trying to find some solid ground

[bucketsofrain]

Went to my first AA meeting today. Never thought I was an alcoholic. Still not sure, but I do know that I need to not drink anymore. For all the reasons, mental, emotional, physical.

 

I didn't love it, but I suppose nobody loves their first AA meeting.

 

I'm pretty screwed up right now. It all came to a head a few days ago when I had a near psychotic blackout episode where I called my ex talking about suicide and when she called my family I ended up screaming at all of them in my brother's living room. Ended up in the hospital. needless to say, I feel awful about all of it, though everyone has been surprisingly understanding.

 

It's tough, because I have pretty bad health problems and recently have developed vertigo and anxiety. So obviously was using the booze as an ever increasing crutch without even realizing it. Now I have a hard time even looking people in the eye that I don't know. That's pretty new for me as I used to be a very easy going social person. I'm supposing that the temporary relief of the alcohol only made it worse, so hopefully it will get better eventually.

 

On top of that, disabilities keep me from working or being to afford my own place, and I recently broke up and moved out of my shared apartment, got back together, broke up again, on and on... We saw each other yesterday when I got out of the hospital and we talked about getting back together then today after only one day sort of fighting. I am aware that this is a toxic relationship but we are not fighting it can be amazing. Just very hard to see eye to eye. Problem is, even though I'm pretty sure it won't work, I feel so bad without her. Almost hopeless. But as you can imagine, with all this other stuff going on, I am not the greatest partner (though I do have many good qualities that I've always hoped make up for it.) And I'm also aware I lean on her way too hard emotionally and she's sometimes understanding, sometimes not. She has problems too and I think I'm pretty understanding of them. But, well, you cant win them all. Or any of them sometimes.

 

So it'll be a long road back,and it's hard to not be impatient. I think impatience for comfort and feeling better is certainly an alcoholic's tendency.

 

Though I am aware it could be a lot worse. Really a lot.

 

One day at a time, as they say.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Blessings on you all.

[Mandolyn]

Dont feel bad, im only 19 and in the past 4 months ive been hospitalized twice because of alcohol and anxiety, my heart rate went up to 160 bpm while laying down. Then just a few weeks ago i blacked out and came out of it after have walked a few miles on a major highway road in the middle of the night, i got picked up and taken to jail for 15 hours and when i got out my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me.

 

My anxiety and alcohol problem has also cause me not to be able to work or have my own place. I used my boyfriend as a way to live up here in his town and he hated it. I had nowhere to go and he didnt want me to live with him. All he wanted was for me to have a job and my own place and i couldnt do it.

So here i am now, 3 weeks away from a court date where i have 1000 dollars worth of fines and my parents are coming up here to take me to the horrible state they live in where i have nobody. Dealing with heartbreak after all of this isnt helping me drinking either. ugh.

[bucketsofrain]

I am sorry to hear that Mandolyn. You clearly need to stop drinking. I know it's hard to imagine, but that dangerous behavior will lead to far worse things. More jail time, or maybe hurting someone or yourself in a way that you will regret forever.

 

You have a lot on your plate, I know, and it seems insurmountable. Just take it one step at a time. You are young. You have a lot of time to set things right, and nothing you have done is irreparable or unforgiveable. Take each thing separately. The fines, the heartbreak, the anxiety, the drinking. Get counseling (there are lots of low income services.) Perhaps you can get disability for your anxiety if it is really bad. I know meds are not always the best thing, but maybe they can help in the beginning. But you do need to talk to someone. Sometimes it takes a few different tries to find someone who really helps.

 

And I'll keep you posted about how AA is going. Hang in there.

 

From my experience

[bucketsofrain]

Now as for my situation, I need some advice.

 

My ex really wanted to see me tonight, but I told her I needed a few days to clear my head, also because my family is really worried about me and I know they want to keep an eye on me, and I'm pretty exhausted from the ordeal and need to just really think about my situation. Also she lives 30 miles away and though she makes me feel wonderful sometimes, she can make me feel worse, and also its a distraction from from thinking about what I'm going to do to make things better.

 

However, she got really really mad saying that what I did to her was so terrible and that she was there for me the other night and I basically forced her to want to get back with me and now that she wanted to see me I should reciprocate. I said just give me a couple days and she wouldn't accept that. She said my family was controlling me and that they hated her (which is absolutely not true; however, they do see how painful and hard our relationship is.) She told me "this is the most horrible thing anyone has ever done to me." Which sounds insane to me. But what I did the other night was pretty insane, so I have a pretty skewed perspective.

 

My instinct is that I'm right to not just run off to see her (even though I want to) when I've been acting insane. But she says I owe her and am being terrible for not meeting her needs?

 

I am really being horrible by needing a little head space? She's making me feel much worse, but I do see her perspective? Yet it's too extreme. She can't compromise. But I'm crazy too.

 

Any thoughts?

[bucketsofrain]

i don't know what's up with all the weird question marks. I'm pretty tired. Sorry about that.