ut804 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 ok so i know I shouldn't be friends with this girl. i am tryin to keep my distance from her because her behavior is driving me nuts. we are just complete opposite and she's got some serious issues. I just need to vent, and to possibly convince this girl to get an abortion. because its not fair to bring a child into this world you cannot support. here's why: So my friend is 24 years old. she still works minimum wage as a cashier. Never went to college or has any skills, and never has any real goals in her life. still lives at home with her mother, grandmother, and brother. Her boyfriend is 28 years old, has NO job (not even on unemployment), doesn't even has a highschool degree, and already has a 1 year child with another woman. In March she got pregnant. Pure carelessness, she said she didn't know she could get pregnant if she is on top during sex (thought it all "falls out" after). Also found out she had chlamydia and HPV. So anyway, she wanted to keep the baby. Her mother said she would be kicked out of the house by the end of the week if she had this baby. Having no where to go, she decided to get the abortion. So she got the abortion. Felt reallllyyy guilty about if afterwards. I told her nicely she should seek out a therapist. She didn't want to. Then she made it sound like she was going to get pregnant again to "bring it back". I told her not to. I said she only makes minimum wage ($7.50 per hour) and her boyfriend doesn't even have a job! I said "where are you going to put a baby? you still live with your mom and brother and grandmother!". She got MAD at me. She said she could do it! Now...she can't even support herself, nevermind a child. Plus, this is New York City. It's a bit expensive here. An apartment (a small apartment) would be around $1,300 a month's rent. Supposidly to be able to afford a 1-bedroom apartment here you need to make at least $20 per hour. And with a baby you need a 2 bedroom apartment. Plus, you would need to pay utilities, cable and phone bills, food, furniture, etc. She says she can move in with her boyfriend (yet they have only been dating a few months). BUT what if they break up? Soo she just got herself pregnant again. I said "why? why don't you wait until you are married? why don't you wait until you get a better job? why don't you wait until you move out? why don't you wait until he gets a job?" It gets me mad because you shouldn't bring a child into this world when you can't support it. So shes says she will get an abortion if her boyfriend doesn't find a job within the next month. but why didn't she just wait until he got a job??? myyy gosh this girl is so messed up!!! I guess im not really looking for advice (yeah i know i cant be friends with her). I'm just mad and venting. Or what would you say??](*,) oh yeah and to add... this girl doesn't even know how to get around by herself. she doesn't know any directions on how to get anywhere, can't drive somewhere by herself, doesn't know how to take buses and trains. lol. (and yet she lived here her whole life). Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Well I do not think it is right to tell a friend she should have an abortion. I think it is better to give her all the options and let her decide or to take her to a place like Planned Parenthood and let them discuss it with her. If she does not know how to get anywhere or seem to have common sense does she have some kind of learning disability? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I'm sure she's already counted on the taxpayers of NYC to pay for her and her baby. Some girls actually continue to have babies when they know taxpayers are going to support them. It's sad really. Link to comment
ut804 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 yeah she would have to go on welfare. i know i can't tell her to get an abortion, but if she keeps this kid it will grow up in poverty i just feel so mad that she's so selfish. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 She does not have to raise it. There are so many people who would LOVE to adopt a baby, people who can not have their own children. I feel that most keenly as I can not have more children, but I do have one, so I imagine others who can have none. How those people have children are from people like your friend. That child could have a GREAT life being adopted. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 yeah she would have to go on welfare. i know i can't tell her to get an abortion, but if she keeps this kid it will grow up in poverty i just feel so mad that she's so selfish. Well maybe she can find a part time job for now and her boyfriend can find a job. I was raised in poverty and my mom did okay with me. I had children at a young age, (a very young age) and I made it work. I had a job though and have never been unemployed since the age of 15 so that helps. If nothing else, hopefully having a baby will help her see that she needs to get her act together. Link to comment
ut804 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 adoption is out of the question. i think she wants a baby so it can love her, also to gain attention from people. its all selfishness. she has this constant need for attention and has low-self esteem. i think she also believes she will always have a man in her life if she has a baby. and its hard finding a job in this economy. i know so many people (including myself) who actively look for months and dont get anything. plus, she would need to move out of the house in 9 months to have this baby. eek. why would anyone put themselves under so much stress? to have to find a job, to have him find a job, to move out of the house and find a place to live, to get ready and have a baby ALL in 9 months time? Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Excellent. Another welfare baby. *sigh*. She'll actually end up with a much better lifestyle being a welfare Mom in NY. BUT, try to convince her to move to Jersey. They're not as generous with letting people like her take advantage of the system. lol What a tragedy. There really should be a law against people like her having kids. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 ugh, that sucks. Well, it is her life, not yours. Be thankful you have the common sense she lacks. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I'm sure she's already counted on the taxpayers of NYC to pay for her and her baby. Some girls actually continue to have babies when they know taxpayers are going to support them. It's sad really. ^ I agree. And the innocent victim is this poor baby, sad indeed... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Two simple rules apply here. Don't give unsolicited advice and don't tell someone what they already know. I think most of what you've told her falls into at least one of those categories. Your option is to cut ties with her. If you really want to help the baby why not offer to babysit, or buy some necessities for the baby if you can afford to. But continuing to lecture her or give unsolicited advice isn't going to be productive. I agree with Victoria that it's not your place to tell someone to have an abortion. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Two simple rules apply here. Don't give unsolicited advice and don't tell someone what they already know. I think most of what you've told her falls into at least one of those categories. Your option is to cut ties with her. If you really want to help the baby why not offer to babysit, or buy some necessities for the baby if you can afford to. But continuing to lecture her or give unsolicited advice isn't going to be productive. I agree with Victoria that it's not your place to tell someone to have an abortion. I agree completely. Link to comment
ut804 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 but i don't think she knows! lol i dont think she knows how much money its going to cost... like she didn't figure out anything. I know its all her choice and her life, just sucks because this baby could end up suffering. and this girl still accts like a child herself; can't even cook or travel anywhere just not fair to the kid Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 but i don't think she knows! lol i dont think she knows how much money its going to cost... like she didn't figure out anything. I know its all her choice and her life, just sucks because this baby could end up suffering. and this girl still accts like a child herself; can't even cook or travel anywhere just not fair to the kid Well, unfortunately, she'll find out very soon how hard it is. It sounds like she is determined this time. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 but i don't think she knows! lol i dont think she knows how much money its going to cost... like she didn't figure out anything. I know its all her choice and her life, just sucks because this baby could end up suffering. and this girl still accts like a child herself; can't even cook or travel anywhere just not fair to the kid Parenting is not something any of us know how to do prior to doing it, we learn as we go along. She'll learn to cook, she'll have to so she can feed her child when he/she is older and eventually she will learn how to navigate around town, as she will need to visit the doctor during pregnancy and after the baby is born. Sometimes we women learn really quick what we need to do to make things happen. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Parenting is not something any of us know how to do prior to doing it, we learn as we go along. She'll learn to cook, she'll have to so she can feed her child when he/she is older and eventually she will learn how to navigate around town, as she will need to visit the doctor during pregnancy and after the baby is born. Sometimes we women learn really quick what we need to do to make things happen. I agree, NO ONE knows what it is like to have a baby, truly have a baby until they have their own by birth or by adoption. People can tell you all kinds of things and you can babysit all the kids you want but it is not the same. It is something you actually have to do to learn and know. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 but i don't think she knows! lol i dont think she knows how much money its going to cost... like she didn't figure out anything. I know its all her choice and her life, just sucks because this baby could end up suffering. and this girl still accts like a child herself; can't even cook or travel anywhere just not fair to the kid Has she asked you for your advice on how much it costs? What exactly would you tell her? Do you have resources -books, classes, etc that you plan on giving her or telling her about if she asks? What do you plan to do to help the child since you are so concerned? How much of this is about venting and wanting to be "right" about what your friend is doing wrong (in your opinion) and how much of this is a genuine desire to help her family? Victoria is right -I came to motherhood so late, after years of a career, years of working with young children, babysitting, nannying -and boy have I stretched in my old age - I don't even recognize myself sometimes and what I do know is that there is so much more I don't know and so many more ways I need to stretch. Your friend doesn't seem to know that yet but you can't teach her especially since you're so upset with her -she won't be able to hear it from you. But you can figure out ways to help the baby when he//she is born as I suggested and as others suggested. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 ^^ Yes, motherhood is learning to grow all the time. I know NOTHING about it compared to a lot of people and I am learning every day and my son is a teenager now. That comes with a whole other bundle of experiences that I have to learn about and do. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Not everyone is bright or educated, and many do have emotional issues, as this girl does. You need to decide whether you want to keep this girl as a friend or not. Friendship is optional, and if she's driving you crazy and behaving in ways you find really inappropriate or you are always dealing with her issues because she refuses to deal with them herself, then i suggest you just stop being friends with her. It sounds like she's the type to just do whatever she wants based on a whim, and people like that either never learn or only learned based on hard experience. And they also put heavy demands on friends and family because they are so unwilling to be realistic or curb erratic behavior. She probably thinks a baby will somehow improve her life rather than contribute to the mess that is already is. She'll learn the hard way that it will just get more complicated. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 ^^ I agree with this too. She IS making her life more complicated and probably will make some child's life very hard. All the same though I still do not think it is right to tell someone to get an abortion.( I know you did not say that Lavender) An abortion is no easy thing mentally,physically and especially emotionally. This girl just had an abortion a few months ago and still feels severe guilt, so the answer is NOT to say "hey go have another abortion", it is in educating her and helping her. Link to comment
ut804 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 well.... this girl basically still acts like she is 16 years old. she doesnt know how to save money and still has Victoria's Secret bills to pay off. She doesn't know how much money an apartment here costs. She doesn't have her own place to live. Her relationship with her boyfriend is rocky, plus he has no job. I tell her it is just impossible to financially afford a baby and an apartment on what she makes. She gets mad at me, but yet she does *not* know anything on anything! I said to her "a baby needs clothes, food, a room, furniture like a crib, stroller, toys, etc" and she says "what?? A baby doesn't need all of that!" She goes and does things without thinking about consequences. I try to help in that I try to make her think about a plan and what she needs to do. It's like she will just have this baby without anything figured out! theres gonna be a whole lot of drama ahead... Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Maybe it will be helpful to give her something you find online about the cost of raising a baby per month (ie, diapers, formula, clothes, toys, etc...) some costs she can avoid, for example, if she breast feeds, if she gets hand-me-down clothes from her friends with babies. Diapers, obviously, won't be. A crib is a necessity. Maybe if you find something online, print it out and give it to her. And of course, the phone number for low income services for families. Who does she live with now? Do they know a baby is on the way? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Lecturing her isn't helpful -that's unsolicited advice she's just going to tune out and eventually she will distance herself from you. Be very honest about your motives here- is it to be right or to be close? To be right or to help the baby/her family? If it's to help then, unless she asks for advice, don't give any and certainly don't lecture and spend your time finding ways to help that she can accept - most people I know are happy to accept hand me downs for example -maybe you know people or an organization who would be willing to donate? Link to comment
ut804 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 yeah i know im not supposed to give unsolicited advice.. just venting here lol. but i could maybe say how much certain things cost. she is living with her mother, grandmother, and brother. they do not know a baby could be on the way. she says she wouldn't tell her mother until she starts showing (if she decides to keep it). and there is no room in the house because everyone has their own bedroom. argg Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I guess the baby will stay in her room then. I think she needs to tell her mother ASAP. They should be prepared for what's going to happen. Link to comment
.thumb.jpg.2d93ce2472f26b01a1e185382ba0b64e.jpg)
.thumb.jpg.78735a344a3340a866dda54f465baebb.jpg)
.thumb.jpg.707652b1f845175b2f35e03ba7f1673e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.