another what is the dumper thinking thread..AKA.why do breakups make us go crazy

[hopelessincan]

I keep seeing people here saying that a dumper won't leave if they love you. How many of you truly agree with this statement? Can it not be that you are just so frustrated and need to back off?

 

I have been to this site before, and I am back again with another heartbreak. This one was different (dont we always say that?) We had so much spark and passion, wanted the same things, same views, same sense of humour, same personality. We were both truly happy. A week ago he told me how happy he was with me, how he appreciated me and all I do for him...and it was the first time in a while that he initiated such a heart felt conversation. He is not the type to speak his emotions, rather he would show it.

 

I was so happy. He left the following morning (sat) and I thought we had plans later that day with him and his son.... Well I called him and no answer. So I let it go. The next day he called, I missed it and then did not hear from him until the next day,,..... we joked about playing phone tag and how it had been forever since we spoke and well I guess I pushed it too far, because I guess I guilted him and he hung up. We argued a bit but were ok I thought. The next day I called him and told him I needed help with something urgently. He was still angry but came anyway. (that should have been my first clue that he cared). He helped out but didnt talk much.

 

To add to the story, I have been depressed with my life these days, and the most recent trigger was losing my job, and worrying about paying my mortgage. I focussed everything on him. (he doesnt realize to what extent). No excuse, but just a mention. He had been so supportive, so the lack of or minimal contact was harder to bear.

 

Long story short, we got in a huge fight. I tried to tell him how I was feeling, but he wanted no part of it, as to him I was trying to make him feel guilty. That was not my intention. He wanted to leave so i took his keys. Of course he flipped. I finally gave them back and knew we were done. (wasnt the first time, but Ive told him there is some way that we have to compromise with this - he hates being/feeling trapped and I have a slight abandonment issue). I would panic when he would up and leave and think he was never coming back). He would up and leave so he didnt say anything he regretted. I could live with that, but it wasnt just for an hour or two, sometimes it could be days. I'm well aware of my issues, and have been trying to work on it, but obviously not hard enough. We were both aware of each others fears and even used to joke about the cycle we created.

 

So, I left him alone till sunday. I called him, he answered but wanted no part in talking to me and did not want to see me. I begged him to come over but he said he was going to sleep soon and hung up. So I called back and he said "please dont do this again, you have no idea what this is doing. Please dont make it worse".

 

So I left him alone again. So wednesday I get an email from him offering me some of his furniture. So, what I say to myself..is this his way of coming back? This is typical of him. Sending me random emails or texts, then we start talking again, saying he doesnt want to discuss the argument and then we start again mostly avoiding talking about it and carry on. So this is what I read into his email. This time I waited a few hours to respond and finally just say yes that I want them and to let me know when he is available. He responds anytime and to tell him when and he will be home. So I dont respond.

 

Yesterday, I got a stupid idea to show up at his house...well he wasnt home. Call him when I get back home, he answers on speaker in the car and turns out he picked up his son early. 30 second convo and we hung up. I do think he answered because part of him wanted to hear from me, but knew that with his son there we couldnt get into any deep conversation.

So do I leave it alone? heck no. Send him an email asking if I can come by later. Not surprised, no response. So call him, no answer. Send another email saying that I am coming to get the furniture. He responds sure that would be great.....but ends it by saying....if you sent this to get a response, do not bother responding.

I said yes I did, sorry but you wont talk to me and well I am afraid to rent a truck, since twice before I tried to come get something else that he offered to me. So we have a bit of a back and forth and ends with not so nice words and him telling me to leave him the blank alone...

 

This morning I send him another email. Wishing his son luck, telling him to have a good day (hes off to do something stressful) and pouring my heart out that this is such a waste. He responds right away with comments and answers to my questions, and finishes it with saying that its too late for us, Ive had more than one chance to fix my behaviour and that i pushed the limit, he doesnt have the time and energy to try anymore and that with time we can be friends. So I call him, we talk, I cry and he says we just cant. I ask him to call me later, he says no. We continue to talk via email for another hour or two about the furniture. I ask if hes told his family/friend that we are done, he doesnt answer so I know he hasnt and isnt ready to say so. I told him i was sorry for hurting him and wished i could make him happy.

 

I guess my question, if there is one.....why is he offering this to me? He knows we would have to see each other, yet wont see me without a purpose. So am I being ridiculous thinking this is more than him just being nice? I know these questions get asked over and over and over...but Im really at a loss. I dont think in his heart hes done but I put alot of pressure on him. I just fell and fell hard and I know he did too. Except he is able to separate it and I cant.

So after hearing this crazy story what do I do and is he just hurt and angry.

[Ambiguous X]

I think you are being alittle too hard on yourself.

 

I have one rule for any relationship and thats if we can communicate there is no problem...that fact that he doesn't want to discuss issues and jsut wants to "carry on", gets angry at you contacting too much when he knows you got some clingyness issues, and does favors/helps you but with an angry attitude (attitude counts!) just makes it sound as if you are setting yourself up for dissappointment. I'd tell him to keep his furniture until you are made not to feel to have to walk on eggshells around him. His behavior only exascerbates your issues it doesn't help it. Where as reassurance and a pleasant attitude would probably help solve the problem.

[thejigsup]

Some people, myself included, get very uncomfortable with clingy people. I am very independent of any bf I have. I love them, enjoy my times with them, laugh with them, love sex with them, the whole nine yards. But...I don't need them around every darn day! My last bf was perfect! We were both the same way. We started seeing each other 2times per week and we were both happy. We were together eleven years and by the end, we were together every day. We worked up to it slowly. Yes, when we had arguments we would both leave and not talk for awhile. It was how we cooled down. It ususally took a week or two and we were back together and discussing what went wrong. He died in April and I miss him. He always understood me and was never, ever, clingy.

 

If you want to fix your relationship, learn to detach a bit. Make no demands of any kind, NEVER intiate the contact for awhile, and DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT THE FURINITURE AGAIN! He said that lightly and you have made it into a compaign. He needs an independent girl who is fine on her own and solves her own problems. Tough, I know. You are not a bad person at all! Just not a good match for this guy. Sometimes it takes a lot more than love to make it work. You have to understand each other and be the same type of person.

[hopelessincan]

Thanks for the response. Thing is that I have not once asked about the furniture....it is him who keeps asking. I ignore (temporarily) and then I get emails from him saying geez im sorry for being nice....I really think he is using it as leverage. I dont need it. But have one room unfurnished. He did not need to offer it. Im not sure about not being a good match, but still not sure if we are. We clicked on so many levels. And yes i agree about the independance. I am a very independent person usually. Thats part of what made him fall for me i am sure about. But at the same time it intimidated him like crazy. He told me multiple times early on that he wasnt good enough. I (in his mind) had everything he didnt have....I had my own life, a good job, a house etc....he felft he could never measure up. I told him repeatedly that that stuff didnt matter. and it really doesnt. eventually he got over it but maybe not. (he wanted to live together but felt he couldnt be able to contribute.....somewhere along the line I lost that independance.....and all i wanted to focus on was he and I...(and I am well aware of it, i just was happy at the time)

[hopelessincan]

I think you are being alittle too hard on yourself.

 

I have one rule for any relationship and thats if we can communicate there is no problem...that fact that he doesn't want to discuss issues and jsut wants to "carry on", gets angry at you contacting too much when he knows you got some clingyness issues, and does favors/helps you but with an angry attitude (attitude counts!) just makes it sound as if you are setting yourself up for dissappointment. I'd tell him to keep his furniture until you are made not to feel to have to walk on eggshells around him. His behavior only exascerbates your issues it doesn't help it. Where as reassurance and a pleasant attitude would probably help solve the problem.

I agree with this as well. we would talk about things when we had a few weeks in happyland.....and we would have the most amazing talks.....we thought we had dealt with it months ago, but alas apparently not.....he told me once that he felt like he had to walk on eggshells, which i find humorous....cause I always felt like i did....sometimes afraid to offend with my thoughts and feelings....