she slept with someone else

[bitteorca]

Wow, I'm back, and this time not trying to get over things with an ex, but dealing with cheating. well its not technically cheating, but in my head it may as well be the same...

 

To cut a long story short, I split up with her by text. I was drunk and I'm notoriously an idiot when drunk. I didn't hear back from her at all, which I thought I would (I know that's a stupid game to play, but I'm an idiot when I'm drunk). It basically turned out that she slept with someone that night whilst she was drunk. Someone she knows as well. not a stranger. But she says she doesn't like him, couldn't see herself with him, etc. But why would you do it then?! I still haven't got an explanation of what was going round in her head. I asked her whether she thought of me during any of it, and she said yes. And what seems so strange is that she was thinking that she'd miss me so much. I get the impression, although not concrete, that she did it just to feel close to someone because she knew she would miss me so much.

 

Not just a quick kiss, that I could understand. But she kissed him a few times, and she went back to his house. She was really drunk, but I think she still knew what she was doing. She can't explain why she did it, I don't think she even knows, but she wants me back, and says she can't live without me etc, and is visibly torn up about it: feels disgusted with herself, feels like a * * * * , can't eat anything, etc. Says that she's willing to do ANYTHING for us to work. I just don't know.

 

The thing that bothers me the most is that it was an all night thing. It wasn't just a quick kiss, and then she felt guilty. I could understand that, seeing as I was a complete idiot with her and sent her a splitting up text. But it was unfolding all night. It was cold hearted, and callous. I have images of her kissing him all night, laughing and flirting with him, and then obviously the biggest thing, sleeping with him. Although the little consolation I have is that she stopped it after a minute because she realised. But whoopdeedoo. But the biggest thing bothering me is that this was a process, that she should have realised at some point what she was doing. But she didn't

 

I suppose this isn't a question. I suppose there's no right or wrong, and I'm the only one to decide how I take it from here, I'm going to need a massive think about things. I suppose I just feel like I need support. I couldn't face work today. I think I may go to the doctors and see whether some support is available.

[LP90]

do yourself a HUGE favor and save yourself A LOT of pain. Go full NC. I went through something similar. She cheated on me, strung me along, lied to me, etc. After everything she begged and pleaded for forgiveness, and cried. I asked why she did it then if she claimed she loved me so much. She said she didnt know why, couldnt explain it etc. Long story short, i gave her that second chance out of stupidity. What did she do? Afetr a week of needing to think about "things", she decided its better to move on from me, all the while she was saying ,she will never love anyone like me, her heart belongs to me, we will be together forever, it was a one time mistake, etc etc. In the end she still left me for her "friend" as she called him. All i was left with was a shattered heart and still dealing with it.

 

If she herself cant explain why she did it, let that be a clear indicator she cant control her own feelings and emotions. If she couldnt control it then and explain it, she will most likely do it again for the same reasons. She might not know, but subconsciously she must have checked out of the relationship a while ago. If she was set on never doing anything like cheating, she wouldnt have. It means that she already saw it in her head that you broke up and she found someone else. It must have played out in her head before doing it, which again just shows the feelings arent the same as they used to be.

 

It doesnt matter if it was a quick kiss or sex, the point is, she was able to engage in the acts without having to think about your relationship, your feelings, the consequences and so on. Trust me, i just went through all this, there is no pain worse than her manipulating you into staying with her because she cant let you go. Go NC and see what she does. My ex had no problem staying NC till a few days ago after almost a month. Which shows she was able to move on even though she said otherwise. In addition, really ask yourself and be honest, is she really the type of person you would want to be with knowing she could do something like this again? or even in the first place?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I split up with her by text. I was drunk and I'm notoriously an idiot when drunk.

 

If you are a "notorious idiot" while drunk...then why can't she be a "notorious idiot" while drunk. There must have been some reason that propelled you to just send off a text to break up with her. It didn't just come out of the blue. What led up to this drunken break up text. Have you done this to her before?

[BrokenSmile]

^I would agree (with LP90), except it looks like the OP broke up with her before she slept with someone else, so in my opinion, I don't think it was cheating. I can still see how it would be really painful and upsetting. It seems like you both lose control over your actions when drinking.. Maybe I missed it but why did you end things with her by text when you were drunk?

[bitteorca]

Basically what happened was that I over-reacted to one of her exes commenting on her status on FB. We had a little tiff on facebook, but nothing major. Then I tried to call her and she hung up on me a few times before answering, and said she was with people and it was rude to answer the phone, and then kind of cut it short and said something like 'I'm going to go now so bye'

 

I was livid, and my drunken self thought it would teach her a lesson. I'm not that petty when sober, but obviously am when I'm drunk. Boy was I wrong

[abouttime]

You were not wrong. She friended and ex. So you got pissed. She ignored you and was disrespectful to your concerns. Ok you were drunk. I would have felt the same way. Then after all this. She screws some guy. She was drunk, so what. She is a skank. Dump her.

[Huntress0527]

Basically what happened was that I over-reacted to one of her exes commenting on her status on FB. We had a little tiff on facebook, but nothing major. Then I tried to call her and she hung up on me a few times before answering, and said she was with people and it was rude to answer the phone, and then kind of cut it short and said something like 'I'm going to go now so bye'

 

I was livid, and my drunken self thought it would teach her a lesson. I'm not that petty when sober, but obviously am when I'm drunk. Boy was I wrong

 

Trying to teach someone a lesson is wrong. You basically played a game and it backfired. I don't think this is cheating but most definitely questionable behavior. This relationship is beyond repair. I would move on and take this as a learning experience.

[Calvin68]

If you are a "notorious idiot" while drunk...then why can't she be a "notorious idiot" while drunk. There must have been some reason that propelled you to just send off a text to break up with her. It didn't just come out of the blue. What led up to this drunken break up text. Have you done this to her before?

 

Sending an angry text and boffing some guy all night are pretty different. She has sex the very night they broke up. She was much more than an idiot.

[lalalollipops]

Yeah you guys both need to grow up and control that drinking...

Your ex is a sl-, though you're not completely free from blame yourself.

[jumper11]

I think breaking up with someone, drunk or not, is a big deal. It's not to teach a lesson. You are cutting and breaking a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, maybe what she did wasn't the smartest move on her end, but she was allowed to - you left her - you weren't together. Period. End of story. We all do stupid things after someone leaves us. Sure, I didn't do what she did, but still acted crazy.

 

Cut out the drinking. And learn breaking up with someone has consequences! Once you break up you no longer have any rights/or play a role in her decision making and behaviour and body.

[tresqua]

She was gone before you sent that drunk text.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, however as others have suggested, the out of control drinking might have had a lot to do with the demise of the relationship and you need to address it.

[capilot]

^I would agree (with LP90), except it looks like the OP broke up with her before she slept with someone else, so in my opinion, I don't think it was cheating. I can still see how it would be really painful and upsetting. It seems like you both lose control over your actions when drinking.. Maybe I missed it but why did you end things with her by text when you were drunk?

 

Agreed. OP and his girlfriend need to sober up before they try to go back to dating each other.

[Longview01]

This is a perfect example of why booze and playing stupid mind games will never work

[bitteorca]

She was gone before you sent that drunk text.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, however as others have suggested, the out of control drinking might have had a lot to do with the demise of the relationship and you need to address it.

 

I don't think you can say that so easily. Since this post, we have talked, and although we're not back together, she has begged for me back, admits it was a huge mistake that would never happen again, and is willing to do anything to make it work. Although obviously actions speak louder than words.

 

Saying that she was gone before I sent that text is a bit presumptuous! There were no signs of that. I even asked her whether she thought the relationship was going downhill before that, and she said no. It was obviously just a huge mistake. I'm not saying that makes her actions ok, or that things between us will be ok, but I do believe it was a stupid and drunk mistake. The spark of which was my own doing. She obviously has a lot of making up to do if I can even consider her back.

 

And yeah, alcohol is such a stupid thing. I'm not blaming this, but, alcohol abuse in the UK and for my age group is just the done thing. sad I know

[tresqua]

I don't think you can say that so easily...Saying that she was gone before I sent that text is a bit presumptuous!/QUOTE]

 

Never mind. I misread your original post on this thread, and I first thought that you sent that drunken text because she slept with some guy.

 

Yeah, you broke up with her and that probably drove her to doing it sort of out of retribution. As others have said, when you play, sometimes you pay. What she did isn't cheating at all, it appears to be in direct response to the breakup text and while you can maybe take issue with her judgement and the speed in which she had sex with another guy, there's not much else you can say about it. You are better off dropping it because to bring it up again going forward is only going to cause both of you grief, but I'll be damned if I could go back with a woman who slept with another guy that fast even in such circumstances. She's either a * * * * or she's really into this guy and either possibility doesn't bode well for you

[bitteorca]

I'm not sure whether you can just call her a sl*t after one mistake. She's not into the guy either, trust me I've cleared that off with her. Truth is she has some issues she needs to work on. She was really upset about me, this guy pounced when she was weak and upset and drunk, and she kissed him and slept with him. She basically said, without going into massive detail, that she wanted to feel loved. This guy obviously knew how to play on that. Not that I'm blaming him or making excuses for her actions. When they actually stopped it mid sex, he actually said to her that he know she loves me and what they did was wrong, and that she should work it out with me. Again, not making excuses for her actions. And it really is questionable behaviour, but I really do think it was just a really big mistake. She doesn't go whoring herself around usually

[tresqua]

She doesn't go whoring herself around usually

 

Define "usually". If it's a pattern, then it's a problem.

 

Tough spot to be in. She slept with another guy, no way you're going to just forget that, and you could easily blame yourself since your text is what not only set her off but broke the bond of exclusivity if even for only 24 hours.

[bitteorca]

Define "usually". If it's a pattern, then it's a problem.

 

True, obviously if it became a pattern I'd be out like a shot. I don't want a wh*re gf, of course not.

 

Tough situation indeed. I'll have to see how it pans out...