Spark gone??

[MrsPCMole]

We have an 18 month old baby, a mortgage, he's a police officer and i work 16 hours and stay home with our daughter. We never argue, although we have disagreements, we never raise voices. The past twelve months I've felt incredibly lonely, he works, i play house, he comes home, we spend time as a family, then when it's just the two of us I've been feeling like we're a Mum and a Dad and we're just that there's no passion, we have sex maybe once or twice a month and it always seems to be when its been an occasion or if we've had a drink. He is constantly trying to please me when I ask do you love me he says yes, if I ask do you fancy me he says yes, I know he loves me but I wonder why he doesn't feel like we've drifted, why there's no sex. He's the best Dad I could ask for, he does laundry, he washes pots, cleans, everything we do as a family is shared our family life is fantastic but i feel like its two best friends playing house. I am very conscious of the way I look I've put a lot of weight on since we met and feel like this is what is getting inbetween us, I have recently lost a stone I've still got a way to go, he assures me that my weight doesn't bother him so why doesn't he come near me..? I feel silly because he doesn't think there's anything wrong he's happy but I'm not and I feel ungrateful. I think he thinks we don't need to work at the romance and intimate side of our relationship like being together is enough. Unless I create romance or instigate sex it doesn't happen, there's no surprises, everything we do is what I have organised, I've tried to stop being the organizer to see if he responds and does thing off his own back but that doesn't work still. I just want to feel special or appreciated that he thinks of me, like I count. What can I do? Am I being silly? Should I just accept that this is my life?? Please help...

[Seraphim]

When you have a young family and there is hours and hours of work to be done on part of both people outside and inside the home, sex and romance does tend to take a back seat and this is normal. It happens to almost everyone. If he is taking interest in his home and you and his child I would take this as a positive sign. He actually IS being romantic. Doing house work for you and taking interest in his family IS romantic, that IS love. I think people think that the only thing that is love is having wild sex every second day and while that is awesome and it will come back as you come out of the young family phase, it is the not the only thing that signals love.He DOES love you, you want him to DESIRE you and I am sure he does but you are both tired.

 

Are you sure you are not projecting onto him how you feel about your weight gain? Maybe he truly does not mind. You are doing a good job losing the weight! Keep going! I bet when you feel better about yourself this won't be such a huge issue.

 

I would not say the spark is gone but it comes and goes in relationships and being in it together means to keep going when it is in an embers phase cause that does happen. Remember the movies are not real where people are wildly in love having crazy monkey sex for 70 years no matter what comes. Love rises and falls and has ebbs and highs and is fluid and changes, but it does not mean it is not real.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

First off, congratulations on the weight loss.

 

Over the last couple of years, I lost nearly 30 pounds by just changing my diet. Once you hit your personal goal, you will really feel a whole lot better. I know that I feel years younger now.

 

Anyway, speaking from a man's point of view, and a cop's point of view, thanks for being the wife of a police officer. I know that you and other cop's wives don't get enough credit for sharing your spouse with the worst society has to offer. I know that because I am in the fray, so to speak, and see how it affects families behind the badge.

 

Now, I also know about how you feel like you are roommates instead of lovers. Mortgages, babies, and other responsibilities weigh heavy on a husband's mind. I can almost guarantee you that if he is like me....and most cops that I know.....he worries constantly about you and the children and wants to provide the best that he can. That can consume a man and pull the focus away from being there for you romantically.

 

I see that he does his share with the house, is a good father, and treats you well. All of those are really good signs that he is focused on being a husband and father. In my opinion, you are ahead of the game in that aspect.

 

I do caution you to not let your worry about your weight transcend over to him. I was always the type of man that never cared about weight and sizes of the women I shared time with. My wife has remained slim but has had times when she was heavier than she would have liked to be. I can remember vividly times where she was very unhappy with her weight and that consumed her which, in turn, soured her desires for passionate love making.

 

Which was frustrating for me because if the two of us were looking at her nude reflection in a mirror, she would focus on her idea of the negatives while I would be ravenous for her. Absolutely spellbound by her curves and beauty, chomping at the bit to pleasure her.

 

See the difference? Now, which one of our emotions would end up "driving the bus"? Hers, of course.

 

I challenge the both of you to take an overnight trip, just the two of you, away from the mortgage, the children, the house, the responsibilities. Do like we did: we didn't even leave town. We booked a night at one of the nicest hotels in town, opted for the romance package (early check in/ late check out/ champange) and it was pure bliss.

 

We weren't in the door good before we were ravaging each other. Then, we went to dinner, returned for a romantic bath, champagne, followed by a shower, and then more passion.

 

We slept late still wrapped in each other's arms.

 

Try that. It may be an easy, low cost way to reconnect as lovers. What could it hurt by trying?

[wicked6018]

i think that this is just what happens when you have kids. so much time, focus, and energy has to go into the child. you are lucky that he is such a great father. i am sure that he loves you....he's probably just trying to balance work and fatherhood, and he is a new father, so give him a break. that is good that he said your weight doesn't matter to him, it shouldn't. you can keep working on losing the weight because it would probably make you feel better about yourself. As far as the intimacy goes, i just feel like men really aren't like the kinds of men you see in the movies, you know, perfect, always knowing what you want and giving it to you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. Just give it some time and see what happens, and good luck! : )

[Lester]

Hi Pc, Lost a stone..wow, good for you!

I agree with wicked...men are nothing like the movies. Some men, (like me), get overly focused.

 

It would be like you walking around all day looking through a paper towel tube. The more stress/challenges the smaller the tube.

 

Talk to him with this knowledge in mind. Tell/teach/remind him how to be romantic and it's importance.

Start with simple doable things;

- Honey, I love it when you listen to me.

- Honey I love how you looked into my eyes.

- I love it when stand next to me when others are present.

- Thanks for not correcting me. I love that about you.

- Honey I love it when you touched me there.

and so on.

 

This will help him to see the bigger picture.

 

If it wasn't for drinks I'm not sure there would be a human race.

[hexaemeron]

Welcome to married life. When you had a child, that child became the most important thing in both of your lives. Nothing stays the same. You want all the passion and the romance and the drama of courtship, but you freely admit he works hard, contributes at home AND is a good father. You can't have it all. And trying to have it all will eventually mean you end up with nothing because you will never ever feel satisfied that you have 95% of what you want.

 

Why not be thankful for that 95% and keep a better perspective of the 5% you don't have. Honestly, it could be so much worse.