Is this abusive behaviour or do I have a problem?

[thali]

Please forgive me for such a long post, I think with all the emotion I got carried away.

 

I was in a long distance relationship for 7 beautiful months, but when I gave up my job and made an international move so that we could live together, everything started going down hill.

 

I moved into his house and to begin with, because I thought we had an open relationship and we were going to make it OUR home, when I thought things could be done differently, I gave my opinion. I very soon stopped, because this always lead to fights, I started to notice that whenever things didn’t go his way, or whenever I questioned he got angry with me. So I ended up adapting to everything about his lifestyle.

 

I did get irritable sometimes, because as much as I adapted to him, he always expected more and said I didn’t fulfill his needs. Life was not easy for me, because from an independent woman with a career, a vibrant social life and friends I’ve known for decades, I was now just sitting at home with nothing to do, no one and nothing in my life except for him. I looked for work, but these things take time, especially when you are in a new country and don’t know where to look. He would just accuse me of not trying hard enough and tell me that anyway my resume was no good because I had had several different activities over the past 10 years, and that I had never struggled or invested in anything in my life and that’s why I could not find a job. When he was not criticizing my career, he would nag me about the clothes I wear, or the way I have my hair. When I would be chattering about something random, he would accuse me of being boring and not stimulating his brain enough. He would also tell me I needed to do sport, because I was fat and had low energy levels, and that there was at least 10 kg of excess fat on me and “wasn’t that disgusting” (I am not skinny, but I am in between a UK 10-12 and everyone has always said I had a good figure) when I said I’d go out jogging, which I like, he just argued for hours what a terrible sport that was and said I needed to do indoor cycling (which I really do not like). He would accuse me of not having food ready for him when he came home, but at the same time, never actually tell me when he would be coming home, sometimes at 7 pm sometimes at midnight.

 

Because he slept all day (he didn’t have to, he just has terrible sleeping habits), we never got to do anything together, even at the week-end, I was in a new place, there were places to explore, it was Spring, every week he promised we’d go for a pic-nic or this nice walk along the river, but in 2,5 months, he was too lazy to ever get out of bed to take me anywhere, he’d just make all these empty promises of all the fun things we would do together. And then, when I would point out all this to him, he would not accept it, he would say no one has ever been so rude to him in his entire life, that any girl would die to be with him, and started accusing me of having serious psychological problems because of my parents divorce and my past relationships. He said he would analyze me, and somehow managed to make me take the entire blame of the relationship problems, he would lecture me for hours and hours every day on what a terrible person I was, and I would just sit there either in silence, or crying and beg for his forgiveness. If I said anything in my defense, he would yell, or slam his fist on the table. I was totally silenced, and because I was away from home had no one to turn to.

 

One fine day, after yet an other fight, and him leaving and slamming the door on me, leaving a note telling me to leave the house key on the table when I leave, I left. Not because I did not love him, but because I was so hurt and had lost any self-esteem I had left.

 

Since that, I’ve regretted, I’ve gone back to him, hoping to make things better, but in between time I also got a job (my self-esteem was so low, I really needed to get back into active life to feel self-worth once more), so we only see each other a week-end here and there. Every time we do see each other, it goes well a while, then it goes bad again. Somehow, he always says that all that goes bad is my fault. He also blames his anger on me, saying that I provoke him. When I fly over to see him, all he has to say is that I only do so at my convenience and that he really had no time to see me, when actually we have always decided together when I would go over.

 

He has told me so often what an awful person I am and that I am so lucky to have him, that I really do believe that I am not worthy of anyone and that I am the problem. Whenever I try to explain something to him, he says it’s my brain justifying my crazy actions, and that even Hitler was able to justify to himself that what he did was right. Am I really such an awful person? Is the problem me or am I in an abusive relationship? I cannot make any sense of this and my brain is completely like mush, I can’t even think straight anymore. Please give me your opinions.

[Moontiger]

You are being emotionally and psychologically abused by this man. Let me put it this way, think about the your best friend if a man was telling her: 1)That she is lazy 2)That is in over weight when she is not 3) Constantly telling her negative things about her clothing, career etc 4) Isolating her from the world 5) Calling her boring 6)Telling her it was all her fault. What would you tell her best friend?

 

This is classic abusive behavior. He is the one with the problem but he is trying to make you think its you with the problem. Please, I am begging you, get away from this man. It will not get better. The behavior will slowly start to escalate overtime and nothing good will come of it.

[Moontiger]

You are NOT a terrible person. This man is. You are someone with friends, family, a career, you have had experience in the world, you cared for someone so much you moved to a new country for them.

 

Why are you with this loser?

[thali]

Thank you Moontiger for your support. I know deep down that you are right, but I invested a lot of myself in this relationship and I really love him, so it is very difficult to let go. I also doubt myself a lot because I was irritable at times while living with him and I know that sometimes I would stand up for myself when I thought he was going too far and I am probably also stuck in my own ways on things and didn't always accept to give in.

 

Over the past few weeks, though, even though we are supposed to be trying again, he seems to find any small thing to hate me about, almost as if he wants to justify a break-up with me, yesterday because I didn't call him all day (I knew he had things planned and didn't want to disturb), a few weeks back after spending a week-end with my family he gave me the silent treatment and said it was over because I got into a conversation where I told him that moving to be with him meant a lot of concessions for me (it's like he's not even interested in hearing how things are for me). I'm just so confused as to why I still love him so much, when it is clear there is no future here..

[thali]

Oh a couple of other things I forgot to mention. He has these expectations of me, which he does not tell me, but when they are not realized, he says it is because I never took the time to know him, when I organize a surprise or a gift, either he takes it for granted or tells me it's not what he wanted and I have no idea how to fulfill his expectations, and it really hurts, because sometimes I go to a lot of trouble to organize surprises for him. At the same time, none of my own expectations are filled, and if I even dare to voice this, I am accused of being aggressive, ungrateful,.. An other thing I wonder about, is that he often talks about his exes, in intimate details, and I really do not want to know that stuff, but he does it anyway, and in the street, he'll see a pretty girl and show her to me and say he's making a mental picture so he can fantasize about her later. I mean I know men do that, but does he have to tell me? I'm ranting, but today again, even at a distance, he somehow pushed me into a situation where I am the culprit and he is the victim of all my terrible behaviour, because I didn't call yesterday, we're 1 year into the relationship, if he wants to call can't he? Or is this a wrong assumption? Are all these things normal?

[Speechace]

Look up emotional abuse. Read all you can and then get out of there. Save yourself now. The inevitable WILL happen. You're wasting your time, as you cannot "fix" him. He is damaged goods.

[kath]

I'm sorry I don't have any good news for you but what I will do is this: I will tell you the honest, brutal truth.

 

What you describe is abuse, plain and simple. The stories you've told, they're all so typical that they made me smile. Not because any of it is funny, no. But because they're all so alike, abusers I mean, it's like they're all the same person. Just read some of the stories here and no doubt you'll see so many similarities.

 

What you described is pretty bad, even though you might not think so. Sure, he hasn't hit you yet, but emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad. It's worse, even, in lots of ways. If someone hits you, you immediately know it's wrong. But if they nag and verbally assault and undermine you and every aspect of your personality for years and years and tell you that it's all your fault, it really changes you inside. You become confused, unsure of yourself, you'll feel weak and not sure what you're supposed to do to earn his respect. You try and try to be "better," but nothing seems to matter.

 

The problem here is that no matter what you do (and you've already done so much to try to please him, way more than any normal person would be expected to do), you can't win. He will never let you win. That's his goal, whether it's intentional or subconscious. To keep you trying and at the same time, isolate you from any support and make you feel like you're weak and like the problem is you.

 

All you can do is decide to stay away before it's too late, before you'll really end up having psychological problems. There is nothing you can do to fix this. You haven't done anything wrong. You have to remember that, and believe it.

 

Do what Speechase suggested: google emotional/mental/psychological abuse. You will see what is really going on and why you feel the way you do.

 

For example: link removed

 

I wish you courage and strength!

[TearsofFate]

He said "any girl would die to be with him". This is an indicator of the exact opposite. No kind, loving, great guy would ever need to say that about himself.

 

He is being incredibly abusive and you know deep down it will continue. These are his true colours and you need to leave him. He is basically damaging every little thing about you because he's too insecure and a jerk. I wouldn't date him and I don't think anyone on this whole forum would either, and he knows it. Because you're dating him and obviously love him, he's using that to his advantage to basically rip you apart. You need to leave him and find yourself a nice, loving caring man, and I know you want that. He isn't it sadly. You can't change him to be that man either.

 

If he's doing so much damage now, imagine what it'll be like later on? It starts with him slamming his fist and being emotionally abusive, and it may very well turn into physical abuse. Stand up for yourself, and don't let this jerk say one more rude thing about you. I know this is hard to here but you need to hear it, at least from someone outside of the situation... He doesn't love you. Someone who loves someone, wouldn't do ONE thing this guy is doing, and he will never ever be happy with any girl if he's like that.

 

Please, please please, do yourself a huge favour and leave him.

 

Try looking at it from a different prespective. If your best friend, told you exactly what you told us on here, wouldn't you look out for their safety, happiness, and interest and tell them to leave this jerk? It's time for you to look out for yourself. Know that any kind, loving man would NEVER say those things. Know this guy is a jerk and just imagine how twisted he must be to say those things? Think about it. Do you really want that?

 

He sounds disgusting. Definitely not what a relationship is supposed to be like. Don't expect him to change either. Really see it for what it really is. Be strong, and know that you are a great person. If he doesn't see it, then there is NO reason why he should have the honour of being with you.

[thali]

Thank you everyone for all your supportive words, it really helps to know it is not just me going crazy. The reason I have a lot of doubts and wonder if maybe I am the one who triggered all this, is because I know I did get irritable at times and I did defend myself, although as time went on, I just became silenced and took all the lecturing and preaching and hoped it would stop sooner than later. Also, he has told me so often that I have deep psychological problems, and that from the beginning my brain has been working hard at breaking the relationship, that I wonder could it be true? I am completely confused about what is reality and what is in my head, I often cannot tell, because all this stuff he tells me is so drastically different to the way I am experiencing and feeling things. I'm not sure how to explain this, but I am usually a very logical and analytical person, but here, now, I just cannot seem to trust my own perception of things anymore, sometimes I almost feel like I'm going crazy, it's actually really scary.

 

I have tried to read about abusive relationships as several of you have suggested and do see the parallels, in fact sometimes I feel like I'm reading my own relationship, but am still obsessed by the fact that maybe I am causing this or maybe I am perceiving it wrong?

[thali]

I think an other thing I just cannot come to terms with, is, if it is indeed not me causing it, and if it is abuse, why would he do this to me? I would do anything for him and always have, I've given him all my love, I just do not understand why? We had such a beautiful life planned out together..

[Moontiger]

thali, abusive behavior like this is not cause by any outside source. In other words, you cannot cause someone to abuse you. His problems are his alone, they come from within him, not from you.

 

Why would he do this to you? Because he has deep psychologically problems! Nothing you did cause this, nothing you can do will solve his problems. Please, I am begging you, leave him.

 

Getting irritable and defending yourself, again, did not cause this! He has been manipulating you, making you think you are the problem, when in reality its his issues. He is doing this to you because he needs to make someone else feel low so he can feel better about himself.

 

Please, for your own safety, get out now.

[kath]

I know how you feel. I know it because I was in a relationship just like yours, I was in it much longer though. I was a normal, well adjusted person before I met him, I had friends, hobbies. I have a college degree, I am not stupid or naive. When I left, I was a wreck. It's taken me a long time to get back to where I was. It's taken me a long time to start loving myself again. I've been in therapy and in support groups and I've spent hours after hours after hours reading up about abuse, about healing, and I've analyzed what happened.

 

This terrible confusion, it's a sure sign. In a normal, healthy relationship, a person feels validated, respected, loved, she can discuss things with her partner to gain more clarity. She feels safe and sound. But like you say, with him, it's so different. You don't feel validated, you feel like you're losing your mind. You think you know what you see, hear and believe, but you're told that you're stupid and you're wrong. You're being told that everything you experience is wrong, and he's the one who knows better. He's smarter, you're not, you have problems so you can't think straight. You're constantly being told that you can't trust your own judgement. Everything you say is questioned and disapproved of. This is called gaslighting. Look it up. It is one of the worst things you can do to a person, I think. Because you really do feel like you don't know what's real and what's not.

 

The mere fact that you're doubting your reality is proof that this relationship isn't healthy for you. But you know what? You can test it out. You can tell what is happening, you can give them the facts, to people who don't know you, and they will tell you what is real and what is not. You did that. You posted it here for us, to ask for our opinions. Several people have told you that you're not imagining it and it's really bad. See, it isn't you. We ALL agree that it's abuse. Not one poster has said that it's normal and the problem is you.

 

It's not true that your brain has been working all the time to end it. How could it be true? From what I read, you've done nothing else but to give up everything in order to take care of his needs. You've been caring and nurturing, and all you've ever wished for is to make it work. You've tried and tried but nothing seems to work.

 

It's actually normal to get irritable at times. I don't wonder because with his treatment of you, you're bound to get irritated at times. His expectations for you are totally unreasonable, like for example when he expects you to have dinner ready, despite not telling you when he'll get back home, or telling you to lose weight (which is abusive too) and then saying that you shouldn't go running. Of course you can get irritated. This is just a sign that your mind is telling you that something is wrong. It's like an alert. But as the abuse continues, your mind gets tricked more and more and the irritation doesn't happen as often. Your mind gets used to him telling you awful things and you start agreeing with him.

 

You did not cause this. It's abusive for him to tell you that you did. He's an adult and he's responsible for his words and actions, NOT your behavior. My ex ended up hitting me and telling me "Look what you did now, it's your fault, you got me so angry that I just HAD TO hit you to end it." It's a lie. Don't believe it for a second that you caused it.

 

As for the why, that's the most difficult question of them all. The truth is that people like him have something wrong with them. Is it genetical, or learned, or caused by something in their childhood, opinions vary. Even the scientists and doctors are not sure and don't agree with each other. But it seems that they just can't live without wanting to control or abuse other people. They might not do it intentionally at first but they quite simply don't feel emotions like we do. They don't care if you're hurt or insulted. They don't see nothing wrong with using any means necessary to keep you under their rule, to keep you only taking care of them and ignoring your own needs. People are like tools to them, to use as they please.

 

I know if feels impossible to believe because he seemed to caring and nice, right, but it's true. A nice person wouldn't do these things to anyone, let alone a person he claims he loves. The nice man he was in the beginning, that wasn't real. What he's now, this is the real guy. This is what it'll be like for the rest of your life, and it gets worse. It's so painful to even tell you this and it'll be so hard for you to face it, but there's no point in denying it. And you can't fix it for him. You can't love him or help him enough to fix him.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this all because it hurts so much to be faced with this but I just want for you to get some more clarity into your situation.

 

Many hugs!

[thali]

This is such a supportive and nurturing forum! Thank you so much for your caring words and understanding. It really helps me make sense of what is going on to share it with you and read your responses. Thank you for taking the time to answer me, it is making a world of difference in the way I feel, even though for now I have not yet taken action.. but just to know that what I am feeling is real, and not all my imagination..

[kath]

You're welcome. Taking action takes time. It won't happen overnight. First you've got to make sense of it, and understand how you feel about it, and plan your next steps. Action comes after that.

 

I have been on the receiving end of the caring and supportive words, both here and elsewhere, and I remember clearly how much it helped. I remember how much it cleared the confusion. That's why I try to do the same for someone else.

 

Keep posting

[fastrunner]

Thali, if you are on here looking for a reason to stay with him, then you won't get one. Everyone is allowed to have bad days and be a bit ratty, its part and parcel of life, what's not ok is this concept of 'kick the dog' ie he takes out his negativity on you.

 

The reason he would do it to you: is because you are there.If its not you, it will be the next woman, or the one after. Abusers don't need you, they need cannon fodder. And when you balk, they are very likely to go and find someone else to burn. It doesn't make you the loser that lost him It makes you smart.

 

You can't fix people, you can't change them, you can't make them love you, they have to want to change themselves. Someone out there will love you spontaneously and you will love them back, but if you continue to let this guy rape and pillage you emotionally, there will be nothing left of you to offer when the next person comes along.

 

Go forth, be strong, travel, enjoy life, laugh. There are 6billion people on the planet. Find a better match.

[thali]

I am not looking for reasons to stay with him, but when I read other stories on here it seems that what I am going through is so mild, so I don't know if it is all in my head. I don't know why I am having so much trouble in just letting go, and instead I just keep trying to be better and closer to what he wants. We spent such a lovely week-end last week, it was just like a dream, but at the same time, he again kept trying to make me jealous with other girls and then said he was only joking, and said he wanted to be in a relationship where he could tell me I was fat and I wouldn't take it baddly. Perhaps I'm over sensitive, but are those the kind of things I should have to listen to for the rest of my life? At times I think it's no big deal, and I am stupid to let it affect me, but at others I feel that if you really love someone, why would you want to tell them something which will hurt them, even if it is true?

[kath]

There is absolutely nothing "mild" about this. You're doubting your reality, you're doubting your judgment and your intellect. Getting someone to doubt every aspect of their judgment is not "mild." It's a serious problem that he has caused.

 

The good days are all a part of this problem. We all have had our good days, when we feel that maybe there is hope for us, maybe they will change. But it's just a part of the abuse cycle. Read up on abuse cycle. Essentially, the good days are what keep us hooked and reeled in. If all the days were awful, it would be easier to leave. But with the good treatment every now and then, we start to wonder and doubt and leaving becomes much harder. Sometimes it seemed to me that he somehow sensed that he has gone too far and that I was ready to leave, and that's when he always seemed nice for a few days. Almost as if trying to prevent me from leaving by being nice.

 

Him telling that he should be allowed to call you names and hurt you and you shouldn't mind, that is completely, utterly outrageous! You're right, you should not tell the person you love something that will hurt her! And it is not even true, you told us yourself in your first post that you're not actually overweight, you're normal! Don't you see what he's doing here? He's totally out of line, outrageously arrogant and hurtful, ON PURPOSE, and instead of apologizing to you and making sure it doesn't happen again, he tells you that he should be allowed to hurt you and you shouldn't mind? With that, he's making it look like the problem is you - that you're too sensitive, and should stop being too sensitive and allow him to hurt you and call you however he wishes. That is just so ridiculous and very very clever. And it's working - instead of being angry with him for a very good reason (what he did is really bad), you're blaming yourself and doubting whether or not he is right about this. Well, he's NOT! He's playing mind games with you and tries to make you responsible for his bad behavior. It IS A BIG DEAL!

 

You can try to be better and closer and do what he wants, and you'll end up being physically hurt, or having serious emotional problems for real. He won't stop this. Clearly, he's enjoying every minute and he's looking for excuses to start doing it even more often ("You should not take it so badly.").

 

Hugs to you thali.

[thali]

Thank you Kath for your kind words, and everyone else. This is such a warm and loving forum..

 

I am sorry for continuuing to post episode after episode on here, but Ireally cannot get round the latest thing that happenned. So as I said, we live in different countries and I moved to his country for a while, but have moved back into my family house now, although we are still together and I've flown to see him the 2 last week-ends. We do spend nice times together and love eachother very much, but still there are times which are very difficult.

 

Today he got a piece of bad news (not tragic news, but a disapointment), and emailed me, after which we exchanged mails and I told him he was the best and thought I was quite sweet and supportive. I was at work, so it was difficult to call, especially long distance.

 

This evening, at the time we usually speak, I emailed him a lively email asking when he's available to talk. Even though it was late for me (we have a time difference), I wanted to stay up to speak with him because he'd had a bad day. One hour after my email, I get an answer from him, and my heart sunk. Here was I in a very lively and loving mood and wanting to talk to him at his convenience and be supportive, and in his email, he was so defensive, telling me he assumed by now I would already be asleep, why did I email him at that time when I knew he was unavailable (actually he changed schedules today so I didn't know), that I could have called or set up a time by email when we could talk (which is exactely what I did when I sent him my emai).

 

The tone of his email was hurtful and I wrote back and told him that he had hurt me. In the whole exchange I stayed very polite, but did not appologise (which is what I usually do and he was probably expecting that). According to him, I should have asked about his schedule, known what he was doing, called at the exact right time for him,.. the exchange ended with an email from him saying I was of no support in his life, and he didn't want to have anything to do with me ever.. I really do not understand how such a silly thing as an email at the wrong time can lead him to basically break up by email with me? Especially that last week-end we saw eachother and had the most romantic time, well there were a few problems, but the Sunday was beautiful!

[Mavh25]

Thali, i'm really sorry for you. I know the knot in your heart and panic you feel when the man you love gets angry at you.

 

He is doing this right now because he can, like you say he knows how you will respond and he likes it that way. What you need to do is not respond to this recent email. Leave it, let him come back to you. Don't follow your usual actions when something like this happens. I know its really hard but it will shock him and you should do it for yourself anyway. Don't play into his hands.

He wants you to beg forgiveness, and admit you were wrong and he was right. Don't.

[thali]

Thank you Grrr.. I will not answer his email and beg for forgiveness as I usually do, I have done it so many times, and then he feels he can treat me however he wants, it is so hurtful and difficult though.. What I really do not get, is that we had exchanged emails during the day, and he had told me that what had happened (him not getting a particular job) was not a big deal. Suddenly, in his email, he is telling me I am not being supportive when something terrible happens in his life. First of all, I was trying to be supportive, but was never actually given a chance to, because he wrote me an aggressive email before we even spoke, in which he was assuming the worst about me (that I had gone to bed without speaking to him), and secondly, why would he tell me earlier it was not a big deal, but suddenly when he wants to find fault with me, this becomes one of the most terrible things in his life? I often feels like he looks for things about me to find fault with. I really do not get it?

 

It's probably over though this time, because, as always, he will not contact me, and usually I am the one who runs after him, but I won't this time. I'm just tired of this pattern, I mean, we were engaged and everything, but when the slightest thing does not go his way or for the slightest fight he says no one's ever been so awful to him in his life and he's way better off without me, and he never wants t see me ever again. He actually said we should go separate ways two weeks after I had quit a job, moved countries, was ready to give up proximity to family and friends, hobbies,... to move in with him. I was so shocked back then, because we were newly engaged and were moving in together. Since then, he's said we should go separate ways at every single fight, and yet he has always accused me of sub-consciously wanting to end the relationship right from the start. It all just hurts me so much, but I need to be strong now..

[kath]

Grrr is absolutely right. He's expecting you to cave in and admit you were wrong and beg for his forgiveness. Here's a bit of Mental Abuse 101 for you: you can't win. He won't let you win, not once. He'll just bend the rules and turn everything around so that it's still all your fault. He's playing mind games. It's like you are playing basketball with him and you're winning, and then suddenly he tells you it's tennis instead and he's always been better at tennis. So that leaves you standing in the middle of the court, thinking "Huh? What?" He's playing mind games on you.

 

But you don't have to apologize and contact him, because you know what? You didn't do anything wrong! You knew he was down, so you wanted to be there for him. You wrote him an e-mail, told him you're ready to listen, you even stayed up late... you did everything a loving girlfriend would be expected to do, even more. Then he suddenly says his schedule has been changed and somehow you've failed him by not knowing that? He accuses you for not ever being there for him, while in reality, that was all you wanted to do that night - to be there for him. You're not psychic - if his schedule did change, he could have just as easily let you know via an e-mail that it was so. Like I said, you can't win. The only way to win is to stop playing his game.

 

Nobody's ever been "as awful as you to him in all his life"? Yeah... because e-mailing someone, telling them that you're there for him, waiting up to hear from them... yeah, that's *so* awful indeed.

 

Stay strong and don't call him.

[Mavh25]

If you think its over, and it sounds exactly like it should be, you have to be sure.. because his personality screams that he will try to win you back when he realises his tactics are'nt going the usual route. He may make you promises and even if you do reconcile if he's already making threats of breaking up and saying you've wanted it from the start he will use this time against you.

You just have to know he won't change.

[thali]

The thing is, he's never once tried too get me back. He's always said he was better off without me. He has not once apologised for his behaviour or seen anything wrong in what he has done to me. Everything that has happenned is my fault, because I make him like that, because I bring out the anger in him, because I am not nurturing and supportive. If only once I try to explain or tell him how he is hurting me, he says I am character assasinating him. I just have never known how to get through to him. In his head, I have gone out of my way to destroy this relationship, to hurt him, to make him out to be a terrible person.

 

I promise you, this relationship, this engagement, this life we had planned together, there was nothing more precious for me and I would have done anything to make it work. I just don't understand how he never saw it. Why he would want to fight for hours lecturing me, why he needed everything to go exactely his way, why he expected me to be so perfect and know without fail all his needs. I changed so much of my lifestyle for him and was willing to do so for the rest of my life so that we could be together. But he never saw it or it was never enough, you are right Kath, there is just no way of winning.

 

I don't think he will come back to me, because he truly believes I am a horrible person. And the thought of that hurts me so much. Never in my life has anyone thought that I was so horrible, and when I tell him this, he says it is because I have a very wrong image of myself, and that actually I am none of the nice things my friends, family and exes say about me, but a horrible horrible person. I know he won't change, and I also know he won't try to come back. The reason he has all these expectations of me is I think because he has no one else in his life, he just cuts everyone out, his exes, his friends, some members of his family, and so maybe, he just expects me to replace the support of all those people all at once, I don't know..

[thali]

A year ago, we were spending our very first days together.. to see what all this has become really breaks my heart..

[kath]

You're not God or a hypnotist, are you? Because if you're just a normal, regular human being then you have no way of making another adult do anything. You don't bring out the anger in him, it's already there, and he just decided to allow it to come out and he just decided to use it against you. As I told you before, it's one of the surest signs of abuse - the abuser tells you that you alone are responsible for their behavior, you "make" them do it. They're like a helpless dummy in your hands and it's your behavior that determines what they say or do. Most abusers tell you that, whether they're male or female, young or old, married to you or not. But it's not true. If anyone's the dummy here, it's you. Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh but that's the way it is.

 

I trust you 100% when you say you've done everything you can and you've tried so hard to make it work. You sound like a very nice and supportive person, actually. And like you said, everyone else tells you that you are nice, it's him alone that says you're horrible. So which is more likely, that everyone else is wrong or that he is wrong?

 

I tried so hard too. There was nothing more important to me than trying to make it work. I gave up my hobbies, my friends, even my family, we only did everything he wanted to do and my only concern was to make him happy. But nothing worked. Like I said, you can't win. He will never let you win.

 

I'll recommend a book to you. I've read quite a few on abuse but this one is best if the abuse you've suffered is mostly verbal and mental and not so much physical: it's "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans. She explains it really well why most victims are struggling with trying to understand why abusers behave the way they do. You said that you don't understand why he never realized how much you tried. I bet he did realize it very well! He'll just never admit it to you, because by admitting it he would also have to say he was unfair and abusive to you when he said you're horrible and unsupportive.

 

Anyway, Patricia Evans explains that you and the verbal abuser live in two different, alternate universes. You live in a normal universe where things work out and where people are nice and most of the time strive to help each other and not cause pain. You assume he lives in the same universe. Then you look at his behavior and his words and nothing makes sense. "How can he not see how hard I tried? Why does he do the things he does to me?" You try to understand it but you can't. You feel guilty and confused and sometimes feel like maybe he is right, maybe it is all your fault.

 

Evans says that his behavior does not make sense in your universe, and that the basic mistake here is assuming he occupies the same universe. While in reality, he lives in a completely different universe where the main goal is to control and manipulate other people and to keep them confused and guessing. If you look at his behavior in that light, what he does makes perfect sense. It's all done to serve his purpose and to meet his goal - which is to make him feel good about himself and keep you guessing and feeling guilty and tending to his needs only.

 

I can almost guarantee you that he doesn't really think you're a horrible person. In fact, he knows very well that you're not, and that you made huge sacrifices to him and his life style. He just can't and won't ever admit it to you because it would mean admitting he treated you badly all this time.