Sometimes it's a good thing to try and find a new friend right after BU.

[hazelnut321]

I know alot of you may disagree, but hear me out. Every individual and situation is different. What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. I would love to know your opinions regarding my specific situation.

 

A brief synopsis about me; I'm 50, but like to think that I don't look it- I certainly don't feel it. I've been divorced for 18 years and left an 8 year relationship in 2005. I've done quite a bit of online dating since and have found some great guys. I've had 3 LTRs of over a year since 2005. They were all good, but not "right". It's much tougher as we get older with more complications and more set in our ways to find a compatible match- I've never been one to look for perfection- I know that problems with finances, kids, and a menegerie of other crap will happen. But, I must admit sometimes I've been known to throw in the towel too soon. I've been working on that.

 

I took a year off between my last relationship and this latest one. I needed it and spent it wisely- working on projects around here and being with friends and family. (He just came over and got his toiletries, tools (he had been working on a project for me) and left without ANY explanation! He had been out of a job for 6 months, and we were quite different in many things(especially politics and music)- but we got on pretty well).-- but that's beside the point. It truly took me by surprise, and it was a blow, knowing that someone could write me off so easily.

 

I found who I thought was the love of my life in Jorge 13 months ago. We were almost symbiotic, very ying and yang in a good way- not much clashing. We just plain enjoyed each other's company every time we were together. But the bottom line is that he is too recently (2+ years) out of a 20 year marriage, his kids are all-consuming right now and he's very "hands on". I love that about him, BTW. He isn't ready to move forward in any way right now- The words "I love you", haven't ever been said by him-and unfortunately that's a dealbreaker- some of you guys reamed me about that post BTW- Geez, sue me!

 

But either he isn't feeling it, or the timing is off. Whichever it is, I have to move forward alone. He told me that he needs the summer and fall to "get his house in order".Therefore, I have no choice but to give him the time he needs. There are certainly no guarantees of a reconciliation. As a matter of fact, from most of the threads I read- many of you think the odds are against it.

 

What's wrong with the diversion of a dinner date with someone new to get my mind off Jorge- if just for a little while? I don't do casual sex, so that isn't an issue. Plus, it would give me the confidence to know that there is life- After Jorge. I'm going to be 51 soon, I don't have alot of time to sit back for an inordinate time to heal. Yes, my heart is fractured, I don't know if I will ever find someone even close to the intimacy that we had-- but I have to look. From my experience, it's about every 5 to 6 meetings with internet dates that turn into a 2nd date.... and of those, a much smaller number end up being someone significant.

 

We all want to find our life partner, right?? Why not start now?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes..but you are looking at what is good for YOU..how YOU can feel better. Rebounds, however, hurt the reboundee who takes it more seriously and gets more emotionally involved. What may be just a distraction for you, may be something more serious for the person you go out with. Also, typically someone who is going out to "just date" 5 seconds after a relationship ends...is really looking for a replacement relationship. Most of the time they latch on to the next person who shows interest in them and that becomes their rebound relationship. It never is about "just dating"..it is about being desperate to recapture the relationship life in order to avoid being alone. The person who is next in line to fill that void often ends up getting very hurt.

[Cheetarah]

Is there anything wrong with a casual date/diversion? No. So long as those are the cards you're lying on the table, and you're not bandaging up your grief with the dating game and being avoidant.

 

But is that only what you want? And with Jorge on the brain, you're consciously and subconsciously going to be seeking out another Jorge(in one way or another). No one is going to compare to him because no one IS him. And so early on, it's likely you'll take a Jorge-like behavior and run with it - Trying to recreate that intimacy and relationship. This is unfair because the new person isn't really getting the chance to be experienced as an individual.

 

If you want to make new friends and have casual dates, go for it. Stay honest with your suitors and most importantly, yourself.

[hazelnut321]

crazyaboutdogs- thx for responding. That's a good point-I guess it is selfish to want what I want out of a new friend without regard to his feelings- that's something to think about. In response to your reply about the feeling of desperation just to avoid being alone that many people have- or trying to recapture what we had- it may be true for most people- but I'm really good with my own company- and I know there's no way that I'm meeting a Jorge replacement.

 

Mintiya- You are definitely right about having Jorge on the brain- Try as I might- I don't think I would have a good time with anyone right now (with the possible exception of George Clooney I have great ideas- but putting them into play right now may not be a good idea. Just too soon. Thx for reading!