Insight, please

[Doofus]

So... here's the situation. My ex and I were friends for a long time before we 'got together'. I ended it, I thought on good terms, around nine months ago. The romantic part of our relationship lasted only a couple of months. I do know she was really hurt, but we stayed in e-contact (we live far apart - one of the reasons I ended it) until recently. I sometimes told her I'd like to talk about getting back together; she said she was too afraid of getting so hurt again and so I respected that. About two months ago, I noticed that there was a change in our communication, and, in particular, she was not initiating and was short. I kind of got - without her being explicit - that she wanted some space and so I decided not to initiate contact myself. After a month of her not contacting me, I sent her a text to which she replied. The next day I sent another which generated a conversation in which she told me she didn't want any contact, that we needed to get over it somehow, implying that she wasn't. I told her that I while I wasn't too happy about it, I would honor that. I found out a couple days later that she had started seeing someone. Now, I knew that she was going to move on eventually. Of course, I'm kind of bummed, but I do want her to be happy and I also think that I could be friends with her even if she is involved with someone else. We don't see each other and I don't know why an email or text occasionally is problematic. I sent her an email asking her why she hadn't just told me that she had a boyfriend and she replied saying that her need to not have any contact with me was independent of her seeing someone new. I sent one last email saying I loved her, that I was sorry I'd hurt her and that I'd respect her need for NC. That was three weeks ago. I'm pretty broken up about not being friends with her anymore. I know she's friends with her other exes as am I. I've thought hard about our situation and I think that, because we only communicated electronically post break up there were some misunderstandings. I'd really like to take a shot at straightening those out, as I would with anyone else, but I promised her NC, saying I would honor it because I loved her, which is true. So I really can't end NC now, I don't think. Anyway, I don't understand why we can't be friends, especially since it seems she's moved on (and why would she say it has nothing to do with her new bf.... if nothing else she could have lied and said it did, that certainly would have made it easier. That just left me feeling that there was something else I did that I could possibly correct or that she's just using the new bf to get over me, but it isn't working... sheez, I don't know)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like she got very hurt. It is very possible that she had feelings for you for a long time and was very happy when the two of you became a couple...and then you ended the relationship before it really had the chance to get off the ground. She is preserving herself by not wanting to be friends with you any longer. It was your decision to break up and she had to respect that decision....it is her decision not to want to continue a friendship with you...you need to respect that.

[catfeeder]

Read more posts from people around here who've been dumped. Most are not of the mind to play friendzies with their ex. The ex needs to respect that and avoid being intrusive. It's not a good idea to stick around and try to 'heal' the person you've dumped--or to expect the one you've dumped to stick around to try to heal you, either.

 

The whole point of a breakup is to break what is no longer beneficial. If there's ever a time in the future to reconnect and form a different kind of relationship, then the right time for that will become apparent. Straight out of a breakup is never the time for that.

 

Head high, and move forward.

[learning2relax]

It may be hard for her to reconcile that you were not willing to maintain a relationship with her due to distance.....you weren't invested enough in the relationship to overcome this. And now that it isn't a factor, you are interested. In other words, she didn't mean enough to you for you to work with the distance factor. So after breaking her heart, why should she believe that you are feelings are genuine? Who is to say that if there wasn't another issue that came up that you wouldn't see this as something to focus on and use as a reason for distancing or worse, breaking up? How does she know how you truly and genuinely feel about her? Why was distance a reason then? Are you sure it wasn't something else? Are you being honest with yourself?

[Doofus]

Thank you for the responses. L2R, you're right, distance was not the reason, though it was one of them. I guess my issue/question is this: Say she is a reader of these boards and is following the advice so often proffered here: NC until I offer what she's looking for. I am interested in that, but I would be risking a lot to give it to her. If things didn't work out, I would have lost a lot. So, I'm not eager to make that offer without a period of time during which we try things out to see if we really could make it as a couple. In any case, I don't even know if she would say yes if I made that offer, or any offer. I've promised to honor her need for NC, but if we talked some maybe we could work things out. We have a chance, but I feel we've backed ourselves into a corner. If I break NC, it just shows that I don't really respect her and her needs. If she breaks it she might be afraid it shows she's weak and that I will just take advantage of that. I don't know if I'm being clear.... I guess the bottom line is this: dumpers can be just as conflicted and miserable as the dumpees. I sure am.