What am I supposed to do?

[marshall03]

My girlfriend and I have only been together for a month and a half, but already we are having problems.

 

Here is the situation our problems stem from: Before we first started dating, we had known each other for about a month, and because of how often she would talk about her guy friends asking her out and how she wasn't sure if she liked her best friend or not, I backed off and didn't ask her out. During that time, I really did like her, but I start pursuing another girl who I met a week before I asked my girlfriend out. The other girl was interesting, and she made it known that she liked me.

 

Anyway, long story short -- I got with my girlfriend, and I told her about how I had some interest in that other girl before we got together (because they knew each other). As soon as I tell her that I had some interest in that other girl (and I made it known it was a tiny crush after knowing someone for about 3 days), she flipped out. We had only been together for two days at that point! She started crying and telling all her friends that I liked some other girl and she didn't know if she was making me happy. I really felt like she was overreacting to the situation, but I didn't tell her that. I told her the truth: I like HER (my girlfriend). I wanted to be with her. If I had wanted to be with the other girl (who liked me a lot and let it be known to EVERYONE), I would have asked that girl out, but I was way more interested in my now girlfriend.

 

So, anyway, we got over that situation (more or less -- you'll see why I say that in a minute), and now two new problems have popped up.

 

1) One of the guy friends who asked her out before we got together found out we started dating. First thing he does is start ragging on me to her. "He's going to cheat on you and leave you. He doesn't care about you." Again, we had only been together for 2 or 3 days at this point, and this guy had never met me before. I got really upset over this, and she did stand up for me. About a week ago, he asked her out on a date even though he knows we're together. I got so angry, because she was thinking about going! She didn't feel that he was asking her out on a date. He asked her to the movies, and she asked him who all was going. He responded, "If you decide to go, it'll only be us." -- She says that's not a date. I say, "If you go, it'll only be us," sounds to me like he's saying, "I have other friends I CAN call if I need to, but if you decide to go, I only want it to be us, so I won't invite them." She keeps saying, "Oh, it's been a while. He doesn't like me anymore." It's only been like a month since he last asked her out!!We got into an argument and she decided not to go because of how uncomfortable it made me feel that she would be going to "hang out" with this guy who likes her and keeps asking her out, alone, without me there, without anyone else there (I call that a date).

 

Anyway, I tried to let it go. She keeps bringing him and the situation up, and then she yells at me for liking that other girl before we even got together! I don't know what to do. She keeps pulling this, "He's just my friend. He doesn't like me anymore. He's over me. He just wants to talk and hang out. You liked that other girl!" It bothers me. Then, when I try to point out that it was a stupid crush before we were together or even really learning about each other, she guilt trips me. She talks about how she's not going to get any sleep over the arguments now that she's thinking about me liking the other girl. She goes on and on about, "I'm just not good enough for you. I should leave you. You deserve better." I end up going from angry to having to spend an hour telling her how wonderful she is. It confuses me. I'm not sure who's fault it is anymore that we're arguing and I get really worked up over it.

 

So, that's our first problem. Yes, there's more.

 

2) Her BEST friend is this guy she used to date. He's the one (if you read up at the top) that she wasn't sure if she liked or not when we got together. A few days ago, he started asking her about her *ahem* self pleasure habits and if she shaved "there". She answered him. She thought it was cute and funny that he was asking her about that! I got so offended. How dare some guy ask my girlfriend -- or any girl he's not with -- those questions? She used that same line, "He's just my friend. He doesn't like me anymore." She gets so angry at me when I get upset over him asking her stuff like that. I don't know what to do. I am not the type of person to say, "Oh, you can't be friends with this person because I don't like them." I just don't know what to do about any of this.

 

Any advice would be great. This is my first relationship since my fiancee left me a while back, and I've never been good with these sorts of problems. Is she overreacting or am I? No matter what I try to do, she just claims I'm neglecting her and that she's not good enough for me. When we're calm, I'm very happy with her, but when these issues come up, I just get so angry that I cry.

 

Thank you for taking your time to read this. Have a good day!

[gabriellagorey]

She sounds like a lot of drama...I say run while you still can.

[MakeItCount]

She has self esteem and boundary issues. She's disrespecting you, then switching it back to you and guilt tripping you. Se sounds extremely naive and immature.

 

You on the other hand need to set your own boundaries. She crosses them, you bail. If she's like this, what happens later on? How old are you both, and how long since you and the fiancée broke up?

 

My advice? Too much drama, find someone with self esteem and some level of maturity.

[marshall03]

I agree with both of you.

 

MakeItCount -- I am 21 and she is 19. It's been nearly two years since my fiancee and I broke up. I agree with you about too much drama. To be honest, I think I'm too young and immature to handle this situation and the boundaries, but I also think I'm too old to be dealing with this high school level drama.

 

She's only had a few relationships, and they were all middle/high school stuff that lasted a few months each. I'm just not sure if we should break up or not over this stuff. It's stressful, and it's stupid of me to think she'll change any time soon, but she keeps telling me about how everyone she loves leaves her. She talks about how every guy just gets tired of her, and I feel bad thinking about letting her down and breaking up with her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This has nothing to do with her age and more to do with her personality. There are plenty of mature people her age who don't behave like this..and plenty of men and women in their 20's, 30's, 40's and beyond who behave exactly the same way. She is a drama queen, immature, selfish and self-involved. It is likely she will remain this way unless she suddenly has an epiphany. I would dump her and find someone who doesn't create this much drama.

[marshall03]

I agree. I really do, and I think you're completely right. It has nothing to do with age. I watch all the court shows on TV, and I know there are...many, many, many people way older than us who have this same drama. I just view it as childish and stupid.

 

You're all right, and it's actually nice to see my exact thoughts echoed out. I was afraid in the back of my head that maybe I was slightly overreacting.

[marmar1]

age is not important but she sounds not so mature, not near as mature as you. I think u should look for a more mature gf, who has a bit more experience in relationships. Its not right having a conversation about if she shaves or not down there with another man. That is something only you and her should talk about.

[RedDress]

Well, personally I think men and women can be friends. But your girlfriend? She has a weird definition of "friends". Even if she was single, I'd say it was strange that she wants to hang out one-on-one with someone that she knows has (or has recently had) feelings for her in the past. Why would she want to lead them on like that?? If they have had feelings (and she knows it) and she hangs out with them like that - it WILL give them the wrong impression. Even if she's been clear about her intentions.

 

I agree that it seems that she has boundary issues. It sounds like she likes/needs/solicits this type of male attention. Unless she's willing to give that up, it's never going to work.

 

I just want to be clear, though. I don't think this has to do with guy friends. I think it has to do with the type of male "friends" that she has. If it was some childhood friend or someone she had known for years who has never had feelings and she's never dated - I'd say you are overreacting. But this is not the case. These are people who have/had feelings for her. This is not the same.

[marshall03]

Red, I completely and totally agree with you. I never said I had a problem with her having male friends. Most of her friends are guys, and most of my friends are girls. I'm cool with her hanging out with her guy friends, even some of her ex's, because they haven't been together in so long and it's always a group/family setting. I have no issues with that.

 

As you said, though, this isn't the same. The type of relationship she has with these two guys is just beyond what I (and I guess most people) view as acceptable. I would never go up to a girl I'm not dating and ask her personal questions. Honestly, I wouldn't even ask a girl I'm not with her pants size. Anyway, my point is, it just won't work if THAT is what she views as acceptable. I find it rude, violating, and completely inappropriate to ask a woman those questions when not in a relationship with her.

 

I feel that it's best if I break up with her. I don't like the way she does all this drama, and I don't like the turn the situations make when she does something and then makes it where I did something wrong. Now, I just have to figure out when and where and how. Bleh...