Perceived as a stalker - ruined chance of even a friendship

[cally]

I have never felt like more of a failure or so low in my entire life.

 

I was involved with a woman for 2.5 years who has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. During that time she broke up with me 40+ only to want to reconcile again. The last six months of our relationship was particularly bad with the passing of her father. Once again, after a minor argument she broke up with me again. This was a week after I turned down a brilliant job to be with her because she didn't want me to go.

 

I have been confused by the breakup and conitnued to talk to her and go over her house to try for reconciliation and then to say that I would give her space and would wait for her while she works through her grief and depression. I said that during that time I would work on myself also. During the last fortnight I would promise not to contact her for a few months and then a few days later go and talk to her again. She didn't turn me away and still said that she loved and cared for me and told me how nice I smelt etc.

 

Well this all brings me to this weekend where I screwed up any chance of even a friendship. On Sunday I called her and got no answer. We live only 5 minutes apart so I drove over to her house and knocked on the door. I wasn't sure whether she heard me or not or whether she was asleep and waited around for about 15 minutes. I heard nothing and left thinking that she may be out. I came back half an hour later and she was just on her way out to look at real estate. I said that I would like to talk to her and she said that she would call me later to talk but that she was sick of talking about the relationship and that I would never understand. We both left. I went to a cafe that we both go to and when I walked in she was there. I sat down at her table and I said that I thought that she was looking at real estate and she said she was taking a break. She said I followed her there which I was quite upset about and said I had no idea that she would be there. Anyway she got up and then said not to visit her at her house anymore to which I agreed that I wouldn't.

 

Monday comes and I have a beauty appointment at the place that is directly underneath her apartment. I have been going there for as long as we have been together and have no intention of going anywhere else. As I walked there she walks past me as she is walking her dog and laughs and asks me why I am there. She understands that I have an appointment and we go our separate ways. I rang her when I got home and asked her to call me back not and told her it was not about reconciliation. I wanted to let her know that I would be there in the afternoon and not to get the wrong impression. In the afternoon I went to my appointment at the hairdressers there (I have a court hearing on Wednesday so wanted to look good - I am an employment lawyer) and she must have seen my car. She sent me a text message saying that I need to respect her need for space and to not contact her anymore. I replied that I had no intention of not respecting her space and had called that day to let her know that I had another appointment that afternoon and that I didn't want her to get the wrong impression.

 

I know that this looks like I am a stalker and I feel absolutely terrible about it. I don;t think I have ever felt so low in my life that someone who I love very much will now think that I am nothing more than a desperate, psycho stalker. I guess the chance of friendship or reconcialtion is completely out the window forever now. Any advice?

[Firiel]

You have been letting this woman control your life for far too long. So she got the idea that you were a stalker. So what? This is the woman who broke up with you over FORTY times, only to try to reconcile later. She has been leading you on and playing with your emotions for 2.5 years. Why would you even want to be friends with someone like that? Cut off all (intentional) contact, and move on. I know it will be difficult, but it will be best for you in the long run.

[Silverbirch]

Not necessarily. If she does indeed have BPD, she is just as likely to keep going backwards and forwards from you.

 

I do think you handled things pretty well though!

[rahulrocks]

Well she does not want you to be near her. The reason behind this is not that she thinks that you are a stalker or somthing like that. She must have understood your nature all these days.

The core reason might be that she is seeing some one else and because of this she does not want you around.

I think there is no point to continue this relationship. Just break it and tell her that she means nothing to you in this life now. Also stop caring what she thinks about you when you are near her apartment. Just do not confront her or talk to her. Dont give her any excuse to take legal actions against you.

Move on in life man, she is making silly excuses to leave you. Thats what she wants you to understand. If you have doubts in my words then get a detective check done on her, you will definitely find that she is seeing someone else.

[lavenderdove]

>>I replied that I had no intention of not respecting her space and had called that day to let her know that I had another appointment that afternoon and that I didn't want her to get the wrong impression.

 

She keeps telling you not to stop by her house and not to call her, yet you keep ringing her! Every time you call her or knock on her door that is not respecting her space. If you accidentally run into her, just turn and walk the other way, and don't text or call her at all.

 

And for the next while, just create a buffer zone around where she lives and take your business elsewhere. You can get coffee anywhere or get your hair cut anywhere, so don't frequent places she goes to. You need to have no contact at all with her for several months, and if she calls you first then fine, you can talk, but otherwise just respect her choice to not have contact and get on with your life.

[superfox]

Exactly what i was thinking tbh. You keep explaining yourself to her when she asks you to stay away.

I'd find another salon, it's not hard.

[cally]

Well, I really appreciate your comments and it has made me feel so much better. Firiel you are right, everyone has told me she has controlled me all this time. One of the traits of BPD is to twist things to make the non BPD look like the one to blame and the bad guy and I have believed it for a long time. It is hard to get out of that fog.

 

I don't believe she is seeing someone else at this point in time Rahulrocks as each time I have come over she has let me in the house and has been quite welcoming. Surely if she was seeing someone else she wouldn;pt let me in the house.

[cally]

Exactly what i was thinking tbh. You keep explaining yourself to her when she asks you to stay away.

I'd find another salon, it's not hard.

 

Thanks Lavenderdove and Superfox. I do understand that. However the mixed messages were confusing. I certainly will not be conacting her from now on.

 

I won't be finding a new salon however and I have made that clear to her. I have always gone there and I don't see why I shouldn't continue. This woman has screwed me around emotionally for 2.5 years however I do take responsibility that I have let her.

[Firiel]

Also, considering the fact that she has broken up with you 40 times, she really has no right to expect you to somehow just KNOW that this time she means it for real. Do stop contacting her, as per her request, and avoid places she might be as much as you can just for your own sake. But while you may have been foolish (or rude, at worst) to continue contacting her, her reaction to break-ups in the past has certainly bred this type of "take me back" mentality in you, so you really aren't completely to blame in thinking that continuing contact would be a good thing.

[dali]

dude! you honestly need to take a step back and try and take some time away from this women, coincidence or not your perceived as stalker by this women. I have to say your actions are kind of inappropriate for some not together, no matter how good your intentions are.

[cally]

Also, considering the fact that she has broken up with you 40 times, she really has no right to expect you to somehow just KNOW that this time she means it for real. Do stop contacting her, as per her request, and avoid places she might be as much as you can just for your own sake. But while you may have been foolish (or rude, at worst) to continue contacting her, her reaction to break-ups in the past has certainly bred this type of "take me back" mentality in you, so you really aren't completely to blame in thinking that continuing contact would be a good thing.

 

Yes Firiel, my point exactly. The times that I have been to her place she has been welcoming and quite affectionate. It depends on the day as to what person you will get however, enoughis enough, I certainly don't want to be perceived as a stalker and I need to walk away with whatever dignity I have left and let it go.

[cally]

dude! you honestly need to take a step back and try and take some time away from this women, coincidence or not your perceived as stalker by this women. I have to say your actions are kind of inappropriate for some not together, no matter how good your intentions are.

 

Dali, thanks for your advice. Yes, I intend to take a very large step back which is difficult but probably the sanest and bet thing for me to move forward and actually grow, recover and learn from this experience.

 

I feel that my going over to her house has been inappropriate however the rest has been legitimate. She is entitled to her space and I will respect that.

[nikkinikki143]

Cally I feel for you, I'm also envolved with someone that has BPD. Hun its time to let go. Whether she comes back or not is irrelivant, she's treating u like ish and its time to move on and say goodbye. do not call her...go NC AND STAY THAT WAY! This isn't healthy and deep down u know its never gonna stop. Best of luck, if u need a friend to talk I'm here. BPD is hard to deal with.

[cally]

Cally I feel for you, I'm also envolved with someone that has BPD. Hun its time to let go. Whether she comes back or not is irrelivant, she's treating u like ish and its time to move on and say goodbye. do not call her...go NC AND STAY THAT WAY! This isn't healthy and deep down u know its never gonna stop. Best of luck, if u need a friend to talk I'm here. BPD is hard to deal with.

 

Nikki, thank you for your compassion and understanding. Deep down I do know that she will not change and it won't stop as she thinks that I am the problem and not her. When I told her that professionals I have spoken to said that she shows the traits of someone with BPD she just completely disregarded it and didn't look into it any further. If someone had told me something like that I would be looking on the internet to see if there was any truth to it but nothing!!!

 

Are you still with your BPD?