masterswalt Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 It has been awhile since I have posted here but I find myself once again in need of the collective wisdom. It has been 2 months since my ex ended things between us. The end was particularly difficult and conflicting for both us, she broke down, a lot of tears were shed but kind words were had between us. A few days later I sent her a message that we should continue to be friends. She agreed wholeheartedly and I felt really good about the situation. A few weeks passed with no communication until we bumped into each other. We had a really great conversation and it was like nothing had changed, we laughed, joked around, caught up on life, etc. When I excused myself she gave me a big hug and we agreed to meet up for coffee in the next week as I will be moving cities. I heard through a mutual friend that she was really happy about seeing me and looking forward to meeting up again before I leave. The next week came and I sent her a nice text message saying I would be around and we should meet up...she never replied. I waited another week and decided to call her but she didn't pick up but I left a nice and positive message just that I hoped we could catch up before I go...she never got back in touch with me. I left it at that and weeks passed with no word from her. We bumped back into each other but this time she looked almost scared to see me and we exchanged very few words but she was very anxious to get going. Again today we walked past each other and it was obvious that she was pretending not to notice me and when I said hi she made a brisk reply and continued to walk without making eye contact. My question to you all is this, why is she ignoring me? I think when it is more painful and what is hardest for me to move past is the loss of a friend and being treated so poorly when I have always gone out of my way to be accommodating and kind to her and her friends. It really is hard for me to understand. Thank you all for listening! Link to comment
SingerInPurple Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I totally understand how you feel. Maybe she realized that she still has feelings for you and she doesn't want to get too attached to you before you leave? Link to comment
DN Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I would suspect she has met someone else. Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Sounds like she still has feelings for you and it's hard enough that you're leaving. Strong feelings don't just go away overnight. I think you guys went back on being friends too soon. If you two are really meant to be friends, give it several months before starting a platonic relationship with each other. She needs a lot of time to heal and detach herself from you. Link to comment
masterswalt Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 I know she has been on a few dates with a certain fellow. But the comparison between him and I is a farce so I am in no way jealous, she really is missing out. I have also made it very clear that I do not want a relationship with her, I just want us to be friends, something she agreed to and said she would love. I just don't see how in the matter of a few days she could go from giving me a big hug, laughing and smiling to avoiding my eye contact and ignoring my very harmless and very infrequent messages. The last message I sent her was an image of a magazine ad I was in because I was proud of it and a short text hoping that her summer was going great. I just don't see how responding to me could be so hard because frankly it hurts a lot to be ignored by people you care about. And even if she is in a new relationship, what makes it so difficult to treat me like a humanely? Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I would suspect she has met someone else. Hate to say it but, this. I had basically the same thing happen. 'Let's be friends, yaddayadda', then *poof* ignored. Someone else had entered the picture so the ex, me, has to go. This is why when fresh out of a break you never ever agree to friendship. The hurt of losing both your love and a friendship is gut wrenchingly painful. I'm still not past that part. It's sad how poorly you get treated at that point. Being ignored is not fun. Link to comment
masterswalt Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 I am most certainly hurt more by losing her as a friend than I am by losing her as a partner. I have always been nothing but great to her and I am deeply hurt by the lack of respect she has shown me. It is indeed gut wrenching. Link to comment
masterswalt Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Does anyone have a perspective on the other side of the equation? What feelings prompt one to flat out ignore someone you shared an amazingly deep relationship with? Link to comment
bunny45 Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I totally understand how you feel. Maybe she realized that she still has feelings for you and she doesn't want to get too attached to you before you leave? Took the words right out of my mouth. Link to comment
imonlyhuman Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 i really hate to be the bearer of bad news. but i think she's interested in someone else, or has someone else. just ignore her, move on. she's not worth your time if she doesn't even respect you enough to try and be friends when you seem to be okay with that. Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Does anyone have a perspective on the other side of the equation? What feelings prompt one to flat out ignore someone you shared an amazingly deep relationship with? Lots of reasons, anger, guilt, jealousy (if your life seems to be going better w/o them), a need to detach and move on. Can be anything. Mostly it's the desire to leave that relationship behind. Some people just do it better than others. An ex that's holding on, holding on to the past, doesn't make that easier. I guess most try to let the other down gently, when the other person doesn't pick up on the 'I'm being nice but really just let go' vibe, they then go to plan B and ignore you. Harsh but effective. Sadly it leads to more hurt feelings and a slowing of recovery. Also kinda burns bridges. Link to comment
indesign Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I think she realized that you and her are at two different places mentally and emotionally and you just did not have any common ground to stand on. That's my take on it. Best! Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 You could just try asking her. I suspect she is hurting. Link to comment
deavyin Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I have to agree with what people are saying here. She has met someone else. I have broken up with girls before but I have never left them for another person (nor would I even if I wanted to). I can only guess as to why she has done this. When you guys broke up she was still clinging onto you. Even if she didn't want a relationship with you she still wanted you to be in her life because you were important to her and it's hard to lose that emotional crutch. My recent ex was the same way (left me for another guy). When she first left she went on about how much it sucks that we are estranged. How we have this bond and it hurts her to have hurt me. How it's incredibly painful for her to not be able to talk to me. Things progressed with her new guy and they are now officially bf/gf and have been for a couple months now. I'm completely out of the picture. Initially after the break up she really wanted to be friends. Invited me out to grab drinks, asked that I don't quit the soccer team we joined together (she left me for the captain of the team) and tried to act like everything was normal and we could just transition into friendship. Obviously I was too hurt to do it. begged, pleaded, argued and did all that stupid stuff. Eventually I calmed down and asked for friendship. She said she was happy that I was willing to be friends but all I ever got was 1 very short email from her that was like 2 sentences long. It felt like I was talking to some friend I hadn't seen in years. I work with this girl, just over 2 months ago we were together and talked for hours on end and now I'm a stranger to her. I replied to the email and didn't hear back from her. I waited a week and realized it was a stupid mistake thinking we could be friends and I told her that. We haven't spoken since and probably won't ever again. Once things progress with the new fellow and she doesn't need you to fill that emotional void, you become unnecessary and, as much as it sucks, a burden to the new relationship. The new guy wouldn't be happy that she is still talking to her recent ex and she can't focus completely on him while she is still dealing with you. It's total crap I know but that's how they move on. It's the same way we move on only we don't have something to fill that emotional void. It's why NC is such an important tool. You keep the past relationship alive by even being friends with that person. You don't allow the wound to heal when you remain in contact. It's easier for them because they have someone to fill that void. For us it sucks and we are left wondering why they claimed to want friendship but treat you like a stranger. It's BECAUSE you were important to them and, just as it's hard for you to pretend everything is normal, it's also hard for them. I'm sure if you found someone tomorrow who you fell for at first sight you'd feel the same way. Your ex would lose her importance and you'd realize she is just a hindrance to your new relationship and you don't want anything to cause issues. Also, the honeymoon period is a * * * * * for us dumpees. The ex is so infatuated with their new partner that they don't even bother to think of us. Eventually the honeymoon period wears off and they contact you again to see how you are doing (or they don't..depends on the break up and how much they felt for you in the first place). By that time both parties have usually moved on and only then can a friendship really happen. Then again, if your ex left you for someone else (and it appears she did..i'm sorry..i'm right there with you) then there really isn't any need to be friends with them again...especially while they are still with that new person. It's one of the worst, most painful and selfish ways to end a relationship. The ex get's to apply a quick fix to the breakup pain while you have to grieve him/her knowing their is a new person they are spending their time with. That's my opinion on it. I've never done this kind of thing before so it's only my best guess from what I have heard others say. Hope it helps. Link to comment
WockaWocka Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I just don't see how in the matter of a few days she could go from giving me a big hug, laughing and smiling to avoiding my eye contact and ignoring my very harmless and very infrequent messages. The last message I sent her was an image of a magazine ad I was in because I was proud of it and a short text hoping that her summer was going great. I just don't see how responding to me could be so hard Maybe she thought you were showing off with the magazine ad in an attempt to win her back? You wouldn't be the first ex to say they want to be friends in the hopes that maintaining contact will rekindle the relationship. I know you've said that wasn't your intent, but because you were so relaxed and friendly it may have appeared that way to her. ("Surely he must be broken up over losing me and hoping to win me back.") And even if she is in a new relationship, what makes it so difficult to treat me like a humanely? Well, remember that it may be more about the feelings/jealousy of the new guy and not about you at all. A lot of people get jealous if their new bf/gf remains on friendly terms with the ex. But I'm still guessing it's the above: maybe she thinks your friendliness is all an effort to win her back. What to do? As hard as it is with you moving away, let it go for a while. It was a break-up after all, so no matter how mature and enlightened you both are it was probably unrealistic to be friends right away. Link to comment
masterswalt Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Thank you all for replying I truly appreciate your kind words of advice. I can understand that this is far from easy for her. I am sure it is not easy for her to see me, but such is life and I think she should really think hard about what it is difficult for her. I know she doesn't hate me and has nothing but respect for me for all the things I have done for her. Do you think her new partner could be jealous of me? Unfortunately I think deavyin is correct in a lot of ways. I think my importance in her life has come to an end, I think that is why hurts the most for me. This new guy can fill the void that I left when the relationship ended. But ignoring me is no way of proving that point, and the issue is further clouded by our mutual friends who have really looked out for me. I think so much hurt comes from watching someone who cared so much for you treat you so poorly for no reason. I guess I will never really know what is going on in her head. Link to comment
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