I think he's on his way out?

[DogsAreLove]

Hi everyone. My story is sortof complicated but I would REALLY REALLY appreciate some help.

 

I feel like my boyfriend is starting to push me away. I have depression and I'm currently on medication for it. Every time I bring it up he gets uneasy and changes the subject. This really bothers me because I'm asking him to listen to me and he won't. He'll usually say something like "I hate when you talk like this/say these things/get into these moods". I showed him countless websites on depression and I still don't think he GETS it. I've even told him it bothers me when he changes the subject and his response is usually "well I don't know what to say". like SAY ANYTHING! "I'm proud of you for getting help" "I love you" "don't stop trying" etc. ANYTHING but nothing is good!

 

This week was really rough, he seemed to make me cry over stupid things almost every day. I admit they were dumb and I shouldn't have cried... but I can't control it sometimes and he knows it, he just doesn't want to accept it.

 

I recently got a new job, and I was finishing up my last 2 weeks at the restaurant I was working at. My boss pretty much fired me for quitting on Friday, because I had a headache and wanted to go home so he told me it was my last shift. I was really happy about it (that place made me MISERABLE and I was dreading the next 2 weeks). Everyone I told laughed, except my boyfriend. His response was "oh I could see that happening". I took it as "serves you right". He made no effort to correct the way I thought he meant it until I had already been crying. I eventually felt even worse about myself as if I'm bringing him down and called him to apologize and he said I was being ridiculous and should stop thinking so badly about myself.

 

I saw him that night and we were in a group with his friends and it was fun but my boyfriend didn't seem as into me as he used to be. I actually had more fun with his friends than him.

 

I saw him last night and things were weird. He was really rude to me. He was driving 120 km/h, and the speed limit was 80, and I told him that if he drove an extra 10km/h his car would get impounded. He then sped up and told me that I don't need to tell him what the speed limit is. Instead of me crying immediately as I would normally do, I controlled myself and just said "ok". He later realized he went the wrong way and should've exited earlier and I said "well, I was going to tell you but I don't have to tell you where to go so.." his response was "damn right!"

 

The rest of the night went ok, we seemed sortof normal. As he was driving me home we were talking about my depression and I told him he was a big factor in me getting help and keeping me motivated. His response to that insulted me and he basically said he didn't want to be a reason at all and I should change for myself and not for him or anyone else because if he left the picture he'd still want me to be happy. I get what he was saying and it wasn't really what I meant, he was acting like my world revolves around him which it certainly doesn't. I tried to explain to him that he was a good support system to have and he kept saying otherwise and that I need to get better for myself and not him. I finally gave up trying to explain myself.

 

Another thing... sorry if this is getting long.... but every time we talk about people getting married he says "ugh I'm never getting married!" (We're both in our early 20's). Every time he talks about a scenario in his future he'll say "well if I ever were to get married, the girl I marry would have to... etc etc"

I think that's a bit of a red flag... because we've been together almost a year and a half and he's basically saying "we're not getting married. I don't want to get married, but I'm willing to marry someone else just not you". I'm not saying I want him to propose now because I'm not ready for that yet, but I don't want to waste more years with someone who has this attitude already and I know will probably never marry me.

 

What's conflicting is that he's said that he wants to be with me forever.

 

Also he didn't say "I love you" first until the end of the night yesterday, and he hasn't said it yet today, and we usually say it a lot and I've noticed I've been saying it more than he has.

 

What kills me is that the relationship was so good until now, he was never rude to me, we were so in love... and now... I feel like it's gone to s**t.

[Stay_home]

A couple of things:

 

I think you're boyfriend is actually counter-productive to your attempt at seeking treatment for depression. I don't think it's helping at all, infact, I think he's contributing to the problem. The snide comments, the wishy-washy talk about marriage; you guys are have been together long enough that a talk about marriage is no longer in third person.

 

Secondly and with as much sensitivity as I can offer to the depression that you face everyday, but you really will have to be on guard with your tears because people will see how sensitive you are and take advantage. As goofy and as stupid I can act sometime, I can have a quick-temper sometime and get into my feelings about something. It just depends on the day and my mood. That's normal. But I very seldomly let people see that, because if I did they would know that they've got to me and then they will keep on pulling the trigger and try to push me off the edge. People are like that; if they know they can hurt you, they will use that sword over and over again.

[listed]

Ok so if he's being rude to you then it probably wouldn't be the end of the world? It's possible with depression that you're interpreting things a bit more negatively then they really are but you should make sure you aren't too emotionally dependent on him so that if things do end you're in a better position.

[WockaWocka]

I feel like my boyfriend is starting to push me away. I have depression and I'm currently on medication for it. Every time I bring it up he gets uneasy and changes the subject. This really bothers me because I'm asking him to listen to me and he won't. He'll usually say something like "I hate when you talk like this/say these things/get into these moods". I showed him countless websites on depression and I still don't think he GETS it. I've even told him it bothers me when he changes the subject and his response is usually "well I don't know what to say". like SAY ANYTHING! "I'm proud of you for getting help" "I love you" "don't stop trying" etc. ANYTHING but nothing is good!

 

Good for you for getting help. I know from experience that it takes a lot to reach out for help when you're feeling so down.

 

But overall I'm confused as to what role you expect your BF to play in this--why do you need to show him all these websites and talk to him so much about it? What do you want him to GET?

 

Unless he's a committed partner who is helping you manage a chronic medical condition like diabetes he really shouldn't need to be involved in or aware of your medical care except in a very general sense.

 

It almost seems (to me and maybe to him) like you are trotting out depression every time he thinks you're too sensitive or moody or irrational in order to get him to understand. Like you want to pull out a big billboard that says "it's not my fault!" That can get old pretty quickly.

 

It's much easier to be concerned about a partner's health and wellbeing when they're not using it to explain their behavior.

 

Again, kudos to you for recognizing and addressing the problem. If I were you I'd treat it like any other personal medical issue and try not to make it a regular topic of conversation so much going forward, not with him nor with future boyfriends.

[superfox]

I have to agree here. I know how depression can be debilitating but it's also hard going for those on the sidelines, the lovers, family and friends. Often partners are pushed into the role of 'carer' whether they want it or not, when you are put in the position of being a nurse then the attraction can go out the window. He wants to see you as his girlfriend, not his girlfriend with depression who cries all the time.

 

He's probably frustrated with constantly being reminded of it. And from getting fired from your job with two weeks to go? Had you had time off for headaches or depression much before then? Although i'm reading between the lines from his response 'I could see that happening' I'm guessing you've had warnings in the past or moaned about work a lot.

 

I work with a woman with severe depression and my shifts with her are the most awful, draining and frustrating all week. Of course i feel for her and go out of my way to help but it wears you down, emotionally. I have to switch off or I'd carry her misery home.

 

i'm not trying to dismiss your depression at all and i apologise if my post comes accross as if I am, but you need to try and see him as your lover and not your counsellor.

[DogsAreLove]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

I don't talk about my depression with him 24/7. At first he didn't understand it and was saying I could snap out of it so that's why I showed him links to better get the situation. I just expect a little sensitivity on his part in not telling me that it's all in my head anymore.

 

I try to internalize as much as I can when I'm with him so I don't look like an idiot crying, and I've been doing a great job at it so far as the meds and the positive changes in my life job wise are really helping.

 

There was never any warning of me getting fired- I was one of the top servers there, I never called in sick, never complained about anything, and never went home from work. That one particular night there was no point in me even being there and I had a huge headache so my boss just told me not to come in for the rest of the week. My boss is psycho, and has his own anxiety issues. The other boss never agrees with what he does and he's just a huge mess. So yes my boyfriend was out of line saying that he could see that coming because I had a headache and wanted to go home.

 

I don't see him as a counsellor at all, but if something is bothering me and I want to talk to him about it he should want to listen right? I always listen to him when he complains about stuff so why is it any different for me? because I have a "label" on my issues?

 

I'm also not very emotionally dependant on him or anyone for that matter, and he knows that. So his comments were very annoying last night, and he's the type of person who will make himself right even if he interprets what I say the wrong way. I merely said that he was a nice support system to have, I never said my happiness depended on him or anything like that, he just decided to twist my words and go on a rant which I didn't appreciate.

 

I think I've addressed the main points in everyone's responses lol.

 

I guess I just need to absolutely ignore the topic with him even if he's the one who brings it up because that's the only way this will work out, if this relationship should even work out.

 

I feel like I'd be doing him a huge favour if I just ended things.

[bulletproof]

 

I guess I just need to absolutely ignore the topic with him even if he's the one who brings it up because that's the only way this will work out, if this relationship should even work out.

 

I feel like I'd be doing him a huge favour if I just ended things.

 

That last line is a good example of what might be frustrating your bf. Why would you say something like that? You are in this relationship, too- do you want to end things? Would that change *your* life for the better?

 

Perhaps there needs to be less talking about depression in this relationship. You said that the impetus for the original discussions about depression was that he couldn't understand why you can't just "snap out of it" when you are moody. Why not just take some time to yourself when you are feeling depressed, instead of talking/hanging out with your bf when you are like that? Then you can just get through it on your own and there doesn't have to be any explanation or discussion about it.

 

Also, from some of the things you mention your bf says ("stop thinking so badly of yourself"), it sounds like it's really hard for him to hear you being so negative so often.

[wicked6018]

him saying he never wants to get married, and ESPECIALLY that you need better than him is an obvious sign that he is wanting to break up, he's just scared to do it. sorry to break it to you. I suffer from the disease known as depression, too, and it is hell. i really feel for you. but you must know, having a bad relationship is the worst thing you can do for yourself when you have depression. he doesn't sound supportive or sympathetic to your disease at all. you really do deserve better.

[dali]

yeah it can be hard to get a partner understand what your going through, it's just alien to them. Sometimes what they say can be just plain ignorant, i mean 'get over it' is just insensitive. When you have depression or a mental illness a lot of people are really clueless as to how much it affects the person, it's a shame but until you walk a mile in their shoes it's hard for them to know that it's not as easy as clicking your fingers to get better.

 

I don't know if he wants to break up, but if your young it can be hard for a guy to entertain marriage. It's a huge step, it's like saying 'i love you' you only do it when your 100% ready. but he would kind of have to have some feelings about the idea after 1.5 years. I think it boils down to are you happy. IF you break up with him to 'do him a favor' is one thing, sometimes you have to let people go for their own good but you need to focus on what you want

[catfeeder]

I can think of several times in my life when my mental, emotional or physical states rendered me incapable of being relationship material. It's not always reasonable to view a BF or GF as someone who's necessarily as committed as those who've taken on marriage vows. Some people are just healthy and want to date healthy people. Period.

 

BF may be questioning what he's gotten himself into. Adding demands at this time that he be more sensitive isn't helpful if you want him to stick around. If he desires a healthy, drama-free relationship, and you're up for that, then that's the behavior I'd demo. If not, then he's within his rights to consider whether he WANTS to deal with a depressed GF or whether he'd be happier on his own.

 

All relationships are voluntary. Our private problems are valid, but that doesn't mean that a lover will want to cater to them or stick around no matter how unhappy this makes them.

[DogsAreLove]

Hey thanks for the rest of the responses. Things have gotten.... worse I guess. I have a few updates if anyone cares to know.

This week was really bad... I ended up telling him that I was avoiding talking about my feelings so he would feel better and his response was "Awww that's so sweet thanks baby!" ...like... are you serious?

 

Also I was feeling suicidal this week with all of the problems going on with my old job (everything is sorted out now and me and my old boss are on good terms and I'm feeling a lot better). I didn't tell him during my time of feeling like ending it all, I talked to some friends and they were very supportive. I didn't feel like I could say anything to my boyfriend. Later that day, it was Thursday, I felt better and decided to tell him. He said he would be devastated if I ended my life and he loves me. That's great and all, but after that he didn't ask me how I am doing. It is now Sunday and I still haven't gotten a "how are you" from him.

 

Yesterday I went to the beach with him and some close friends and I wasn't very talkative, my girlfriend noticed and asked me if everything was okay, she knew what had been going on and we talked about the situation. My boyfriend never once asked me what was wrong, if I was okay, NOTHING. When we all got home the first thing he texted me was "you looked so hot today come rape me!" ...I told my friend and she was appalled. She said it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize I wasn't myself that day and that comment was just uncalled for.

 

I know my mental state isn't "all there" but I'm able to see that this is WRONG.

 

I'd also like to add that he has a female friend who wanted to kill herself several months ago before my diagnosis, he told me he thought she was being stupid and I said no you need to take suicidal thoughts VERY seriously. So he freaked out and started messaging her telling her that she had so much to live for and she's a great person and all that. BUT HE CAN'T DO THE SAME FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!?!? I GOT NOTHING THAT NICE FROM HIM WHEN I WAS FEELING THAT WAY. NOTHING. He doesn't even hang out with this girl he jut has her on his blackberry messenger!!!

 

I can't deal with this.

 

If he can't handle me at my worst he doesn't deserve me at my best when I get better from this stupid illness!!!

[bulletproof]

It sounds like you got your answer, then. He doesn't want to be your therapist. I can't say I blame him entirely. I believe you could salvage your relationship if you have a psychologist that you use as a sounding board, or if you utilized your friends more for that.

 

Overall, the idea that he can't handle you at your worst isn't 100% fair. How often is your "worst"?

[Ms Darcy]

But overall I'm confused as to what role you expect your BF to play in this--why do you need to show him all these websites and talk to him so much about it? What do you want him to GET?

 

Unless he's a committed partner who is helping you manage a chronic medical condition like diabetes he really shouldn't need to be involved in or aware of your medical care except in a very general sense.

 

Some people are just healthy and want to date healthy people. Period.

 

BF may be questioning what he's gotten himself into. Adding demands at this time that he be more sensitive isn't helpful if you want him to stick around. If he desires a healthy, drama-free relationship, and you're up for that, then that's the behavior I'd demo.

 

It sounds like you got your answer, then. He doesn't want to be your therapist. I can't say I blame him entirely. I believe you could salvage your relationship if you have a psychologist that you use as a sounding board, or if you utilized your friends more for that.

 

I agree with these three points. I was in a relationship with a depressed guy for two years. I am very sensitive to the subject, have an understanding of depression, and I think it comes down to what you want in a relationship. He wants a healthy, drama-free relationship. Having to encouage you not to kill yourself is drama. As a friend, I would do that for anyone. I don't necessarily want to marry a suicidal person though.

 

So, I can see his perspective very clearly and all I can say is that on the other side of it, it's exhausting. Yeah, he is a bit of a boor with the "you look hot" comment, but it's because he's operating on the assumption of what he is looking for - a playful, healthy, sexual gf. Also, I honestly believe that being suicidal might be one of those signs that you are not quite ready for a relationship at the moment. Relationships with men are very different from friendships; the dance of intimacy is very different. He is not your friend; he's your romantic partner. And romance is what he wants.

 

I cannot tell you to stay or go, but I think you need to think very strongly about whether you can be happy in the relationship that he (and lots of guys) would give you. One where the other person is not responsible for dealing with your depression as a friend or therapist would.

[Happinessplz]

I really know what your going through everything your saying I totally relate..... no one understands...