Is this abusive behaviour or do I have a problem?

[thali]

Thank you Kath for the book reference. I am reading it and it helps, even though I can't help but think I provoked a lot of his behaviour. To be honnest, I can't even remember how I behaved, I know I got upset with him when things got really unbearable, but he's so often told me his version of my getting upset, that I have trouble remembering what actually happened. My mind is a real mess right now..

 

As for him knowing that I made huge sacrifices to his lifestyle, I actually think he has no idea, because he has never shown any interest in the way I like to live. The other day I had the proof of it when he said we should get a place in the city because "we are both city people", I am all but a city person and the thing I love most is getting out of the city, into nature, into the mountains, it just fills me with joy like nothing else does. incidentally, since we've been together, we've not been to the mountains once, and in fact done very little of the things I really love..

 

I've not had any news from him in 3 days.. I know it is for the best and he's probably doing me a favour, but it is really killing me..

[katycloud]

Yes, that IS abusive behaviour that you are on the recieving end of You need to get away from this man and come to terms with the fact that things will not get better, despite the "beautiful" life you had planned out together...

[thali]

I got a final email from him yesterday, at first it really hurt me it was so harsh and ruthless, but then, I thought, if you are breaking up with someone you have loved, even if you don't love them anymore, no one would write such an awful email. Not only is he telling me he does not want to have anything to do with me, but he listed, yet again, all the horrible deeds I have done to him. If nothing else, this is truly the mark of someone who has no caring for anyone other than himself. Can't he have the decency to be kind knowing the pain I must be in? I'm already down, and he keeps stabbing at me, hurting me more and more. I don't understand why any human being would do that to an other human being. He calls me selfish and self-obsessed and has accused me of doing everything in our relationship at my convenience, but I also realised, my convenience is anything that is not convenient to him.

 

Sometimes, yes, I have had to put other before him, for example my sister at her wedding, but even that, he has found unacceptable, or my family, before leaving home for a long time. There is not one word or memory of any of the good things I've done for him, of the good times which he used to say he had never spent with anyone till then, or when I even stood up for him to his own family, which totally shocked everyone because his exes had always complained to his family about him, he does not remember all that.. I have accepted all his humiliating behaviour, making me feel like I was some girl he'd picked off the street and given the good life to and I should be so lucky for all he has done for me, but what life, one where whatever I do which does not correspond to his rigid ways is seen as aggression or controlling him? Who is controlling who?

 

He even said to me that the only reason I miss him is because I know deep down that no one else would ever give me as much as he did. But what did he give me? A life full of restrictions, where my opinions were not even heard let alone taken into account, a world where I constantly had to listen to his preaching about EVERYTHING, because he knew better than anyone, whether is concerned style, food, politics,.. a world in which he not only put me down, but also the people I highly respect from my bosses to my former professors, all people highly respected by the society. The embarassement of each time I am out with him being associated to the disdainful and arrogant way he spoke to people, as if he were the most interesting and intelligent person in the world, I mean he never even had respect for his elders and spoke at them - no humility, he even didn't have respect for his own mother the way he spoke to her, but she just took it.. He asked me to marry him, but I was not even worth an engagement ring, even a cheap one which would have the sentimental value of the fact that he cares - whenever I said I was engaged, people would ask to see my ring, but I didn't have one to show..

 

I am deeply hurt and deeply sad, because I really loved him, though he has described my love as "relentless eploitation of his emotions". Who is exploiting who I ask you? And who didn't love who?

 

He pushed me away, that's when I left his house, and even now, he continues to push me away. He says he has never been happy in his entire life and that everyone has done everything to hurt him, but he pushes people away. He has no long term friends, he has a strange hypocritical relationship with his family who abused him as a child, he has cut off contact with those people who have been close to him and tried to love him.

 

I know that he must have some kind of deep anchored pain inside of him, but I am at a loss of how it is possible to be so detached from reality that he thinks that he holds the only wisdom and everyone else around him is wrong. And in spite of this, I loved him, but his last mail triggered all these realisations, I don't think he has ever truly loved me, not the way I define love, not the way my loving family and friends define love. I really wished it would have worked, I have never loved anyone the way I love him.. And unlike what he says, it is neither selfish nor interested, it is just pure unconditionnal love, and I never expected anything from him, except to be nice to me and accept me as a full human being..

 

I am heartbroken.. thank you all for all your help, support and words, you have been wonderful, I am so grateful..

[kath]

I'm so sorry for all the pain! I know exactly what you mean and reading your post brought back so many vivid memories.

 

My ex actually said the exact same thing even. "You're someone I picked up from the ditch, and I helped you, and I gave you everything. You could have had everything. Nobody has ever given you so much, and you're absolutely ungrateful. I made you who you are, and you just leave me." Which was completely not true, of course. I had everything before him, I have realized later on - I had friends, family, hobbies, my sanity and my self-esteem, I had freedom. He didn't give me anything, he only took and controlled me and made me into a sobbing fearful woman. But I finally have myself back!

 

The e-mail he sent and what he said about you, the past and your relationship, that's sadly the reality here. The reality is that he's totally ungrateful, doesn't have the decency to be kind to you. He was being mean to you in purpose, trying to blame you. He's absolutely self-absorbed, hateful and has very convinient self-serving "memory problems" - he doesn't remember stuff that he doesn't wish to remember. He had nothing to lose any more, he knew you'd already left, so he sent you this letter and showed you his true colors. This was the real him, and the kind and fun him you first met was just an act to get you hooked.

 

The most important thing here is for you to not beat yourself up for this. It's very difficult getting over a break-up, any break up. It's extremely difficult getting over a break-up with an emotionally abusive person. But the thing to remind yourself of is that this does not in any way reflect on you as a person. None of it happened because you're unworthy of love. It happened because he is literally not capable of loving, loving anyone besides himself, period. Like you said yourself, he doesn't have any friends and he even treats his mother badly. Sooner or later, he treats everyone so badly that nobody will stick around.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. You just fell in a trap, set by a skilled con-artist. These people are so clever and so good at what they do that anyone would fall in that trap. By the time you're starting to realize he's mean and abusive, you're already in so deep. It doesn't mean you are stupid or naive or not worthy of loving. It's so sad to understand it but it's the way it is.

 

I'd recommend some therapy too, so you can regain your sense of self faster, and get over this monster.

[thali]

If you think its over, and it sounds exactly like it should be, you have to be sure.. because his personality screams that he will try to win you back when he realises his tactics are'nt going the usual route. He may make you promises and even if you do reconcile if he's already making threats of breaking up and saying you've wanted it from the start he will use this time against you.

You just have to know he won't change.

 

You were completely right Grr.. after a few days of silence, he started calling me relentlessly. I never picked up, but then he sent me quite a nice email, and I made the mistake of answering. We spoke, or at least he spoke, because he never lets me get a word in, and it was first quite sweet, but then it was all about how much I had hurt him and how awful I was. I have heard this so many times, I am just so tired of it. He said he loved me and wanted to look into the future, but it seems that he HAS to torture me with this first.

 

I have said to him I have done things which have probably hurt him, and have always been ready to listen to those things. However, he will not let me express how he has hurt me, and when I say I understand his hurt, he keeps telling me I don't, and starts going on for hours how I've hurt him and how I do not understand him, rarely actually telling me what the source of all these instances of hurt are, or always coming back to a same isolated event which took place at some point. One thing he wrote to me was: I am not going to apologize for being hurt by your actions and you are not going to apologize for all

the unfair things you have done. What about my hurt or him apologizing to me about the hurt he has caused me? Is this sentence not turning everything yet again against me?

 

So tired of this drama, hurting so much and back to square one, because talking to him rekindled my feelings a little, though each interaction gets a little better, because I know not to let the wall down and even if it starts off nicely, pretty soon he'll be lecturing me and telling me how much I have hurt him and so on and so forth..

[kath]

Of course he's turning it against you, again. Just more abuse and guilt-tripping you.

 

I totally understand why you'd feel tired of this crap he's putting you through. Sadly, the only person who can stop it is you. He's enjoying it far too much and he's getting exactly what he wants - he gets to abuse you some more and lay the blame on you. So he's most likely not going to stop it. Why end it if it's working, right?

 

As soon as you're away from the drama he starts, you'll start healing and getting more strength. But listening to it will make you feel bad again. So, I guess it's easy to see which is better for you.

 

Sorry he's being such a jerk.

[Survictor]

Oh, you poor thing! This relationship sounds absolutely awful! I know that you feel you have invested so much time and energy into it and you moved and made so many changes in your life, but please, please, please, I beg you to stop wasting your energy and time on this man and on this relationship. Can you imagine and lifetime of this? Your sense of self, your self respect, your energy are all being sapped out of you. I think you know that you have to leave him and move on. You sound like an intelligent woman, so think smart. What would the you before this relationship sapped your strength have told the you of now? Please leave. This man is emotionally abusive and I worry that it will get so much worse for you if you stay. Don't give him any more opportunities to turn you into an emotionally insecure and dependent woman. Hold your head up, my dear girl. Square your shoulders. It is time to move on.

[thali]

Thank you for all your comforting words.. I am sorry I did not respond before, I was relocating for my job, and was a little over my head with the move..

 

I know this is not abusive as such, but I just wanted to ask you all a question. Unfortunately, as some had predicted, he did come back to me, and we did start talking again. I know, I am super weak, but it is difficult to let go of someone I was so in love with. Anyway, he has always had this thing where it really amuses him to make me jealous with other girls. We were talking on the phone today and he said to me "I hope I'm seated next to a cute girl". I guess that in itself, there is nothing wrong with that, but he says things like that all the time, and points out cute girls that he wants to use in his fantasies, and constantly wants to make me jealous with other girls, younger and prettier than me. Also, if I were in a loving and trusting relationship, I would possibly shrug this off, but with so many problems, I find it inconsiderate. I don't think it is nice, and I also think it is disrespectful to me. He thinks it is fun and says I am over sensitive. What do you all think? No man has ever done that to me, is it something normal I've just never been exposed to?

 

While I'm on the subject of fantasies, the thing that excites him the most during sex is fantasising about him or me with other people and talking about it. I find it really disturbing, but he says it is just healthy. But I feel uncomfortable, but he insists and insits until I say I don't mind or I like it. It's really not my thing, and I really feel pressured into doing it, but because he goes on at me so much and I finally give in, he now believes I like it and gets shocked when I say I don't want to do it (not that this matters right now, because we do not live in the same place).

 

I'm so confused, the saga goes on, and to be honnest, the love is really dying within me. Whenever I know we are going to talk, it is more of a chore, where I wonder whether he is going to call me names as he did at the week-end, or try to make me jealous with all these young girls 20 years younger than him! And then he write me message after message where he says how much he loves me? Please help me, I'm really going mad!!

[kath]

It is very disrespectful and inconsiderate to talk to you about how he finds other women cuter and younger! It's not normal under any circumstances that I can think of, not in any relationship. You are not too sensitive about this.

 

You have told him that you don't enjoy the stuff he says or does during sex and it makes you feel uncomfortable, but he continues to do it. That's just the kind of a person he is - it amuses him to hurt you. He's an abuser and as you can see, he has no intention of changing or trying to be nice to you. That's got nothing to do with love! He doesn't love you. A person who loves you will stop doing stuff that you say makes you feel uncomfortable and that insults you. A person who loves you would not leave you wondering "whether he is going to call you names as he did at the week-end." This is about control and abuse, not about love. Words are cheap, he can tell you anything he likes, but look at his actions - they speak louder than words!

 

And I can assure you, he knows full well that it's insulting. I guess he just likes to push the limits and see just how much he can get away with.

 

You feel like you're going mad because you're communicating with a man who likes to engage in crazymaking, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail and verbal abuse. Being subjected to this kind of treatment all the time would have anyone feel like they're going mad. It's not good for you and it will not get any better.

 

I'm glad you're at least physically away from him now.

[thali]

Thank you yet again for your soothing words kath. It really does help. Sometimes I feel a little silly posting each and every "episode" on here, but it really helps so much to get other people's views.

 

Concerning all the other girls, he does not actually say they are prettier and younger than me, however, he keeps pointing out pretty young girls or trying to make me jelaous by saying things concerning "being seated next to a cute girl on the plane/train/..." or telling me how there are all these cute girls wearing very revealing summer dresses in his town,.. I really do not know how to react to this kind of thing, because if I say it bothers me, he says he's only joking and I am oversensitive, and if I don't react at all, he gets frustrated because I am not jealous and keeps insisting "doesn't that make you jealous" until I say it does and then he tells me I am oversensitive. It's a no win situation!

 

It is interesting what you have said about setting limits. He has always said to me that he liked pushing boundaries and he always feels very proud that that defines him as a person. I guess it did not come up as a red flag, because I thought it would just be gentle nudging of boundaries or intelectual pushing of boundaries. But the truth is, I think this is one of the major problems, he keeps pushing every single boundary, be it calling me names (even when I have said I will not accept it), talking about cute girls and purposefully making me jealous (even though I have told him I do not find that amusing and I think it is disrespectful), wanting me to have sex in a particular way (even though I say it is not my thing and that if I do it, it is only for him, to which he says that if I don't do it for myself too, then it is the end of the relationship: basically he wants me to do something I don't want to do, and then makes me feel that if I don't actually like it, I am writing off the relationship: how is that respecting me as an individual? doesn't every one have the right to have likes and dislikes?).

 

Well, yesterday I told him that I didn't think it was normal his constantly talking about cute girls and making me jealous, and even when I don't react insisting, because it is not the fact of saying these things that he enjoys, it is getting a jealous reaction out of me I think. I also said if these were the things he wanted to talk about he was just wasting my time and I had better things to do. Instead of feeling sorry and appologizing, he just said I was wasting his time and hung up on me. Well I am not going to back down, this is a firm boundary for me, a man who needs to constantly say things to make me jealous (even though I don't have a particularly jealous personnality) is not someone I can be with for the long haul. As I said, slowly the love is dying and I feel much more happy and relaxed when I know I won't be speaking to him and I'll be hanging out with friends than when I know we are going to speak. I'm really starting to think he is childish and imature. I mean he's spent the last 1,5 months hanging out with his students 20 years younger than him! I think those are the people he feels close to, he never spends any time with people his own age! But I also think it is slightly weird to see all these pictures of him with these youngsters popping up on facebook. Not sure what that says about a person! But to me it is a little weird..

[kath]

Ha ha, a classic! You set your boundaries, you stated to him that you won't be having it any more and what he's doing is not OK, and what does he do? He hangs up! He just can't face it. He can't take it. I imagine he threw the phone down and just started cursing and he was really angry, thinking "Who does she think she is, telling me I can't call her names or talk to her about other girls? I can do whatever I want to!"

 

He isn't respecting you as an individual. Every normal man out there will stop doing something when you tell him that you dislike it, and will try in every way to never do it again, because he has respect for you. But instead, this guy tells you that pushing boundaries is what defines him as a person? Well, see, he even admits it himself that not respecting other people defines him as a person. He's not sorry, he's proud of it! What a loser...

[nicoleh24]

OMg...dont feel bad posting "episodes" you need to get it out so this is a good place.

 

He is emotionally abusing you...and hes a pervert. Im sorry. Its odd you say that "or telling me how there are all these cute girls wearing very revealing summer dresses in his town"-my boyfriend has made the

same comment about girls during the summer at his college...little things like this hurt. And as for his fantasy-something isnt right there...my boyfriend has sick fantasies as well. Sometimes it hurts certain things he wants

to do and he enjoys seeing me in pain-he also gets mad at me if I dont perform oral. I feel USED. He also tries to pull up my shirt in public and thinks its funny. Im sick of it. I hop0e you are out of that relationship...

[meoww]

Hello! Reading this thread is giving me goose bumps, I had a very unstable boyfriend a few years back who exhibited much of this behavior. I started to feel like I was a pawn in his perverted sexual games. Take it from me, you don't actually love this man. Someday I hope you will look back on these posts and wonder why you were attracted to such a person.

 

I'm so glad you found this forum, it's such a valuable resource and a great place to express your sorrows and frustrations.

 

By the way, I think the reason why you stay is that it was all so good in the beginning right? You keep relying on the memories of those beautiful days to sustain the current, very dysfunctional situation. I got over that too, like someone else noted previously, it's almost like these abusers are all one person because their behavior is so predictable. I thought our love was so unique and special, even when I knew to some extent he had said all the same stuff to his previous girlfriend and basically cheated on her too.

 

Another a reason I stayed was that I thought in relationships we all have to compromise some of our values so I thought I was willing to work with what he was giving me. However, your boyfriend is really violating you and he has already started to undermine your life completely. Please don't settle for this. I was paranoid for a long time that all men are just as sick as he was but I know that's really not true. He may make it seem like 'all men like young women' or whatever else he tries to normalize with you but you have to stand up for your beliefs even if it means being alone. I finally got to that point where I'd rather be alone forever than put up with that kind of garbage. I don't mean to scare you though with talk of being alone forever! I just meant I really had to gather a lot of strength to leave my situation. I'm sure you are a gorgeous and engaging woman who will find the kind of relationship you truly deserve.

 

There must be some kind of bond that is keeping you in this horrible situation. I thought I could never give up what I perceived to be a pretty incredible sex life and all the fun times we had sharing our interests but all I can say is that simply was not true. Now that I am out of that relationship, all aspects of my life have improved and would never go back to being that young woman I was only 2 years ago. Hugs!

 

As kath pointed out, he'll probably cut contact with you out of spite if you continue to set boundaries. After I expressed my legitimate rage at my ex, he stole a bunch of stuff of mine including my childhood keepsakes and actually laughed at me when I asked for it back. And I was the one being dumped! So be prepared for it to get ugly should you start standing up for yourself. For your sake, I hope it doesn't turn out like that. I'm not sure what is wrong with these people but you have very likely created some kind of victim and abuser dynamic together that is making you both very unhappy. You don't need to play this role for anyone ever again.

[thali]

Ha ha, a classic! You set your boundaries, you stated to him that you won't be having it any more and what he's doing is not OK, and what does he do? He hangs up! He just can't face it. He can't take it. I imagine he threw the phone down and just started cursing and he was really angry, thinking "Who does she think she is, telling me I can't call her names or talk to her about other girls? I can do whatever I want to!"

 

Makes me realise that actually all the times he told me I was being selfish, self-absorbed, ungrateful and hurtful (he always used to talk about this TERRIBLE pain I would be causing him, but when I wanted to understand so I could stop, he could never actually tell me how I was inflicting this pain and would either state one isolated thing I had said once and repeat it again and again, or just turn things around and say that anyway I could not understand him and never would) I think it was the times when I was standing up for myself and either just saying something different to him (like he wanted to go somewhere NOW and I said I was tired so maybe we should go another day - I don't remember saying it baddly, but he always referred to certain episodes as if I had stood up in front of all the crowds around us and started yelling and insulting him) or telling him to stop pushing a certain limit.

[chitown9]

but am still obsessed by the fact that maybe I am causing this or maybe I am perceiving it wrong?

..

You are not causing this and you are not perceiving it wrong.

[thali]

Sometimes it hurts certain things he wants

to do and he enjoys seeing me in pain-he also gets mad at me if I dont perform oral. I feel USED. He also tries to pull up my shirt in public and thinks its funny. Im sick of it. I hop0e you are out of that relationship...

 

It's just awful to feel like that. One sunny after-noon, I was waiting to go out to this cute terrace with him to have a drink. I was really looking forward to it. He said he just needed to do something on his computer, so I waited and waited. The after-noon was going by and I was already feeling that we were not going to have much time left in the sun/daylight. When he finished, he wanted to go and have sex before we went. I very nicely said, should we not go out before the sun goes down. This really upset him. He really wanted to have his way, and it really felt like seeing as I was not giving it to him, he didn't want me to get to do what I wanted (have a drink in the sun with him). So he sulked and basically only "made-up" once it was dusk, this making it impossible for me to have my fun. We still ended up having sex, so he finally got what he wanted. I felt so terrible after that. Not to mention all the fantasies he had. One of the things he would want me to do, while we were having sex, was describe how I had done it with my exes. He said it made him jealous but that was really exciting and turned him on. For me it was not at all nice though, because if they are exes, well, sometimes you do not want to think about them, especially not like that. If a relationship ended, there was obviously something wrong with it. Even when we were away on holiday, he would notice all the girls and then want to use them in his fantasies and even want ME to tell him stories about them and him. It was all so terrible for me, but still I thought maybe I was just to innocent. When we had first started seeing eachother he had said that he knew I was quite innocent as far as sex was concerned but he was so in love with me that he would be happy never to realise his sexual fantasies, because all he wanted was to be with me. Firstly, it was a lie, and secondly, I think he went way beyond what I could have ever imagined. Sometimes I felt more like some kind of prostitute who had to give in to his every whim, without him taking me into consideration, rather than someone he respected and wanted to marry.. It was an awful feeling.

[thali]

I'm so glad you found this forum, it's such a valuable resource and a great place to express your sorrows and frustrations.

 

Everyone on this forum is so kind and supportive. I am so grateful to have found this place and for all your kindness and support.

 

By the way, I think the reason why you stay is that it was all so good in the beginning right? You keep relying on the memories of those beautiful days to sustain the current, very dysfunctional situation. I got over that too, like someone else noted previously, it's almost like these abusers are all one person because their behavior is so predictable. I thought our love was so unique and special, even when I knew to some extent he had said all the same stuff to his previous girlfriend and basically cheated on her too.

 

That's exactely how I feel. He made me feel so special and unique in the beginning, it's almost like a traumatic shock when he began undermining me or getting upset with me for nothing. He often blamed things on my bad mood or said I was shouting. Yes, sometimes I was in a bad mood, but did he even realise what I was putting up with? And yes, sometimes I raised my voice, but it was the only way I could get a word in. He has the capacity to talk non-stop for hours, really it's amazing! And I just had to sit there and listen to all his preaching.

 

Another a reason I stayed was that I thought in relationships we all have to compromise some of our values so I thought I was willing to work with what he was giving me. However, your boyfriend is really violating you and he has already started to undermine your life completely. Please don't settle for this. I was paranoid for a long time that all men are just as sick as he was but I know that's really not true. He may make it seem like 'all men like young women' or whatever else he tries to normalize with you but you have to stand up for your beliefs even if it means being alone. I finally got to that point where I'd rather be alone forever than put up with that kind of garbage. I don't mean to scare you though with talk of being alone forever! I just meant I really had to gather a lot of strength to leave my situation. I'm sure you are a gorgeous and engaging woman who will find the kind of relationship you truly deserve.

 

We were engaged, and I was ready to make so many compromises, because to me getting engaged is not something to do lightly. Yes, that is why I compromised so much, because it was not just a relationship, it was something which was going towards a marriage. I think this is also what makes me feel so bad. I mean we went to visit wedding venues and all.. I even got my mother involved.. I really believed in all this.. I just cannot believe it is over, even now, I just feel like crying most of the time.. how can he care so little about someone he wanted to marry? But maybe this whole marriage thing was a way of hooking me even more, so that I caved in at his every whim? I don't know. He proposed while we were in a LDR and we'd never been more than 2 weeks together at a time. Does that hide something? Should it have been a red flag? Did the fact that he didn't even bother to get me a ring (even a cheap symbolic one) also mean something? Should that have been a red flag? Some of my friends think it should have been, that he thinks he's even so above society that he does not have to follow any traditions.. and who looked stupid when she said she was engaged and was asked to show her ring?

 

There must be some kind of bond that is keeping you in this horrible situation. I thought I could never give up what I perceived to be a pretty incredible sex life and all the fun times we had sharing our interests but all I can say is that simply was not true. Now that I am out of that relationship, all aspects of my life have improved and would never go back to being that young woman I was only 2 years ago. Hugs!.

 

I think I perceive our sex life as really good and in one respect it was, and in an other, it was very abusive because he would push me to do things I didn't want to and not respect the fact that I didn't want to. You know, the terrible thing is, I don't even have any fun times to remember with him except in the 2 first weeks. All he wanted to do was have sex, sleep and go to restaurants, time during which most of the time he would be talking (once after a 2 hour monologue, I started telling a story, after 1 minute he interupted me, said he wanted to leave and got up. I told him that it was very rude not to want to listen to what I was saying after he had been talking all the rest of the evening. Not sure how, but this got turned around and he lectured me out in the street for a whole other hour telling me how horrible I was until I appologised). I remember in past relationships and not all were perfect, otherwise I guess they would not be in the past, we would go for nice walks, or get up early on a Sunday and pick up take away coffee and go and sit by the lake, we would go off for the week-end in a neighbouring town, go to a spa, go hiking in the mountains, go to concerts,.. I never did anything like that with him. He not once asked me what I enjoyed doing and said he would do that with me..

[chitown9]

somehow I missed what is happening with you. You are not with him now; is that correct? Did you go back to your country?...chi

[thali]

Oh and just as kath and meoww predicted, he has not contacted me back. I am not sure if it is out of spite or because he hates me. Anyway, he has a whole fan-club of other girls looking up to him, so what does he need me for.. Am still SO hurt, and just wish the pain could all go away. I am trying to do nice things, go out with my friends, meet new friends, plan travel (also realised that all the time I was with him, when we were on holiday we went to places HE wanted to go and the way HE wanted to do things. We went off in the Spring and I had spent hours looking up information and planning things because he was busy with work, I had everything ready to show him to get his opinion, but he never had time to look what I had done. He came home one day, a couple of days before leaving and told me he had already booked a hotel in a completely different place and that this was how we were going to do it, he did not ask or even consult me and all the hours I had spent were just ignored and wasted).

 

So tired.. I sometimes wish I could curl up in bed and sleep for several months and wake up and find I am rested, healed and all the pain is gone..

[thali]

somehow I missed what is happening with you. You are not with him now; is that correct? Did you go back to your country?...chi

 

Actually I left a while back, before I even started posting on here, but we got back together, broke up, got back together,... for the past several months. When we got back together the plan was that I move back in with him at the end of the year and we would do LDR till then and meet when we could and speak everyday. So even though we were far, he was still very much a part of my life. But this is now one week without contact.. it is really killing me, it hurts so bad.. It is probably for the best, and I am thinking I kept taking him back because the pain of being with him was less great than the pain of breaking up..

[chitown9]

So....are you in the same country where he is now?

[thali]

We're in different places now.. but anyway we are not talking, so it does not make any difference whether we were neighbours or other side of the world..

[chitown9]

We're in different places now.. but anyway we are not talking, so it does not make any difference whether we were neighbours or other side of the world..

 

Yeah, I know what you are saying. I am just ondering if you were able to return to your home country where you have family and friends....

[thali]

Thanks for your concernn Chitown9. I do have a little support, though I am not that close to my family right now because of work.

[nicoleh24]

We still ended up having sex, so he finally got what he wanted. I felt so terrible after that. Not to mention all the fantasies he had. One of the things he would want me to do, while we were having sex, was describe how I had done it with my exes. He said it made him jealous but that was really exciting and turned him on. ....Sometimes I felt more like some kind of prostitute who had to give in to his every whim, without him taking me into consideration, rather than someone he respected and wanted to marry.. It was an awful feeling.

Thats awful Im so sorry. I would have felt totally uncomfortable with that too-especially discussing other females he was fantasizing about?! not cool at all. My guy started acting "bored" with a normal sex life with me after 4 months-and trust me I tried to keep it "creative" and did what he wanted even allowed him to do things completely unpleasurable for me-for him to ask me to watch porn with him. I get it-some couples do taht-but to me I feel insulted like I do all of THIS and I am not good enough?? And once he said he knew of some really "hot" bisexual girl he wanted me to meet so we could have a threesome...he seemed respectful enough when I refused to do those things but I feel like he secretly resents me for it and thats another reason he treats me badly and doesnt value me the way he should-bc Im not "FUN" enough in bed. Its never enough for a narcissist!!!

 

Are you still with him?