Taken advantage of whilst highly intoxicated, but I still participated.

[NotInvincible]

Hello eNotAlone community. The following story is me at my most naive, stupid, and weak. Please be gentle and supportive with any responses.

 

I've recently turned 20 and have been drinking and partying for a few years now. I've always felt safe with my friends, most of whom are male. I've often shared a bed with various male friends after a night of heavy drinking, and never have any of them tried anything on me. They're amazing friends and I trust them with my life.

 

I recently moved to a new city and began making new friends. The other night I went out with a new male friend and got extremely intoxicated, more than ever before. It's quite blurry, but I remember throwing up multiple times, falling over in the bar, and calling various female friends at 3AM to ask if they could help me with a place to stay because I had stupidly lost my house key. In the end I ended up going back to my new male friend's house because I had no other option.

 

I vaguely remember having to stop the taxi in order to throw up. THAT'S how drunk I was. I could barely walk, and was slurring like crazy. I recall laying in his bed, fully clothed, face to the wall, almost going to sleep. He then came in and said "you can't sleep with your clothes on, have some pyjamas". He threw some pyjamas on the bed.

 

Here is where the story gets ridiculous. I don't know if I took my clothes off to change into the pyjamas, but the next thing I knew I was naked and he was inside me unprotected. Let me say that I NEVER thought about sleeping with this guy, nor am I attracted to him. As far as I'm concerned, I was about to pass out! The problem is that once I realised what was happening I just let it happen. I feel like he could have been anyone. I was just so non-cognitive/brain dead. I feel terrible about it, and would think that I'd been taken advantage of if it wasn't for the fact that I remember performing oral sex on him at some point in my semi-conscious state. When it ended I felt relieved.

 

The next day I felt weird. I lay in bed with him and chat about politics and he asked me for sex again. I told him "ugh, no way" and we both left. The whole day I felt so strange. Numb, in fact. I sent him a message saying that what happened was not right, and he replied with "what, I took advantage of you now?" I know I'm to blame for drinking so much and giving him the wrong impression by going to his house, but I'm just shocked by how it happened so easily without me even wanting to, nor resisting. I do remember mumbling something like "I don't want to" once, but that's all.

 

I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I don't remember consenting to anything. My brain was so far away that I was on some kind of autopilot that made me participate to some degree in the sex, which is why he probably thinks it was OK. Was it OK? I just don't understand why I would have sex with him. I always figured I'd be assertive enough in any state, but this time was different. I was literally a zombie and I feel so bad about myself for not being able to assert myself, and especially for giving oral sex to a person I didn't even want to be having sex with!

 

Can anyone rationalise this for me please? I appreciate any help

[MizzGee]

What he did was NOT ok!!!! You were clearly in no state to make decisions on your own, yet you remember telling him that you did not want to have sex. THIS IS RAPE. This guy is not a friend. I would stay away from him, and, other people can weigh in on this, you might want to contact the police/get help..

Were you on any type of birth control? If not, and if it's not too late, you should probably take the plan B pill.

[chitown9]

Alcohol is the culprit here. He took advantage of you because you were drunk. Alcohol and you are a bad mix. I would seriously examine that issue if I were in your shoes. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Now you need to worry about pregnancy/SIDs from this random man.

[NotInvincible]

What he did was NOT ok!!!! You were clearly in no state to make decisions on your own, yet you remember telling him that you did not want to have sex. THIS IS RAPE. This guy is not a friend. I would stay away from him, and, other people can weigh in on this, you might want to contact the police/get help..

Were you on any type of birth control? If not, and if it's not too late, you should probably take the plan B pill.

 

I understand this, but for some reason I let him continue and even gave him oral sex. He definitely took advantage of me at the start, I tried to be assertive, but not enough. I was so out of it I gave him a damn blowjob!?!?

 

I appreciate your support. I've seen a doctor and everything is fine.

[BrokenSmile]

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. No no no no no what he did was not okay, and this is not your fault. People cannot give consent when they are that drunk. His actions are not justified. I know you might want to forget about the whole thing, but it might be best to file a police report, he could try to do this to another girl. I agree that you should try to access emergency contraception if you are not on birth control and at some point you should get STD tested. You also might want to consider getting counseling about this, as I know it can be very traumatic. I also think it's worth mentioning that unfortunately women are far more likely to be sexually assaulted/ raped by an acquaintance than by a stranger.

[BrokenSmile]

Alcohol is the culprit here. He took advantage of you because you were drunk. Alcohol and you are a bad mix. I would seriously examine that issue if I were in your shoes. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Now you need to worry about pregnancy/SIDs from this random man.

 

I disagree. While alcohol may have played a role on both sides of the incident, the man that took advantage of her is the culprit.

[Rob1000]

I think you're being too hard on yourself. He definitely took advantage of you, and it's up to you if wanted to get the authorities involved, but I think it would possibly bring you more upset if you did. Take this opportunity to learn just how dangerous alcohol can be, and the fact that it could have been an awful lot worse. Go easy on yourself in the meantime, and stay away from this new 'friend'.

[DN]

In some jurisdictions it could be rape but you would have to prove it.

[chitown9]

I disagree. While alcohol may have played a role on both sides of the incident, the man that took advantage of her is the culprit.

 

They both played a role; but if she had not been drunk he could have not taken advantage of her because she would never have put herself in this position if she was sober.

[BrokenSmile]

They both played a role; but if she had not been drunk he could have not taken advantage of her because she would never have put herself in this position if she was sober.

 

My point is that alcohol did not sexually assault her, this man did. While the circumstances (theoretically) would have changed had alcohol not been involved, this man is still responsible for his actions, and placing blame on the alcohol or the OP for consuming the alcohol shifts the blame away from him. Just because the OP was in a vulnerable state does not mean that he had to take advantage of her, but nonetheless he made the decision to.

[NotInvincible]

Thanks everyone for the input. I understand that what he did was wrong. I also understand that alcohol is very dangerous. This discussion makes me feel a lot better, and I hope you all understand how appreciative I am.

 

I'm mostly disgusted with my apparent lack of resistance and the oral sex. I swear that if I'd been slightly less intoxicated this wouldn't have happened. I barely knew what was happening. It was like an internal alcohol-induced, non-cognitive, zombie-like, autopilot mode. Does this sound about right? Is this what alcohol can do?

[chitown9]

Yes, that is what alcohol can do. It can also make you drive drunk. As you found, it lowers your inhibitions which is why you participated in the sexual act. This is why I would like like you to seriously examine your relationship with alcohol. Some people should not drink, even socially, because they get intoxicated and endanger many things such as their job, their family relationships and peoples' lives because their judgment is impaired and they THINK they are ok to drive...

 

You dodged a bullet here because you didn't get pregnant or contract a STD.

Maybe it was a wakeup call.

[BlueMilk]

Can I ask, how drunk was he? Do you remember?

 

And man, some people are pretty cruel here in blaming the guy outright with no real details. Like she said, she blacked out, for all we know she could have encouraged him (giving a blow job, even after initially saying no - and even that she barely remembers and said she mumbled which means he could easily have not heard - indicates consent.) So no, its not rape, its just a messy choice made by a drunk girl. You weren't in the right mindset to give consent but unless he was completely sober I don't think he was in the right mindset to acknowledge the state of your intoxicity.

 

Now, IF HE WAS SOBER then you definitely have cause to call date rape.

[NotInvincible]

Can I ask, how drunk was he? Do you remember?

 

And man, some people are pretty cruel here in blaming the guy outright with no real details. Like she said, she blacked out, for all we know she could have encouraged him (giving a blow job, even after initially saying no - and even that she barely remembers and said she mumbled which means he could easily have not heard - indicates consent.) So no, its not rape, its just a messy choice made by a drunk girl. You weren't in the right mindset to give consent but unless he was completely sober I don't think he was in the right mindset to acknowledge the state of your intoxicity.

 

Now, IF HE WAS SOBER then you definitely have cause to call date rape.

 

Now you're blaming me?

 

I was passed out when it started! Also, the oral sex came at some point near the end, AFTER he had started it without my consent. I came to and he was already inside me.

 

Anyway, I appreciate your input and angle, but I definitely didn't encourage it.

[jingletruck]

Now you're blaming me?

 

I was passed out when it started! Also, the oral sex came at some point near the end, AFTER he had started it without my consent. I came to and he was already inside me.

 

Anyway, I appreciate your input and angle, but I definitely didn't encourage it.

 

I am sorry for your experience. You were probably not "passed out" when it started. When someone gets really drunk but is still walking around, they are not unconscious, it's just that their brain is incapable of forming long term memories. That's how blackout-level drunks are able to find their cars in the parking lot, unlock them, start them, and drive home in a thunderstorm. Been there, done that.

 

Long story short - you have no way of knowing whether you said no or whether you laid on the bed with your legs spread and started singing "let's get drunk and screw". Without hearing the guy's side of it, there's no way to make a judgment, for all we know he still thinks he got a drunk booty call and went along for the ride.

 

Quit drinking. Move on with your life. It doesn't matter whether he was right or wrong. What's important is that you learn something from this.

[NotInvincible]

OK, thanks very much everyone.

 

Most of you have helped me feel a lot better.

 

I think at the end of the day he was in the wrong. After all, I was throwing up and blacking out for most of the night, and if he were a trustworthy friend he should have helped me be safe, not insisted on me when I was in that state. I do understand that it's possible that I consented without remembering, although I STRONGLY doubt it. As far as I'm concerned he did the wrong thing. The sex acts I performed were a result of my complete lack of cognition.

 

Again, thanks everyone for the input, you've helped a lot. I am now going to try to take a lesson from this and be more responsible with alcohol and who I trust. I can't believe how complex these things can be!

 

Thanks again everyone

[teabee]

How drunk was he? I'm not sure if I missed it somewhere in there.

 

I'm sorry this happened. I understand how upset you must be and I imagine that would be quite a shock. Don't get too hung up on the oral sex, unpleasant as that is. I get the feeling you're quite horrified with yourself for that, but you said yourself you were like a zombie. How can you beat up on yourself for something you were NOT in control of?

 

If he was sober and took advantage, he is to blame, not you or the alcohol you drank. I heard this once in regards to sexual assault:

If someone trips you down the stairs, it's their fault.

If you're drunk and someone trips you down the stairs, it's their fault.

 

If he wasn't very drunk, and he did take advantage of you, it doesn't become your fault just because you were drinking.

[NotInvincible]

He was also drunk, and I think on drugs. Of course, not as bad as me.

 

Anyway, he shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have been in the state to not be able to assert myself.

[teabee]

Yeah, I mean I'm sure he can tell the difference between someone who's drunk and someone who's completely-out-of-it, zombie drunk. It's ok for sexual activity to happen in the first case, shouldn't happen in the second.

[BrokenSmile]

I'm glad you know that this is not your fault. If you need any more support, feel free to PM me..

Of course there are always preventative measures that people can take to protect themselves, but at the end of the day you can't prepare for everything and sometimes bad things happen anyways. I find that there is always some reason people find to blame the victim of incidents like this, whether it be the alcohol in your case, or "she was wearing too short a skirt" in other cases, to the make-up the victim was wearing in other cases. In truth, absolutely none of that should matter. The reality is that regardless of the behavior of the victim, the other person still has the decision to make. Just because your decisions put you in a more vulnerable position does not mean that you caused this to happen.

[BlueMilk]

Jingletruck phrased it wonderfully for me.

 

Where did I go blaming you?? I just didn't blame /him/. There doesn't have to be a blame if both of you were drunk! So no, I am not blaming you entirely, but I am not blaming him entirely either until I know the details of his condition. It was a lousy situation to be in and you woke up with a sick and guilty feeling, you felt used because you wouldn't have done any of this if you were sober. Like I said, you have /every right/ to call rape or assault or whatever if he wasn't as intoxicated as you.

 

But you didn't answer my question, how drunk was he?

 

If he was sober then you have every right to be pissed off, angry, and able to call your local authorities for help, in fact I would /insist/ you do this as you wouldn't want him to take advantage of other drunk girls. It is considered date-rape for a reason. If he was drunk then I'm afraid you'll have to grow some steel ovaries, admit it was a mistake and a bad situation which can only be rectified if you prevent it from happening again in the future.

[NotInvincible]

Sorry, I overreacted.

 

Yes, he was drunk. Nowhere near as bad as me.

 

Anyway, it's OK, I've sorted it out. Never have I said it was "rape". I just wanted to rationalise it with other people's input.

 

Thanks for your advice

[BlueMilk]

Ack! Double post, sorry!

 

Its all good, I just didn't want you to think I'm not behind you in this, I just wanted to make sure that the details are correct so you can take the necessary actions.

 

I'm glad you sorted it out though!

 

Just don't trust that man as closely as you've trusted your friends before, he is apparently not the kind of guy I would rely on when I'm drunk off my gourd.

[BrokenSmile]

As a side note for people who think that it cannot be a sexual assault when both parties are drunk:

 

"The most prevalent myth still existing in the general population is that if both parties were drunk, both were incapacitated and therefore, it is hard to prove a sexual assault took place... As a rule, however (unlike women in such cases), they [men] can recall sexual activity. In cases when consent is at issue, the law also suggests that if a man is capable (and remembers) of engaging and completing a sexual act, he is NOT incapacitated (Mallory v. Ohio)."

From link removed

[Capricorn3]

I just didn't blame /him/. There doesn't have to be a blame if both of you were drunk! So no, I am not blaming you entirely, but I am not blaming him entirely either until I know the details of his condition.

^^ THIS. I agree with the above. He was drunk AND on drugs. She was drunk. I think BOTH had bad judgment and "blame" should be 50/50 in this particular case (imo).

 

A case of extreme bad judgment.