oh happy day.

[nsomnia912]

Well here is an update of the roller coaster I call my life, as some know and have been very supportive thanks and loves.. my breakup was end of April...she was with a new guy full on 2 weeks after.. 3yrs together

Left me in ruins....

 

So its been about 50 days of nc...

 

The first 30 days I was a mess...drinking everyday, calling into work, fb stalking, I had a few one night stands...my smoking habit doubled and I didnt eat... I just was determined to exile myself into oblivion...

 

One of the one fighters I hang out with..no sex I told her I wasnt ready, and was emotionally all over. She understood....

 

The other wrote me off completely...

 

Towards day 20 I met another girl, she was amazing in every way... And of course she was married... We still talked though we really developed a bond...a connection...it was unlike anything I have ever felt....she was unhappy in her marriage...very unhappy...well needless to say we used each other as emotional outlets, 4k combined texts after a month....we both had developed feelings...she said she had feelings...feelings she has never had before...I will admit I had them as well...

 

We met up one night late night and we talked about how we felt.....we kissed.. god it was so magical...

 

Tonight I told her I wanted to end contact..

We are having an emotional affair.

I wanted to be with her so much

She was ambivalent with her marriage.

I told her that I didn't want things to go any further because I don't want her to do something and feel guilty and lose her self respect.....and I could not fall for someone in hopes one day she divorced...which may never come.

 

She was quite sad..crying...she understood though.....

 

I have been here thinking about my past history. And it dawned on me that every woman I have ever loved has been unavailable.... They are either with someone and I steal them away, married, or they are emotionally unavailable....

 

I have never pursued a single woman, who was actually single...

 

I'm down tonight....I have only myself again.

Which I'm kinda ok with.

I'm finally over my ex...married woman got me through it...

 

Married woman....It just sucks! Plain and simple....she was everything I wanted and more..and vice versa.....we both had a feeling of belonging.....but that's life....and I had to do the right thing....I should have never of let it go that far to begin with.

 

One night girl...knows I don't want a relationship, she just wants to hang out and be fwb.....I don't really want that....

 

Off love and onto myself....yes I have been working on myself...

 

Lots of reading

Working out

Eating better diet

I restrict my Drinking to 1 drink in the evening.

My smoking is still ridiculous

I meditate daily....walking meditation if I'm at work I do laps.

My credit is finally cleared of all collections and negatives.

Made at least 10 new friends...

Since it has been known I'm single, ladies come out of the woodwork....and everyone wants to fix me up....its annoying

 

I have spent a lot of time with my mom...gave her my tv.

Buy and cook dinner for her

We hang out and watch movies

 

Donated my xbox to a good family

I plan on anonymously donating 200.00 to one of the struggling churches in town...I need to pick one.

 

I'm so neutral right now....to be honest...I don't really know how to feel...

 

Can I feel heartfelt sadness for a woman I've known for over a month?

Was it just emotional dependence?

 

Feel rejected by the one lighter than said screw off..

 

Should I hate my ex? I really don't care for her anymore...not even the slightest bit of love.... She left for another guy.....dead in the water in my book.

 

I feel like a robot right now....I just feel like the emotion has just shut off completely...I do force myself to smile to remind me that all is well and I should be happy for what I do have..

 

As always feel free to comment...I'm just getting things out..

 

My biggest concern I do have though is this predilection with unavailable women... I didn't even realize it till today....4 hot single ladies ....yet ill flirt with the taken one

 

Is it the wanting what you can't have?

Is it easier because there's nothing to lose?

Nothing to expect? My conversations are always perfect thats how we click and get together

With single women, there's a chance...omg "this could happen" and I freak out, have nothing to say or I just become ignorant.

 

Any insights on my preferences would be helpful..

 

Happy 4th ENA!

[pietro5266]

I think any of the reasons you gave is possible. I think the last one reason is especially important. Apparently, many fall into some kind of pattern like this, and it's supposed to be based upon our relationships with our parents. (Isn't everything? )

 

For me, I always fall in love with women that need to be "rescued", that I can run in there and be THE HERO, and she'll love and adore me because I've SAVED HER. Coming to this understanding of myself is a huge step of progress -- even though I'm still not "cured". As far as the pattern of "wanting what you can't have",

 

You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, though. Just because she was married doesn't mean you didn't have a connection. And, still, you did the right thing by calling it quits with her as long as she remains married. It certainly could have been emotional dependence -- only you can judge that. It's been very difficult for me to make this distinction in my own relationships.

 

One thing I've also learned about myself through this experience is that I'm not really interested in fwb anymore, like what you said. I would have been OK with that in the past, but, after my last relationship, it just doesn't really seem worth it anymore.

 

I too have lost much of my interest in my ex, after 3 weeks. She's become very unimportant. I still miss her, but it's no longer a life or death thing. But, different from you, my emotions are all alive. I think I'd bottled everything up in the past, and this past relationship let them all out. So now, I feel everything -- good and bad, as you can imagine. Becoming "robotic" is a defense mechanism, and can help you get through a time like this. It's only a problem if it isn't temporary.

 

Sorry for the rambling response -- it's late, and my mind is in a rambling sort of state.