Dating but not a relationship..so why would I hold hands with him or more?

[desert_rose26]

This question is about the first few dates. Please read all..

 

So I met a great guy online. and it's the 3rd date. He says I'm really shy and don't need to be. I noticed myself sitting far away from him. (I'm not really good with intimacy). He tried to reach for my hand and I rejected (I know I shouldn't have because I actually like him!) Btw, I don't have much experience either

 

I think he feels like he's not sure about me now...I don't blame him. But how do I make it better? How do I explain to him? I mean, I did try to fix it by relenting and holding his hand a bit..he seemed happier after but don't really know because he texted that he didn't understand why I was scared to let him touch me. I texted back today that it takes me a while to open up..and that it won't take too long so don't worry. He hasn't replied...anything else I should do? I know he enjoyed our time together..so I'm just worried that because of my body language he is having second thoughts???? Please help, any ideas of what I can do to fix it? or just wait? the date was yesterday.

 

I know I screwed up by rejecting his body language.

 

But my second question is: would you kiss on a date? (not official relationship yet). I would feel cheated on if he went on a date and kissed another girl the next day. but since it's not an exclusive relationship (in the beginning stages) he has the right to kiss and date another girl. ---it might take 2 months of this until two people make it exclusive (not seeing other people). ---

 

My friend said if you are dating him, then you guys are in a relationship already. But that can't be right! it's not a relationship until it's exclusive! right??? Can't I hold off on kissing until it's exclusive?

[guynextdoor]

First off your friend is wrong. Why not tell him you like him but you want to take it slow?

[desert_rose26]

First off your friend is wrong. Why not tell him you like him but you want to take it slow?

 

I did..I texted him something like "roses take longer to bloom than daisies but don't worry coz it won't take too long .. " isn't that good enough? he didn't reply.

 

Wait - so do you think hand holding on the third date is too fast???

[JonasWaingaro]

Rose it only matters what YOU think is too fast. What other people think doesn't matter. You go at your comfort level and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong or whatever. Holding hands on a third date is no biggie if that's your comfort level. Clearly it's not yours. Just be honest and communicate that. If he doesn't accept that then you weren't a good match anyway. Btw, I would skip the flowery language and be straight up. It's poetic but might pass right over him - unless that's the way you normally communicate with him. Then it's all good. Oh and give it more time, it's only been one day.

[desert_rose26]

Rose it only matters what YOU think is too fast. What other people think doesn't matter. You go at your comfort level and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong or whatever. Holding hands on a third date is no biggie if that's your comfort level. Clearly it's not yours. Just be honest and communicate that. If he doesn't accept that then you weren't a good match anyway. Btw, I would skip the flowery language and be straight up. It's poetic but might pass right over him - unless that's the way you normally communicate with him. Then it's all good. Oh and give it more time, it's only been one day.

 

Hey, thanks for your advice. I actually liked holding his hands and I liked how he put his arms around my shoulder. I don't feel like it's too fast ---- I've never experienced it from a guy I really liked and I wasn't prepared to react. I'm inexperienced..VERY. I'm a reserved kind of girl and shy when it comes to guys I actually like. So he didn't do anything wrong I think..because I liked it. I just have trouble communicating to him that I liked it. Am I crazy? maybe.

 

You're right, I shouldn't have used that flowery language. I'll wait a few days..and see..if not, I'm not letting him slip away! But I hope I didn't ruin it forever...the awkwardness now is ..there.. any tips to ease off this awkwardness i created with him?

[mouseno4]

Rose it only matters what YOU think is too fast. What other people think doesn't matter. You go at your comfort level and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong or whatever. Holding hands on a third date is no biggie if that's your comfort level. Clearly it's not yours. Just be honest and communicate that. If he doesn't accept that then you weren't a good match anyway. Btw, I would skip the flowery language and be straight up. It's poetic but might pass right over him - unless that's the way you normally communicate with him. Then it's all good. Oh and give it more time, it's only been one day.

 

Not entirely accurate. What matters to YOU is whether YOU think it is too fast. Same can be said for the other party.

[desert_rose26]

ok, so anyone wanna answer my Second Question (in my original post)?

[danielle1973]

Holding hands and kissing are ways to show affection and build intimacy. You won't get to exclusive status without at least holding hands, in my opinion.

If you're not comfortable kissing until you're exclusive, that's fine, but not everyone is going to agree with that. So it's up to you whether or not you want to hold out for someone who does.

[Ginger1]

Yes I would kiss on a date. I don't think you have to be 'official' to do so- and honestly I would prefer it the other way. I don't want to make anything 'official' until we are really comfortable w/ each other and to me that means kissing and being relaxed and trusting.

 

As for your other questions. Speed is up to individuals. If you like him, then I think you need to say that you DO like him and start to let him touch/hold your hand. Sure it might be a little awkward at first but you have to let him. Doesn't sound like he is being disrespectful at all, but you have to work on letting people show their affection

[desert_rose26]

ok thanks guys... but I'm so shy...and I get uneasy nervous feeling when intimacy sets in. I have pretty much no experience and I feel like he does..and that just adds to my feeling of intimidation and anxiety. I DO like him..and he tried to make me relaxed and comfortable..caressing and hugging me..but..I have a hard time giving myself permission to just let what I'm feeling on the inside to come out. He said he wants me to though..and I want to..but it's taking a much longer time than I thought..coz I'm sooo darn shy!!! oh god help me. I've always been a late bloomer..and I guess the time is now..I don't wanna lose him but he doesn't seem very very patient either...he said he understands but I feel like he won't be able to tolerate my issue if I don't work on it myself. Like..I feel like the next step for us is to..kiss...but I'm FREAKING OUT!!!!! the last time I tried to kiss a boy I scared him by keeping my eyes open...it's hard to find the confidence to kiss someone I really feel attracted to. I'm so embarrassed about this.