We're "bad at sex"

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I am in a long-distance relationship (dating, then living together for a few years, recently LDR for grad school). Let me preface this by saying that my gf was a virgin (completely) before this relationship, and I had have several (less than five) partners where everything but sex went down, despite it being offered (sad but true, nothing to be proud of but it might speak to a bigger problem on my end).

 

This relationship has gone well is seemingly every way, but our sex life is the weak link in our relationship. When I say sex life, I really mean the actual intercourse. Our sexual life was easy in the beginning, as I was able to easily get off my girlfriend orally or manually, and despite being together for over five years, this still works really well (I love going down on her, and she still loves it as long as I mix it up from time to time).

 

When it comes to actual sex, there are multiple problems (WARNING THIS MAY BE GRAPHIC!). The first problem is that we have a difficult time actually starting, as even if the gf has just gotten off multiple times, she is very tight. I am not a tiny guy and I even if she is soaking, it is still hard for me to get in easily. I also seem to have a very shy little guy, or otherwise mild erectile dysfunction, as the difficulty getting in often leaves me in a state when I am full-size, but I don't have the rigidity to hit her g-spot or otherwise do anything than slide in and out. While she says that she can't even tell, I know that when I am fully hard the sex seems much better on her end. A similar problem occurs when she gets on top, I cannot stay hard enough to actually let her ride me (I stay at full size, but once again lose the hardness, often this leads to a bend during one of her thrusts which puts me out of commission). I assume she would prefer to be on top rather than myself, even if I make efforts to hit her gspot correctly with my slight upward curve. Anyways, this has led to her never actually having a vaginal orgasm during sex (I have been able to manage a clitoral orgasm during intercourse by using my hands as well, but never a gspot orgasm).

 

We have dealt with some issues, such as the rigid expectancy of nightly sex (not every night, but rather, we feel that we should be having sex on certain nights, and its kind of forced). This has helped, as we more often have intercourse in the morning which is much more passionate, but I still can't get her to climax from her gspot. While I don't have a problem lasting, whenever she does seem to actually get close to a gspot climax, I get way overexcited (that this will finally be the time) and have difficulty keeping the pace that was working for her, or climax myself before she can get there.

 

So basically I feel as if this is all my fault, as I seemingly have erectile dysfunction when it comes to actual sex (I should be proud of my size, but I just can't keep it hard unless I am on top and/or thrusting). She feels as if it is all her fault, as she has never had another partner. These feelings of inadequacy on her end are due to her difficulty in getting me to climax manually or orally (less than 5 times in as many years). This always seems to be in the back of our minds, and it is corrupting this amazing relationship we have.

 

Our non-sexual relationship is amazing. We have lived together for years (before the recent LDR), we are clearly "best friends," and if it wasn't for this sexual issue I would propose in an instant (this isn't because I need more out of sex, but rather the frustration of our frustration over this). I mean, we rarely fight (although fighting is healthy sometimes, I am resolved to never let us "go to sleep mad at each other"), there is no history of infidelity (we are both healthily clingy and jealous, neither apathetic nor psycho-jealous). I mean, I don't want to go on and on for reasons of anonymity, but disregarding our sex life it seems to be the perfect relationship.

 

So, basically:

She feels that something is wrong with her sexually (I disagree)

I feel that my penis not staying hard all the time is the actual cause of these issues

And both of us have this in the back of our minds, which literally made us break down after one sexual experience and say "why do we suck at this?"

 

How can I solve this problem/relationship other than risking my life by taking ED drugs?

 

I know the first response is going to be, "you're foreplay is terrible, she isn't turned on enough, etc." And while I completely understand the urge to post that, you just have to trust me that this cannot be the reason. She asks me to go down on her in non-foreplay situations, and I am always desperate to get down there when we are clearly preparing for sex. My gf can be soaking post-climax and these problems still present themselves. I need to salvage this perfect relationship before this drives us apart (even more stress for great sex when its LDR, as when we meet its expected to be sex multiple times a day).

 

Another comment I have gotten is "girls shouldn't expect to have gspot orgasms during sex." I understand this is true, but the orgasm notwithstanding, its rare to get her screaming and moaning simply from intercourse, which would be enough to make me happy (I don't NEED her to climax to have self-worth, just know that she actually enjoys what is going on.)

 

Any advice please, men or women.

[elcie]

The overwhelming feeling I get from this post is that you are SO obsessed by the physiology of sex that you are forgetting the psychology of sex.

 

Remember......you LOVE each other!!!! That is the important thing!!

 

You are unable to keep hard enough because you seem to be experiencing "performance anxiety" You are both convincing each other that you are "bad" at sex, and you are totally missing the point! If you are having sex and expressing your love for another person, then you cannot be bad at it!

 

Stop worrying about it....it is only making it worse. If you just relax and start trusting each other, the technique will come in time. Don't let this become a major issue! What you feel for each other is special and worth the patience and trust that, in time, you will develop the intimate relationship that you both desire.

[overcorrect]

You're way over-thinking it. If you are concerned, see a doctor that specializes in such issues. The AMOUNT of words you typed would lead many to believe that it's far from you two being bad at sex and more likely that you two are over-thinking the hell out of it all.

[greywolf]

First, it is unreasonable to expect her to orgasm from intercourse. Not every girl can orgasm from it. And when you make her feel like she should be getting an orgasm from it and you two are doing something wrong, it puts a lot of pressure on her, which is an instant turn off. Has she actually said that she is unsatisfied by the sex? If not, just enjoy the moment, and give her a chance to explore her body without the pressure. Tell her that you think she is just as hot and sexy regardless of whether she orgasms or not.

She may orgasm someday, but it usually takes some practice and getting used to the feeling of something inside of you.

 

Like the others have said, I really think that you're just over-thinking it. My ex and I had the same problems (difficulty having intercourse because half the time it wouldn't fit, I couldn't orgasm from intercourse, he had a difficult time staying erect unless he was controlling everything - which meant no girl on top), and for us it was never an issue.

[InvisibleWound]

I rarely can orgasam from sex. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it and to keep trying. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, living together for over 4. But what I have read here it sounds like you both really love each other and I wouldn't want to see sex issues drive apart a great love/relationship.

 

Be open, comminicate, work together on improving. You could always see a doctor, and ya never know there could be a technique instead of a drug for ED?

 

Then again though this could be a "nerves" situation, you both feel like your doing a bad job. Try having sex with a clear mind and don't think of what could happen and see where it goes.

 

I have never had this issue with my boyfriend, other then our first time he went limp a few times, but it was my first time not his and he had a lot of anxiety. I think in time your sex life can and will get better.