After a big fight (?)

[annalisa84]

I had a big fight with my boyfriend. two nights ago at 2.30am! It lasted only 15-20 minutes but it was probably the most damaging fight we ever had. I admit, it was my fault and I overreacted and hurted him.

 

He works at a club every Wednesday which I don't approve in the first place. He doesn't need it financially and only goes to socialize imo. He comes home in a middle of the night then and I cannot sleep but still have to get up early in the morning to go to work. Plus he refuses to take me out, pretty much anywhere but clubs are especially huge NO-NO in our house. He is a home boy but I love to dance and still want to feel young so I'm upset he doesnt want to take me there but every week to work in one is fine.

 

Anyway he told me before going to wait up and he will make love to me when he comes back. Our sex life is a very touchy subject as his libido is waaaay lower than mine and I have completely backed off (feeling absolutely unsatisfied) and we are now only intimate when he feels upto it, can go even 3 weeks without but usually once a week. So while he was at the club I cleaned the apartment to set the mood, I had shower and made myseld feeling sexy etc. Then I waited.. but he didnt come.

 

He was late for only 45 min I guess but by then it was almost 2.30am and I have to get up at 8am in the morning so the moment had passed. I felt so rejected AGAIN.

Why you even tease me then?

 

He had stayed in the club for a drink or two with is friend and obviously had no idea what was going on in my mind or that he had done something to upset me. I then overreacted. I stormed out of the apartment to buy cigarettes at 2.30, pushed him aside, insulted, he followed me asking what is wrong, we argued on the street, back at home etc. Then we went to sleep, I slept on the couch as per his request. He even told me he will think whether he wants to stay with me. I apologized sincerely the next day and he asked me to ignore it happened and give him time, to accept that he is still upset and will be cold with me for awhile.

 

As said, I didn't handle things well and I am ashamed of my reaction. And I would want to make things better, but i don't know how. Plus I'm grateful he forgave me but... deep deep inside I'm still so unsatisfied and him being AGAIN cold with me is making me the saddest person in the world. I feel almost hopeless.

 

Please give me advice.

[mouseno4]

Does he work long hours?

 

I have to agree with you that you vastly overreacted. He didnt know what you had planned - obviously since it was meant as a surprise. So getting upset that he was badly late for something he was not meant to know about...

 

Yeah bad move.

 

You need to talk to him and tell him your needs are not being met (if you call sex a need that is), and that things need to be worked out. In the end, you need to find out whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who does not satisfy you.

 

Do you really know why he does not want sex with you?

[annalisa84]

Does he work long hours?

 

I have to agree with you that you vastly overreacted. He didnt know what you had planned - obviously since it was meant as a surprise. So getting upset that he was badly late for something he was not meant to know about...

 

 

Yes, I overreacted.

But I think you misunderstood. I do not make sexy surprises to him, I do not even suggest it. I don't initiate anymore as he tells me it will just cause him pressure and make him feel like he has to even though he doesnt want to and then feels guilty etc.

I have COMPLETELY backed off and I have let him come to me when he really feels like having sex.

He then told me before going to club that he will come home and make love to me, I was thrilled cause I've been waiting for him to come to me for a good while and I miss him.

And then he felt like staying in a club with his friend instead of coming home and making love with me..

So I felt rejecetd and then.. overreacted.

 

Why doesnt feel like having sex?

He admits he has lower libido than me and in addition, he tells me that if everything is not erfect and lovey-dovey he feels it even less.

I don't knwo what to think anymore.

[mouseno4]

OK. This may sound a bit odd - but do you own a vibrator? If what you say is true and you have a higher sex drive, perhaps this will relieve the sexual tension in between rounds with your guy.

 

If i am not mistaken, girls dont need a 'recharge period' in between getting off. So in theory, you could get off as much as you liked.

 

Also, an important thing to think about - is sex with your guy important to you? Do you feel you really need it for the relationship to make you feel satisfied? If it is important, it could be a deal breaker for you. But dont jump the gun just yet.

 

I would strongly suggest you talking, seriously with your boyfriend and tell him exactly what you discussed with me.

 

Oh and not every guy wants sex 24/7. One of my old friends from primary school... its 30 and still a virgin. His career is just far more important to him. Some guys want it 2,3,4 times a night. Others once a week. And even more can want it randomly.

[Snowy]

annalisa, do you realize his libido will probably not improve any time soon?

 

Do you want to endure the pain of being rejected and sexually frustrated day after day?

 

If breaking up is not out of the equation, then I think you might like to contemplate it.

[annalisa84]

In a long run, no I woudn't be able to handle such unsatisfying sex life.

But I love him and I want to really really try.

 

Considering that this time I made a huge mistake and overreacted and hurted him, I even understand him not wanting to have sex with me.

That's why I am here actually, after such a huge fight how could I make him feel better?

How do you guys usually make up after fighting? Especially knowing it was your fault (my fault)..

[Batya33]

You apologize sincerely and give the person the space he needs as long as you trust that he is asking for space to get over what happened and not for some immature reason like manipulating you, etc.

I think you're not being honest with yourself about your resentment at his "house rules" that you can't go to a club, etc. You probably found it sexy at first that he is controlling in that way (you probably mistook it for masculinity) but now that you live with him you're starting to resent it and it's bleeding over into the way you two interact.

[mouseno4]

Like i said. Vibrator or communication.

[diamond78]

Annalisa,

 

C'mon hun.....This is the same guy who insulted you and told you that he desires you less sexually than any other girl he's been with. He specifically said "It is you" and not him. Now he's telling you that he'll think about staying with you still.

 

The writing is on the wall. This guy isn't going to wake up one day wanting your intimacy on a regular basis because he has already checked out in the intimacy department. You really really really should think about moving on from this one.

[asthesparrow]

Annalisa,

 

C'mon hun.....This is the same guy who insulted you and told you that he desires you less sexually than any other girl he's been with. He specifically said "It is you" and not him. Now he's telling you that he'll think about staying with you still.

 

The writing is on the wall. This guy isn't going to wake up one day wanting your intimacy on a regular basis because he has already checked out in the intimacy department. You really really really should think about moving on from this one.

 

I agree, seems like a goner.