I am 33, she is 21...and I guess we just broke up

[SteveNaive]

Hey ya'll...

 

Long story short: I am 33 years old and I am (or maybe "was") in a relationship with a 21 y.o. girl. We first met at work, and we slowly but surely hooked up on each other. It felt "inavoidable" to both of us that we were falling in love. She was in a relationship when we first met, but then split up and quit her work at the place we worked together. We met up a couple of times after she had left and ended up as a couple... We have been together for little under a year now.

 

Although we generally do connect well, thinking/saying the same things at the same time, having similar interests and - again generally - have loads of fun, we have had some rather harsh disputes lately. In particular, she feels that I do not love her enough, placing everybody and everything above her (work, friends, hobbies,...) , while I feel that she is completely misunderstanding me and not seeing the obligations that I have to fulfil...

 

To state an example: Two days ago, I asked her, whether she would like me to come over to her place (instead of saying "I want to come to your place"). She completely flipped, saying that this was the reason she had been fighting about with me: Me not saying "I want to", but rather saying "do you want me to". Genuinely, while I do note the difference in language, I do not see a difference in meaning, namely that I want to spend time with her together. However, I was completely overwhelmed by her reaction...

 

This morning, we had the worst dispute of all: We got up together, telling each other how much we enjoyed the night and how much we loved each other. I got into the shower, got dressed for work, and she asks me about a holiday which we had been planning (we wanted to visit a place half way around the globe where some friends of mine live). I told her that part of my friends weren't there when she had time and she told me that she won't have time when they are available. So i said, well lets do not go there then (meaning: lets go someplace else, just the two of us) and she again got angry and told me that she wanted me out of her life. Again, I felt like being hit out of nowhere and asked what was wrong. She said it was typical for me, placing everybody and anybody above her (in particular work and friends). I told her that I didn't mean it that way, but just thought that we could spare the expensive trip around the world and rather go somewhere else for us to have a good time. She replied that this was not what I said and basically threw me out of my own apartment telling me to get lost and called her parents (which we were scheduled to go to for the weekend) to pick her up.

 

We spoke shortly after I had arrived at work (obviously late) and we concluded that we'd see, what we'll do.

 

I do not know what to do now. I just feel misunderstood. I am full of love for her and heartbroken about or dispute and the way the she was upset with me. I just wish, I could get that accross to her. She means a lot to me, and I have never met someone quite like her in my whole life...

 

Any insight or advice?!

[rahulrocks]

@ Steve

Find out a few things first like

1) Is she dating someone else ? Does she internally wants to break up with you and giving all these stupid excuses ?

2) Or Does she doubt that you are seeing someone else ?

3) Have you become a wussbag over the period ? By wussbag i mean, always saying 'Yes' to her when you dont have to ? Handling all your power to her? as a result of which she is losing interest in you.

 

See if she is losing interest then she will become irritated with you because now she wants something else as well in order to make for the lack of interest. You see sometimes when girls are not interested in you and still they have to live with you then in that case they would be over demanding like they would want that you should have a lot of money, or you should put her above all your priority.

[Tryptophan]

Sounds like a space issue to me. She's finding silly excuses to breakup. I used to do that too unconsciously when I knew I needed space / a break from the boyfriend.

 

Give her space. Let her reach out to you when she's ready and things will be much better. Don't announce it either. Just let it happen.

[SteveNaive]

Thanks Rahul.

 

I am positive that she is seeing someone else and I also do not think she doubts I am seeing someone else. We both have long work hours and we still manage to see each other almost everyday (and occassionally even spend lunchbreaks togather), so she pretty much knows where I am, most of the time and she also knows the environment I am working in.

 

As to the wussbag...I wouldn't have trouble admitting being one, but I doubt I am. I may have made a lot of concessions to her (in terms of where, when and what we do, as well as how she roams about my appartment), but she barely recognizes that. And yes, she asks me to put her first above all my interests, because that as what she alleges to do with me (without me ever asking her to do that, though). Still, I do not think I am particularly wussy, because what sets her off most of the time is apparntly my "harshness" or me being "mean" in how I put things when I say them. However, I myself find myself neither mean nor harsh and just do not know what is going on...

[rahulrocks]

@ Steve

Well in that case it may be that she is actually polite and expect the same from you. You see we guys do not give much importance to how we talk to friends, we talk in a rough language to our friends and thats cool and ok. But sometimes with some girls this language is a problem. I have seen a few girls who take utmost care about how they communicate things. They always take care of the right moment to say the right thing. I mean they say it in such a way that it does not hurt you. But we do not take such care. If this is the case then do this her way as she is more correct right now. Also show her that you care and win her trust. Show her that she is reallly the most important part of you.

[Lordreyna18]

Ok Im about her age and I can honestly say u need to be more of a butthole to he basically a man not a boy a man deMANds and a boy asks, but remember she us young she doesn't know why shes getting mad only how to get mad or what to use against u so she grabs ur attention. We still need it, I believe every woman until they reach motherhood, need a mans attention to feel loved and needed and wanted the same effect a child will give a mother, she's just not there yet so if your up for it that's how u have to treat her.

[Weeb]

To state an example: Two days ago, I asked her, whether she would like me to come over to her place (instead of saying "I want to come to your place"). She completely flipped, saying that this was the reason she had been fighting about with me: Me not saying "I want to", but rather saying "do you want me to".

As a side note, I actually prefer to be asked "would you like me to come over?" It makes me feel like the guy cares more about what I want and am available for.

 

Also, don't be a "butthole."

 

I do think you need to think a bit more about how you phrase things before you say them, because she seems to jump on you quickly over misunderstandings. I think it's important to figure out if she is just generally oversensitive to that type of thing, or if she's unsure about the relationship (for whatever reason) and is looking for a way out.