i don't like myself for saying this, but i might be jealous of a dead girl.

[im_the_undead]

my bf's ex gf died some months ago. (she was drunk driving)

he and i had been talking before she passed... he was resentful toward her, and encouraged me to leave my ex bf behind, because my ex was as mean to me as she was to him. it was weird, how it all began... i thought our friendship was platonic and that he was simply giving me life advice.

anyway, we were all childhood friends... i drifted away from the girl because she grew up to be mean and wild. i'm not judging her for what she did in her life, i'm merely saying why we no longer remained friends. she was my neighbor. sometimes, she would get drunk and out of control.... once i almost fought her because she attacked my ex bf in a drunken rage... luckily, he reasoned with me.

I suppose she was just a teenager trying to have a good time.... so i didn't look for fights, i just kept my distance.

When she passed, it hurt me. I let go of the petty grudge i may have felt and i attended her funeral, of course.. i grieved for and with her mother and aunt, whom i felt the most pain for.

 

later on.......somehow, fate put me and the girl's ex bf together.... i honestly did not see this one coming. i had genuine hurt for him as well, i remember bawling my heart out hoping that he would be okay... but i never felt anything more for him than sincere friendship. he looked for me though, i was confused but took each day as it came.

 

time went by, not too much i suppose, but enough went by for things to happen between us, and now we're together... and i think we're in love again... after all that we've been through (he in his life and me in mine.)

 

before we got together though, i broke off the complicated friendship we had because i felt like we were stuck in a weird place that was taking us no where, and asked of him not to look for me anymore, to live his life and have a good future. i figured it was the best thing to do for the both of us and our complicated relationship.. however, he came back for me and doesn't want to go away.

 

i'm eager for a new beginning with him....

i just don't understand why i've suddenly felt a stream of jealousy in my heart that i'm ashamed to even feel.... even more to admit

i have never been jealous with him, even after other little things he's done... it usually slides off me because i'm not a jealous one.

i guess i'd just like advice on how to get over it. i know it's wrong.. but the fact that her memory is everywhere hurts a little.

while he and i were in our 'talking' phase, he started to wear a bracelet she gave him and i doubt he'll ever take it off... she's all over facebook... everyone's, including his own.. and everything of hers is still in his home/room.

i should be able to understand... and i am trying.

i never say anything to him about it or how i feel, only once when i had a few drinks in me... but i think that the more i fall for him, the more it hurts..

idk why it feels like i can't compare to her

 

it's complicated... i don't really know how to explain myself.... but i've heard this is a common feeling with a situation as delicate as this

and need advice on how to get over it...

 

please don't attack me, i feel guilty enough as it is

[prettynthecity]

Hi there.

 

I can understand your feelings seeing as she still seems to be everywhere. But you have to understand something- he hasn't fully grieved his loss. It will take him a long while to have all the grief out of his system and only then will he be ready for a relationship.

 

Since you can't expect him to just pack up all her things and hide them away and never mention her again, I think you need to make a graceful exit and allow him to work past his pain without complicating the matter. I know you're falling for him, but I think this is simply a case where you need to back off for a while.

 

 

[WockaWocka]

Competing with an ex who has passed away is very difficult, people tend to be lauded after their death even if they did bad things, multiply that by 100 if the person was young. No one wants to speak ill of the departed. Especially when you have contact with friends and family who are grieving so heavily.

 

I wonder whether part of the issue here is that you wonder how your bf could have been in love with someone so "mean and wild." Drunk driving puts everyone on the road at risk and I'm guessing this wasn't her first time doing it. So you have to question his judgment a bit. Not for missing her, but more for having been involved with her in the first place. Maybe it just seems strange that a guy who was with her would also be with you?

[thejigsup]

Personally, and this is just my opinion, he is no where near ready for a relationship. My bf died in April and I am light years away from ready for another relationship. Some bereaved people jump into another relationship quickly as a way of avoiding their grief and pain. This may be fine for them, but it is generally h*ll for their current partner. They can only give so much and in time may actually be mad at the new love because they are not more like "them". It is best to wait a good while before you return to dating. I'd say at least a year or so.

[im_the_undead]

maybe i do fathom how he could love me when i'm the exact opposite of what she used to be. it's baffling. but i suppose that doesn't matter... he is also the exact opposite of my ex and i feel much happier than i ever have.

anyway like i said, we had been talking way before she passed, and the girl already had a new boyfriend as well.... her passing just made things weird for me, and i'm sure for him it was beyond confusing... yet, the situation brought us closer together. he perused me

 

one thing i did try to do, however, was give him space... although it was incredibly difficult for me.

i told him he was welcome to pursue me in the future when he was ready, that my door would be open for him for a while...

and to have a good life ahead of him.. but not to look for me anymore and that we couldn't necessarily be friends..... simply because my feelings for him are strong and i also needed time to heal...

 

our relationship is very intimate... soo hell yeah it would have been crazy....

 

he came back to me though, doesn't want to let me go..

 

and i'm happy, but i'm also shocked because i know if my ex died... wow. i might just die myself

he's an extraordinary case i suppose