She says she feels guilty for ending the relationship...

[6yeardumped]

Hi all!

 

My story: Almost 6years together (started when she was 23 - virgin, coming from a very conservative family-, I was 25). We lived together for 3 years, no problems, but I moved to another country for professional reasons, so long distance for the last 20 months. She broke up claiming the distance was the problem. I came back to her country 3 weeks after BU, tried to reconcile in a non-hysterial non begging way, when she informed me that she had already hooked up once with a guy from her work (just kissing, no sex).

 

We met 3 more times over the period of 1 month (the last one exactly after 3 weeks of NC and she broke it due to my bday - the last one was 2 nights ago).

 

In the 1st meeting after my return to her country/city, she cried when I surprised her by saying "IM BACK!". Then, after some talk about this change in our lives, etc, and after I made some pressure, she said that she had kissed the guy from work and she didnt want to, it just happened (during that whole afternoon a lot more was said, but nothing relevant for now).

 

One week later, in the second meeting there was no begging, some crying (not me, just her), and she gave me a lot of mixed signals (saying that she wants to fight for me, and then that she would like to see me with another girl to know what she felt for me, saying that she wanted to meet other people and saying that she was confused). I was devastated after this meeting. I had NO IDEA what was going on in her head, and I thought she was just not being honest with me. I went NIC and left the door open for her to contact me for whatever.

 

After that, NC for 3 weeks - she broke it by texting me on my bday wishing me an happy bday, saying that she "wanted to know about me" and asking me permission to call later that day - which she did, and we talked calmly (I was a bit dry, and ended the conversation).

 

Last meeting was 2 days ago, after a random encounter in the street the day before where I couldnt keep my mouth shut and invited her for a coffee this weekend.

 

We grabbed dinner the day after, and I started talking about the relationship (I know I shouldnt have!!!! I cant change the past now , but at least I got some relevant information/closure during this dinner...).

 

A lot was said during and after dinner, but the main conclusions or closure I got were:

 

- She admitted to be confused and messed up (said she is thinking of going to therapy); btw, I am doing therapy for 1 month now.

- She admited that she has communication problems.

- During the 3 week NC she hooked up with the same guy again (no sex, just making out). She denied to be pursuing a relationship with him, although he seems to be. She said she wants to be alone and not start a relationship at this moment.

- The most interesting thing (imo) she said while crying histerically was: "she felt guilty for ending the relationship", and that she doesnt know what to do with her life, nor what she wants right now.

 

I told her that she shouldnt feel guilty, these things happen, that´s life, she is young, never had another man, she is curious, its only normal,, she has to forgive herself and forgive others (me), etc etc..

 

I then asked her "why guilty? you did what you had to do and now we are in the process of moving on and growing".

 

She said: " I dont know why, I just feel guilty for BU!"

 

I said: "But Why? Because I relocatted to your country? Because I still love you and you know I want to get back together?"

 

She said: "I dont know...I have no idea!" (crying the whole time)

 

Well, she is REALLY confused, REALLY messed up, but that doesnt hold her from hooking up with the other guy and spending a LOT of time with her colleagues from work on weekends and evenings (where I can only imagine that the GIGs guy is also present). She didnt use to go out so much..she used to be a very "home" girl...

 

So, classic GIGS it seems to me... Or maybe even rebound relationship if it turns into something more in the future than just hooking up...

 

I am now in full NC, despite telling her when dropping her at her doorstep 2 nights ago that it would be cool to have a "last coffee" without serious conversations, just to have fun and enjoy the company of each other in a few weeks (saying that either one of us could schedule it).

 

I wont schedule it. And if she does, I probably will not accept it or postpone it, depending on how long it has passed and how far I am in my healing.

 

So, 2questions:

 

1. Does it look GIGS to you guys?

2. I know she is really messed up and confused, but why could she be feeling guilty?

 

I am not using this info for hope or reconcile, cos I dont want that now. I want her to grow and I want to get on with my life, and the future? We will see...now I want to meet other women, work on myself and have fun.

 

Finally, not a question, but just a need for reaffirmation - NC is the ONLY way to go for me right?

 

I am doing NIC mainly for my healing and getting over her, and who knows what is going to happen in some months/years an eventual new relation, if all the circumstances are aligned (she growing up, me falling in love with her new way of being, both being single, etc etc...)...

 

I left the door open for her to call me, because I dont like to push people away from me in an aggressive way, and I know that I am mature enough to deal with any contact she might make, without going back on my healing process.

 

Since we broke on good terms, and I left the door open for mutual contact (which I wont initiate), my sister (who knows my exgf very well and has a very good insight on these kind of situations) told me that it might take her some months maybe even more than 1 year, but she will try to approach me, and maybe even reconcile.

 

My sister justifies this with the following reasons:

- she will miss me due to NC or LC (never initiated by me, at least for a few months now...until I heal),

- she will eventually grow out of the GIGS phase and get some perspective on everything, (either by seeing that the grass aint that green, or comparing, or whatever).

- we had a 6 year relationship which she admitted that she will never forget (alogn with the fact that I was her 1st and only for 6 years)

- deep inside, she might be going through a phase or simply growing, but her core self will still be "prude" and slightly conservative (in our last meeting she still criticized one of her roommates for sleeping around despite still loving her exbf).

 

Anyone agrees with my sister´s perception?

 

Well, as I said, I am moving on, slowly, and I will most definitely move on in a few months - as I didafter my previous BU 7 years ago...it took me 5 months to heal and forget her, and then 7 more months just living the single life until finding the "next one"...the one that just dumped me... hehe

 

Well, thanks 4 reading and for any input!!!

 

Cheers!

[hausser]

1st question - GIGS. yes she sound as if she wants to go out and have "fun" to be honest. Completely natural. What are her friends like?

2nd Question - she is feeling guilty because, similar to mine, she is probably being messed around by other men. When this happens they feel bad then think back to you. Same happened to me on the weekend. Feeling guilty however, is not the same as wanting a recon.

 

NC will help greatly man, it will put things in perspective for you. It builds up a protective layer every day, little by little until you can see her and the relationship for what it really was.

 

You will spend a great deal of time analysing everything over the next few days/weeks. This is a good thing and it will fade as NC goes into the 2nd week stage. remember to judge a person on their actions not their words.

 

Hmm...it's obvious you still really want her back man, and that's not an attractive mindset to be in for a recon to happen, ironically. She could well come back but for god's sake don't initiate any more contact. One thing that concerns me is you saying over and over "she didn't have sex with him" etc. Dude, all due respect at the age of 29 she probably did, and quite frankly if she's not with you it aint really any of your business. Stop pressuring her to tell you that (if you are) because that does not look very appealing.

 

It sounds to me frankly like she just a bit bored.

[6yeardumped]

1. Friends - the roommates are ok (except one)...They are mature despite of their young age (23 to 27), except one who has just had her bf BU, and she is completely messed up, sleeping around A LOT, partying every night, lost her job, etc. The "other friends" are work colleagues, the one she hangs out more with lately. I do not know them, because my exgf changed her job 6 months before the BU. They might have helped her process of "getting out of the nest"...the nest was our relationship, where she never wanted to go out, etc etc...not because I made her, but because she didnt want to (as she admitted 2 nights ago).

 

2. The guilt - Yeah, you could be right...being messed around by other men could be one of the reasons for her guilt... But I dont believe that that is the only reason. Not only being messed up, but also acting on it, cos she has already hooked up with that guy more than once... And I know she feels bad when she thinks about me in the aftermath. Cos, between other reasons (feelings she still has for me, and the "core" prudish self within her...), she knows I am not "hooking up" with other women just to relief my pain. I had a rebound relationship after my previous relationship, and that rebound ended up bad... And I told my current ex that: I will not hook up with anyone until I am completely over you, cos I did that before, and I regreted it due to the pain caused upon the other girl and myself.

 

What I said to my ex and what I'll do can be 2 completely different things... For now, I have no desire for other women, but I am not staying at home. I am getting to know a lot of people lately, and maybe someday someone will cath my eye... for whatever...maybe a random hookup, maybe something more...Live life with no expectations in that department if funnier and more intense in my opinion!

 

 

I know NC will help. In my previous relationship we went NC for 1 year, she came back, we reapproached, and just had sex for a few months. I was 24, and I hadnt matured anything after that BU. But NC made her come back anyway...

 

As for the protective layer, I alreadu feel it now...And seeing the relationship as it really was is also a path that I have already taking. Not all was good. The fact that I could deal with the distance for 20 months "better" than she did says a lot I guess...

 

I am actually fed up of analysing and overanalysing everything. I just want to get to the end of this asap. I know I need to go through all this, but its really tiring, and deviates my focus from other stuff, like my job, and it also bothers my relation with some of my friends and family members, cause I keep calling them to talk and ask for their help to analyse and help me understand the whole situation. They help me a lot, but I am also aware that I stretch their limits to the max when it comes to their time...

 

As for judging my exgd for her actions not her words...Well, if I had gotten the idea that her actions have been made in a clean state of mind, I would be really angry!!! REALLY!. Lol! But I´m not. I just came from my counselor and told him all about the meeting 2 nights ago. He agreed that my exgf is completely messed up right now, and that she needs to travel this path on her own. Either ignoring the issues she has right now partying and sleeping randomly, or deal with those issues analysing what just happened in her life and drawing her own conclusions that will certainly help her to grow. She can actually do both things, but not at the same time. And the most important thing of it all, is that I cannot be in her life while she does that.

 

So, my counselor told me not to judge just what she does or says, but to look to the mixture of both, and draw my own conclusions from both!

 

And my conclusions are: she has jsut got her personal freedom for the 1st time in her life when she BU with me (because when she lived with her parents she was being repressed by them, and when she came to live with me, she repressed her own fantasies and desires of "trying" other men, given that she was in a commited relationship).

 

Next step after BU: euphoria and compensating years of repressed fantasies, enjoying that "freedom" up to a certain level, where her moral standards will still kick in and "limit" her actions.

 

And as for me: I obviously still want her back. But I also know that I cannot have her. If she would approach me next week saying that she wants to come back, I dont know how I would react. I do know that I couldnt take her immediately. She would have to talk a lot and explain to me what happened and basically show me that she matured. Which obviously aint gonna happen. And obviously that she aint gonna come back any time soon.

 

And I told her that 2 nights ago: our relationship ended, and despite the fact that I still love her, I know that right now WE cannot be together, because she is travelling through a path that I cannot follow, that I cannot be there with her (a growing journey). And I only told her that she should travel that path, but that the decision of doing it its her own, and only her can decide which direction to give to her life in the upcoming weeks/months.

 

As for my mindset. I am just aching inside right now. But she only suspects it. She has no proof of my suffering since I almost did not cry next to her. We have now no common friends (because almost all the friends I had in the city I came back to are now "supporting her", and I havent approach them). And I have been rather "cold" and analytical when talking about the relationship with her. And mostly, I have kept "mobile, sms, email and facebook" silence from day 1 after BU. So, yeah, she know I am in pain and that I want her back. She doesnt know HOW MUCH I'm suffering, and how much I would like to get her back one day.

 

I will not initiate contact anymore. For as long as it takes.

 

I said that she hasnt had sex with him because that was a big thing for me. The fact that she was "innocent". That was one of the things I only found out AFTER dating her for 2 months, but that when I found out it made me look into her even with more love and affection. I know now that the fact that she was a virgin before getting together with me played a big role in this BU. Such is life...

 

I said that she hasnt had sex (yet) with the other guy because thats what she told me 2 nights ago. And I do believe her. Despite being 29, as I said, she lived in a cocoon all her life (the one created by her parents and the one she created herself when dating me). She repressed so many sexual thoughts and fantasies, mainly when we were long distance, that at a certain point (a few weeks/months before the BU), when the other guy from work kept hitting on her, she couldnt take it anymore. So, she was sooooo repressed, and she is now soooooo confused (both with the BU as with her own feelings of repression and compensation), that I see no reason for her to lie to me about that issue.

 

But in the end, that is irrelevant for me. Because she WILL have sex with him. She might even have sex with other guys after that one. Or maybe not. But in one hand, I dont care (like you said, aint none of my business), on the other hand, I really hope she does have sex with the other guy.

 

Why? Because she needs to. She needs to experience more things and grow up. She needs to get out of her mental cocoon. And once she does, she might look back and remember us. And if she does, she will most likely try to reapproach me (because of the 6 years, clean BU, mature action on my side, etc).

 

And then we will see what happens. What happens will depend on my situation. Where I am mentally towards this relation and her actions. How much I have grown. What experiences I had in the meantime. What experience I might be living at that moment. And so on...

 

So, the only thing I can do: LIVE! Get on with my life, keeping the memory of our relationship in a very special place in my head, and move on! And I am actually eager for that. I am aware that this all goes slowly. I am now still aching a lot from our meeting 2 nights ago. Next week I will be better. In 1 month I will be much better. According to my counselor, in 3 months I will be in a completely different state of mind towards this situation that I am right now. And most certainly a better one!!

 

I cant wait for October...

 

PS - As for the fact if she is bored or not, I do not know. And if she is, she could be bored with so many things: me, our relationship, her life, her job, her mental patterns of repression, whatever... I do not know, and I cannot bother with that. It's her life now. There's nothing I can do to help her on that subject...

[hausser]

Dude am going out for a bit, will read properly when I get back!

[hausser]

Ah man I feel for you it is tough. Have you initiated NC yet? Blocked her on FB or at least removed her from your friends?

[6yeardumped]

Ah man I feel for you it is tough. Have you initiated NC yet? Blocked her on FB or at least removed her from your friends?

 

Hi hausser!

 

For me, NC means really NC!

 

I am not 20 anymore, so I know that NC is best for me and for "us" as en ex-couple.

 

I know that NC will be very positive in the future, mainly because I saw from her reactions during our last meeting that she is VERY confused and emotional right now. She is as messed up as I am ... or maybe even worst, because she is not seeking any help or advice...she is just "having fun" with friends and co-workers. I am working on myself slowly...

 

Even though she is hooking up with the other guy, this is her way now of coping with the mixed feelings and strong emotional stress she has to deal now on a regular basis. She told me that when she went on holidays to our homecountry 2 weeks ago she was crying the whole time, feeling confused and guilty for BU...

 

And any contact we could be having now would be harmful for me and for her.

 

And one must also keep in mind the basic psycological thing: NC will make her wonder where I am, what I'm doing etc etc... Nobody rips the memories of 6 years of their brain just like that. So I have to giver her time to grow up, straighten her head, and miss me...and she will miss me for sure (good relationship, clean BU, etc).

 

At the same time, and most importantly, NC will give me time to straighten my head, get my life back, and work on myself over the next few months. I will obviously never forget her, and most likely have strong feelings for her for a long time, but I will not dwell on those feelings. I will move on with my life.

 

No doubt that NC for now and in the next months is going to be the best thing for me also because I am also very emotional, I am now starting a whole new life after 6 years of being with her, I am at a new city, new job, little or no friends nearby, etc etc.

 

So, if I dwell on my feelings for her and on my sadness due to the BU right now, I will never get my life back.

 

That is my main goal now: get my life back. Enjoying being single. Healing. Continuing therapy. Prove myself in my new job. Make more friends and reconnect with some from the past. Having a different kind of fun than the one I had over the last 6 years.

 

And before even thinking on an eventual reconciliation, I need to get my life back. Once I do, I will have the opportunity to see if I still want her in my life or not. And if I decide that I do want ber back in my life, I then have the shot of trying to approach her (if she hasnt done the same before) and just let things flow naturally...a friendship, a new relationship, or even nothing...Anything can happen!

 

I can only foresee and control my near future, and the main guideline I now follow is NC.

 

I will be doing no FB blocking nor unfriending. Since this was a clean BU, I need not to take drastic measures that might induce her to the feeling that I am angry or resentful or whatever...That is how I felt over the last 2 months cos I had no closure. I coped with that anger and other negative feelings by writing more than 300 pages of letters "addressed" to her... (never sent and ultimatelty they will be burnt...some I have given to my counselor, so that he can help me understand a little bit more about myself and my way of coping with a BU and the feeling of abandonment). Btw, my ex told me last time we met that she was VERY ANGRY with me for not communicating properly about the steps that I was indeed taking to come back to live with her before the actual BU. I found it funny that she said that, cos is just one proof more of how uncontrolled her mind is right now.

 

But given that I got the closure I needed during our last meeting, so I am now seeing things better, and having almost no negative feelings towards her decision. I now see that her BU decision was a very "emotional" one, taken at a moment of her life where she is unbalanced and her head is completely messed up. And for that, I do not want to shut any doors (as she hasnt either, probably for different reasons).

 

I am not checking her FB profile constantly anymore (I did over the last 4 weeks or so, but I stopped doing it so frequently over the last 3 days (after getting closure), and I will be reducing even more...naturally, this will happen up to the point where I just wont check her FB profile anymore (according to my therapist, and also according to my previous relationship BU behavioural pattern).

 

The same for Whatsapp, where I used to check her "online status" every hour or so... Yesterday I checked it twice, and today none...

 

Time to heal and having a lot of self-awareness...that's what I need and what I am getting nowadays!

 

Thanks for reading!