karma41 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I met a guy three weeks ago that I like. He just moved to my city from another for a work opportunity. He told me he was seperated and in the process of divorce. I have always had the rule I do not date married men. I really like him and went out with him a few times and we clicked big time. He was leaving to go back to his former place of residence to spend time with friends and bring his son back for a week or so ( son is in college). We talked every day on the phone and spent time togeather, dinner, listening to bands, etc. He asked me at the last minute if I wanted to go with him, but I could not rearrange my life in time and told him I would go next time. He left on a Thursday, talked to me on the phone on the way to the airport. Texted me from the airport saying he had and hour long conference all and would call me later. I had not heard from him by Saturday and this really freaked me out. We are both in our late forties, so we are not in high school and should know some social skills. I got to thinking about a bad experience I had years ago with anothe man who was seperated who turned out to be still married and started telling myself "here we go again". I finally texted him and told him I did not think things would work out for us. He texted me back asking me if I sent the test to the wrong person. I texted him back and told him, no, I was breaking my own rules for me and not feeling good about it. He texted me back and said he did not know how to respond to me. I texted him back and told him I was having bad feelings about all of this and that I had not heard from him. He texted me back and said " I did not know we were joined at the him". I texted him back and said that we were not and that maybe I expected too much from him too soon. Have not heard from him since. I am an honest up front call it the way it is woman and have with him from day one. Now I am thinking I came off needy and insecure althought that was not my intent. Any thought from anyone on this. I am very attracted to him and like him a lot but I don't want to be played for a fool. Karma41
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 He said he would call you later and then didn't. This "joined at the hip' comment he made is simply deflecting the real issue. He did not follow up on contacting you. However, texting was not a good way to get your point accross. You should have waited until he called you. It doesn't seem like you really had a chance to explain yourself properly in the text. Texting is not a good way to communicate important matters. However, I do understand your concern about not wanting to date someone who is not yet divorced. Often once the divorce is finalized these people have undealt with emotions to sort out.
karma41 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Crazyaboutdogs, Thanks for your reply, you and I are about the same age. I feel bad because I went against my rule about dating married men. I hate to be so ridged and untrusting not to give the guy a chance, but my gut was telling me something just want not right. In the perfect world I should have waited until he got back and told him my feelings in conversation. Do you feel I came of needy and insecure, that is my biggest worry. I am at an age where I understand I am responsible for my happiness and I just was not feeling good about it all and sent the text, which I now regret. Not sure where to go from here except I have no intentions of contacting him, it is what it is. Karma41
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I don't think it is needy and insecure to start questioning someone's motives and story when they say they are going to contact you and don't. However, I do think you jumped the gun in dumping him when you didn't give him a chance to explain why he couldn't call you. I think you reacted based on your emotions at the time rather than taking a few deep breaths and waiting until he came back so that you could address it in person.
karma41 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Well gosh, not feeling better about myself on this one.....lol Thank you for your imput regarding my thoughts and you are spot on, I was reactive and I should not have been. Now, I guess I will have to see where it goes from here. I am wondering if he is thinking I am needy and insecure, so you read that from my actions? Karma41
DN Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 'Later' to you may mean a few hours. 'Later' to him may mean a few days. Neither is wrong. However, why were you waiting for him to text you? Why could you not text him - surely that is also part of post-high school social skills?
karma41 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Your right about the later and meaning to one being different to another. I just got caught up in the possiblity of another bad experience and decided to end it before it got to that point. I feel bad about my reactionary response as opposed to waiting until he got back and saying "hey, i have a problem with all of this and I would like to have an open conversation about it with you". That was my bad in all of this. I let a bad experience with another man in the past catch up with me in how I dealt with him. Any advice on how to move forward with him now? I do believe I should let him initiate contact if there will be any going forward. Karma41
DN Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I do believe I should let him initiate contact if there will be any going forwardWhat, after the last messages that you sent to him? I think you have that backwards. I think you are the one who should contact him, offer an apology and invite him out.
karma41 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 I did write him a letter and explained about past my experience that I related to him. I told him that I had over thought the entire issue and regretted the text messages and my anxiety over a past issue that really had nothing to do with him. I told him that I should not have been so reactive regading my thoughts and that it was not my intent to read so much in to the feelings I was having. I told him that I was aware that he had taken a trip to spend time with friends and family and it was not my intent to diminish his time away. I told him that I hope that he can forgive me and we can start over as friends. I am not really certain what else I can do. I felt a letter might be better as if I called or text he might think it was just more of the same. I am a little concerned I have really sent the wrong impression to him about who I am. I take most things in stride and this just really scared me big time as I related it to a past really bad ending. Karma4
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 You know what, if he is really interested in you he will be in touch to resume things, especially since you apologized. If he doesn't get back to you then he was not that interested in the first place. Remember that you haven't been seeing each other that long and he could very well have been dating other women so it really depends on his interest level in you. Best thing for you to do is to let it go and see what happens.
karma41 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I got a couple of text from him this evening. The first I did not feel too good about, he said he needed to take some time to spend with his son who came to visit him and needs to make some decisions about what he wants and what is best for him. Then he text me and said he thought I was an awsome girl, but that things were moving way to fast, too many expectations and that he was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Then he texted me and said that he did not want to be impersonal and that he would be more than willing to discuss this with me in a conversation. To me, I am thinking he could have totally blown me off, but he took the time to text and also said he would be willing to discuss this with me, all good signs I would assume? karma41
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Tough to say whether or not they are good signs. It could go either way. I would suggest meeting up with him to see what he has to say...just guard your heart because it is clear that a relationship is not really top priority for him.
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