Arghhh need to vent ex thinks nothing of me already

[hausser]

Saw ex out on weekend, after 30+ days NC.

 

Didn't approach her, she approached me and proudly stated "I'm with A*** now." I didn't react and it didn't bother me, had worked it out and accepted it subconsciously anyway.

 

Awoke Sunday to find a missed call and a text "checking I didn't abuse you when I was drunk last night".

 

Here is the kicker all, I STUPIDLY REPLIED AND RANG BACK.

 

Mistake number 1.

 

NC works for healing, don't undermine it even if they get in touch is my advice.

 

Spent an easy going hour on the phone catching up.

 

Mistake number 2.

Then received a text late at night along the lines of this "You were right about me drinking, A*** doesn't want to know as I played hell with him last night when I was drunk, made me think of you and what I put you through."

 

Replied along the lines of it being water under the bridge.

 

Mistake number 3.

 

Received a short, "thanks" reply yesterday morning, then nothing other than a weird one ring missed call which thankfully, I didn't respond to.

 

After a sleep and a good think, the conclusion I've reached...

 

She has been dating this guy pretty much since the second week we broke up (would explain sooooo much). Obviously besotted enough by him to feel no qualms about telling me she now considered him her priority. Then, when he was giving her the cold shoulder Sunday morning, is so besotted by him, felt pity for me but at the same time didn't see the problem in giving me the lowdown on the state of her new relationship "A*** doesn't want to know." As if I'm on first names terms with the guy!!!

 

Now he is apparently being responsive again, I hear nothing.

 

Anyway that's all academic, the cold harsh reality has kicked in today that she is not interested in recon. She is big into this guy as you can tell, big enough to tell me outright, big enough to walk out on me and stay walked out on me.

 

This guy is an old ex of hers. He has two kids and has been in prison. I honestly to think she will become pregnant by him in the near few months.

 

Best of luck to them both. I am going strict NC from now on. Like Dramallama told me, my self esteem is worth more than accepting her back just cos this guy is giving her cold shoulder. A big part of this are my social cicumstances.

 

Just needed to vent guys and clear this out from my head! ](*,)

[hello678]

Remember man, everytime you go through each stage will be the last time you'll have to deal with that.

 

She is immature and completely inconsiderate of your emotions, but the best thing you can do is nothing at all. Remember, every bit of attention you give her will make it WORSE for you.

 

She probably won't continue to contact you, your just her shoulder to winge about her new partner too (and he sounds like a loser, but than again, so does my ex's new bf, and it doesnt help).

 

Continue with strict NC and keep focusing on yourself. She's a rude little * * * * * for even mentioning him to you.

[hausser]

Thanks mtom, yeah man can't believe she had the audacity to do that. More I think about it, the more it's sinking in how into the guy she is. Only reason she rang me Sunday was to do a damage limitation check on what she had uttered out probably, makes me wonder what SHE THOUGHT she may have told me.

 

EDIT- I'm thinking of sending her a message telling her how rude that was tbh. It was out of order,as if I want to hear about her new relationship.

 

What you think? I'm not expecting a reply. In fact I'll probably change my number shortly after. I don't want to be in a good place in a monthd time and have the same thing happen you see.

[hello678]

She was fairly drunk when she told you was she not?

 

The problem is, they don't really care about you. I don't think she actively wants to do wrong by you though, like she probably wishes you well deep inside or whatever but as far as care goes she's got the new guy to give her the social attention and love she needs.

 

But you know all the answers of what you need to do, it just sucks that everytime they do something like this is hits the hornets nest inside our head with a stick.

[hausser]

LOL good way of putting it. Yeah she was drunk one time, but she told me again in the night "A*** doesnt want to know."

 

True about both wanting to hurt me, she always was quite lacking in tact.

[hausser]

Recived another text around 2 hours ago, after I had a status where I was chatting to another hairdresser about wanting my hair cut (ex is a hairdresser).

 

"You should come up to me and have your hair cut now we're friends."

 

I replied an hour later "Yeah I want a friends discount though : P" .

 

No reply as yet, I feel like screaming! Why text me if she's just gunna ingore my response.!!!!!

[SlowBlues]

she has a bf. stop replying. don't keep putting yourself through this crap.

[hausser]

Too friggin true man, too true.

 

Have changed my mobile number, deleted any mutual friends on FB. This time it's real.

 

Thanks man.

[hello678]

Are you * * * * ing mad? She is directly saying 'now that we're friends'

 

No. Being friends is NEVER an option for the dumper.

 

Screw her

[pietro5266]

@mtom12: I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a minute. Why do you take such a hard line on "the dumper"? Not every breakup is horrible or nasty. The pain of a breakup is unavoidable, but the intent of the dumper does not usually include trying to hurt the dumpee. It's often just an unfortunate part of relationships.

 

@hausser: I'm not including your situation in this -- your ex is playing nasty games, possibly because she doesn't know what she wants, or she wants to keep you around for extra support -- or even as a backup. I think that you made the right choice by going full NC with her.

[dramallama]

pietro - Some dumpers are nice and they DO leave you alone so that you can heal (whether it's because they know it's the right thing to do, or whether it's because THEY simply don't want anything to do with you is another story). But the dumpers that lead people to this forum are the kind that keep one hand on the dumpee because it suits THEM, and they give no regard as to how the dumpee might be feeling or what is best for them.

 

However, in hausser's case, he is just as much to blame for keeping in touch and responding to contact, as the dumper is for doing so. Only YOU can decide whether to keep in touch or not. Yes, the dumper shouldn't be contacting you in the first place, ideally, because that's just not right if they supposedly care about you - they will leave you alone. However, if YOU are the one that responds, then you don't have sympathy from me because it's only you that is hurting yourself. You can't blame anyone but yourself if you choose to stay in touch and then analyse. You simply cannot "play it cool" after a break up. You will only end up being played. I've seen it time and time again.

[hello678]

@mtom12: I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a minute. Why do you take such a hard line on "the dumper"? Not every breakup is horrible or nasty. The pain of a breakup is unavoidable, but the intent of the dumper does not usually include trying to hurt the dumpee. It's often just an unfortunate part of relationships.

Because they have chosen not to be with you. That doesn't necessarily makes them a bad person, but it means they need to respect you and get out of your life. They can't have it both ways so ANY contact at all should be initiated by the dumpee.

 

Also Hassaurs ex is not exactly classy. I have respect for people who need a breakup to focus on themselves and some important events in their life. But his ex just jumped into another relationship a week or so later and is now telling him about it!

 

So once again, she has shown actions that means she deserves no respect. I wouldn't even reply to her.

[hello678]

 

However, in hausser's case, he is just as much to blame for keeping in touch and responding to contact, as the dumper is for doing so. Only YOU can decide whether to keep in touch or not. Yes, the dumper shouldn't be contacting you in the first place, ideally, because that's just not right if they supposedly care about you - they will leave you alone. However, if YOU are the one that responds, then you don't have sympathy from me because it's only you that is hurting yourself. You can't blame anyone but yourself if you choose to stay in touch and then analyse. You simply cannot "play it cool" after a break up. You will only end up being played. I've seen it time and time again.

 

See to him, he thought talking to her for an hour meant that she might be still interested. But to her, it meant that he's now over it and they can be friends and chat about her new boyfriend.

 

Which is unfair, completely unfair. I'm not sure If i could control the rage if an ex called me up to talk about their new boyfriend.

 

The problem for him is none of this aids in his recovery, the anger, the hate, the fact he has to ignore her etc.

 

He was on day 30 of no contact and doing well.

 

It sounds like she'll continue to message him. I would honestly write back telling her he's not interested in being friends, and please respect his right to space.

[dramallama]

See to him, he thought talking to her for an hour meant that she might be still interested. But to her, it meant that he's now over it and they can be friends and chat about her new boyfriend.

 

Which is unfair, completely unfair. I'm not sure If i could control the rage if an ex called me up to talk about their new boyfriend.

 

The problem for him is none of this aids in his recovery, the anger, the hate, the fact he has to ignore her etc.

 

He was on day 30 of no contact and doing well.

 

It sounds like she'll continue to message him. I would honestly write back telling her he's not interested in being friends, and please respect his right to space.

But that's too simple, mtom. And you know dumpees, THEIR situation is completely different and simple solutions do not work for them because they are the exception and their situation is REALLY REALLY COMPLICATED.

 

If my ex still had their new partner, I would stop the conversation as soon as it started by saying, "look, you are with your new partner now, so I'd appreciate that you do not disrespect either them or me any longer by leaving me alone. We are not friends and I have no interest in being in contact with you if you are not pursuing me to reconcile." Screw that playing it cool crap. Yes, it is unfair, however, your ex has done you a favour because they've shown you their true colours. Their behaviour might be unfair, but it doesn't mean that you have to take it - by either telling them how rude it is of them to call (not staying on the phone with them for an hour), either that or letting the call go to voicemail.

[hausser]

Cheers guys, you know weirdly in everything else in life I am kind of aggressive/driven, but when she told me she had a new guy I was completley cool about it. It was the text Sunday night that started making me think "recon" but getting messed around today has sealed the deal, changed mobile number, facebook locked down and I sent her a text basically telling her what I thought.

 

The reason I haven't flipped my lid over this is firstly that I am in a * * * * e situation since my ex left me, and therefore still kind of glad of the attention, and secondly because I expended a LOT of the rage when I spent like a month to myself, on my own in my apartment with nothing but four walls and a lot of memories for company.

 

The mistake I was making last few days is assuming because she's in touch = recon, when in reality as you both have stated, she was staying in touch because she wants to be "friends" and sees me as such. And I am nowhere near ready for that.

 

You live and learn, and I have certainly learnt a lot during this breakup lol.

 

 

Also, I'd just like to add, another reason I didn't stop her dead was that pre-BU I behaved like an immature so and so at times, and this backfired. Well, see I thought it did, as in I thought I had pushed her away due to being clingy, when in actual fact she was probably almost certainly dating this guy as she becoming more distant. Anyway, I'm quite a proud person (believe it or not) usually and didn't want her having the satisfaction of seeing me angry, again, due to her over this breakup.

[hausser]

You simply cannot "play it cool" after a break up. You will only end up being played. I've seen it time and time again.

 

This, boy I wish I'd known this lol.

[pietro5266]

pietro - But the dumpers that lead people to this forum are the kind that keep one hand on the dumpee because it suits THEM, and they give no regard as to how the dumpee might be feeling or what is best for them.

 

This is a very interesting statement, and rings very true in my case.

 

 

Also Hassaurs ex is not exactly classy. I have respect for people who need a breakup to focus on themselves and some important events in their life. But his ex just jumped into another relationship a week or so later and is now telling him about it!

 

So once again, she has shown actions that means she deserves no respect. I wouldn't even reply to her.

 

I agree with this completely. What Hausser's ex did is borderline cruel. My ex simply "replaced" me, so I empathize entirely. The only thing that I have trouble with is the black-and-white approach to NC, that NC is always necessary. I think that there could be situations where there could be more flexibility than that. But Hausser's is certainly not one of them.

[hello678]

Once they have a new partner there is simply no need to keep you around anymore. There is no need to mention you in their lives.

[hausser]

I wanted to think she was the exception too pietro, until I started waiting 3 hrs for reply back to a simple text, which SHE had intiated.

 

I never thought of her behaviour as cruel at the time as I don't think she did it with malice. Like mtom said she had no class, never did, she was so besotted with the guy that she failed to register any feelings for me. Says it all really.