What an awful day.

[rbsx]

I feel miserable today, for the first day in a long time, I figured I'd post here.

 

I am sad because I took a chance. I took a chance, and it backfired. I pride myself on being a good person, I stand up for my friends, the people that I love, I listen, I provide compassion, even when it isn't convenient to me, because I feel that the truest test of character is not how you are when things are good, but how you are when things are bad.

 

Two weekends ago, I spent 2 hours on the phone with my exgirlfriend. We broke up a year ago. She spent most of the time telling me how she wasn't over me, that she was still attracted to me, but like everything I've had to do in our relationship, I had to fight for every inch and the door propped open as quickly as it closed. A few days later, she emailed me saying it was nice to talk, it was great to bicker like we used to, and she called a few days later saying she was listening to a song that reminded me of her, suffice to say, it was very vulgar with blatant sexual connotations.

 

I made my move, I invited her out to where I am right now currently, New York, for a weekend. It's been a year, this is still on her mind, it needs to be put to rest one way or the other. Rather than be clear, honest, and truthful, she's evaded everything. Maybe she isn't mature enough yet to talk about the hard stuff, maybe she doesn't want to make a choice, but the thing that gets lost in all of this is that she isn't the only person who is affected by the decisions we make. I am as well. Sometimes I feel irrelevant.

 

I sit here on Independence Day (a holiday I don't care about since I am Canadian), thinking about how she called me on this day last year, embarrassed because she showed up to a party at her friends house this time last year, and everyone was a couple, and I wasn't there. (We had broken up by this time last year).

 

I sit here contemplating my next move. Obviously this is something that is important to her, because she's admitted to writing me 9 emails about how she feels, and sending none of them. I'm just not sure how to get through with her. But I think my next move is this -- A phone call with a simple question:

 

Is being in my life something that is important to you? I can't wait to hear her answer one way or the other, and put this behind me, because this is ridiculous and I'm sick of feeling this way. I don't understand people who can't extend common courtesy -- a simple 'I'm busy right now, but I'll get back to you soon.' or 'I'm sorry, I can't.' or simply telling me that she isn't comfortable with answering that kind of question.

 

I feel that as human beings we are all equal and deserving of the same amount of respect, and that other people should be treated the way that we expect to be treated ourselves. It's too bad more people don't think this way. Time to hit the gym.

 

 

By the way, if you guys really want to move on, stay away from reading other people's sadness, as it generally only reminds you of your own. I try to stay away as often as possible because we naturally try to draw parallels and infer certain things from other people's problems and their solutions. This usually doesn't work, each situation is unique unto itself.

[rbsx]

For the record, even some of the most casual texts/phone calls have been ignored. Asking her a question, or saying hello. But when she calls me, it's like a whole different deal.

 

It's unreal.

[lavenderdove]

Some people like to take nostalgic trips down memory lane now and again with an ex, but that doesn't mean they're going to get back with you. Options don't remain open forever, and if you're still doing this after a year, i think it is time to call her bluff and see if she is really ready to try again, and if she says anyting other than yes (and backs it up with actions that show you are together again), then you just have to assume that she likes to ring you when she's nostalgic, or lonely, or bored or whatever, but isn't serious about getting back with you at all.

[rbsx]

Some people like to take nostalgic trips down memory lane now and again with an ex, but that doesn't mean they're going to get back with you. Options don't remain open formever, and if you're still doing this after a year, i think it is time to call her bluff and see if she is really rady to try again, and if she says antying other than yes (and backs it up with actions that show you are together again), then you just have to assume that she likes to ring you when she's nostalgic, or lonely, or bored or whatever, but isn't serious about getting back with you at all.

 

Who said anything about wanting to get back together? I just asked her a simple question and I'd settle for an answer. She seems to be doing whatever she can to avoid giving any answer whatsoever, and I'd be perfectly content with hearing 'no', I just want an answer. I don't know if she was just being nostalgic, but the amount of tears shed suggest there's definitely some feelings there from her standpoint.

 

I think the biggest problem is that last time we were together, she admitted, that if we saw each other again it was probably because we would be getting back together, nothing more, nothing less... and I think that the seriousness of the situation is why she's trying to avoid making any decision whatsoever. I think the problem is that the yes or no answer isn't actually about coming to visit me, it's actually about a lot more.

 

Heck I can't blame her it's a huge risk for her, but I don't think that she seems to understand that she's not the only person who's taking a risk here.

 

Eh, I don't know how to bring this up with her.

[thejigsup]

I'm going to give you a quick lesson in femalespeak. An evasive answer always means, "NO". She was just having a little fun at your expense. Treat it that way. She has no intention of giving you a clear answer because that would mean her game is over and she is having fun playing it. I wish it was nobler or nicer, but this is what it is.

[rbsx]

I'm going to give you a quick lesson in femalespeak. An evasive answer always means, "NO". She was just having a little fun at your expense. Treat it that way. She has no intention of giving you a clear answer because that would mean her game is over and she is having fun playing it. I wish it was nobler or nicer, but this is what it is.

 

I basically know that this is the case, I have been doing this for a while, this was more of a vent thread than it was an advice thread. Either way, I've got to talk to her about it because this is a game that I can't continue to have going on in my life.

[cole-kenneth61]

I basically know that this is the case, I have been doing this for a while, this was more of a vent thread than it was an advice thread. Either way, I've got to talk to her about it because this is a game that I can't continue to have going on in my life.

 

I say good idea. I called my ex out on the same thing a few weeks ago, ultimately asked the question if she wanted to be with me or not...getting her to look me in the eyes to tell me she didn't want to be with me if that was what she really wanted. After a few tears she eventually did it, real sad but has worked wonders since for my moving on....but each person is different of course...!

[rbsx]

I say good idea. I called my ex out on the same thing a few weeks ago, ultimately asked the question if she wanted to be with me or not...getting her to look me in the eyes to tell me she didn't want to be with me if that was what she really wanted. After a few tears she eventually did it, real sad but has worked wonders since for my moving on....but each person is different of course...!

 

Yeah this girl just has no clue, she herself has even said she's got no clue what's goin on in her life, but I'm also the first guy she's ever been hung up on as well. I have no problem with moving on with the rest of my life, but I wouldn't tolerate this from ANYONE (this is nothing unique to her), if one of my friends were to jerk me around like this, I'd be pissed at them too.

 

I know she's still attracted to me and all that * * * * , but the question I'm asking is for more important, it's akin to 'will you treat me with respect, as a friend or otherwise?'

[rbsx]

By the way, I'm not completely clueless as to what the silent treatment means. I just figure I'd rather hear it from her than not, it's a matter of mutual respect.

[lavenderdove]

>>Is being in my life something that is important to you?

 

That question is too nebulous to get you to where you want to go... let's say she answers yes... In her head 'important' could mean someone she can count on to call on the phone when she bored or lonely or nostalgic or wants an ego boost. she could view you as 'important to her' in the same way she views her mother or brother or best friends as important, but that doesn't mean she'll treat you the way you want to be treated. So the answer to that question really is irrelevant to helping you move forward.

 

What exactly do you want from her? That is what you should ask her, if you are uncomfortable with the situation as it is. What would make you comfortable with her? That is what you should ask for, and if she won't/doesn't give it to you, then you have to make the decision whether to keep her in your life or not.

 

Human beings want to be validated, but validation is not the extent of what you want from her, and we really to find validation within OURSELVES and not expect another person to give it to us, just like closure can't be handed to us either. We have to arrive there ourselves by the choices and decisions we make.

 

So I think you do really want to get back together with her, and her saying she 'misses' you etc. makes you think that is possible so you invite her to see you and she refuses. I think her refusal is more the answer you are looking for, that you are important to her as an ex and someone she has memories of and wants around for emotional support sometimes, but that she is not willing to get back with you or meet with you because she doesn't want a deeper relationship or romantic relationship with you right now. Maybe she'll want it in future, maybe not. Your real question is are you willing to accept her as just a friend, the way she is, or do you want to push for more, and if you don't get it, move on (and either be friends or not, whichever works for you)?

 

I also think if she is saying things like 'she isn't comfortable with answering that question', it is as the other poster says, that means no or she knows it is something unpleasant for you, as is, 'you are an important part of my past and i have very fond memories of that but i also know it will not work and i will not get back with you but i don't want to come out and say that and hurt you'. Or she knows if she say no, she fears you won't stay friends with her and she still wants emotional support from you but not in a BF/GF relationship but as friends.

 

So rather than try to drag some admission from her that may or may not be true (and many people do avoid the trust out of either fear of the consequences or fear they will hurt you), you should instead ask for exactly what you want, what behavior you need from her to make you happy. Then if she won't give that to you, you have to decide whether to continue as her friend or not.

[rbsx]

I wouldn't say a relationship is necessarily what I want from her, because a relationship is simply impossible without the underlying foundation. Right now, we've both got our guards up, we both only approach each other when we feel okay about things.

 

I think you're right, I need to start asking her for things, rather than just 'going with it'. So far I've identified 3 things that I am not okay with. I've already been clear with her about my feelings towards friendship with her. I can't promise her that I will be her friend. I can't promise we'll talk daily, weekly, or even monthly, and that our 'relationship' (I use that term because it could be as acquaintances, friends, or more) is only what we make it. But the fact remains that I've got lots of friends, and I don't need one that will be an emotional drain on me. If she can contribute to my life, I'd be more than happy to have her in it, but if she can't then I'm okay with her not being in it.

 

For the record, she hasn't said 'she isn't comfortable with answering the question'.. I just know that I'm forcing a choice out of her and she doesn't like it. She wants to have it all.

 

Right now I'm just trying to articulate what it is that I'm uncomfortable with, and what it is that I need from her, and that's proving to be a very hard task without coming off as desperate or needy. My relationship with this person means a lot to me. Not because she's physically attractive or she can be very kind to me, and I think that she feels the same way. I think that talking to her about this is really scary, but something that I need to do.

 

I just don't know what to say. This isn't about being accusatory, I don't want her to do thigns for me because I guilted them out of her, so I've got to be careful. Meh.

 

Last time I talked to her she said we were on good terms, and that she'd never ignore me. Er, are we on good terms??

[magnoliatree]

I think you can't force her to decide anything. You've clearly opened the door but you can't make her walk through. And I think you are on the verge of trying to convince her, which never works. Personally, I'd cut off communication and let her decide for herself - I don't think that she really needs you around to help her make up her mind.

[hausser]

Feeling rough as hell today too man, proper depressed about everything, came from almost nowhere. Stress levels through the roof. Feel really bad about the BU, regretting things, not a good place to be.

[rbsx]

I think you can't force her to decide anything. You've clearly opened the door but you can't make her walk through. And I think you are on the verge of trying to convince her, which never works. Personally, I'd cut off communication and let her decide for herself - I don't think that she really needs you around to help her make up her mind.

 

You are absolutely right, and she's been sitting on that 'line' for months now. I agree, I can't convince her, I can only tell her what I want out of her.