Have your ex's not wanted to be "friends" afterward, either?

[BriarRose]

Maybe it's just me, seems like most everyone's ex's attempt to at least be friends for awhile (or until they meet someone else), but usually mine don't. I know it is for the best, but sometimes I wonder why they usually have had no desire to keep in touch afterward. Even when I have gone NC - instead of getting them back, I just usually never hear from them again.

 

I'm okay with it - but sometimes when I think about it, it hurts a little. Did most of your ex's want to be friends, or did they just waltz out of your life and were gone?

[boyblue]

After claiming she did not want to be strangers after the BU we both went NC, I tried a few times to talk etc but was blanked and have not heard a peep for 6 months and don't ever expect too again! Sometimes I think it is easier and less complicated that way - it helps you move on, it would hurt if you kept talking and getting nowhere, or hearing about them dating some fantastic new guy.

 

BB

[Batya33]

My husband basically wanted me out of his life after we broke up (it was triggered by me but mutual at the end -this was when we dated, we weren't married at the time!). We kept in touch sporadically and casually - a few mostly impersonal emails a year. He didn't express any interest in seeing me in person until 5 or 6 years after the break up. We got back together nearly 8 years after we broke up.

[curious987]

My ex and I are friends. Very recent breakup. 10 and a half weeks ago he broke up with me.

I honestly think that 'why' you guys broke up will determine whether a friendship is best to avoid or continue.

Mostly my ex felt unappreciated and felt like he was missing out on what we should have had in the relationship. I wasn't very affectionate. He became frustrated and I guess a little resentful.

 

I want him back, we're both hooking up with other people (aren't 'dating' anyone, or taking it further than the nightclubs).

Last 2 weeks we've been talking daily. He's said things like 'I get along with you so well', and 'I care about you and your opinion more than anyone else/else's'. So it's a weird situation.

 

I don't think our situation is the norm : P

[superfox]

i'm not friends with any of my exes and neither is my bf with his, it's just the way it is! I've gone NC and had them want to come back but i'd moved on by then.

[lavenderdove]

A lot depends on the circumstances.

 

I've had exes want to stay friends when they were attached to me as a person but didn't want a serious relationship, or if i was the dumper and they wanted to keep contact to see if i'd come back.

 

But with painful breakups or ones that were emotional for whatever reason on either person's part, we didn't usually stay in contact. It's not an insult, but if you've made the decision you won't be partners, it is often awkward trying to force a friendship afterwards, and many times painful if one or the other person still wants you, so they make a clean break.

[BriarRose]

Yes, I guess at times I did see it as an insult (keeping in mind I was the dumpee in these situations). I can understand if I had hurt someone, why they would not wish to be friends, but when it's the other way around, I just feel like - eh, why was I not missed at all?

 

My experiences have been that of Superfox's. I've just never been friends afterward. Sometimes an ex will look me up months (or even years) later, but it's just been when they were rebounding from someone they had recently broken up with. It's not that they had genuinely missed me.

[Hollister]

I had one of my ex's who broke up with me- broke my heart- dumped me over the phone, then never wanted anything to do with me after, even ignored me when he saw me 2 months after it ended! It really hurt, bc he dumped me simply bc he wasnt "feeling it". It has been over a year (im dealing with a new heartbreak from my most recent ex now, eek), but as for my ex from over a year, I am in a place where it'd be cool if we kept in touch every so often. But hey who knows- maybe it was his style to never be-friend an ex. The ex being friends things is always a debate, and I think depends sooo much on the circumstances...maybe it is better in the end we arent in contact!

[jinxers]

i just went through this exact situation and there are two major points id like to make and i think they are extremely important PLEASE LISTEN UP

1) you take it as an insult if the dumper doesnt want to remain friends with you and i understand.....however you have to convince yourself WHO CARES WHAT MY EX THINKS OF ME cause theyre just another person now theyre not in your life

2) if you truly wanna be friends with the person who dumps you next then the second they dump you you must not act emotional or clingy in anyway which is practically impossible cause there are always emotions involved if you get dumped by someone you loved, and this clinginess or sadness you portay makes them feel guilty and they wanna distance themselves from you, clinginess or sadness will drive them away,

 

bottom line, who cares what your ex thinks of you, if she doesnt want your friendship * * * * em who gives a * * * * , and if you truly desire to have a friendship with them (which i advise against because you cant heal properly) than dont act clingy or sad whatsoever when they dump you and act like everything is ok (which is usually not the case)

[TOOPRETTY4THIS]

Nope this recent BU dosent want to be friends he changed his number out the blue that totally was the signal of not wanting to stay in touch but needless to say all others we are all cool!!

[BriarRose]

My ex-ex I was totally clingy and emotional afterward, took it very badly - never heard from him again. The last one I did not even reply, never called him, not once. Still, never heard from him again. I don't really think it matters how you act - their mind is made up the moment they break up with you as to whether they will want to remain in touch, I think.

 

I do think it is painful when you never hear from them, though - like you may feel like you were easy to walk away from - at least that is how I have felt in those cases.

[Mellie]

Don't take it personally BriarRose. It's not you, it's them - really! I don't believe in staying friends with exes. How can you be friends with an ex? I mean, I've bumped into exes from waaaaay back on FB and exchanged a few pleasantries, that was fine. I was genuinely pleased to see my first boyfriend get married because there were just no real feelings anymore. But when it's all fresh and raw? No, that isn't friends. It's something else and something I can do without - it's too painful. I bumped into a guy who dumped me in the supermarket last month. He "wanted to stay friends" but this was nonsense - it was no more than contacting me months later, maybe putting the feelers out. I don't know. Anyway, even though 4 years have passed, when I saw him, my stomach went cold. None of the floating butterflies "I love you so much" crap. More remembering all the anguish the break up caused. I actually ditched my basket and walked out because I really didn't want to have any kind of interraction.

 

So as for dumpers wanting to keep in touch, some do, some don't. I never do because I don't think it will benefit either party in the short, medium or possibly even longterm. If you had that great a friendship it's possible you'll reconnect later down the line, spontaneously. So to answer your question, some do, some don't. It's no reflection on you, you've just had a run of those who don't. And even if they "do", I honestly don't think this consists of very much more than what you've experienced from those that "don't", random exchanges of pleasantries months later. You're not missing anything.

[BriarRose]

Thank you, Mellie I know that you are right and I know my situation is not unique. It just bothers me because it's a pattern, but like you said - how can you truly be friends with an ex? The thing is I know it's for the best! I just want to feel like I had meant something to them, you know? But like the saying goes, the only thing constant is change, and feelings change.

 

When I do hear from them months down the road, it's just because they think I will hook up with them. They never tried to get back together, not really.

[Dlar]

Just blanked me, didn't even tell me what was going on.

 

Then had the cheek to text me a week later, asking if I'm ok. When I asked for more clarification just said she had things on her mind.

 

I then find out she's with someone else... GREAT!

[BriarRose]

Just blanked me, didn't even tell me what was going on.

 

Then had the cheek to text me a week later, asking if I'm ok. When I asked for more clarification just said she had things on her mind.

 

I then find out she's with someone else... GREAT!

 

For what it's worth, at least she was thinking of you or she wouldn't have texted. I think that's better than just being totally written off without a thought.

[Dlar]

Hmmm yeah I suppose, but I just feel she was leading me on, keeping me at arms length as "backup"?

[BriarRose]

Hmmm yeah I suppose, but I just feel she was leading me on, keeping me at arms length as "backup"?

 

Probably; but still - if she had zero interest, she wouldn't even do that.

[Dlar]

Yeah I guess you're right.

[BriarRose]

I guess it's just that these boards are full of stories of contact from ex's, and my friends always get that, too - but mine just moved right along.....

[Dlar]

Same here, minus the little contact I had (The guy she's seeing was on holiday at this point).

 

Not heard anything since and don't expect to now he's back and they're together and happy - This is what's really killing me... Knowing I'm all miserable and she's all happy with someone else and probably doesn't even think about me now.

[BriarRose]

Same here, minus the little contact I had (The guy she's seeing was on holiday at this point).

 

Not heard anything since and don't expect to now he's back and they're together and happy - This is what's really killing me... Knowing I'm all miserable and she's all happy with someone else and probably doesn't even think about me now.

 

I am sure she hasn't forgotten you - if she felt nothing, she would not have even made contact. Don't get me wrong - I think you should try to move forward, but it doesn't sound like you never crossed her mind.

[jinxers]

Same here, minus the little contact I had (The guy she's seeing was on holiday at this point).

 

Not heard anything since and don't expect to now he's back and they're together and happy - This is what's really killing me... Knowing I'm all miserable and she's all happy with someone else and probably doesn't even think about me now.

 

"im wondering if she's thinking of me at all" - bob dylan - girl from north country

[resilient7]

I got that to Briar,I was incredible to her (her words) and I didn't lie cheat,treat her bad and when she dumped me she vanished...I found out a year later why that was and she had been seeing some guy a week after she dumped me so she didn't want me in the picture.But yeah it hurt knowing I was so easily forgotten

and I didn't really matter to her.sometimes my mind plays this one trick on me and tells me that perhaps she is just afraid to contact me and I should be the one to initiate things,haha....I'm not falling for it BRAIN!

[Dlar]

I got that to Briar,I was incredible to her (her words) and I didn't lie cheat,treat her bad and when she dumped me she vanished...I found out a year later why that was and she had been seeing some guy a week after she dumped me so she didn't want me in the picture.But yeah it hurt knowing I was so easily forgotten

and I didn't really matter to her.sometimes my mind plays this one trick on me and tells me that perhaps she is just afraid to contact me and I should be the one to initiate things,haha....I'm not falling for it BRAIN!

Exactly the same here.

 

I often got "I don't deserve you" and "You're too good for me". And even before we was together "Which ever girl gets you, will be the luckiest person in the world and it will kill me"

 

Now, I have no idea what I did wrong, or why she decided to move on. Especially for someone who is not half as good as me (Her mates own words, who had a massive crush on the guy in question).

But to just blank me out of her life makes it even more odd - Maybe she DOES have feelings for me and this is the only way for her to also move on, by cutting me out of her life completley?

Maybe she does feel I'm too good for her like she always said, and thinks its best for her to move on before she gets hurt?

 

No idea, and I'll never know.

 

I also keep thinking that maybe she's wanting me to reach out to her, ask for her back... But I know that's not true it's just something in my mind clutching at straws!

[BriarRose]

Yeah, I got the "you deserve so much more" speech, too. Sheesh, do they ever end it WITHOUT having someone else lined up? I think not.