I just don't know what to do

[Bacchus8408]

I have been with my fiancé for two years now and i am lost. I love her very much and I know she loves me. I wish it was that simple. She comes with a lot of baggage. To begin with there is the medical. She has diabetes, RA, a thyroid condition, ADD, depression... The list goes on and on. Her diabetes is my major concern with her health. She swings from dangerously low sugar to dangerously high and back 3 or 4 times a day. She knows how bad this is for her but won't do anything to help it. She eats terribly unhealthy and loads up on the sweets. I had to take her to the hospital the other day because her sugar was too high. When we got home the first thing she did was open a second bag of oreos (she ate the first bag before going). She forgets to take at least one of her 9 meds almost every day. I understand medical problems. We all have our own. But she doesn't seem to want to be healthy and I feel like a jerk for judging her on her health.

 

She also comes with emotional baggage. She was adopted and thus has an abandonment complex. And she was raped in high school (10 years ago) and is still highly traumatized by this. If we are watching a movie or tv and there is a girl who is in distress, she has a panic attack. She is always tired. She works a 5 hour day, comes home and naps for three hours, watches 3 hours of TV and then sleeps until morning. She hates her job (server) but won't change. She is a fantastic cook and was offered a job in the kitchen but turned it down. Then she was offered assistant manager and again turned it down. She is one class away from getting a BA but for the past 3 years will not take it.

 

Before we lived together we would go out all the time. Usually the two of us and sometimes with my friends, but never with her friends. I didn't really notice it at the time but looking back it's clear. But after moving in together we stopped going out. When ever I propose we do something she is always too tired or sick or there is some other excuse why we can't go.

 

I am a very social person and I need to be around people. She doesn't. If my friends would invite us out, I would have to come up with an excuse why we couldn't go. But it doesn't stop there. While she never says "you're not allowed to go out" she cries if I say I'm going out with friends. I end up staying home so as not to hurt her. But that means my friends are withering. I haven't seen my best friend in 3 months.

 

What makes this worse is that she used to be a cutter in high school. One night last week I went to a coworkers house to work on a presentation. She was crying when I left and when I came home she had a razor on the table staring at it.

 

I have brought all this up with her and she says she will change. But I've yet to see any kind of change. I am not at all happy in this relationship. But at this point I'm afraid that if I try to break up with her, she is going to do something drastic. It's pretty clear that we need to break up but I can't bring myself to do it knowing what she might do to herself.

 

Please somebody, anybody give me some imput as to what I should do. I'm at my wits end.

[DN]

You must not stay with her because of what she might do. I think you should tell her family that you are leaving her so they can be there for her and then leave. If she threatens to harm herself then call the police.

 

You should not sacrifice your happiness for her - get her all the help you can but she is not jour job to save.

[Raspberry85]

You can't heal someone elses hurt. Sounds like you staying enables her to stay sick.. do you think you might be in a codependent situation? At the end of the day, your happiness is important. I hear you are concerned but I agree with DN, you should tell her family she needs their support. Its not your job to sacrifice your happiness for her to stay sick.

[leaningpixie]

Please somebody, anybody give me some imput as to what I should do. I'm at my wits end.

 

I know how hard it is when a person is always sick, however... a relationship doesn't break down because of one person only... any idea what's your own contribution to it? Because your contribution is the only thing you can change

[DN]

BPD is overly diagnosed and actually affects only about 1 - 2% of the population.

[DN]

Let's not turn this and other threads into monologues about BPD - it seems to be getting to be a habit.