. Stay strong and prevent yourself from calling.

 

Last thing, Alcohol is a depressant. Should pull yourself together and find other ways to cope.

[Dat]

Yea, it was just last night and today I'm feeling like a ton of bricks smashing my chest. The thing is, she is moving to the same city as me. Given this is a huge metro so it's least likely to happen to run into each other if that'd be the case. I know what you mean about the false hopes/ the "what if's" in life. Believe me I'm trying my hardest to go NC today. As long as I know that there are people going through the same things as I, I believe I'll pull through this with everyone trying to cope with the same "issues", if you want to call it that. I believe in the cliche "Time will heal all wounds" and I will stick true to that. Been jamming Kid Cudi "Pursuit of Happiness" today.

 

The alcohol thing was just a mixture of going to a concert then night out on the town to hang out. But when conversations started flowing about how they haven't seen X in a while was when my night kinda went downhill and started to think about the whole situation. I'm on a diet now and knocking out alcohol for a while until I get to my ideal weight.

 

Imtheretoo: I'm with you bro, hit me up if you have a down and out day like I experienced.

[Imtheretoo]

Yeah, I hit those snags too. Someone last night said a phrase I've never before heard in my life except from her, "What's the plan, Stan?", and I immediately felt * * * * ty. But that will happen for a while, and eventually it'll phase and you'll lose that connection. I contacted the ex before this one a couple days ago, and the conversation went well. I was so indifferent to her life and the people in it, and that cliche line, "time heals all wounds," is the reason. This breakup for me is a little bit easier than the previous, and the reason could be experience but I think mostly, it's that I am busy non-stop doing what I love. Surround yourself with your friends and good times and don't worry, you'll feel that much better.

 

It's been a week for me and I am only now starting to feel like my appetite is coming back and I can finally lie down and fall asleep rather than struggle with the thoughts and obsessions that plague everyone with a broken heart. And you're right - Everyone goes through this, especially the people on this forum, reason why they are here.

 

This may be the wrong advice to give someone, but I focus on all the faults. All the immaturity, selfishness, self-absorbed behavior, and anything else that I can tie to her, and this isn't done out of anger. It's for me to realize we're not meant to be. You deserve better, as do I, so why settle for less.

[summerishere]

I dont understand.

If you wanna fight the mother by showing you can make her daughter happy, why you stop kissing your gf and actually make her miserable?

[Dat]

Couldn't handle today for anything but I feel more at ease about our BU since I broke NC. We talked for a good while about closing the chapter and carrying on with our lives. We need to find that inner peace and achieve the happiness we want out of life. I'm ok with where our conversation went and where it will lead as far as having the closure in our relationship. So as of 7-21-11 I will have my Day 1 of NC. I will stay strong. Get my happiness through helping and giving back to keep the universe spinning.

 

summerishere: Her mother disliked me straight from the first day she "saw" me. Note: she acknowledged me by giving me the "wassup head nod", so she actually never met me. Gf "was" happy up until several months ago when things started to go south.

[Dat]

I'm feeling as though I ruined this relationship due to me not paying more attention at what was going on. I realize that a lot of things that X was doing was to keep us together. Even though distance was getting in the way, she made the strides and effort to keep the spark alive. She wanted me in her life as much as she wanted to be in my life. And I'm so torn up about this. When I step aside as to what started to bother me, I feel as though I pushed her away to far and she ended up falling out of love. The things I listed as far as, her mother not approving of me, her not getting along with her brothers are things I can see past. But the cheating had a lot to do with me not giving her the attention she wanted and deserved.

 

I'm having a rough time trying to get through this. My work is being delayed. And the trip home to visit my family just starts bringing back memories of us. My parents built a new house and pretty much everything is reminding me of her and her presence. She wants her space and time. And I'm willing to give her that. I just want her back so bad. I want to give her the support of finding a job, relocating to a new city, prove her mother wrong. I know I can't and I know she's not one to give in. She's as stubborn as I am..go figure. But I'm cracking!!!

[Imtheretoo]

It's natural to analyze your mistakes and areas of the relationship where you might have been less than supportive, but one thing I have learned is, people do everything for a reason. Especially when what they're doing lasts 6 months. No doubt you miss her and are still in love with her, but does love always fix the issues in relationships? Say you two get back together. How long will it be before the same issues arise? Who's to say they won't? People don't really change, they just adapt to the circumstances but eventually, they regress back their former selves. You're lonely and miss the person you care about, which is normal, but it doesn't mean you're meant to be. Stay strong and focus on everything that was not working and you'll see.