waytoodown Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I have found myself in a situation I never thought I would again. Long story short, I discovered that my bf has, on two occasions, messaged a girl he's known for years (and described as "the one who got away") asking her to hang out (in a romantic setting). The 2nd time she responded that she couldn't, while the first time she didn't respond but my bf says they didn't get together. We have been together for almost 2 years, and these messages are all after being together 1 year or more. We are in a LDR, and I was supposed to move in with him in 2 weeks, but now I having serious doubts about our relationship and strongly debating not only not moving in but possibly breaking up with him. This has been driving me crazy since I found out about these messages 1 week ago. My bf explains his actions by saying that he was trying to "test himself", because he was unsure if he's a relationship type of guy (first LTR) or if he would be happier returning to the single lifestyle; so his solution to this would have been to put himself in a situation where he could have casual sex, and if he succeded at not giving in, then he would have figured that the relationship meant more to him than that. He appears to truly believe this, and when I commented that in relationships when somethings' not going right you should communicate, he stated that he would not change his actions, as he thinks he would have gained more of an answer from his approach then from talking and that communicating would only have led me to freak out. Also, he does have trust issues due to which he doesn't trust me even though I've never done anything for him not to trust me. To make this worst, he has now lost my trust, and I don't know I'm capable of giving it back to him (my ex bf from previous LTR had cheated on me and I was never able to get over it). Guys, do you agree with what my bf is telling me, or is it just a way of him trying to get his cake and eat it too? ...I know everyone has "the one who got away", but has anyone done something similar to what my bf did? What do you guys figure, if I stay with him, am I just waiting for him to try to cheat on me again, or will he have learned from this situation? I'm completely devestated and confused by this situation and scared that if I break up with him over this I might regret it later on... Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I have been in a situation like that when I have had past girlfriends were "the one that got away" actually messaged me asking to meet. I never replied. Why? Because I had a girlfriend! I'm sorry but his actions are beyond despicable. He is cheating on you, maybe not physically but mentally. Yet he doesn't trust you? Why would you want to put up with something like that? You currently live in the shadow of someone else with him, and trust me, you deserve far far better than that. Link to comment
sidehop Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 If things did go well with this girl you know the relationship between you two will go downhill very quickly. If he's willing to do this behind your back what are the possibilities of him doing this to other girls because he thinks there's someone better. If he is content and truly happy with you he wouldn't look for others. People often fantasize and think of the what if's. In this world there are plenty of what if's. Always but he cannot be happy with who he is and who he's with then he simply needs to be honest with himself and not hurt you any further. Please don't even think about moving in with him let alone continue the relationship with someone who's looking to cheat (no matter how he looks at it). It's not going to end well at all. Link to comment
elcie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 He's trying to sound plausible but I don't like his reasoning. If he's capable of considering being unfaithful to you after a year of being with you, then he is, quite simply, not to be trusted. If I was in your situation, it would be a deal-breaker for me.....I'm sorry Link to comment
iBroken Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 What does your gut tell you to do? Its usually right Link to comment
FathomFear Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I have found myself in a situation I never thought I would again. Long story short, I discovered that my bf has, on two occasions, messaged a girl he's known for years (and described as "the one who got away") asking her to hang out (in a romantic setting). The 2nd time she responded that she couldn't, while the first time she didn't respond but my bf says they didn't get together. I'm curious--how did you find this out? Did he sit you down and admit to it or is this the result of snooping? Link to comment
waytoodown Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 It was neither. He asked me to use his computer to search something for him and when I openned it that's what was on the computer screen. He did not admit to anything willingly, I had to confront him and push the subjects before he was willing to admit that his intentions on both occasions weren't completely innocent. Link to comment
waytoodown Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 My gut tells me to stay with him, but my reasoning tells me I should probably break up, so I don't know which one to listen to. Link to comment
Tresha Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Make him pay for the move if you go. Tell him you don't trust him and need to be able to get out if he's a lying, cheating butt. Well, not only make him pay for the move, but make him put up another 50% in an account in your name for an escape fund if he's a cheater. Don't get yourself trapped with no way to leave him. Link to comment
DN Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Don't make this about money - it would make you look awful and justify him saying he didn't trust you. Link to comment
waytoodown Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks for the idea, but I won't make it about money. I am able to figure things out in order to move out on my own, I won't need his money (plus I refuse to ever rely on a man for my financial needs!! lol ) Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I think the bigger issue here is not contacting the one who got away but the trust issue. if he can't trust you even though you have done nothing to break his trust, then I think I would delay moving in with him. If you still want to be with him, move NEAR him, but not WITH him and start dating him. Have your own job and own place even if its a room for rent, a roommate situation or a small little studio. Also, if he still can't trust, maybe some short term counseling is in order. I couldn't be with someone who couldn't trust me even though I never did anything. Also, as far s the "one who got away" - well, it would be forgiveable if she contacted him, and he returned her phone call to make sure there wasn't 'anything there' so he could put closure on it, but meeting her in a romantic setting is a different story. If he still has feelings for her he hasn't sorted things out yet. Link to comment
waytoodown Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks. In regards to "the one who got away", he was the one who contacted her both times, and there has been no closure even with what happenned, according to him, as he says that they didn't end up meeting. But again, I don't know if this is true or not as I don't trust what he tells me anymore. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 He got caught red handed and now he is trying to minimize what he did. What do you think would have happened if she had responded to him? Probably nothing good. Once the trust is gone, the relationship soon follows. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I think it's in your best interests to move on before you get seriously hurt by this guy. Link to comment
Tresha Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 ~sigh~ It's not about money. It's about not getting trapped in a situation you cannot financially remove yourself from. If I'd have been able to financially get out of my first marriage, it would have saved me 7 years and more trauma than you can imagine. "Don't get yourself trapped with no way to leave him." This was the single most harmful thing I have ever done to myself. It was just advice if you choose to move great distances to be with someone you already have nagging suspicions (or more) about. I was that person. It would have saved me. Link to comment
DN Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Making him pay for the move and to put 50% in another fund isn't making it about money? Of course it is. Independent people don't behave like that. Link to comment
Tresha Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 IMO, it is an insecure move because he is contacting old flames and trying to hook up. If I'd have known what was going on with my XH, I would not have spent 17K for a cross country move, only to have been trapped with no financial means of escape. Perhaps that's about money and not security? I was independent, but since I was the one moving, I had to leave my job. OP would be in a similar situation. Should she spend all her money to move to this guy who's trying to hook up with his X? Why shouldn't he pay for that if he wants it so she can have her savings as an escape fund when he actually sleeps with his old flame? All I'm saying, and I'll say it over and over because I know what its like. Do not let yourself get financially trapped there. Have an escape fund. Is he contributing anything to the move at all? This is just screaming dejavu to me. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 This reminds me of my brother's marriage. He was newly married and he somehow found his first love on the internet. He asked his wife if she would be ok with the idea of his going to visit this woman. He had to fly to the location, but he assured her that he would return the same day. His wife agreed to this. He went on the trip and it did not prove to be what he expected evidently. His wife lost all faith in him and started to look into other situations in which he might be having an affair. They ended up getting a divorce; I don't think they were even married 6 months. When my brother told me the story I thought to myself, "How stupid of you. The very fact that he asked that question would be enough for me to dump his him. He is asking his wife to condone his meetup with his first love." I am relaying this story because there are similarities. In your case though, he did not volunteer the information...you happened to stumble on it. Then he gives you this lame exuse that he was contacting them to test your relationship or something. I sure would not move in with him, I would move on!! Link to comment
AbombSnowMan Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Hes testing himself? Sounds to me like hes saying if he has a chance to get with her hes going to take it, but if not he will keep you around. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Hes testing himself? Sounds to me like hes saying if he has a chance to get with her hes going to take it, but if not he will keep you around. I agree with this interpretation. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 you need to break up with you. if he is having to "test" to see if he's ready for a relationship, then he is not, and you deserve someone that is sine you are. Also, and even more so, contacting a girl in such a manner is cheating in my book. Link to comment
Dracia Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Being in love, I would never EVER test myself. Why would I? I'm in love. Why jeopordize what I have? I don't want anybody else. That is what he should feel. If he is testing, he is not in this for the long run. Link to comment
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