sbc220 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Hi everyone...i'm pretty new to this thread, so i guess i will start from the beginning... i'm 31, been together with my fiancee for 5 years now, plan to be married in august of this year...she's 27...all together, i think we have a pretty good relationship...we love each other, have fun together, get along pretty well and don't argue often...there is a very big issue however with our soon to be 'in-laws' to give you a background on her side, her mom and dad have been married for 30 something years, are immigrants, and for the most part, she wears the pants in the relationship...she controls the finances (although doesn't work), and conversations, etc are dominated by her...they have two girls, the my fiancees sister is married and lives accross the country...her sister is more independent and isn't manipulated to the degree that my fiancee is...she is 7 years older than my fiancee...her mother is a very controlling person in a lot of ways...she always inserts her opinions into conversations and makes demands of people...altogether we don't get along all that well in the sense that she is always trying to get close to me, but i won't allow it because she makes me feel so uncomfortable... my side is a different story...my parents got divorced when i was 12...they still stay in touch and everything, and are amicable, but don't see each other that often...my fiancee always has power struggles with them, specifically my mom...my sense is that my fiancees mom tells her what to do and think, and my fiancee just goes along with it most of the time, just because that's what she's use to...so essentially my mom and her mom don't get along... so just the other day, after my dad had spent a week with us, as i was taking him to the airport, he mentioned to me that he suspects something is wrong at our home (we live together)...he said he couldn't pinpoint what it is, but he thought she wasn't that happy...so i went home and as she was in the shower i checked her text messages (something i never do)...i found lots of text messages saying negative things about my dad...that he is old, crazy, and that she shouldn't have married into a 'divorced family'...needless to say i flipped out...i left my house and haven't been back for several days now...the anger is overwhelming... both her and her mother have been calling and saying that we need to talk...however i feel like i want to call off the wedding (which is exactly one month away)...i am very angry and hurt by what i read...i feel bad that it came to me having to read her texts rather than be able to ask her how she was feeling, but at least now i know the truth... essentially i need some advice on how to handle this situation...my brother and mom think i should postpone the wedding (which we have invested a great deal of money into), and see how it goes...i don't know whether or not she will accept this proposition...i feel like i should postpone it as well, just because i know we can't resolve these issues within 1 months time...i haven't spoken to her since...please help... Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 You just took off and she doesn't even know why? Link to comment
edelweiss Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 So, postpone the wedding. The last thing you want to do is marry someone you are unsure about - it would be such a mess to try to get out of the relationship once you're married. You can't trust her. You will lose money, and it will be embarrassing to postpone at short notice, but marriage is a big deal and I think it would be worse to rush into this marriage because you fear losing money/ losing face. You don't even know who you're really marrying, because she isn't communicating her true feelings to you, and has concealed hostile attitudes towards your family. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 both her and her mother have been calling and saying that we need to talk... This really caught my eye. You don't need to talk to her mother, this is between you and your fiancee, and her mother needs to bow out. I'm sorry that you're in this dilemma...you have a lot on your plate! Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I would postpone the wedding, for sure. it does sound like the mom has an undue influence in her life. and yes, like heart said, the mom should not be calling you, this is between you and your fiance. good luck Link to comment
sbc220 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 thanks guys...i think you guys gave some great advice...this is all the same things my family has been saying...it's not going to be easy, but i agree with you... its weird because the whole time i feel like we've been on the same page and wanted the same things...this whole situation really surprised me...postponing the wedding is going to be tough, really tough...we live together now and i'm not sure if the relationship will survive if i call it off...which is not what i want...i'd rather try to work things out over time...the problem is that she has been controlled for her whole life by her mother, and now we have a big problem...i feel like i know what the right thing is to do, i'm just scared of doing it...it's a tough situation... Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 well, i think it's better you deal with these issues now rather than after the wedding. if you two don't survive, maybe it's for the best. you don't want a marriage where you are second banana to mom. and yes, i would be highly upset if she were texting "i should not marry into a divorced family" a month before the wedding. red flag!!! Link to comment
KittyBoo Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I agree with the other posters about postponing the wedding until you and your financée have a chance to work through these problems. However, I think it was really low of you to read her texts. She is entitled to her own private thoughts, whether they are private just to her or even if she confides in someone. Has her behavior towards your parents ever been cruel or unkind? Did she make your father feel unwelcome in your home or even tell you that she didn't want him there? Maybe she loves you very much and didn't want to hurt your feelings by expressing her opinions out loud. I am not condoning her behavior of talking negatively about your family but how would you feel if she had invaded your privacy that way. If I were her I would be pretty upset to learn what you have done. If you want to make things work, I think your approach will need to be first as an apology for betryaing her trust and then stating how hurt you felt when you found out. Not to attack her because she chose to spare your feelings by confiding her feelings to someone else and getting it off her chest. And please don't tell your family what you found out because if you do marry this woman, you will have put everyone in a very awkward position by revealing this information. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I disagree that he shouldn't have read her texts. I'm not pro-snooping. I'd be against it if he found nothing. but he found a pretty big red flag which i think retroactively justifies the snooping. this wasn't just like, "oh, my future father-in-law annoys me." it had some pretty hurtful words, stuff about not marrying into a divorced family, etc.... very stuck up, in my opinion. i would be quite concerned. Link to comment
sbc220 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 i didn't like the fact that i had to go through the texts...it didn't feel right to me either, but i NEEDED to know what was going on and i know that she wouldn't have given it to me straight... i know this is a HUGE communication issue...i had no other choice...this is the person i was planning on marrying, and this is going to be a big wedding, with lots of people and lots of money involved...not that any of that means anything, but it just adds to the amount of emphasis being placed on this... she wasn't mean or disrespectful to my dad...she was very nice...but when i said that maybe he should move around the area so we could see more of him, she immediately offered alternative ideas rather than try to work with the idea of him being closer... all she focuses on now is how i shouldn't have read the texts...i know i shouldn't have read them, but i needed to know...i don't regret it...i wish she would have been more honest with me, i wish i would've asked more questions, i wish i wasn't in this situation which seems like there is no solution...i'm stuck and there's a lot of problems to deal with that i don't feel like i can deal with...i just don't know what to do now... Link to comment
sunnyhappydays Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I have to say something which I don't think many people have said - well done, sbc. I'm not being sarcastic. Well done for treating marriage right and approaching it correctly. You are 100% correct to try and resolve this before the wedding. If more people were like you, there would be fewer divorces. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Wait...I'm confused. Was she the one texting others that she shouldn't have married into a divorced family (considering she hasn't said I do, yet, and you're both not married yet), or was her mom telling her negative things about your dad? Well, if it was her saying these things, then yikes. But if her mom or someone else in her family was saying them, then you have to go work things out with your fiancee. I would honestly hear what she has to say. Sometimes when we're reading things with a ton of adrenaline coursing through us, 80% of the time given that you were also under the influence of your dad saying something was weird, you could have taken things out of context. My best friend and I read things so quickly at times, that we blow things out of proportion, only to go back to the original email, and go, oh, um, DUHHH. I mean, she could have totally been talking about someone else. Think of it...is your dad crazy? Or does that sound nothing like him. Did you have time to read the whole thing? Or did you only glimpse at things while she was in the shower, and you started panicking after the first text. Does she even know why you left the house? Does she even know what happened? Do you even know what she wants to talk to you about? Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Oh...and another thing to add to the mix. My sweetheart and I talk about his mom quite often to, her issues with hoarding, her confidence issues, and her major abandonment issues. And man, granted she loves me, she does she love to say things about me to my face, and to my sweetheart, how we're trying to abandon her, and that we're awful. But it's got nothing to do with me and him...just her issues. You've been with her for 5 years. I'd give her an ear of your time, before just blowing everything, and her off. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Also, you are the one that was looking for trouble. Instead of taking her side, and asking her about what your dad said, instead of trusting her, you went straight for her phone (you're nervous, I get it). But dude, she probably would have been able to talk to you about things then, and not when your dad was around, which could have been her own nervousness too. And all of that above has nothing to do with if you both are right for each other. And while you may have mentioned certain living arrangements with your dad close by, she could have been offering other suggestions, just to offer them. You could have also talked about that with her to clarify what she meant, when she could have meant nothing by it at all. While a lot of people never ever talk about it, cold feet happens to A LOT of people. So we hound for ways to prove to us that we're marrying the wrong person. But you need to actually go and talk to each other before you end it all over some texts you may not even be sure what it was about. And after you do, and she does say, "yes I think your dad is old and crazy (old I don't get, cuz he should be old, cuz he's your dad)," and that she shouldn't have married into blah, blah, then go nuts. Until then, talk to her. Link to comment
Tresha Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 It sounds to me like her mother's involvement is not healthy. Have you pointed out to her that her own mother is crazy and you can't believe you are marrying into a family with a controlling, overbearing MIL who will likely be all up in your business? Is she even aware that her family is intrusive to you? Perhaps she doesn't have a clue. This is normal to her. If her mother complains about how other families live, it may just be what your fiancee is used to? I would be angry if my husband were talking smack about my mother, especially since my mother is much much much less involved in our lives. Do you have the same freedom to talk smack about her mom? If its a two-way street, it may just be the norm for her, and that habit can be broken. My MIL is a daily part of our lives. She is a dominant personality who's thoughts automatically run to what everyone else needs to be doing around the house and grounds. We nod and smile. If it gets bad, we tell her she is welcomed to do those things, but I just got done mowing and weed-eating 5 acres and I have to cook for us all shortly ... so its not going to be me doing whatever it is she's fixated on now. There are no hard feelings. We are adults, we love having her here, we want her here with us (moving my own mother here to the property very soon), but we lead our own lives. It definitely can work with in-laws, but it takes honest communication ... and it takes acceptance. We can't change MIL's anxiety or the way her thoughts roll. She's old enough she's not really interested in changing, and she shouldn't have to. She is welcome to express all of those thoughts if she wants, we are just not obligated to do what she wants. Simple once everyone gains acceptance. You may not really have to call it all off if the parties involved are willing to accept and communicate. You're going to have to say that to the future MIL, though, and she's going to have to accept your family. Her family is going to have to accept your family, too. I think they need to be aware of that. Link to comment
sbc220 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 so i did it...i came back to my house today (i own it mind you), and her parents were there! i couldn't believe it! i told them that they shouldn't be there and they started saying, we've known each other for 5 years and we need to talk...i told them this is between me and her and they agreed...they wanted to talk inside the house, but i wouldn't allow it...i said we need to go to the mall at a starbucks and walked out...my fiancee walked by and i told her she had no right to bring her parents to my house... so i met them there and started telling them about how wrong everything that she did was...she didn't seem to get it...at one point she actually smiled at me while i was upset, so i threw my smoothie against the wall and left...her dad caught up with me and eventually talked me into talking with her alone...she apologizes without even knowing why she's apologizing...she says 'i'm sorry you read those texts and they upset you'...not exactly a great apology... i eventually left and went home...she came upstairs and we started going through things again with absolutely no result...so i said i want time apart, that the wedding is postponed, and her parents need to leave...she refused to have her parents leave so eventually i said i would go to a hotel...i told her that her mother is a very big problem, in that she interferes and tells her things that are ruining our relationship, but also made it clear that she is the one that is allowing this to happen... as i started to pack up some belongings, she goes downstairs and faints! her mom runs upstairs to get me, is about to call an ambulance, and i go down to check on her...she had a pulse and was breathing, so i told her to get up because i knew she was fine...so she gets up and tells her mom she's ok, as she's about to call an ambulance... i went to take a shower, finished packing, and now i'm at a hotel...i have to say that it definitely felt right to do what i did...i can only thank my brother for setting my head straight last night...i needed a good kick in the ass and he was the one to give it to me...i'm going to continue down this path and i believe i'm on the right path...i finally feel like a man again... Link to comment
truegrit Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Unless I read this wrong.......your in a hotel and your fiancee and her parents are staying in YOUR house? What is with that? Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 wow - bringing mom and dad over??? let me guess - was she the kind of student when she got a failing grade in a class, mom and dad would go to the professor and argue the grade with him??? this is totally unacceptable. I would tell them that they need to leave tomorrow. tomorrow night, you stay at your home, they stay at a hotel. sheesh. your gf/fiancee is out of control. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 how did she react when you told her the wedding is off? did she fight it? i dislike the way she brought her parents into this. it's like she's trying to be like, "it's 3 against 1, you are wrong!" you can't have a marriage like that. Link to comment
Careerchoice Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Unless I read this wrong.......your in a hotel and your fiancee and her parents are staying in YOUR house? What is with that? Tough eviction laws in this state, thank the lawmakers and courts for making it this way. In any case, begin the process on evicting her. If she's not paying any rent (a licensee), the process should be easier than if she were a paying/non-paying tenant. Go to your town court and see if this is something that can be handled on your own or if you would have to get an attorney involved. My guess is that you should be able to handle this on your own. Link to comment
sbc220 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 yes, you read it right my friend...i tried getting her to leave and even called the police, but they said that i would have to go through a lawyer to get her out...otherwise there's nothing they can do...they did say i could get her parents out, but that was all i could do, so i decided to leave...not the best choice, but i wanted to avoid seeing them until i'm in a better state of mind... Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Still really confused...you came back home, acted super violent, erratic, then demanded for her parents to leave while you were acting really over the top without ever explaining why her mom really upsets you, yelling at her, then storming out. That's not communicating. If you love her, and she doesn't get it, have you thought about taking a breath, and calmly explain to her how you're feeling. Though your drink out against a wall, yelling frantically makes you a person who NO ONE wants to be alone in the room with. And you know why you're angry...you didn't give her a real chance to explain what's going on. You're so AMPED up, you're not listening. I'm glad you're in the hotel. Go exercise, take a breather, and tell her to come to the hotel to talk, on your own. Think of it this way. You went home. Her parents were already there, and you're screaming at the top of your lungs to tell them to get out. Man, if that was my daughter, I'd think you were off your rocker, and would not leave my daughter alone in that house. I would literally think you were planning to hit her. First of all, you stormed out without really telling her what happened. Then, stormed back in, without really talking to her. Right now, I don't think it's her that has the problem in resolving conflict, and communication. You need to calm down, and act like an adult. Not like an impulsive kid, that can't explain themselves verbally, and productively, so has a hissy fit instead. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 they started saying, we've known each other for 5 years and we need to talk...i told them this is between me and her and they agreed...they wanted to talk inside the house, but i wouldn't allow it... You have completely proven her family right. You don't deserve her. Yes, this is between you an her, but family is family. And that is something you don't get about her. You don't get family. Her parents wanted to speak to you for 5 minutes probably, and you throw them out onto the curb. And you have NO CLUE what they wanted to say. It could have been them needed to apologize for what they did. Instead you treat them worse then strangers. You wouldn't even give them the time of day. You showed how indeed you care nothing for her family. You blew up something that you're not even sure if it was something to blow up. I honestly feel bad for her. You assume based on this story you made up that she is under her mother's thumb. Just because her parents checked in on her, cuz her fiancee abandoned her does not mean they are trying to control her daughter. They care about her, so came by the house. That's what family does. You're right. You're both different. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I don't agree TB - I think that the parents were not there to apologize. I think that the daughter should not have involved them at all. And I don't find her 'apology' sincere. Not that she apologized for what she said about his dad. Link to comment
sbc220 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 exactly...it wasn't a heartfelt apology and i did explain it to all three of them, in a very calm manner...they refused to accept what i was saying, at one point laughing...anyone with any integrity would not tolerate that... i am happy about the way i handled it...they showed me extreme disrespect like i have never seen...not even my worst enemies have said stuff like that...while it's not easy/comfortable to deal with it this way, its the way it has to be done...unless there were SERIOUS and drastic changes made, i'll be OK letting her go.. Link to comment
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