how bad does it have to get?

[bucketsofrain]

Layers and layers, years and years, heartbreak, pain, shame, regret, and everything. Therapy doesn't help. Nor do drugs.

 

Yet I still can't bring myself to do it.

 

Used to be I couldn't do it to my family. Now I'm so numb, even that seems like a fragile * * * * , barely holding it back.

 

Strangest part is I am a genuine lover of life. I laugh all the time. Even made like five people laugh with me today. I see kids and smile. I see a beautiful woman and swoon. I notice the small, lovely things. But it's never enough.

 

I'm a musician. Artist. Writer. Pretty damn good too, if I do say so myself. But even that barely pierces the fog now. Yes, in a temporary way, but then afterward there is always silence.

 

I don't want to die. I don't.

 

But I don't know how to live.

 

Had so much promise once. Still do, maybe.

 

But why then did I wander the streets today, mumbling to myself, not even able to cry, wondering if I should go to the hospital or a hotel or just lie down in a field until the cops came or the paramedics or death?

 

It's happening way too slowly. "He not busy being born is busy dying."

 

I think I need to volunteer or something. Help people who are having it even harder than me. Stop being such a baby. It's really not so bad blah blah blah...

 

I know I need to be humble, and live a quiet, compassionate life, but this raging desire, this need for love and comfort and praise and the obvious incompatibility of human beings, especially those you love the deepest... it's just seems impossible. And right now, not worth it.

 

Just seems like it's going to keep getting worse. And that scares me, because it's pretty damn bad already, and I haven't even been in a war or killed anyone or watched my kids die or anything remotely close to that.

 

But I guess I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't scared of myself and my intentions. The conversations that go on in my head are terrifying. Keep me up at night. Didn't sleep for 40 hours straight last week. And this was dead sober. * * * ? Just seems untenable.

 

I don't want to do it.

 

But at this moment, I don't actually know why.

[bucketsofrain]

I wrote " * * * * ," with what I think was the proper spelling, and I guess it got bleeped, but I meant the actual, you know, dam, or whatever. Not damn, btw. Hope I didn't, um, offend anyone by using actual words. I not a prejudiced person, I promise.

[Capricorn3]

Have you ever considered counselling?

 

And yes, I would agree with you when you say maybe you should try volunteering. It DOES make a huge difference. You will always find someone far worse off than yourself.

[Yaz]

Death's the lover I'll be taking,

Wild and fierce and fickle is he,

Small's his care if my heart be breaking

Gay young Death would have none of me...

[rahulrocks]

@bucket

Stop thinking about changing anything. Dont think that you should help, or come out of this situation or anything of that sort.

Just try to find out why are you thinking like that, Find out what thought is ? How does on think ? Watch your thoughts as they grow up. Do not condemn or justify or praise your thought. Dont be a separate person from the thoughts. Because you are not separate from your thoughts. You are your thoughts. The entity which says 'I am' is nothing but a thought. This entity is fictious. This entity watches certain other fragments of thoughts and says to itself, 'Oh i am so sad, i am this and that, I must change'. But You can never change. Because you are your thoughts. The only thing that can happen is passive observation of your thoughts. Its fun. You will then discover that you do not have change. Your sadistic thoughts will dissolve by themselves with power of observation.

You can chat with me if you want to understand more what i am trying to tell you......

[blahx2]

I know exactly how you feel. I had been feeling like that for the longest time, feeling so unfulfilled, like I had nothing to live for, but not really sure if I wanted to die or not.

This week I picked up this great book, and it has changed me link removed

If it wasn't for the book I would still be feeling alone and lost. Instead now - in a short week I am feeling more content and more at ease with myself.

Hope that you allow the book to help you

[JimmerJammer]

bucketsofrain,

 

never have I found such a post so eloquently poised as the one you presented. It's intricate without being overtly perilling and yet I get the strange sense that you are simply a human being finding difficulty in coping with life. No man should use justification for his own shortcomings against those less fortunate, I think that's ill-intended. I do, however, believe that volunteering one's time is about giving spirit and feeding positive, emotive energy into others.

 

I know I feel just so darn sh*tty about myself that, can you believe helping others makes me feel better about my mistakes and shortcomings? Selfish jerk that I am feeling good through helping others, but the reality is my intent is to better their lives and that benefit is a necessary trade off.

 

No amount of drugs, nor alcohol, nor counselling really fixes ones life. To a degree they're used as coping mechanisms. One obviously a more positive and healthier one of the others. I have a point though and that point is about perception. It's easy to see the dark when you're in the shade, everything seems gloomy. There's light all around you, but life has a habit of blocking it out.

 

I think part of the reason it becomes so difficult to see it is because life is just a little messed up. It seems to rapidly increase this trend as generations pass. I mean look at where we are now? But that's another discussion... as it stands we're all just living our lives having come into it with no idea how we got here. All we see is what is presented to us and yes some realities are better than others and for that be grateful for what you do have.

 

If there were simple fixes, we'd all be living amazing lives and the trials and tribulations we all seem to go through to varying degrees would be redundant. Then there's a point to that isn't there? I mean as hard as it is to digest the things that we face, what good comes from them? Rather what bad, should we decide to fall? That's just it isn't it though? We're all really just trying to seek out happiness while trying to remain afloat in a sea of misery.

 

For that reason alone deals with it the mortality that we as humans face. Doomed are we to suffer the losses of the ones we love, but yet we don't have a choice. That choice, in fact, is often made for us without our wanting, choosing or being ready. That also breeds how fortunate we should feel for what we have and to be compassionate for those who aren't.

 

I have moments where I think just like this and wished to end it, in all reality just so I could rid the world of someone like me. I too try to see the goodness in life and smile when I see children play, or laugh and make jokes to lighten moods, to even helping someone without monetary gain. Things I only reinforce with how down about myself I get. Yet there's a part of that which empowers me to do better and yet only exacerbates how miserable I really am on the inside.

 

What's a man to do who is so troubled by his own mis-guided attempts at trying to be happy? I know I certainly don't have all the answers and can only really say it's a struggle. Day in and day out, but I have faith. Faith that through thick and thin, that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Cliché I know. I figure that if there is something about myself I'm not happy with, that I can do something about it. Even when I'm dirt poor and can't afford food, I still give what little I have to help others because I believe that's what the world needs. It hasn't become a point of living a life just for me, I figure if I'm unhappy about how the world is then I need to lead by example and not become a victim by it.

 

I think the choice is in all of us to do better and it only becomes pertinent once one has reached a point they wish not to live any more. We all need to be at peace with ourselves and it starts with being good to one another.