nukemdukem Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Hi All, Its been a while since my last post, so i'll give a quick update and what i'm planning to do. I havent heard from my ex for 5 weeks or from her mother for 4 weeks. My ex blocked my email address because i couldn't stop emailing her, i had lost it mentaly and just wanted her back so badly - with her being on the otherside of the world i didn't know what to do. Then her mum stepped in and told me to stop and that in 3-4 months i should contact her and then we'll see if me and my ex can start talking again. So since then i havent sent any emails, texts etc... until yesterday! I sent her mum an email wishing my ex a happy canada day and that if my ex wanted we could exchange a very brief email on how we are doing, but if she didnt want to do this that was completely fine. As of yet no reply. Why did i email her mum? Well i've been in singapore a whole month now and although its fun going out being single, meeting new women, its really hit me how much i really did love my ex. The way she acted and her little quirks, its really exactly what i was looking for, i just didnt appreciate it at the time. Now i would give anything to have her back at my side. When we were together, sometimes i'd have little doubts if she was the one, due to my lack of experience, but now i have no doubts. I've seen there are plenty more fish in the sea, some very nice and friendly ones, but my ex was just such a good fit - and it is with hindsight i see that now. So now that i know i want her, that i have no more doubts, i'm stuck on what to do. Do i let things be and pray she comes back to me (unlikely as shes so stuborn) or do i try and reach out but in a good way, in a way that respects her space and wishes? Her b'day is in 2 weeks and i'm thinking of sending a HUGE boquet of roses (like 100) with a simple note saying happy b'day, have a great day and i'll be thinking of you. Then see if she responds, if she doesnt then i'll leave it another month and try another simple note. I think (80%) that if i can get her to come visit me in singapore then we'll have a great time, i've grown alot in the last 3 months and if it felt right maybe we could give things another go. My main aim is to not repeat the same mistakes i made before after the breakup, i want to give her space and keep things simple, but i also want to try and open up communication and get her to come visit me in singapore in the next 3 months. Any ideas, advice? Thanks Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Her b'day is in 2 weeks and i'm thinking of sending a HUGE boquet of roses (like 100) with a simple note saying happy b'day, have a great day and i'll be thinking of you. Then see if she responds, if she doesnt then i'll leave it another month and try another simple note. This may seem like a good idea to you, but it'll be a HUGE mistake. You need more time (quite a bit, I think), because I can feel the desperation in your tone. As long as you're motivated purely by emotion (and you are, and I think everyone else can sense it), then you have no chance of acquitting yourself well. Flowers and cards will just dig your grave. So this means ... for the time being ... you guessed it ... no contact. Link to comment
dodgedabullet Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 She blocked your email address....take that as a HUGE hint that she doesn't want to be with you. And do not WASTE your money on roses, and certainly not 100 of them!! What a waste that would be. Forget about her and take yourself out to some nice meals instead with the money you would have wasted. Someone who wants to be with you wouldn't be blocking your email. She doesn't want to hear / read anything that you have to say. .....sorry. Link to comment
nukemdukem Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 she only blocked my email address because i lost it mentally and was emailing her 3, 4 times a day saying stupid things. Looking back i dont know why i did it, she didnt want to block me and asked me to stop quite a few times, but for whatever reason i couldn't - i behaved really immaturely. i guess thats the thing a regret most. Link to comment
dodgedabullet Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 she only blocked my email address because i lost it mentally and was emailing her 3, 4 times a day saying stupid things. Looking back i dont know why i did it, she didnt want to block me and asked me to stop quite a few times, but for whatever reason i couldn't - i behaved really immaturely. i guess thats the thing a regret most. Denial is pretty strange, ain't it. Remember, if you were crazy about someone, you wouldn't mind if that person sent you 10 emails a day. I know that I wouldn't. She blocked you, cause she isn't interested. The sooner you accept this, the faster you can move on. Link to comment
ToF Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I really don't think sending anything for her birthday is a good idea. As another member already pointed out, your tone is very desperate, even if you don't realize it. Take a step back and think about this logically, rather than emotionally: -You "lost it" to the point where she felt she had no choice but to block you from emailing her. -Her mother (who's had more life experience AND knows her side of this break up much better than you do) has told you that it will take several months for your ex to possibly consider being in contact with you. -You've already shown her mother that you aren't capable of doing what she asked of you, by sending that seemingly harmless email. I know your intentions were not to scare anyone off, but I doubt her mother even told her that you emailed. It was just ... Inappropriate, and you completely disregarded what she asked of you. Sure, sending a huge bouquet of roses would be an amazing idea, if your ex was going to interpret it the way you intend her to. But given all the things I mentioned above, she will not interpret ANY gift the way you intend her to. She just won't. You may be feeling awesome, confident and happy, but there simply hasn't been enough time. She will take it as desperate and see it as another sign that you are "losing it" yet again. For your own sake, don't do it. Link to comment
dodgedabullet Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Another thing. If you send her 100 roses, the flags of desperation and immaturity will be waving in full force. Link to comment
nukemdukem Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 ok, really i'm at a low, because is it just too much to ask, to have a little bit of contact with someone i loved alot and lived with for over 1 yr. i'm not sure i can take being cut out of someones life because i was too immature to handle the breakup initialy. yes the relationship is over, but to build a new one (if we both wanted to) then somehow we've got to start talking again. if i had not sent loads of emails begging etc then right now, after a month of NC, i could send a small email to test the water, see how shes feeling etc but because of my actions i cant. i fear she will never talk to me again. fine, the roses are a bad idea, but how do i start rebuilding communication with my ex? Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Look at it this way: you've done more than enough. The ball is solidly in her court. Leave it there. If she ever wants to speak to you again, she knows how to reach you. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 fine, the roses are a bad idea, but how do i start rebuilding communication with my ex? For the moment, you don't! That may sound odd now, but with time -- and I'm talking six months or a year or even more -- it'll make perfect sense to you. You have been warned, and that's the best I (and others) can do. If you push this matter now, then you deserve everything you get. Link to comment
ToF Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Just take a deep breath. I think your pain is making you feel like it has been FOREVER since you've heard from her, when really it hasn't been that long at all. I know you don't want to hear this, but there is little point in attempting to re-establish contact with her as long as you are still feeling this way. You may not be feeling quite as desperate and "immature" as you did before, but trust me ... from what I'm reading here it sounds like it could easily turn in that direction. What if she were to respond to you, only to say something that made you feel even WORSE than you do now? It doesn't seem like you're ready for that yet, which is okay because you've had hardly any time to heal. The truth is, she used the way you acted (the constant emails) as an "out". If she had any interest in continuing the relationship, she would have gotten past that. Don't agree? C'mon, look around this forum. There are countless stories of people continuing to love and even be with their S.O.'s or exes, even when that person is acting certifiably insane. You sent a bunch of desperate emails, and that was all it took for her to block contact. No, you didn't drive her away. She walked away. She CHOSE to walk away. As much as you think "she didn't want to do it..." or "you left her no choice...", the fact is, she made the decision to block you. My point is ... You need to act as if this is over for good, because it very well may be. You may not want to think of it that way, but that is truly the reality of the situation. There is a chance of reconciliation, but there is also a chance that you'll never speak again. Chasing after the former whilst she is not interested will only make you less attractive and make your situation worse. Accepting the latter will prepare you for anything. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Hugs Nuke. You need to give things more time. Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 At the very LEAST, you should respect her mom's request to wait 3-4 months before sending another email. I know it's hard to believe, but if your ex loves you, her feelings may be even stronger after 3 months of NC. Allow her to miss you and feel what life is like without you. And please do NOT send 100 roses. I wouldn't like getting that many roses from a man I was crazy about, let alone one whose email I had blocked. It would feel suffocating and oppressive and would make the guy seem desperate for my affection, which is never attractive. Link to comment
sunnz Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 ok, really i'm at a low, because is it just too much to ask, to have a little bit of contact with someone i loved alot and lived with for over 1 yr. i'm not sure i can take being cut out of someones life because i was too immature to handle the breakup initialy. yes the relationship is over, but to build a new one (if we both wanted to) then somehow we've got to start talking again. if i had not sent loads of emails begging etc then right now, after a month of NC, i could send a small email to test the water, see how shes feeling etc but because of my actions i cant. i fear she will never talk to me again. fine, the roses are a bad idea, but how do i start rebuilding communication with my ex? Hey I know it's hard and I was at where you are at...that is my ex told me too to stop contacting him...he had even said to stop readding him on fb [i added aboout 3 times lol] Now we are slowly building back the friendship [ I say friendship because in order to get an ex back you have to have some sort of strong foundation...you can't simply be in a relationship...again...from the first time you communicate] I did all the wrong things I acted emotional...lashed out...hurt angry...sarcastic...I looked unstable with what I had been writing...because one minute I would be nice the next I would tell him it was all over...all because I didn't get the response I wanted or in the timeframe I thought it should have been...I was acting like a brat !! lol and also my ex said I was playing mind games...back then I didn't realise it but now I do... Now my ex at that time was cold...cocky...rarely replied [it was all in a space of 2 weeks when I made second attempt to contact] told me at one point it was best we didn't talk for now...etc...all the negatives that exes throw at you... Well now the opposite...he is replying communicating in a happy friendly caring way...he is showing he cares...he is letting me know what is happening in his life....all on his own doing...he even readded me to facebook on his own...he has agreed to meet ...everything I thought would be impossible...is possible... How did I do that ? I took close to *3* months of complete NC...went on a holiday to refresh myself...and then I contacted him with a casual hows everything been...I made sure I was upbeat had smileys in there...and now all of my communication is HAPPY POSITIVE...I react to nothing...I am calm cool and it is not an act !!! I changed the way my mind thinks...and it was hard as I am a blunt strong opinion person at times...with little patience...lol...but I didn't want to make the same mistakes a third time... In short I literally got my act together and stopped thinking of my *needs* and started thinking the way I do things hasn't been working for me...and really the problem was ME... I put down the expectations...and a huge sign of relief came over me...I no longer have that anxiety people get when in the beginning stages of trying with the ex again...I don't sweat the small stuff... For example if I am hit with a negative [now in my new mind frame it is no longer seen as a negative]...say he doesn't respond...I do nothing...I might send another message 4 days later with nothing but a cheery how's the weekend been [only did this once though]...this shows through your actions to the ex...that you *don't sweat the small stuff*...this shows them you truly have changed...but you must be consistent and truly feel the positive for this to come accross to the ex...hence I remained positive for a month [and still am because it is the truth I feel it]...no reaction if he happened to not respond...and this put back *TRUST* in my exes eyes...so much so he re-added me to facebook [remember 3 months ago he told me to stop the re-adds or he would block]...he also told me to text him [before he told me NOT to text anymore when I was emotionally at my worse] Your ex needs to see through your actions...through consistency that your behaviour is no longer a problem that you got yourself together...but it must be the truth and not an act... Everything is a positive now for me...and I am feeling that I made the right decision for both of us to change my thinking and the way I go about things... Some people can see things as a negative...I no longer view things with my ex as a negative...if he can't make a catch up because he is tired...I don't get upset and view this as a rejection...nope I view this as exactly what it is...he's tired...and my response was "great minds think alike as I'm buggered and cozy in my bed [i literally was] perhaps when you're back from your holiday we can catch up then ! night not sweating the small stuff...It's showing I'm not bothered that we can't meet then...and it is the truth... Just like a friend would cancel cause they are not feeling it...you don't get all rejected...it's what it is...another time...no ones going anywhere...time is on our hands... I have come a long way and I am now thrown positives with interaction with my ex...a total opposite to what he acted 3 months ago [myself included]...The one thing my ex told me when we were together that I needed to RELAX... So just do it...RELAX...be consistent...and don't take anything as a negative...see it as a stepping stone...you can't change people to think like you but you sure as hell can improve the circumstances where *THEY* change *because* they see positives...it makes them RELAXED and comfortable...it relieves the pressure... It is all a progression...rome wasn't built in a day and certainly neither will building a new foundation from someone in the past...keys words...Be relaxed...positive...consistent and most important...Don't sweat the small stuff... Please be aware that exes will be on their guard..they will throw tests to see if your new you is fake...they observe you very closely I can guarantee that... Bottom line wait another 2 months...one month is not enough for the negatives to evaporate...they need more time....a month to see you're giving them space and another month to show you really can live with out them...then add a few more weeks to really top it off LOL EDIT TO ADD: Do NOT give gifts when getting back in touch with the ex...it is seen as sucking up...trying to WIN their affection...they are not queen and king...they have not yet deserved this kind gesture...leave all that material stuff when you are actually together again...save your money...go buy yourself something... Ask yourself this...*how has what you've been doing working for you ???*...you need to change your tyres and start rollin' a new path for yourself... EDit again: To be honest before I went on my 3 month NC...I sent one final email to acknowledge my mistakes I made with my behaviour of acting emotional...pms as well etc and I had asked him for peace and truce between us and that we were so good at soothing each other it was not like us at all to act like this towards one another...I also asked if maybe after I got back from holidays wpould it be ok to talk again [it would be a month] I also said I would remove all expectations go with the flow as I wanted this to work out...I said ultimately his decision...I DIDN"T come back after that month as I had asked... I continued NC a further 2 months [well close maybe 2.5 months]...I came back when I thought it felt right...so I had apologized for my behaviour before I went NC...whether that helped I'm not sure...probably my ex respected me more because I acknowledge I was wrong... Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Roses and cards and chocolates after a break up ONLY works in the movies. Real life is different. You will just look desperate. She DUMPED you and blocked you. She doesn't want anything to do with you. And you say that you "couldn't" stop emailing her - I say that you CHOSE to email her all the time. What part of No Contact do you not understand? Link to comment
nukemdukem Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 thanks for the advice guys - some brutally honest advice and some nicer advice! lol. Drmallama - she does want something to do with me, before i "chose" not to stop emailing her (i hold my hands up, i had no experience of a breakup of someone i truly loved, no experienced the sense of loss nd panick, if it happened all over again i would behave much differently with the experience i now have). My ex wnts to be friends with me, but she is like you, beleives 100% in NC until your over someone - but then she sometimes changes her mind. I know we will be friends again and i know she will forgive me. I'm just scared between now and whenever, she will fall in love with someone else nd i'll have blown my chance with a great girl. Sunnz - thankyou for the great advice, but can i ask you, how woul you react/feel if your ex started dating someone else seriously, would it set you back? Her mum replied to me last night, she said my ex was doing well with her new job and is very busy working hard. She said that we should stick to our agreement of no contact for 3 months and wished me well in my overseas job. I replied to her mum saying i'm glad my ex is doing well in her new job and that i will respect our agreement of no contact for 3 months. So thats what i'm going to do, i'm going to wait until the 3 months is up and then see how everything is. I know its going to be tough but i know its the best thing to do. In that time i'm going to continue having fun and working on myself - but i do hope my ex manages to stay single and i get another chance. My only question (and i think i know the answer) is that its her b'day in 2 weeks, granted i will not send any gifts or flowers (lol) but i want to send a small b'day card - my brain says send nothing, but then it seems like the nice thing to do and to remind her i'm still thinking of her. i know people will say send nothing, but i've been raised in a family where b'ays are really important and no matter the situation you always wish someone close a happy b'day. Apart from this i know wht to do now. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 It doesn't matter whether SHE changes her mind about NC - it's about whether it's good idea for YOU. It doesn't matter whether she agrees with NC or is contacting you all the time to be friends, you must STILL stick with it. It doesn't matter whether she dates someone else now. She is single and she dumped you so you can either stay in touch with her (if she lets you, that is) and watch her date other people, or you can stick with NC and be oblivious. Let go of the fact that she might date other people because you have already lost her. And by the time you are truly over her and you can theoretically be in a place where you can be in touch as friends, by the time you get to that point, you won't care whether she is with someone else or not. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Never put a time limit on NC. What will happen is that you are going to keep yourself busy while also looking at the clock and counting down the days until you can be in touch again. You cannot move on and heal and learn from something if you never accepted it as gone in the first place. Also, stop this contact with her mother. Really. Don't contact her on her birthday. She dumped you. She doesn't need to know that you are still thinking of her. Birthdays are for family/friends/lovers and by her choice, you are none of those three. You are lying if you say you are doing it because you want to be "friends" or you want to be "nice". No. You will contact her because you still care what she thinks and you want to try to improve the chances of reconciliation. But that's the whole point of going NC - to learn not to care what she thinks. Link to comment
nukemdukem Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 yes granted that is all true - it doesnt change the fact that i want her back. I'm going to get on with my life, but if i get a chance to give it another shot with her i will take it. It tkes 2 to tango, so if she decides to contct me and be friendly then i'll be reciprical, if not then maybe i'll meet someone else and i'll find it easier to be just friends. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Usually by the time you are over an ex, you are too busy dating someone else and being friends with people who you don't have baggage with to worry about being in contact with an ex. Remember, just because an ex is friendly, it doesn't necessarily mean they want to get back together with you. There are many more reasons why they might want to stay in touch that has nothing to do with reconciling. So it's in your best interests not to settle for being friends if you want more. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Wanting her back is fine. But acting on it is the wrong way of going about it. You will never let the feelings fade if you keep acting on them. Link to comment
ToF Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 yes granted that is all true - it doesnt change the fact that i want her back. I'm going to get on with my life, but if i get a chance to give it another shot with her i will take it. It tkes 2 to tango, so if she decides to contct me and be friendly then i'll be reciprical, if not then maybe i'll meet someone else and i'll find it easier to be just friends. Of course you still want her back. That's not going to change overnight, unfortunately. But the problem with that is, you can't change the fact that she[/i doesn't want you back. I think the most positive step forward you can take at this point would be to get rid of any method you have of contacting her. Delete her number, block her FB, delete her email, etc. She can certainly contact you if she ever wishes to. I know it's tough, but I've done it before and it DOES get better. Link to comment
nukemdukem Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 yes i agree, thats why i'm not sending any flowers etc and going to continue with the no contact for 3 months. one-step at a time, yes in my head i want to contact her after the 3 months, but between now and then who knows what will happen, i may change my mind and not want to contact her. this is all a learning experience for me and from where i was 2 months ago to now, i'm much better and dealing with everything alot more maturely. yes i still get down when i think of her but atlest now i'm not emailing her, texting her etc atlest now i'm going out metting new people and trying to have fun. i think i will always want to be with her, but i think i will learn to deal with it so that it doesnt affect me. Link to comment
sunnz Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Sunnz - thankyou for the great advice, but can i ask you, how woul you react/feel if your ex started dating someone else seriously, would it set you back? In all honestly it would not set me back...it would make me end that chapter...and move forward still... I say this because I have had exes that went into a serious relationship quite quickly...early on matter of within 3 months or so...it made me cut wanting them back all together...incidentally one of those exes decided he wanted me back a few months later...I said NO !!! Because I had moved on that much faster knowing the chapter was closed... Link to comment
sunnz Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 yes i agree, thats why i'm not sending any flowers etc and going to continue with the no contact for 3 months. one-step at a time, yes in my head i want to contact her after the 3 months, but between now and then who knows what will happen, i may change my mind and not want to contact her. this is all a learning experience for me and from where i was 2 months ago to now, i'm much better and dealing with everything alot more maturely. yes i still get down when i think of her but atlest now i'm not emailing her, texting her etc atlest now i'm going out metting new people and trying to have fun. i think i will always want to be with her, but i think i will learn to deal with it so that it doesnt affect me. I think you might find this website that has helped me...useful...no need to buy her ebook ...her site covers everything...free link removed link removed Link to comment
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