My boyfriend feels guilty about breaking up with his ex...

[brook7lyn]

My boyfriend and I have only been together for a few months. He had been in a long term relationship for 4 1/2 years before we started dating. The last 6 months or so of his relationship was when we met and we definitely hit it off as friends during that time. We work together, so we'd spend every day together. I knew there was more between us, as did he, for a long time; but, neither of us acted on anything because of his relationship. He finally made the decision that he was not in the right relationship for himself (she was almost 15 years older than him, divorced with two kids, who didn't want to remarry or have anymore children - things he does want). After he ended it, he pursued me; but, I said "no" several times. I was worried about being a "rebound" or having people think something was going on prior to his break-up (I didn't want to be seen as "the other woman").

 

Finally, I said "yes", because I really did want to be with him. It was only about a month after his breakup, though. He put 100% into us from the start. We spend all of our time together, we have met each other's families, we hang out with each other's friends, it's everything I want a relationship to be.

 

His ex has occasionally tried to contact him and he has always been 100% honest with me about it. He'll call me as soon as it happens and tell me what went on because he "wants to keep me in the loop". I feel like he respects that this is a situation that makes me feel uneasy (just the close timing of it, I don't feel like he wants to be with her at all). And, it seemed like she had finally stopped trying to contact him and I was totally comfortable with where he and I were...

 

...until the other night when she repeatedly called him (he ignored the calls) and then text him that she needed help and felt suicidal. My boyfriend agreed to see her (it was like 11 o'clock at night). He called me to tell me she was going over, and I was furious. I felt it was inappropriate on so m any levels. After we talked, he understood my feelings and agreed that it was not the right decision for us - he told her so and told her to leave.

 

He explained ot me that he doesn't have feelings for her and doesn't want this to continue, but he carries a lot of guilt about breaking up with her. He was freaked out about her threat to harm herself and he said he'd feel responsible if she went through with anything like that. He also said, if she didn't have children he probably wouldn't feel this way, but he doesn't want their lives to be screwed up.

 

This is my boyfriend's first break-up. I really respect that he's such a good-hearted person that he does feel guilty (it's hard to hurt someone you once cared for and I get that). I also really do trust him and know that he's always been honest with me and I know he loves me and wants to be with me. He has repeatedly told me he chose me, he loves me, that was not the right relationship for him, etc. etc.

 

For some reason, though, I still feel really insecure about our relationship after her latest stunt. Not that i think he wants to be with her, just that I'm not sure he's 100% emotionally with me...I don't know what to do or how to act. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel or let him sort through his emotions without piling on mine, too.

Advice?

[lavenderdove]

He needs to understand that those kinds of suicidal threats with an ex are extremely manipulative. she is pulling out all the stops to get him back and doesn't care what it takes. She's a mother and obviously selfish here because is thinking about herself and not her kids if she is threatening to kill herself. And if she is indeed emotionally damaged enough to try to klil herself, then she needs to be under the professional care of a doctor and not your BF.

 

So he needs to get the number of a suicide hotline and give it to her if she calls, and also the name of a psychiatrist and tell her to call the doctor for help. And that if she is imminently going to do it, he will call 911 to have them come get her. She needs to understand that he will not see her because of these threats, and that he takes them seriously and will not be swayed by them, but will call 911 if he thinks she is suicidal.

 

And if there are kids involved, perhaps social services needs to know she is making these threats so they can intervene and get the family therapy. He is not responsible for her suicidal behavior, she is full in control of that, and if it threatens her kids, then social services needs to be involved to take care of it.

 

I don't think this is about him not being 100% with you, it think it is about him having a desperate and emotionally unstable ex who is willing to threaten him with suicide to try to control him, and he doesn't know what to do about it. No one wants to feel responsible or guilty, and she is playing on that, but the truth is that this is a sign that she needs to get help, not that he needs to go back or get enmeshed with her. I don't think he wants to be with her at all, he just is upset by this, and it is indeed upsetting.

 

Some people who threaten this are serious, and some are just manipulative. But next time she threatens it, the appropriate response is for him to call 911 and have them sent to her house, and to call social services if he feels the kids are being impacted. That will get her the help she needs. And if she's just being manipulative, then she will learn that all these threats will get her is a visit from 911 and social services rather than his attention, and she'll stop.

 

Here is some good advice on how to handle it:

 

link removed

 

I think that this is only a real problem in your relationship if he refuses to turn it over to the professionals and instead still keeps seeing her. If he does that, then i'd break up with him because he is not doing what is right for her, the kids, or you.

[brook7lyn]

Thanks for the response! After her latest stunt, he immediately called me and told me he loved me. He said as soon as he walked outside to meet her, he realized I was right and this was all just a ploy to see him. I just know he's still emotionally confused about her behavior and how much he's responsible for it and I don't know how to be supportive of him, without making myself feel insecure that he has emotions being taken up by her, y'know? I'm just worried we rushed things, but when I offered to give him space to sort through things and take a step back from us, he didn't want that to happen. He agreed we went fast, but he said this is where he wants to be...?

[lavenderdove]

I would not take it as a sign he didn't want you if what he is trying to do is fend off a suicidal/manipulative ex. I've had a stalker type before and they are extremely hard to get rid of and put all kinds of emotional pressure on you to try to force you back again. If he's a good guy and feels guilty, then he's putty in her hands, up until he is able to truly grasp that he is not helping by giving in to this, and that she is wrong to try to coerce him into a relationship he doesn't want for himself.

 

So focus on telling him that he shouldn't feel guilty because he has a right to break up with someone, and if she is sick enough to threaten suicide, then she needs professional help whether that is 911 or a call to social services if he thinks her behavior is threatening her children's welfare in any way. He can't fix her, and he certainly didn't marry her so is in no way obligated to stay chained to her for life because she wants him to. The sooner he refers her to a professional and totally breaks contact with her, the sooner she will get better. He needs to understand that and act accordingly.

 

This really has nothing to do with you and your relationship, other than it being the fallout from getting involved with someone with an unstable ex shortly after his breakup. He may have wanted to break up for a long time but feared this, so he may have been ready, but she obviously doesn't want to let go, and if she won't, then he should just refer her to professionals, and change his phone number if necessary to stop this.

[sunnz]

He is not over her...as much as he says he is...because this sounds like you are a case of rebound plus he has GIGS...unfortunately I see that when the ex eventually gets her act together emotionally...he will want her back...He has not had any time to himself to truly move on as he went straight into another relationship...so he is emotionally comfortable...

 

4 1/2 years is no small relationship...there is history between them...and only because he has a new girlfriend that he doesn't feel the loss...yet...one month is not enough time to go straight into another relationship...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is not over her...as much as he says he is...because this sounds like you are a case of rebound plus he has GIGS...unfortunately I see that when the ex eventually gets her act together emotionally...he will want her back...He has not had any time to himself to truly move on as he went straight into another relationship...so he is emotionally comfortable...

 

4 1/2 years is no small relationship...there is history between them...and only because he has a new girlfriend that he doesn't feel the loss...yet...one month is not enough time to go straight into another relationship...

 

I completely agree with this. Also, I have to wonder about his own emotional stability that he chose a woman 15 years his senior, with children and knowing that she didn't want marriage and no more children. Then, he chose to remain in the relationship until he had someone else lined up so that he could immediately bounce out of one and into another. I think this man is needy and dependent.

[lizzie27apr]

Its great that he is being honest with you. Most men when put in a situation like this tend to either make the most of it or run away from responsibility. He is owning upto things which you should appreciate. But at the same time you should make him realise that an ex is just an ex. Now that he loves you , your feelings should be of priority. Many relationships in life don't work out and when eventually it ends it both are equally responsible. Try to get that guilt out of him cause using that she can manipulate him and hurt you too. If he doesn't understand all this then you need to think of other things.

[DN]

I think it is good that he is concerned about her and don't see it as a negative at all. If he doesn't want to hurt her chances are he won't hurt you either because the way he tells you what is happening is a strong indicator about his intentions.

 

i agree he needs to make it clear that it is over with her and he should not be manipulated by her threats of self-harm but that doesn't mean he is some sort of wimp. There are always people who advise leaving a relationship unless everything is perfect but I think you should give him a chance and see what happens.