I found out my boyfriend's been paying transexuals for sex

[xoxo101]

My bf and I have known each other for about 7yrs now but have only been together for 1. There's quite an age gap btw us with him being 15yrs my senior but in all I'd say we have a great relationship. We love and respect each other very much and our sex life is and always has been, mind-blowing.

 

Long story short, I found out my bf's been paying for sex from transvestites and also has a secret stash of transgender, gang-bang porn. When I discovered all this I was in complete shock. If u knew my guy, he's the last person you would assume to be into that sort of stuff. He's a real man's man and although he is very liberal and would never judge people or be bias against anyone for their choice of sexuality he has made comments to me about being grossed out by seeing two guys getting it on etc. etc.

 

Anyway I decided to confront him on the issue and asked him if he were gay or bi and he denied it completely. He did say that there was a side to his sexuality that he felt he needed to explore and that yes, he was a little kinky but gay or bi, definitely not. I havent been brave enough to confront him on the whole tranny thing just yet, I'm still trying to figure out the best way to go about it.

 

I've known about this for a while now and have tried to drop hints by asking him if he were happy with our sex life and whether or not there was anything he wanted to do/try but he never bites. When we have sex, we make love. We're extremely passionate but far from kinky. That's the way we both seem to like it. I feel that if I tried to play out some sort of fantasy or whatever he'd think I'd gone mad and I really dont think it would turn him on at all.

 

I'm really confused and dont know what I should do. Is it possible for a guy to wanna have sex with a transvestite and not be gay or at least bi?? One last thing is that I dont know for sure but I think he may have been sexually abused as a child. I know a lot of people in his family have been and I think he may have been too.

 

I love my man more than anything and I believe he loves me too. I want him to be satisfied sexually and want him to feel comfortable enough to talk to me about his desires. Any help in what I should do?????

[metrogirl]

I would not want to sleep with a man that is sleeping with others. The risk of STD's and or HIV is far to great.

[teabee]

That's my first thought too. You seem very understanding of his confusion, which is great, but how are you glazing over the paying-for-sex, cheating on you part?

[cristal]

I would put everything on the table. There is no way I would be able to carry out a normal relationship with him knowing such things.

 

My guess is, if he has tranny porn, then he is having "tranny sex".

[annie24]

I would not want to sleep with a man that is sleeping with others. The risk of STD's and or HIV is far to great.

 

That's the bottom line. He's potentially exposing you to STDs without your knowledge or consent and that is unforgivable in my eyes. Some people have open relationships. And a lot of men are interested in "Chicks with ####s". Does that make him gay or bi? Well, he likes penis when it is attached to a woman. I certainly wouldn't say he is gay, but he has more sexual interests beyond traditional women, I'll tell you that. The lying is not ok.

 

I would confront him for sure. How did you find out he is paying for that?

[FathomFear]

Most men who pursue female transsexuals identify as straight. The attraction rests somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality, but it doesn't really make someone gay or bi. As a man, being gay or bi means you're attracted to men (the gender). Not women with male genetalia. On this topic I'd suggest watching this clip -- -- she addresses this as a common misconception.

 

On the topic of whether he was abused, I would just be mindful of whether you want to believe that as some sort of way of "explaining" his sexuality. That's a common tendency with people who are not comfortable with other sexualities. Religious conservatives, for example, will often say that homosexuality/etc is usually the result of sexual abuse or trauma early in life.

 

Ultimately, if I were in your shoes I would sit him down. Be calm and go over what you've found out. Express that you 1) cannot be in a relationship with someone who is sneaking around and cheating, but that you 2) do still have feelings for him and want him to be comfortable with himself. I think it's admirable that you want to help him through this, but at the same time you need to look out for yourself as well.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, if he's having an active sex life with you and an active sex life with tranny's, then of course he's bi. He's also a cheater and a liar because he is living this double life behind your back, and a dangerous one at that because of the full range of STDs he could bring home, especially if he is frequenting tranny prostitutes.

 

This isn't some little thing you can just ignore. He may be seeing tranny's because deep down he doesn't want to perceive himself as gay or bi, so he justifies it by seeing a man in woman's clothing, but once the clothes come off, it's penis or anal sex with a man he is after, otherwise he'd be seeing a woman prostitute (or happy with you without cheating)!

 

So he has some serious issues, and you just can't trust him. He's lying and engaging in very risk sexual behavior that is putting you at risk as well. Condoms are not 100%, and you are not sure how safe his sex really is, or whether a condom might break etc.

 

He may have been sexually abused, but you cannot talk someone out of their sexuality. Just being able to pin one reason he might have become like this doesn't mean he isn't already oriented that way or that he can or will change. Sexuality is very deeply rooted so not something that is easily changed or ignored, though many try. He also has proven himself willing to lie and cheat to meet his needs, so i'm not sure you could ever trust him, even if he said he'd stop this behavior.

 

You're young and have only been with him a year. I think you should try to find someone who is 100% straight and someone who isn't interested in trannies, and who doesn't lie and cheat.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would not want to sleep with a man that is sleeping with others. The risk of STD's and or HIV is far to great.

 

I agree with the above.

 

My question is, why are you putting yourself at such great risk, by continuing to sleep with him?

[FathomFear]

Honey, if he's having an active sex life with you and an active sex life with tranny's, then of course he's bi.

 

It really depends on what you mean by "bi", really. We're talking about gender vs. sex here. Most people are primarliy attracted to gender and have genetalia as an expectation, so to speak. That's why you can be attracted to a picture of someone who's transsexual before you even know the status of whether they're male/female. This is why most guys who exclusively seek out women and transexual women identify as straight, as they are only attracted to women.

[lavenderdove]

^^

But putting on a dress and makeup doesn't make them women, since gender is not defined by clothing.

 

I'm a straight woman, and a woman could dress exactly like a man, but the second her pants come off and i see a va-jay-jay rather than a penis, i'd be totally turned off.

 

It's not valid for anyone to identify themselves as straight and not bi or gay if what they want to do is have sex with a person who is a male with male sex organs. They're not having sex with the dress, they're having sex with someone of the male gender with male genitalia.

 

I think men who are attracted to transsexuals are confused about their sexuality, or want to try to convince themselves they're not bi or gay because they can't handle that idea. And if they're bi, a tranny might be appealing because it combines a male body with the female accountrements, but he'd still be bi if he's having sex with a man sometimes and women other times.

[Ariel85]

I don't understand what you're warming up to here.

 

Facts:

 

1 - he's cheating on you.

2 - he's paying prostitutes for sex.

3 - he's bi.

 

Do you think avoiding confrontation is going to make this all go away?

[Capricorn3]

Honey, if he's having an active sex life with you and an active sex life with tranny's, then of course he's bi. He's also a cheater and a liar because he is living this double life behind your back, and a dangerous one at that because of the full range of STDs he could bring home, especially if he is frequenting tranny prostitutes..

I agree. It is as clear as it can get - he's a cheater and a liar to name but a few. The big question is: WHY do you put up with it?

[FathomFear]

^^

But putting on a dress and makeup doesn't make them women, since gender is not defined by clothing.

 

Gender is typically defined by dress, manneurisms, etc. It's understood as a "performance", whereas sex describes your physical makeup (genetalia, chromosomes).

 

I'm a straight woman, and a woman could dress exactly like a man, but the second her pants come off and i see a va-jay-jay rather than a penis, i'd be totally turned off.

 

Right, but the point is that up until that moment you are likely going to be more attracted to a transgendered man than you are a transgendered woman, even though the later likely has a penis. The reason for that is because gender holds the attributes we find attractive, even though most people expect/want particular genetalia behind that gender.

 

It's not valid for anyone to identify themselves as straight and not bi or gay if what they want to do is have sex with a person who is a male with male sex organs.

 

Again, if we take labels to mean attraction to gender--then it is perfectly valid. Most men who are attracted to transexual women identify as straight, as they are only attracted to women. The key difference is that they are turned on by women with penises.

 

They're not having sex with the dress, they're having sex with someone of the male gender with male genitalia.

 

There's no such thing as "the male gender". A male or female is not restricted to one particular gender. Most males perform as men, and most females perform as women. But it's not a requirement.

 

I think men who are attracted to transsexuals are confused about their sexuality, or want to try to convince themselves they're not bi or gay because they can't handle that idea. And if they're bi, a tranny might be appealing because it combines a male body with the female accountrements, but he'd still be bi if he's having sex with a man sometimes and women other times.

 

This is a common misconception towards such people, I think. Based on my own experience as a gay guy who's frequented quite a few GLBT forums, I would say that the typical testimonial from guys in this situation is something to the effect of "I am attracted to all classic feminine traits--the smells, curves, breasts, etc--but just find the addition of different sex organs present to be tantalizing/arousing".

[BrokenSmile]

Wow FathomFear, I'm really impressed with your answer. You're spot on.

 

To the OP, I would agree that this does not mean that he is gay or bi, but I think there are larger issues at play here. Even if he was paying a woman with vagina for sex, there is the issue that he did not talk to you about having sex outside the relationship, even though you seem pretty receptive to discussions about your sex life. He is cheating and lying and putting you at risk for STDs. For me, those would be the issues I would take with his behavior.

[tresqua]

If u knew my guy, he's the last person you would assume to be into that sort of stuff.... he has made comments to me about being grossed out by seeing two guys getting it on etc. etc.

 

Except for the rather significant detail that he's gay and paying guys to have sex with him.

 

He's a real man's man

 

Yes that much is clear.

 

Stop kidding yourself. There's plenty of available women out there including women prostitutes. Yet he chooses to have sex with guys who dress like women, and there's a good reason for that. Why you would stay with a person who cheats on you, and furthermore does it with prostitutes is probably a better question than any you have asked.

[tresqua]

Most men who are attracted to transexual women identify as straight, as they are only attracted to women. The key difference is that they are turned on by women with penises.

 

A woman with a penis is a man and a man that is attracted to another man is gay or at least bisexual. End of story.

 

There's no such thing as "the male gender".

 

Maybe not in YOUR world.

[annie24]

A woman with a penis is a man and a man that is attracted to another man is gay or at least bisexual. End of story.

 

some people (namely, Dan Savage - sex advice columnist) would disagree with that. There's a difference between being with a man, and being with a "chick who has a #(@&." I'd say that her boyfriend likes penises, but only when they are attached to a woman.

 

oh well. he's cheating, either way. bigger deal to me than what his precise sexual orientation is.

[Amarte]

I usually have a lot of respect for lavenderdove advice, but on this one dont think she is particularly right and is showing some prejudice towards transgender people.

 

Sex and gender are not the same thing, just like transsexual and transvestite are not the same thing (I think the OP leads to confusion by using both interchangeably). And men do not need to be "confused" to be attracted to either.

 

From my experience, knowing very beautiful transsexuals (like supermodels), if men that are attracted to them are bi, then most men are.

I dont understand why some people have this need to caterogize people, and subjects like this usually get hijacked by transphobic and homophobic people.

 

Heterosexual men are attracted to female phenotypes, regardless of genotype. Attraction to a female phenotype with male genitalia is more of a kink or fetish...not necessarily indicative of one's sexual orientation.

 

 

 

.

[FathomFear]

A woman with a penis is a man and a man that is attracted to another man is gay or at least bisexual. End of story.

 

No, a person with a penis is a male. Whether they are a man or woman or something else depends on how they behave, dress, and identify.

 

Maybe not in YOUR world.

 

Which also just happens to be the same world shared by physcians, psychologists, and sociologists.

 

Look, I'm not going to be hard on you as it's very common for people to be ignorant when it comes to differentiating between sex/gender/sexual orientation. I would just advise you to read up on the topic if you're interesting in speaking to it. link removed would likely be a good place to start.

[lavenderdove]

>>No, a person with a penis is a male. Whether they are a man or woman or something else depends on how they behave, dress, and identify.

 

I think this is getting way off topic... the point is that her BF is having sex with trannies, and the trannies have one thing he is very attracted to that she doesn't have, which is a penis, and he wants that enough that he will lie and cheat and pay money to a prostitute to get it.

 

We can get into all kinds of academic arguments about gender or sexual identity or how one 'classifies' oneself, but the truth is he is off seeking people with penises and paying to have sex with them. doesn't matter if he's gay, bi, straight, or from Mars, he cheating on her, and seeking to have sex with people whose distinguishing characteristic is that they have a penis and his GF doesn't!

 

So i think this will end very badly all around if she tries to build a relationship with someone who really needs to have sex with people with penises and is willing to lie and cheat and commit an illegal act by paying for it to get it. In the same way it will end badly if the man were having sex with female prostitutes or anyone else. And doubly risky because what he seems to really want is something she can never ever give him, a penis.

[FathomFear]

I think this is getting way off topic... the point is that her BF is having sex with trannies, and the trannies have one thing he is very attracted to that she doesn't have, which is a penis, and he wants that enough that he will lie and cheat and pay money to a prostitute to get it.

 

I never debated that and mentioned that in my first post. However, I deem it necessary to call out gross misuse of words especially when it's given as advice. The OP asked whether this means her boyfriend is gay/bi and there were several "lol of course he's bi!" type of responses, which I don't think shoud just fly. I realize that no one likes being chirped at over semantics, especially when tend to be abused so often, but it will never get better if people don't speak up.

[bulletproof]

OP, are you concerned that there is cheating going on or are you more interested in how to make your bf comfortable with your current sex life? I assume since you posted this in the Infidelity section that you do have some issue with being kept in the dark, but I'm not sure what type of outcome you're looking to achieve?

[Samantha2150]

I know what you are going through, I really do, and please consider what I say: He will not change, and he will not stop, and it may be worse than what you realize. Your story sounds very similar to mine. My ex was ten years older than me and we also had a mind blowing sex life. It was fantastic. He never once showed signs of being unsatisfied or 'interested' in alternative activities or other people. He told me repeatedly how beautiful and sexy I was, how I was the best sex he'd ever had, how he didn't deserve me (I'm not being arrogant when I say his looks aren't his number one feature).

 

He went through a phase of depression about 2 years into our relationship, and I found transsexual porn on the computer one night after coming home from work. He denied it, vehemently. I believed him. It wasn't until we broke up for a while and got back together that I discovered he had been seeing a transsexual prostitute regularly while we were apart, had sent him emails saying how he knew they had a connection, details of the sex they had had, pretty much begging the tranny not to cut him off because he was back with me. The prostitute even sent him a text to his phone saying he had a 'sexy new outfit' and was '$100 as usual'. He couldn't deny it anymore, but neither could he explain it to me. He swore he was not gay, or even bi. He would get very quiet and very defensive whenever I brought it up. He would NOT talk about it, getting agitated easily.

 

BUT. I looked through his email the next day. Further digging unveiled that he had been seeing other MEN. He was frequently emailing a previous male co-worker asking to hook up for sex. He had posted ads on craigslist saying he was 'tight bottom' and 'very oral'....in the 'man 4 man' section. He was into it all--crossdressers, men, trannys. It hurt me deeply. I am an attractive girl, and I get hit on alot. He was attempting to hook up with people who were not attractive in the least! I wonder to this day if he suffers from sexual addiction, but anyway, I don't care at this point. I'm VERY open minded sexually, so why he didn't come to me and ask to experiment, I have no idea. I do know he was very ashamed/embarrassed when I found about the trannys. He said he was worried about what I would think of him. It really sucks when someone doesn't let you know who they are up front. If I had known a few months into our relationship that he liked penis....I would have been long gone. Nothing against that lifestyle, I just don't want my significant other to be a part of it!

 

What he claimed was a mere 'fantasy' was something he had been acting upon his entire life. He had been leading a double life right under my nose and I NEVER suspected it. He even went as far as to tell me about a male roommate he had in his younger years who was in love with him, and that they had sex often. I truly believe will eventually come out of the closet...and I don't want to be the one standing there heartbroken and embarassed.

 

Don't walk. RUN. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't waste your life with someone who can't be honest, faithful, and respectful.

[annalisa84]

I'm with Samatha2150 here.

 

I found out that my ex fiance of 4 years was also hooking up with transvestites on the side.

Men with make up, not some supermodel looking post-op people that can confuse men, but just guys who wore women's clothes and make up, with masculine hands and feet and facial features and.. penises.

I went through all these questions you have now in your head, is he gay/bi, why didn't he tell me, what was i doing wrong, why did he lie to me, what the heck is going on etc,

None of these questions matter.

Sexuality is something that people don't really choose and definitely cannot change. Expecting a gay guy to turn straight is ridiculous and for a tranny lover to stop liking trannies is as pointless.

This is who he is and this will not change.

Who ever he is.. let him be who he is.

 

I left immediately and almost year has passed by now and I'm still recovering.

I thought he was the love of my life and I never even really knew him.. Thsi experience changed me, deeply. I'm now slowly learning to love and trust again.

 

My only suggestion is to find that stenght in you and leave.

Find someone with whom you are more of a match.

Think of yourself.

Stop being emotional and take this decision with clear mind, rationally.

Do you really want these problems in your life? It's a risk to your health, including your menatl health!

You must be a very very very open minded person to go on with him.

 

I found an amazing guy shortly after and though we have heaps of problems like we all do, at least I don't have to worry about that.

I don't have a penis and that's perfect for him

 

Lots of hugs!

[Shelly4444]

I just went through the situation. Its extremely hurtful to us that these type of men could careless about our feelings and use us to make themselves look straight.