Got a text from the dumper

[Mellie]

Yeah, I see your point. I'm all for positive thinking, but I think maybe if you get too cocky you could be setting yourself up for a fall. If you have "faith" that you're going to get that person back, this would imply that you're focussing your attention on that, whereas I think it's better to take the focus away from it completely. They've broken up with you because they've decided they don't want to be with you anymore. That sucks, but I don't believe you can do much about it. Would you want to? I mean you are who you are - do you want to change? If you need to change (alcoholic, abusive etc) then that's one thing. But if they don't love you for you, through the rough and the smooth, what's the point? I don't think trying to regain the "old you" is the answer. If you think about it, it's impossible anyway. Human beings are dynamic, we're constantly changing, but I think we do have core elements. If they don't like those then you obviously aren't their cup of tea.

 

Now if, given space, they do decide that they made a mistake, you can cross that bridge if you come to it, or indeed, if it comes to you. But the key is in them making their own mind up. I don't believe in being proactive in circumstances like these generally, it doesn't tend to bring about the desired result, only pushing them in the opposite direction (generally - though of course there are exceptions). Now if they do start putting the feelers out, as in this case where surely she is, you can deal with that if it happens. You are going to be emotionally invested in the outcome - it's impossible not to be - but the road that has seemed to work for me in the past is to try to detatch myself as much as possible by bringing new things in my life - thereby gaining confidence as a NEW person, not focussing on the person I was at the start of the relationship. And oftentimes that will lead you away from them anyway. And sometimes you look back and realise it was no bad thing.

[ngu11]

You've got a lot of knowledge from experience it seems Mellie and your insights are extremely helpful to those that are lost. I think I am trying to say something very similar to your points. The only difference is, i believe it's very hard for a lot of people going through BU pain to be able to detach so easily. So yeah, if one is to approach the situation with balance i.e. intention of reconciliation but preparation for it never happening. Surely that person is in an equally strong position as someone who can detach? Maybe even stronger as they have given themselves the opportunity to honestly follow their heart with strength and confidence rather than burying those emotions deep down. I dunno, I just believe that the only impossible things in life are the things we believe to be impossible. Don't let other peoples understanding of impossibility influence your own beliefs.

 

Here are a few past "facts": 500 years ago, the world was flat, just over a hundred years ago, man would never take to the skies, 45 years ago man wouldn't walk on the moon. See my point - the majority opinions and beliefs meant nothing

 

I do understand your point about humans being dynamic and learning and developing from this BU situation is key. Just don't give up if you believe it can happen, thats what i say. It may take a few weeks...it may take 50 years but it can happen and it happens everyday to millions of couples.

 

With everything that we try to achieve, there will be set backs. What we learn is better ways and more effective ways to achieve our goals. This doesn't mean that we spend our lives pursuing our ex but we learn how to manage situations and make future relations a hundred times more satisfying

[Mellie]

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" ~ John Lennon.

 

Personally I would love for my ex to come back. I don't fancy making that my focus for the next 50 years though Whether you want them back or not, for me I have to actively encourage myself to mentally make the switch from my intention being to GET them back, to detachment. Emotions follow logic and eventually you can force your heart to follow your head. To my way of thinking, this puts you in a stronger position, if indeed they were to come back. You don't want it to be emotionally charged. You want to be Mr Cool (I don't mean cold, I mean light and level headed). Though I realise our key difference lies in the fact that you intend to stage something to try and bring this about, whereas I'm going with the "If you love someone set them free" approach. Different approaches - could very well bring about the same result.

 

Disaster!

 

Kidding

[italiannmf24]

Wow, honestly that looked like a slap to the face. He's basically telling you to take care of yourself because he's done so much OBVIOUS damage to you.

 

Don't reply and I know it's hard but fake happiness until it starts becoming real.