Is this GIGS/rrebound? Will she contact me in the future?

[6yeardumped]

Hi all!

 

My story: Almost 6years together. We started when she was 23 (she was a virgin, coming from a very conservative family), I was 25. She is 29 now and I am 31.

 

We lived together for 3 years, no major problems, but I moved to another country for professional reasons. As such, we had a long distance for the last 20 months. She broke up over the phone 9 weeks ago claiming the distance was the problem. I came back to her country 1 week after BU to try to reconcile in an hysterical and pitiful way (shame on me

 

After that, I managed to come back definitely to her country (with a better job, luckily) only 3 weeks after this desperate and useless attempt to reconcile.

 

We met 3 times over the last month - since I came back to her country (and one phone call exactly after 3 weeks of NC - she broke NC due to my bday).

 

1.

In the first meeting after my return to her country/city, she cried when I surprised her by saying "I'm back for good!!!". Then, after some random talk about this change in our lives, etc, and after I made some pressure, she said that after the BU she had made out with a guy from work and that "she didnt want to, it just happened" (just kissing, no sex). I was upset and sad, but I didnt show it to her - I just told her that now being single, she could obviously do whatever she wanted.

 

2.

One week later, a second meeting took place so that she could give some documents I needed - there was no begging from my side, she cried a bit, and she gave me a lot of mixed signals (saying that she wants to fight for me, and then that she would like to see me with another girl to know what she felt for me, saying that she wanted "us to meet other people" and saying that she was confused).

I was devastated after this second meeting. I had NO IDEA what was going on in her head, and I thought she was just not being honest with me. I went NIC (and informed her), but left the door open for her to contact me for whatever (talk, reconcile, random chat, whatever).

 

After that, NC for 3 weeks - she broke it by texting me on my bday wishing me an happy bday, saying that she "wanted to know about me" and asking me permission to call later that day - which she did, and we talked calmly (I was a bit dry, and I was the one ending the conversation).

 

3.

Last meeting was 4 days ago, after a random encounter in the subway the day before, and I couldnt keep my mouth shut and invited her for a coffee last weekend (STUPID MEEEEE!)

 

We grabbed dinner the day after the meeting in the subway, and I started talking about the relationship (I know I shouldnt have!!!! I cant change the past now, but at least I got some relevant information/closure during this dinner...).

 

A lot was said during and after dinner, but the main conclusions or closure I got were:

 

- When I told her I had come back to her country EXCLUSIVELY for her, she admitted to be confused and messed up while crying histerically (also said she is thinking of going to therapy); btw, I am doing therapy ever since I came back.

- She admited that she has communication problems.

- During the period of 3 weeks with NC she admitted to having hooked up with the same guy again (no sex, just making out according to her). She denied to be pursuing a relationship with him, although he seems to be. She said she wants to be alone and not start a relationship right now.

- The most interesting thing (imo) she said while crying histerically was: "she felt guilty for ending the relationship", and that she doesnt know what to do with her life, nor what she wants right now... (I actually felt sorry for her on this one...).

 

I told her that she shouldnt feel guilty, these things happen, that´s life, she is young, never had another man, she is curious, its only normal, she has to forgive herself and forgive others, etc etc.. I was the perfect mature gentleman.

 

 

So....

 

Apparently she is REALLY confused and REALLY messed up. But that doesnt hold her from hooking up with the other guy and spending a lot of time with her colleagues from work on weekends and evenings (where I can only imagine that the other dude is also present). She didnt use to go out so much..she used to be a very "home" girl.

 

I am now NIC, despite telling her when dropping her at her doorstep after dinner that it would be cool to have a "last coffee" without any serious talk, just to have fun and enjoy the company of each other in a few weeks (saying that either one of us could schedule it when we felt like doing it). She replied eagerly: "Yes, Id love that!" I wont schedule this coffee. And if she does contact me for that, I will probably politely say its still too early and postpone it, depending on how long it has passed and how far I am in my healing.

 

So my NIC includes no facebook information whatsoever (my FB has not been updated for more than 1 month now), no texts, no common friends - I have an information firewall in my life nowadays.

 

So, does this look like GIGS or rebound relationship?

According to her mental state and lack of mental balance during our last meeting, it looks like GIGS, but taking into account the context of the BU (long distance relationship for last 20 months and her "young mental age" and inoccence), maybe it could become a "full" rebound relationship?

 

I am not using this info for hope or reconcile, cos I dont want that right now. I want her to grow and I want to get on with my life and also grow. And the future? We will see...now I want to meet other women, work on myself and have fun. When she grows up, we will see how it goes...

 

But in order for mw to see in the future if she has grown or not... I will need to get info from her life in the future. Since I am NIC...

 

Will she try to reach me?

I believe she will, since after the 3 first NC weeks, she texted me to know "about me", I can imagine that within 2 or 3 months I will get some kind of contact. What do you think?

 

Finally, not a question, but just a need for reaffirmation - NC is the ONLY way to go for me right? And since I left the door open to future contacts (on both ends), I should just wait for her to contact me, right?

 

I am doing NIC mainly for my healing and getting over her, and who knows what is going to happen in some months/years. I would like very much to have an eventual new relation with her, if all the circumstances are aligned (she growing up, both being single, falling in love with our new selves, etc etc...)...

 

I left the door open for her to call me, because I dont like to push people away from me in an aggressive way, and I know that I am mature enough to deal with any contact she might make, without regressing in my healing process.

 

Since we broke on good terms, and I left the door open for mutual contact (which I wont initiate), my sister (who knows my exgf well and has a very good insight on these kind of situations) told me that it might take her some months maybe even more than 1 year, but she will try to approach me, and maybe even reconcile.

 

My sister justifies this with the following reasons:

- she will miss me due to NC or LC (never initiated by me, at least for a few months now...until I heal),

- she will eventually grow out of the GIGS phase and get some perspective on everything (either by seeing that the grass aint that green, or comparing the rebound, or realising that it is just a meaningless rebound or whatever).

- we had a 6 year relationship which she admitted that she will never forget (along with the fact that I was her 1st and only for 6 years)

- deep inside, she might be going through a phase or simply growing, but her core self will still be "prude" and slightly conservative (in our last meeting she still criticized one of her roommates for sleeping around despite still loving her exbf).

 

Anyone agrees with my sister´s perception? Do you think my ex will try to come back into my life?

 

 

 

 

Well, as I said, I am moving on, slowly, and I will most definitely be in a different state of mind in 2 or 3 months (according to my counselor and all my childhood friends). I will move on as I did after my previous relationship 7 years ago...it took me 5 months to heal and forget my ex-ex, and then 7 more months just living the single life until finding the "next one"...the one that just dumped me...

 

Life is really cyclical!

 

Well, thanks 4 reading and for any input!!!

 

Cheers!

[Ms Darcy]

I don't like the Gigs label because it diminishes the real concerns that a dumper may have.

 

The way I see it, there were a combination of factors here. Long distance relationships are incredibly difficult and can make you feel like you are not in a relationship/drive feelings of love away. To that point, you all had been in a relationship for a long long time that didn't seem to have a future - which is very important.

 

And I think that she's struggling with losing romantic feelings for you with wanting to be in a relationship with a guy who obviously loves her. It's tough because I'm sure much of what motivated her to leave was eagerness to explore new relationships/dating so in short ... she's confused.

[Eocsor]

One of the biggest myths out there is that they will always try and contact you. Really, who knows, an awful lot never do reach out again. It doesn't sound like GIGS or a rebound, just her wanting to be single and seewhat life is like with other people. And don'y buy the "she's a prude and won't sleep around" bit. I for one wouldn't believe her about "Just making out with the guy" You never get a really truthful answer from an EX regarding sex.

 

Sounds like all she’s doing is trying to ease her conscience as she heads out the door. Move on with your life and she will soon be a distant memory.

[6yeardumped]

To that point, you all had been in a relationship for a long long time that didn't seem to have a future - which is very important.

 

I agree, but during our long distance we kept meeting once every month, every 2 months. For example, in 2011, we were together in new years eve (4 days), than in February 4 days, in March I visited her for her bday and stayed with her 3 days...end of April she broke up...

 

And I think that she's struggling with losing romantic feelings for you with wanting to be in a relationship with a guy who obviously loves her.

 

You think that the guy loves her? Why? I think that she is just hooking up with him due to "emotional needs", and he is just there to have fun... I doubt that he loves her...he might be falling in love with her, but "love"?

 

It's tough because I'm sure much of what motivated her to leave was eagerness to explore new relationships/dating so in short ... she's confused.

 

Yeah, I agree that is the case. She wanted to explore...At the age of 29 and only having had sex with one man...I mean, this can be a BIG factor in her decision... I also agree that she is confused.

 

So, for all that... am I doing ok by NIC? Or should I try LC?

 

Thanks!

[6yeardumped]

Sounds like all she’s doing is trying to ease her conscience as she heads out the door. Move on with your life and she will soon be a distant memory.

 

I am moving on with my life. I have been meeting people over the last few weeks and enjoying life. Working in myself, etc etc.

 

So, in your opinion, there is no hope whatsoever for a reconciliation not even on a long term?

[Doofus]

I'm a newbie to eNA. What is NIC? Is it no initiated contact?

As for your situation, 6yr, I'd agree with Ms. Darcy. Perhaps because of my personal situation, I am not as big a fan of NC as others on here seem to be. It is not the best thing to do in all cases. But in your case, I'd say it is. I'd say she's looking for some excitement probably. If you go NC, she will definitely hook up with this guy, or other(s) while you are NC. If don't go NC, you may be able to nip this affair in the bud, but you run the risk of being placed in the friend zone and make it more likely that this now thing will be serious. If go NC you will need to spend that time deciding if you want her back if she's gone a sort of spree. And I'd say that even if you got back together tomorrow and she agreed not to see the guy, that you're going to have problems later on. Once a person starts to feel like they need to get some experience, they either 1. will or 2. won't but will resent the person keeping them from doing so. So, having said all that, my advice (like everyone else and in spite of myself) is NC. Don't tell her that that's what you're doing though. Take that time off to decide what you want and the price you're willing to pay to get it.

[6yeardumped]

I'm a newbie to eNA. What is NIC? Is it no initiated contact?

 

YES, NIC - not initiating contact.

 

If you go NC, she will definitely hook up with this guy, or other(s) while you are NC. If don't go NC, you may be able to nip this affair in the bud, but you run the risk of being placed in the friend zone and make it more likely that this now thing will be serious. If go NC you will need to spend that time deciding if you want her back if she's gone a sort of spree.

 

I dont care about that. I think she actually needs to live those experiences. There is nothing I can or should do to avoid it. She needs to grow up by herself now. And if we have the opportunity in the future to get back together, I will obviously understand that! I have had my share of experiences before her, so I do understand her position!

 

And I'd say that even if you got back together tomorrow and she agreed not to see the guy, that you're going to have problems later on. Once a person starts to feel like they need to get some experience, they either 1. will or 2. won't but will resent the person keeping them from doing so.

 

Once again, I fully agree! I would never "take her back" now. I told her during our last dinner that she now needed to have her experiences, and that I understood that, and fully respected her. I am not looking for an immediate and short-term reconciliation. I will go on with my life. I might find someone better, I might not... Im just trying to understand if she might EVER try and reach me...

 

So, having said all that, my advice (like everyone else and in spite of myself) is NC. Don't tell her that that's what you're doing though.

 

Yes, that's what I have done so far. NC and she is not aware of me doing it (only 4 days since our dinner). I can do NC easily because I am trying to keep myself REALLY busy (new city, new job, new friends, etc.).

 

Take that time off to decide what you want and the price you're willing to pay to get it.

 

That´s what I am doing. However I do not understand "the price you're willing to pay to get it"... What do you mean? If Im able to put up with her being with other men while I am "on the side"? If thats the case:

 

1. Yes, I can understand her position. I believe that she needs to do it. I am happy that she now has this opportunity to grow and evolve.

 

2. I am not on the side... I am not hoping to get her back in the next few days/weeks or even months... I'll let her go on her journey. And I will keep going on with my life. Moving on, but... I have long term hopes to meet her once in the future...

[Doofus]

Thanks for the definition. And 'yes' I meant whether you would be OK with her gaining experience.

As for prognostications, I would say that you do have a chance. You have the right attitude. She does seem genuinely confused. And I'd say that NC was made for situations like yours. She will likely find out that the excitement of sex with new people is no substitute for what she had with you. No guarantees of course, but I do like your chances.

[6yeardumped]

Thanks for the definition. And 'yes' I meant whether you would be OK with her gaining experience.

As for prognostications, I would say that you do have a chance. You have the right attitude. She does seem genuinely confused.

 

Lol! Youre welcome!

 

Yeah, I mean she was young when we started, coming from a very repressing family house. I took her out of there to come and live with me in another country. She kept being repressed because she wanted to. I tried to make her go out without me, hanging with her friends from the office, and she never or rarely would... Only 1 year after I left the country she started to go out...slowwwwly.... and even then, never passed the marks... And then, when I was in a crossroad moment in order to try to come back to her country (I had been trying from the beggining), she snapped out of frustration... She took a few more weeks of it, and then she broke up...ironically, 3 weeks after the BU I actually manage to come back...

 

And she told me during our dinner that she was SO ANGRY with both of us for not being able to communicate better:

 

1. with herself for not believing me every time I told her and showed her emails from my current bosses in her home country that "things were under way" (my new position in her country).

 

2. with me, for not being more explicit when saying EVERYTHING I had been doing to get this job and actually come back...

 

And I'd say that NC was made for situations like yours. She will likely find out that the excitement of sex with new people is no substitute for what she had with you. No guarantees of course, but I do like your chances.

 

Thanks man...Id like to see something happen in the long run...for now, I am focusing on myself and my new life... NC will be kept in place. She has an open door to reach me. We´re still friends on FB, she still has all our pics, all my comments, etc etc... None of us are lashing out in anger... Despite all the mess, this situation is being handled quite well from both sides.

 

If she contacts me in the next weeks, my reaction will depend on my healing phase. Hopefully, she will only contact once I am a bit more stable than I am nowadays...

 

Let´s see how this goes...

[Eocsor]

I am moving on with my life. I have been meeting people over the last few weeks and enjoying life. Working in myself, etc etc.

 

So, in your opinion, there is no hope whatsoever for a reconciliation not even on a long term?

 

No one can tell you if there is hope in the future or not. She may not even know. The best thing you can do is live your life with the idea she won't ever come back. Focus on the now. Chances are good that if she ever did knock at your door again, you'd have moved on and wouldn't want her. It's a big world with a lot of people in it, many that are better suited to you than her.

[6yeardumped]

No one can tell you if there is hope in the future or not. She may not even know. The best thing you can do is live your life with the idea she won't ever come back. Focus on the now. Chances are good that if she ever did knock at your door again, you'd have moved on and wouldn't want her. It's a big world with a lot of people in it, many that are better suited to you than her.

 

I completelty agree... As far as I can understand from her reactions last Saturday, when I talked about the HUGE risk we are now facing of never be in each others life ever again, she started to cry compulsively...So, yeah, she is really confused and also frustrated by this all... And she has not idea what she wants right now, even less what she will want in the long run...

 

I am living my life. Tonight I am gonna go for a beer with a friend. Tomorrow I am going to invite a very cute summer intern from my office for lunch... Slowly moving on...

 

And yes, I am getting more and more used to that idea that she might never come back. 2 days ago I was not even considering that option.

 

2 days ago I thought: "She will regret it soon and she will come back".

 

Yesterday I thought: "Ok, she is experiencing with this new guy, and as soon as she gets fed up with him or one of the typical rebound relationship problems comes up she will bounce back to me... unless the rebound really works, and in that case she might not come back"...

 

Today I can already see the option "She just needs to experience a lot of stuff, and while she's doing it, she will turn into a completely different person, that might never want to look back, and even if she does it, she might never have the courage to contact me after bailing out of our relationship as she just did..."

 

So, my thoughts and my analysis is evolving, which is a good thing I guess... One step forward towards healing?

[Ms Darcy]

You think that the guy loves her? Why? I think that she is just hooking up with him due to "emotional needs", and he is just there to have fun... I doubt that he loves her...he might be falling in love with her, but "love"?[/b]

 

Thanks!

 

No, I was saying that you are the guy who loves her. She's torn between security of you and excitement of new.

[6yeardumped]

No, I was saying that you are the guy who loves her. She's torn between security of you and excitement of new.

 

Ah ok, now I got it Thanks!

 

So, in the end, the conclusion is: she is confused!!! What can I do about it? NC! (not for her, I really dont care about her state of mind right now). My NC is now simply to get my life back...I dont want to use NC anymore to make her miss me or come back...eheheheh what a great feeling!!!

 

I had an interesting moment tonight: was having dinner with a friend, and for two times, he was saying something about something, I remembered something about my dinner last saturday with my ex that I related to his conversation and wanted to mention to him, but to avoid cutting him off, I waited...Once he finished his reasoning and I wanted to talk, I COULDNT REMEMBER WHAT I WANTED TO SAY!!! The first time I didnt pay attention to this fact...the second time I actually started smiling with a huge relief face, and commented this situation to him...and he just said: "your brain is TIRED of her...this just means that you are finally letting go..."

 

I ended the night with such a happy feeling...

 

 

 

Tomorrow I will invite a new colleague in the office for lunch! (very cute, blue eyes, and no celullitis - unlike my ex)