Ugh......my relationship in a nutshell..what do i do now?

[hopelessincan]

Why do we idealize our exes during the relationship and especially after the break up? No one is perfect, but when you cant have them, why do they become that way in our minds?

I am one of those believers that love conquers all and will go through hell and back for someone I love, especially when the issue seems to be communication.

Anyhow sorry this is so very long. Apparently it is soothing to type it all out.

 

I have been relfecting on my last 15 months with my *ex*(?). (I honestly dont know what we are right now..... and coming to terms with things I have known since very early on. Things I ignored because of the crazy connection we had.

 

I think it was doomed from the beginning. I think we both knew it. But we have an unmistakable chemistry..the passion was just amazing. We could not stay away from each other, no matter how hard we tried. (We had a convo early on with both of us basically picking all the reasons we should just be friends). Most of them non issues in my mind(money, living arrangements, working near each other, our independence), and of course months later these issues were non existent because they werent issues to begin with.

We started out being extrememly honest with each other...as it should be..I made him uncomfortable before our actual first date telling him that I had had a hard time getting over my ex, but I was now and we were attempting to be friends. I thought it was the best idea. Looking back obviously i was wrong. He then became paranoid that I was talking to him or seeing him and didnt believe me when I told him I hadnt. (anyways he got over that about 4/5 months in). I told him that I was with him because i wanted to and he wasnt a rebound. I was single for 6 months prior to him (other than a couple dates, and i ended those as quickly as they started, as I just wasnt feeling it).

While being in a relationship is high on my priority list, I will not stay with someone I dont like/not attracted to, or dont have a connection with.

 

.but I started to notice little things, what i perceived as jealousy (he says no...later on in the r/s I realize he isnt), him thinking he was in the way of my social life, he put me on a pedestal and would always say things insinuating that he wasnt good enough for me, that i was perfect, that he could fall in love with me so easily and has never loved nor felt like this before. I met his best friend very early on and he thought I was so good for him. Well man that is a hard thing to live up to. The more I did and the more we got to know each other, the happier and more surprised he became. (a big thing I remember is how surprised and excited he was the first time I made him dinner, as he never pegged me as the domesticated type.) In a way I swear he was disappointed that I was well rounded and his initial impression was somewhat wrong. I am always cautious in the early stages, and tend to hold back, which can scare some people away. But once I fall, boy do i fall.

 

Anyways, for the first 6 months or so, we spent loads of time together. I would say 4/5 times a week. We would talk on the phone for hours. If I had plans or something to do, he would usually come over after..he felt like he was always seeing me around my schedule for a while. (he would never come though....which bothered me but I pushed it aside). I am usually quite the socialable person and he is very much the loner type, but very friendly and great to talk to.

 

Im not sure what happened after that. We started having disagreements (often while drinking) and would break up. not real break ups but the fight would last maybe day usually with me hounding him to death to talk to me or him sending me ridiculous texts just to start a convo disregarding anything that happened. Then we would make plans and carry on pushing it under the rug. We would usually talk about things later on, and when we did those talks were absolutely amazing. We were really starting to understand each other so I thought.

 

Fast forward 8 months and we had an actual break up. This I take a large part of the blame for. I basically got in his face and wouldnt let him leave. somewhere along the line I had lost my independence. I had made him my whole world. I knew it but didnt do much about it.

It lasted about 3 or 4 weeks with some contact but not alot, with me finally initiating seeing him (showed up at his house) and trying to talk. It was around the holidays so maybe that helped i dont know. We spent xmas eve together with him telling me there was no where else he would rather be, but that he had been adamant that we were over, and we werent back together, this was just a temporary truce if you will. Um ok I thought. Theres no need for that. We have no kids, nothing to tie us together but just let it go. Lying to himself I thought. So we spent the holidays, new years together, exchanged gifts, went to a few parties together because he knew i wanted to and wanted to make me happy. (Geez Im thinking, why now right?). I had wanted to do these things before, and he would always say go, have fun. It would drive me nuts. I wanted to do couple things and often.

Then early jan I get a call to come meet his mother. OMG I am thinking, wow this is it. Ive broken through and he now knows he wants me. Her and I click right away and are so excited (both of us had been bugging him for months to meet). Ok we are back on track.

 

1.5 months later. another sorta breakup. lasts a few days, and low and behold its valentines day. well who shows up with a dozen roses? so happy i make him dinner. (I am the type that always treats my man with something for V-day, but i hadnt got him anything i was just so fed up wwith the push/pull (i was done at this time), but of course when he shows up with the flowers, my heart melts and I have a bit of guilt)

That brings me to where I am now. Next few months, things go pretty well (minor ups and downs but we are getting a little better at understanding each other). We discuss living together, he was there before but isnt quite yet anymore after our ups and downs. He tells me how happy he is, how he is sure about us now and he doesnt want to be anywhere else. He is around more often, calling me often. Things are great. Then he backs off. (although when I call him on it he denies it). this has been one contstant in our relationship. He seems to back off when we start to get real close. He just cannot see it at all. Meanwhile, I cannot stop thinking about living with him, about coming home to him everyday. I try, but the seed had been planted months ago and it is starting to affect us.

 

So the pattern starts again. Although this time I am starting to actually realize I put too much pressure on him. Anyhow I dont see him for a few days. I start to panic. Looking back we had talked to or tried to contact each other over these few days, but I was stressed out and just wanted him at that time and did not go about it the right way. I wanted him to fix my problems.

 

Any how, argument ensues (two weeks ago), I try to stop him from leaving (again) (big no no in his books), we argue, he tells me i am too needy and leaves. I call and email a million times that day, he answers and tells me i crossed the line. I leave him be for 5 days, call him and he tells me he doesnt want to see me and hangs up. I leave him another 3 days. I get an email from him, offering me things from his house. (again this is typical "i miss you' behaviour from him. I wait a few hours and respond saying thanks for the offer, sure that would be great. back and forth a bit , no relationship convo and I dont respond to his last answer.

 

I decide I am not contacting him again until he calls me. Email will not suffice. Well that lasts two days. I cant get it out of my head that he is thinking of me because i got an email. Just a measly email. So I call him. He answers on speaker and I say hi to his son. Convo 30 seconds. Do I leave it be? hell np. So predictable, I send him an email. No answer. Oh well, he's not answering that one, so hey I should send another. Ok One more. He eventually answers one that has nothing to do with us and we get in an email argument. He says he was just being nice offering me those things, I call him out on it and he gets mad. If I know him at all, I know it was an excuse to talk to me when he sent it. Back and forth some more and eventually gets fed up and says he is busy and is not going to respond to anymore emails. I send two more and stop.

Stay up half the night, wake up just numb. Send him an apology saying that I am sorry, that its not worth losing each other, and some other non related stuff. he answers right away to everything. Then says we are done. Hes been pushed too far, but let him know when I want to get the things.

Shock sets in, I call him. He is very monotone and says thats its over. The last fight was awful and he doesnt have the energy to try anymore. Its just lack of communication I say. Its us not respecting the others views. We are done. I cry. We hang up. We continue to talk over email for the next two hours. He answers everything but anything related to us.

 

And that was two days ago. I forced myself to stay busy the last two days. Instead of contacting him when I get the urge, I have been emailing my feelings to myself. It is sort of working. Except today apparently as I for some reason felt the urge to get advice here again. But I have not contacted him. I want to see him so bad. I know that if we do, then it will all come back. I think thats why he is avoiding it and turning things around on me. But it is always me apologizing to him. He has a part in this too. I want him to miss me and come to me but i dont even know anymore who is at fault this time. He is a proud man and will not apologize if he doesnt think he did anything wrong. I think we both have an equal part in this. You cant control other peoples reactions or feelings only your own right?

 

Any advice or thoughts appreciated. Please dont say how we are too different or I am too needy. I never was before, but I am trying to understand why I became this way with him. (Not all the time, just when I am afraid he is running away). And we do have a lot of similarities and all our goals are in line with each other.

Do I give it some time and go see him? I do love this man and think we do have a shot. We just cant seem to stop the push/pull. Do I wait and hope he contacts me?

I do suspect I will hear from him sometime this week, but probably under the guise of getting those things. I am very up and down with my emotions right now.

[hopelessincan]

and of course..I know everyone says this, but when we are good, man are we good. Best everything I have every had.