I hate my life - depressed, lonely and confused.

[terravnc]

This is going to be long, I have had it all inside for so long and i just need to get it out.

 

i am the oldest child of 7. I have 5 brothers and a Sister. When i was about ages 5-7 i had a babysitter, my moms friend's kid. he was older. about 17 at the time. when he would put my brother to bed, he would crawl into my bed and he would make me touch him while he touched me. this went on for years, until i guess little me decided/realized that it was wrong. One night 7 year old me freaked out and called my mom and called his mom and i told them what he was doing. They never believed me. My mom and dad were not together, i was living with my mom who was on welfare at the time. i saw my dad on weekends. I looked up to him big time. he was my shining light amidst whatever angst little me was feeling. I never realized it was wrong that daddy was drunk all the time, infact i saw it as "daddys drinking again! this means my brother and i will get gifts and toys and stuff oh how wrong and naive i was. When i was 10 i ran away from my moms house to go live with my perfect idealistic dad. i soon found out that my dad was severely addicted to cocaine and alchohol. My dad would drag me away to his AA meetings, drunk, and when the meetings were done, we would drive to his friends house where they would get drunk some more. at 11, I was living with my dad, getting myself ready for school, making myself breakfast/lunch/dinner, doing my own laundry, i was basically raising myself. i guess at age 12, grade 7, i had had enough. I became rebellious, I bullied this one girl so much that i had to go daily to the guidance councillor so she could figure out what was going on inside my head. instead of her succeeding in finding out what my issues were, I ended up manipulating her. I would go to her room and i would play with toys and talk aboutstuff i can't even remember. i just know i manipulated the crap out of this poor woman. A few months into that, i attacked a kid with some heavy duty velcro, i mean i scratched it all over his body, he was slighlty bleeding on his arms and the back of his neck. His parents decided to call the cops, and that ended up with 12 year old me living in government funded "group care"

 

I lived at this place, it was called "The Maples" it was a place for troubled youth. we weren't allowed to leave, we had to check in every 15 mniutes. This of it like a jail for youth. There were these 2 older boys, who I manipulated for my own gain. I don't know how, but i managed to wrap these boys around my finger. i had them running away from this place with me, I forced them to go AWOL with me one night, We had climbed up onto the roof and were running. The Maples staff had called the police.. we could see them searching for us. when they realized we were on the roof, they came up.. this is when i freaked out and dragged these boys off the roof with me.. we ran and ran for maybe a good 20-40 minutes. i had no idea where we were going, but we just had to GO. eventually they found us at a park about a 20 minute drive away, one of the boys was sick so we had to stop running. They had me locked up in isolation for 2 days.(literally locked up. i was in a room with no window on the door, and only a tiny bathroom-esque window near the roof) i wasn't allowed to socialize with anyone. When i got out of isolation, everyone congratulated me. as if i had won a prize. I didn't understand it. but at that point, it felt good to be bad. this happened once every few weeks, until the boys were sent back home to live in northern BC with their families. i was due to go back to my family soon, too.i went back to my mothers house, and things were tense, and there was alot of fighting. My mom and I were verbally abusive to each other, and things scallated into light physical abuse. i was raped for my virginity and had gotten pregnant. i had an abortion... and then I dropped out of school and ran away from home.

 

at 13, I lived on the streets of downtown Vancouver. i had fallen in with some other "street kids". we would walk around all day. I was a bad influence, and i had a way of manipulating guys. There was me, a girl named athena, and a boy named kevin. Kevin was head over heels for me, and i would manipulate him. He was older, about 16, and he cared deeply for me, and cared for athena like a sister. He would do anything to protect us. Athena slept around to get her meth fix, while kevin somehow kept us supplied with cigarettes and weed. We ran in to this girl one night at this place called Dusk to Dawn ( it's a place for street kids to spend the night in warmth and safety) her name was tannah, and she had her little sister faith with her. athena got tannah into meth, and keving slowly started to succumb to athena nagging him to do meth. What was left of our little group was 3 meth heads, me and this little 2 year old girl, faith. I stopped smoking cigarettes and weed because i was seeing what drugs could do to you. I took care of faith and treated her as my own. after about 2-3 months of this.. i was starting to realize how much potential my life had if i could only get out of this mess. as everyone else was succumbing to their addictions, forever huntin the next high.. i was going to the public library.. and looking for foster care. I had found an emergency placement. I tried to find one for faith, as tannah athena and kevin were all to high to take care of her.. but i couldn't. I had no idae what would happen to them, but i knew i had to get out. This emergency placement in vancouver helped me get back to my moms house. things were awkward and very tense for the first little while, but i really wanted to fix the damage i had done.

 

at 14, i got back into school. it was school for "the bad kids".. I didn't like the label that put on me, so i tried extra hard to finish all my work, and i did. I finished grade 8 and 9 in one solid year of hard work, and i got back into 'regular" school. At this time, I am 14 years old. I had met a 21 year old guy through my friends, and we had started dating. He encouraged me to reach for my dreams and do good in school. i spent all my free time with him. Eventually he got me back into smoking weed. I would go to school, do my work pay attention, then go to his friends house, and blaze. I guess it never really dawned on me that we had an endless supply of weed until about a year into our relationship. He was a dealer. that makes sense. We would probably smoke 5-10 joints any given day, i was perma fried. I would wake up high. when i smoked weed, it did nothing, because i was already high, so i kept smoking weed. i ended up getting a job at 15, at silvercity. I was too high all the time to actually accplompish anything, so i was fired. i didn't care, i just got high. it made everything better. this went on for another year.

 

at 16, doing really good in school, on the honour role, actually have some friends at school, i had a best friend too. I loved her to pieces. i was still high all the time, but i learned to just accept it as part of who i was and move on from it. I could function in public as if i wasn't high ( trust me, that's hard to do unless you are a 100% stoner) i ended up getting a job at McDonalds. it was only part time, i didn't really care. my boyfriend was about 23 at the time, he would pick me up from work and, well we would get high. I started to realize the money i could be making if i stopped getting high and focused more on my work... but i was high and it didn't even matter. after 7 months of mcdonalds, i quit. i don't know why, i just one day showed up with my stuff and just quit. i also stopped smoking weed.

 

at 17, when i was in grade 11, i met this really cool foreign kid. i mean i always had hung out with him, he was part of my group, but i never really noticed him. we started to hang out and i realized that i actually did like this kid, quite a bit. he was 6 months younger than me, so it was kinda nice to be "in control" I ended up leaving me 3 year relationship with the dealer, for the foreign kid. We would hang out all the time, he was a straight A student with plans to be an architect. I was starting to let my studies slip at this point, and he thought i was totally hardcore. i fed off that idea. I skipped school, i got drunk at school, i became a shoplifter. i stole anything i could get my hands on. clothing, electronics, jewelery, ANYTHING! he thought it was the most badass thing ever, and I LOVED IT. I ended up controlling him. we would hang out 24/7, just us. we would do nothing really but hang out at his house and watch foreign movies, play video games or have sex...

 

at 18, i dumped him. to this very day i still don't know why. This is when I decided that i needed money, and i needed a career more than anything in the world. So i found a job. after 2 weeks i became a keyholder, after 1 month i was assistant manager, and after 8 months i became a manager. i was 18 and a maanger? this was the best thing that had ever happened to me. The power.. i fed off of it.. i just had to have more. i ended up getting fired. I still don't know why, but they paid me out 4000$ to accept being fired. Hell i'm 18, that's alot of money.

 

at 19 i got my current job. it started out the same way. keyholder after 3 days, assistant manager after 4 months. I tried so hard at work to be promoted to manager. It was my whole life, it was all i thought about, it was all i talked about, it was all i did. I alienated everyone on my pursuit of more money, more power. march 2011, i was finally promoted to manager. now all i can think about is how my next step is to become a district supervisor. ( and now we enter my current state of mind)

 

I am now 20, andI have 3 not so close friends, and i have no social life. i go to work, and then i come home and i watch TV or i play video games or i waste away on my laptop. I have everything i've wanted, I have a nice TV, i have every gaming consol, i have my own apartment, in general i have nice things, that i have paid alot for. Ki have 3 credit cards, i have a good credit rating, i'm in the process of creating the ideal future for myself. I'm going to univiersity for business management. My goal is to own my own retail store. So as far as the world is concerned, i am building the perfect life. i project a very happy, bubbly person to the world, I am there FOR EVERYONE and all their issues. i am the rock people have come to know will be there for them. I am steady, I am motivated, I am successful. And I HATE MY LIFE. i wake up every morning thinking, why bother? what's the point? I'm going to go to work, I'm going to make money. That's great. So why do I have no friends? Why am i chronically single? Why does no one want to be with me? Why am i such an awakward person who avoids anything social outside of work? I have this ever increasing urge inside of me to just * * * * ing run away. I want to get in a car and drive. I don't know where i'll go, or where i'll end up. i just want to keep driving. In reality, i don't even want to live this life anymore. i don't even see a point in waking up anymore. Nobody my age is mature enough to handle the kinda of relationship i am looking for. why don't i just sleep until i'm 30? because life doesn't * * * * ing work like that. i think i am depressed, but i'm too proud to ask for help. i don't have anyone really. I have my best friend, and without him... i probably wouldn't be here. He listens to my bull * * * * and he takes it all in stride. i put on a brave face most of the time.. but i don't think i can do it anymore. i see all these other 20 year olds, out at the bar, having a laugh, gong out with their friends, basically out every single night. and here i am. i am trapped in my own body. my dreams and goals and wants are not that of a 20 year old. I don't even know what to do anymore. All i know is i don't want to be here anymore. i hate myself, i hate who i have become, i hate every person who is not perfectly what i am looking for. There seems to be no reason for me to live, except to built me perfect little empire. Alone. in reality.. money doesn't buy happiness. and i'm just realizing that.... now i'm almost 21, and what's left for me but to fade out?

[Yaz]

Join the club. I feel like that today, too. All the advice I can offer is to "keep on keeping on". It's the only advice I've had that ever made sense, even if it wasn't very helpful. Sorry, man.

[chitown9]

You stated that you attend a university. Have you made any attempt to befriend any of your classmates there. Universities now have people of all ages attending their classes and perhaps you will meet someone there that you could relate to.

[jacobadam]

Today's lifestyle has made our life miserable. We forgot that small things can make our Life so Beautiful. So why are you searching for happiness here and there when it is within ourselves.

 

When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to..... today".

 

Live with the 3 E's... Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy and the three F's... Faith, Family and Friends. Don't feel depressed or lonely. Go to friends and family and share your feelings.

 

Sit alone in silence for atleast ten minutes each day.

 

Dream more while you are awake. Don't stop dreaming once you failed, instead become strong and make that dream come true.

Try to make atleast three people smile each day.

[Kellum23]

Honestly i live your story i no it sound weird but i do you should make a book

[rahulrocks]

@terraVNC

 

Oops !!! At the age of 20 you have seen so much... My God, Poeple do not have such wealth of experiances even at 60's. Having said that, i think you have realized now the falseness of ambition, greed and all.

Why you do not have friends ?? Well its because you are too ambitious, you are manipulative and you eliminate anyone who comes in the way of your success. You will probably be successful but you will feel guilty. Why do you hate your life ? its because you had many bad experiances and they made you lose your innocence and sense of beuty. You see world as filthy and disgusting. Its not like that.

The best thing in you is your habit to introspect. That will free you of all the misery. Keep observing each and every thought that passes your brain. Know what it is, know why it is there. Discover yourself. Discover why have you become like this. For this do not condemn or justify or praise yourself. Keep observing your mind like a Budhdha.....

[LAYAAN]

I understand how you feel.

Friendships are relationships and relationships are difficult in today's day n age. I would say do your best and know where to draw the line. But you have to start with you and then only you can expect that someone else would reciprocate if you want friendship.

Hang in there with love relationships as well. Sometimes it doesn't come in easy, yet, I believe in love and companionship. That person is out there somewhere.

How about not sitting in front of TV and getting involved in activities that interest you? How about getting a dog and socializing with others at a dog park? or How about offering to walk someone's dog etc? I would say get started somewhere. It will then become 2nd nature.

[rahulrocks]

@ TerraVNC

 

Other things apart, Honestly your story definitely can be turned into a good book. Either you right it yourself or I can write it for you.

[FreedomRing]

You have been through alot in your short time.....you've had many opportunities to stay discouraged and mad at the world, but your perserverence kept you going. That is COMMENDABLE.

 

You have a ton of strengths, and one that is super important. Although you may want more friends....you have shown the ability to be independent. Realistically, you have been alone and independently moving forward for MUCH of your childhood and adolescence. There are PLENTY of adults who still have not managed to live independently and go about their daily lives, functioning alone.

 

What is your relationship with your siblings like now? Have you ever thought about joining a Big Brother's/Big Sister's club and mentoring others who have had troubled pasts similiar to your own? I bet you would find some happiness in giving back...and maybe friendship with fellow big sisters...

[BrocPizza]

Funny, as i was reading I was thinking this would be an amazing book to read... I guess so did everyone else. Wow, you have been through a lot in your life. I think there are a lot of people who would benefit from hearing your story as they have been through similar things in their life. We all feel lonely and need support at times in our life, I think there is some comfort in knowing that we are not alone.