He broke up with me so why is he now furious with me and behaving violently??

[tay204]

My ex broke up with me about a month ago, it was completely out of the blue, both of us were incredibly happy, we hadn’t had any arguments and we had plans for the summer, plans that he had asked we make, with all of our flights booked. I was devastated and, most of all, completely confused. Two days after that, after I messaged him asking him to explain things, he sent me a long message back saying that he was always happy in our relationship, that he’d had some of the best times of his life and that I was amazing but that he didn’t think he felt or could feel the things he needs to be in a relationship with someone. He told me that what he’s always thought he needs in a relationship is “ all-consuming passion, or feeling (not infatuation but probably closest approaching what i see as the definition of love), that means i value that person above all else, the feeling that i'd do anything for them and that they are perfectly suited to me”. Unsurprisingly I was the first person he went out with.

 

The break up was painful, but I understand why he decided to end things. I think his views on what he needs for a relationship are ridiculous and unrealistic but I know I can’t change that or do anything about it, it’s ok. He did the right thing and I’ve accepted that. The problem has come from the way things have gone since we broke up. The Uni we both go to is campus, in a small city and we have a lot of mutual friends. There’s no way we can’t bump into each other quite a lot, especially when we go clubbing. I really wanted to try and build a friendship so that, at the very least, when we saw each other out we could say hi and I wouldn’t get upset because we had a friendship instead of nothing.

 

After about two weeks (we’d been messaging and speaking over that time - I kept asking him to explain things and he would) he messaged me explaining that he’d been feeling so angry - angry at himself and the whole situation - but now he felt ready to be friends and that he was so happy about that. I’d gone home for a few days and was starting to feel positive that we could be friends. When I came back to uni I didn’t contact him for a few days until I cracked and texted him asking how he was, he replied and asked if i was going out that night. I ended up seeing him out and eventually said hello, his response was “you look so beautiful tonight”. That immediately threw me and upset me. We ended up kissing before he pulled away and said he couldn’t do this. He then looked at me and said “you’re so beautiful and you don’t even know it” - I burst into tears and he held me, kissing me on the forehead. Eventually he left and, on the way home, I very very stupidly and childishly felt that I had to let him know how upset I was and sent him a text saying that I wish i’d never met him because I couldn’t handle how things were now at all. Around 5am he sent me a message on facebook telling me to stop drunk texting him because when he’d got my text he’d punched through a window and now had blood all over his hands. I messaged back in the morning, apologising and saying that my emotions weren’t quite under control. I said that I really needed to try and be friends - to see each other every so often so things wouldn’t be so messy when we saw each other drunk. He replied saying that he couldn’t be friends and we had to ignore each other.

 

Two nights later I saw him out, I tried to stay away but my friend was talking to him to make sure he was ok (he was wandering around alone) and, embarrasingly, I was too drunk to do the sensible thing and stay away. My friend left us and he ended up shouting and screaming in my face saying things like “I don’t like you, I’ve never liked you, I never want to be friends, I never want to see you again”. I eventually got home, sobbing, I rang him and, after being shouted at even more, calmed things down. Somehow, I think he ended up saying that he was still way too attracted to me, that just speaking to me was turning him on. He asked me to come round and, because I’m an idiot, I agreed and got a taxi to his house at 4 am and we slept together. The next morning he sat accross from me and told me that he was starting to intensely dislike me and he was getting a warped view of our relationship. He was blaming me for everything, saying how whenever he went out, I was there too (over 3 weeks I’d only seen him out 3 times - our city is very small and we have select student nights so we’d be in the same place whether I wanted to be there or not!). The person saying these things to me was unrecognizable - the guy i went out with and the guy everyone likes is really nice and kind and not at all violent.

 

I knew I’d see him in a week because we were both attending an awards ceremony. He told me that at the ceremony we had to ignore each other. I did what he wanted, I didn’t contact him and the ceremony I ignored him completely and had a brilliant time with my friends. When I got home I drunk dialled him (i’ve deleted his number but I know it, which is awful). He texted me say “I don’t want to speak to you ever again. I hate you. Don’t you dare ring me ever again”. I found out the next day that in the morning his housemate had come downstairs to find the walls covered in blood, and him passed out on the sofa with his hands all cut up and bleeding because he’d punched through another window. He had to go to hospital and then I think his mum came and took him home for the summer.

 

I haven’t spoken to him and I won’t contact him or see him for 3 months (long summer holiday). I know I’ve been annoying and needy and stupid. I’ve been an irritating, very upset ex. I can understand him being annoyed and not wanting to speak to me. What I can’t understand is his anger, his anger directed solely at me, the hurtful things he’s said and, most of all, the violence. I don’t understand why he’s so angry. Can anyone please try and explain that to me?

[DN]

I don't think this is about you - something has gone wrong in him and he needs to see a psychiatrist.

[leaningpixie]

I don't think this is about you - something has gone wrong in him and he needs to see a psychiatrist.

 

I agree with DN!

[MizzGee]

I agree that it seems there is something wrong with him, but you really need to stop drunk texting/dialing him... Maybe take a break from drinking if it's that hard to stop. You need to cut off all possible contact from him, otherwise you'll never get over him.

[tay204]

Thank you so much for the replies. It really helps to hear that his behaviour isn’t rational and understandable.

 

MizzGee - I completely agree that I have to stop contacting him. Since last friday when he ended up in A&E I haven’t made any contact at all. I’m home for the summer now and I live in a very quite place so there won’t be any drinking and dialing! He’s blocked me on facebook so I can’t have any contact through that.

 

Poppa - Thank you so much for your long response. I’ve read through it quite a few times and it’s really helped me. I don’t think I would say he has full blown BPD, but I think he might have some of the traits. It certainly helps to explain his extreme anger - even viewing my behaviour in the most extreme way I still can’t see how it could push him the being to so angry with me and being so angry he felt he needed to punch through windows. Hearing that it’s him and not me is so helpful.

 

I’m really hoping the summer will give things a chance to calm down because we are going to see each other back at uni, whether we try to avoid each other or not, and I can’t take another year of this.

[Dice7]

Hi Tay, thank you for reading and responding to my post. The lovely people that have done so have been one of the few things to help give me some peace this week.

 

I actually read your post while I was on the train back to London from my gran's. I dont think it necessarily matters how long a relationship was. I know it's possible to get attached quickly and feel intense pain over the breakup of a comparatively short relationship.

 

I hope you can console yourself with the fact that you reacted to a breakup as *anyone* would. His reactions on the other hand are unbelievable. He definitely has issues and what worried me reading your story was where his violence and abuse would go next. Im sure it doesn't feel like it right now but from where I'm standing you had a lucky escape. I hope you can also use his behaviour to knock him off the pedestal you have him on (in no way a criticism - by my reckoning we're all doing it!). You deserve far better than someone that treats you like that. I hope your summer break helps you heal. With any luck you'll have him well and truly out of your head by September. And let me say from experience that it is 100% possible to do that. I had a six month relationship with someone that ended up not treating me very well. I was devastated when he first broke up with me but I focussed on all his negative traits and less than two months later I was thanking my lucky stars for the escape. I wish it was going to be that easy in my current breakup but he is truly great.

 

Hope that helps

[tay204]

Thank you so much for your reply dice7. It helps so so much hearing that it's his behaviour that's out of order. I keep blaming myself for what's happened and trying to rationalise and explain his behaviour - it's so good to hear that his behaviour is pretty unexplainable!

I hope that getting the rest of your things back isn't too hard and that things start to feel less painful.

[Dice7]

It's been hideous truth be told. He came with more stuff this morning. Couldn't even look at him it was so painful. At least I kept my dignity this time (although to my mind that just made it easier for him). A week ahead of no contact now before the next round next weekend. Grim. All of it.

 

Back to your situation. Trust me, he was definitely the one in the wrong. Don't doubt yourself any further. You seem lovely.

[tay204]

It must be horrible that you can't just get all your stuff back in one trip. Before my ex went a bit scarily angry he brought round a load of my stuff - it took all of 5 minutes but it was still absolutely horrific so your situation must be awful. Hopefully having no contact until you actually have to see him will make next weekend easier. I think it's good that you kept your dignity, not doing so would have make things much more painful and would have made next weekend harder - now you know you can do the same when you see him again. Good luck next week, I hope you manage to stay out of contact with him.

[Dice7]

thanks hun. i've tried to keep myself busy today and saw my best friend and her mum earlier which helped a bit. today is the first day i have really been out and about since my breakup. found that difficult. could feel the lump in my throat and tears welling while i was on the tube and walking around town. so far i'm doing ok tonight. i've actually managed to eat a whole dinner for the first time in a week. back in work tomorrow which, while i'm not looking forward to it, will be some sort of distraction. all i can ask of myself is that i keep moving through it.

 

how has your day been?

[tay204]

my day's been better than i though it would be actually. yesterday was my first day back at home and the summer was suddenly seeming incredibly long. it sucks that we had a lot of summer plans booked because i keep thinking of how great it all would could have been! fortunately i've now got other plans with friends and family so at least i've got that to focus on instead. today was better though, i'm not thinking about it all so much. i think not being in the campus bubble of uni is probably helping a lot - i'm not constantly seeing people and things that remind me of him. it's also so much less hectic!

 

keeping busy is really good. i know it must be really hard. i think you need to keep doing things and keeping active or it becomes really hard to start things up again. it's good that you took some time out away from things initially though. i didn't give myself any time out and launched myself into a succession of 'i'm single and ready to MINGLE!!' nights out with my friends that just ended with me sobbing over some takeaway chips. work will probably be hard buti think it'll be really good in that you'll have something different to focus on and distract yourself with. i'm glad you're managing to get through this and keep going. i think you seem to be coping really well given how horrible this must be. i hope work turns out to be a good distraction

[Dice7]

i had a little laugh at your 'single and ready to mingle / takeaway chips' lines - hope you don't take offence. i know this is really tough on you. it's just a few years back i could so easily have seen myself doing that.

 

as you say i was really lucky i was able to take a bit of time out in those first few days. i don't know where you live, but my gran lives in proper countryside and i found it soothing to be around nature, looking at the trees, flowers, sheep in the fields etc. can't explain why but it definitely helped me get through each day.

 

i'll let you know how work goes! they all know what's happened so i am very fortunate in that i'll probably get some support from them.

 

i can sympathise about summer plans. we had a holiday booked to ibiza in september (trying to forget about that). but it's great that you have put some other things in place. i'd love to hear how you get on. i have a suspicion you'll be in a really different place by the time you go back to uni. hope i'm right!

[tay204]

haha, i'm glad it made you laugh! i definitely don't take offence! I can always see the funny side to my drunk behaviour (apart from the texting him. that did not end well) - i've done some ridiculous things...like trying to persuade a barman to give me an extra shot for free because i was very very sad. You can only laugh at stuff like that.

 

I'm not quite in the country but I'm in a fairly small commuter town which has a lot of green spaces and leafy walks. I know what you mean about finding nature soothing. I think the quietness and openness of it all is incredibly calming, especially when compared to a city.

 

I think that other than the fact that I presumed he was committing to staying with me over the summer him is that i had so much planned out in my head of how it was going to be and what we were going to do. To keep realising that all of it is just not going to happen is horrible. It's getting better though, I think I'm starting to get excited about my new plans instead feeling overwhelmingly sad that my plans with him are gone.I hope you're right too! I'm so glad I have the summer to sort myself out.

 

I'm glad you should get support from people at work. and it's good that they all already know so you don't have to explain anything! the support i got from all of my friends was incredible, i have no clue how I would've coped without them. everyone will be rooting for you let me know how it goes.

[Dice7]

well, i'm in work. tears in my eyes all the way here. and i promptly burst into full on tears as soon as i walked in the door. sigh. this is going to be hard. probably a bit harder than i thought truth be told.

[tay204]

Poor you I can't imagine how awful facing a whole day of work must be. The only thing you can do this is keep going because you have to keep going. And it will get easier. Try and distract yourself with work. I know that must be easier said than done though. I still struggle trying to read stuff for my course because every time I try and focus I start going over everything in my head. Hopefully your work is a bit more intresting than critical essays though so will be a better distraction!

Hope the day gets better.

[Dice7]

hi tay. how have the last couple of days been? i posted an update on here earlier: . i'm not doing well at all. hope you are doing better. hugs.