8 months pregnant and completely heartbroken

[Samantha2150]

I really need help on this. I have never been more heartbroken, lost, and alone.

 

Me and my ex fiance had been together 4 years. He is 34 I am 24. Its been rocky, but we truly loved one another, the good times were like a fairytale but the bad were like a nightmare. He had a great job at Ford and was doing well for himself when I met him, then I discovered he suffered from bipolar after he had a really bad manic episode. Lost his job, went into bankruptcy, was hospitalized for a while. I stood by him through him it all, as scary as it was. 3 years later he has another really good job and we are expecting our first baby. He went off medication a month ago and began drinking heavily. He's always had a problem with alcohol. I asked him slow down the drinking, but not stop completely, as I know he can never do that, and he's fine if he just drinks a little. He kept saying he would do better and that I was right, he was drinking too much, but he never did anything about it. He would come home and drink and talk about how much he hated his job. Pass out on the couch.

 

I started seeing some other signs in him, irritability, loss of sleep, we weren't having sex, at all, and our sex life has always been really good. Of couse I brought these things up to him in concern, but he would never talk about it. Like a brick wall. After he drank for 6 nights straight (I was 6 months pregnant at the time) I basically told him if he didn't limit his drinking I was leaving. I NEVER expected him to be ok with that, and I really did not want to leave at all, I was trying to shock him into realizing that his family is what is most important. Instead he loaded me up in a rental car and acted like I was just going to visit my parents for a bit. I was angry that he was totally disregarding how serious I was about his drinking. Angry that he couldn't sober up for our new baby. I said some angry things via text and didn't talk to him for a few days.

 

Then it was like he completely snapped while I was gone. I called him one night from my parents to see if we could work things out, and he accused me of killing my baby, trying to kill him, stealing all his money, cheating on him, you name it. I could tell he was manic, and very drunk. He spent all our savings in THREE DAYS. He was yelling on the phone, saying how he loved his son and he was the only one who could protect him. After that, he refused all my calls, said he didn't want to be around me. Said I wasn't welcome at *his* house (we r both on the lease). So I got on a plane and went home, knowing he had no one there that knew his history and could help him, hoping that by seeing me and talking to me, he would come back long enough for us to get him help. He was very violent on the phone so for me and my babies protection I had two cops at the house when I arrived, as he had stated he wouldn't let me in if I did come home, but my name is on the lease. The police talked to him, but he packed a bag and left without so much as a glance in my direction. I went into the house only to find it completely trashed and condom wrappers everywhere. I was DEVASTATED. I cannot describe the pain I felt at that moment. I worked so hard on our little home and we had so many plans for baby. He had thrown me away in 2 weeks time. Been with other women. Erased the due date countdown on the calendar. A woman's handwriting was on a few dates on the calendar saying, "Lexi came for a visit". He took everything out of our bedroom and wrote on the wall in the baby's room, "nevermind * * * * * * * ". It was horrifying.

 

That night I packed what I could fit into my truck and drove home. Being in the house we shared so many intimate moments was haunting. I called him crying and he was out at a loud bar, asking some woman if she wanted to say hello. I hung up. My heart is crushed. He sent a text saying I was mentally unstable and he couldn't be around me anymore.

 

This, from a man who said he would never betray me and my son, that he would support us and take care of us, who was so affectionate and thoughtful and loving and kind. We did everything together. He told me what a good mom I would be, all the time. Told me how happy he was I was there with him. He went from this...to telling me I didn't care about my baby, calling me a rotten skank, threatening me with lawyers, and much, much worse. Emotionally, I am worn down to nothing.

 

I now have absolutely no money and no one will hire me being 8 months pregnant. I'm living with my parents, depressed and heartbroken everyday. My ex has sent me a handful of texts since I left. Most of them extremely nasty and hateful (he was really pissed I took the big screen tv with me when I left) Since then I've gotten these texts:

 

WHERE IS HE (referring to baby I'm guessing)

U in town

Is he ok?

 

I haven't replied to any of them. I usually get them in the evening, when I know he's been drinking. I don't even know if he's still at the house or still has his job. All the bills are past due and I've received shut off notices for the water and gas. Its been two weeks since I packed my things. I miss him so much, even though he did terrible things to me. Having a baby on the way....what do I do? Do I attempt to contact him? Or leave him alone? Its clear I can't help him. All I can think about are the plans we had for the baby room, the things we wanted to do together...now its all gone. And I keep seeing him with different women on our couch, in our home. Its ripping my heart out. At this point I'm not putting him on the birth certificate. My heart aches for my son.

[thejigsup]

My dad was a drunk and my childhood was a living nightmare. Alcoholism is a disease that needs treatment, most alcoholics don't just "drink less" for very long. Please think of your son and stay away from this guy until he gets treatment for this. You don't want your child to grow up resenting you for staying with the guy. I just did a thesis on this very thing and almost every adult child of an alcoholic I inverviewed, and I interviewed plenty of them, resented their mother to some extent. Don't do this to your child.

[bulletproof]

Do not contact him. He has to help himself. There is no way he can be a good boyfriend, let alone a good father, in the condition he's in right now. I know it is hard, but at least you have your family and you somewhere to be. Hang in there.

[chamomile]

I can't imagine what you must be going through. If it helps at all, you are totally in the right, and you deserve comfort and love

right now more than ever, being pregnant. What this guy is doing to you is inhuman. Being broken up with is bad enough, after

you clearly put up with a lot of character defects and helped him with his mental issues. And he does this? It's so insanely wrong in so many ways.

First of all, cheating on you!? And while you are pregnant!? Not to mention engaged! And the destruction of your material goods, at a time like this?! I don't think the English language has words to describe him...lots of expletives come to mind.

There is no excuse or reason or logic to his behavior. Even if he doesn't like you all of a sudden, it is his child, so for selfish reasons, he should care. He sounds like a sociopath.

You are so wise to be geographically separated from him. Even though it is so difficult, because you need him to be who you thought he was.I know how it is-to feel like you just need to see him, and talk to him, to understand and resolve it because it is so crazy.

But it would most likely mean just more ongoing mental assaults and attacks. He should be taking care of you and making this Easier. He is doing the opposite, and you are so smart to have made the decisions you have made so far.

Take a deep breath, you are doing the right thing. Talk about it, write about it, call a help line if you want. Message me if you want to. Cry if you feel like it.

When you are calm or releasing some of this stress, it helps the baby to be calm, and then he will be better at handling stress later in life, just like his mother! Look up sociopathy if you feel like it. You are doing the most reasonable thing possible here.

[tresqua]

Instead he loaded me up in a rental car and acted like I was just going to visit my parents for a bit.

 

I don't get why you allowed him to 'load you into a rental car' and sent you to 'go visit your parents for a bit'. Did you even atempt to say something like ' screw you I'm not going anywhere' or did you just hop in the rental car and drive away? It's like he has or at least he had complete control over your every move. I know its a minor point but it seems you just let him get away with anything with no consequences and someone like that needs guidelines from a more stable person who has influence over them, and the only person who could do that is you.

[Samantha2150]

I don't get why you allowed him to 'load you into a rental car' and sent you to 'go visit your parents for a bit'. Did you even atempt to say something like ' screw you I'm not going anywhere' or did you just hop in the rental car and drive away? It's like he has or at least he had complete control over your every move. I know its a minor point but it seems you just let him get away with anything with no consequences and someone like that needs guidelines from a more stable person who has influence over them, and the only person who could do that is you.

 

Actually, I left him a note saying if he didn't stop drinking every night I was going to my parents. I honestly thought time apart would help him to see the forest for the trees. He didn't 'load me up', bad phrasing there...I packed all my stuff and took the initiative, but he came home from work early and took me to get a rental car without mentioning the things I said in the note or addressing the gravity of the situation. Being pregnant, I did get a bit more worked up that usual. I honestly needed some time away. Did I expect to call him a few days later and be told that I wasn't welcome back at our home and he would call the police if I showed up? Hell no. Would things be different if I had stayed? Maybe. But being in a relationship where you can't leave for a few days without the other person throwing themself off an emotional cliff or cheating is just ridiculous. I'm not his babysitter. He should have manned up and said, 'I don't want you to go, you and the baby are more important to me than drinking, I will get help' but he never did.

[Samantha2150]

Thank you for the reply. It helps to talk to people and know I am still sane. Even though I was only around him for a few weeks while he was extremely manic, its difficult when the person you loved and trusted more than any other tells you that you are mentally unstable, that its all you, that YOU'RE the one screwing everything up. He never got physical with me, but the mental and emotional abuse is almost just as painful, as stupid as that may sound. Its so hard to understand how he can go from so caring and attentive to completely void of any emotion towards me or the baby. He acts as if the baby is completely separate of me, like he's born already...does he not realize that what he puts me through, he is putting his son through as well? But then again I have to keep reminding myself that I'm dealing with someone with a mental illness. Its difficult when he is so successful and stable in other ways...he has a mechanical engineering degree, excellent people skills, is well-spoken...it just boggles my mind how someone can completely lose it like he did.

 

No attempts from him to find out how I am. When I last talked to him, I told him I had no way to see a doctor (out of state insurance) and was in danger of having to go to a maternity home. He still told me not to come home. I sent so, so many texts begging him to work this out for the sake of our son, so he could have a happy home with mom and dad. He would never respond. Its like a switch with him...he can turn it on and off. And I just can't live with that. Even after some of the hateful things he said and did, I was willing to work it out, forgive him, seek counseling. But after seeing our home wrecked and the concrete evidence of other women he'd been screwing...that was it for me. I'm done. I just wish the pain would go a way.

[Samantha2150]

My dad was a drunk and my childhood was a living nightmare. Alcoholism is a disease that needs treatment, most alcoholics don't just "drink less" for very long. Please think of your son and stay away from this guy until he gets treatment for this. You don't want your child to grow up resenting you for staying with the guy. I just did a thesis on this very thing and almost every adult child of an alcoholic I inverviewed, and I interviewed plenty of them, resented their mother to some extent. Don't do this to your child.

 

I will keep that in mind. His father was an alcoholic, and his mother stayed with him 'for the sake of the kids'. I've never believed in that. I think part of his anger is that I left him because of his drinking problem. He grew up around women who didn't have enough backbone to leave. However, he thinks his father was a great dad, despite being an angry, delusional, anti-social drunk who drinks 24-7. And he thinks his mom is a saint for staying with him. I just don't get it. Does he not realize he's screwed up now because of how his mom and dad interacted?