Why do I attract commitment phobes?

[LoveSoDeep]

I swear I just don't get it. Why is it that the one thing I want is a long term committed relationship probably leading to marraige, and every guy I've dated in the past 7 years is a commitment phobe?

 

Honestly I must be attracted to these guys too and I need to understand this. Why am I doing this to myself?

 

My last long term bf the first 2 years I had no idea he had this deep seated fear of commitment but in the end he knew he couldn't do it and everyone (not really me but family and everyone) wanted that for us so he ended it. I've been single for year dated guys who want to get married and ...meh they just didn't do it for me, for one reason or another. Then I met this guy he is great we have a great time together and all the sudden tonight he comes out with "I can never give you everything you want and you'd be better off with someone else."

 

I see this pattern develolping and it scares the S___ outa me b/c I don't want to be alone forever....If I end up not geting married but being happy with one man for the rest of my life fine...if I never end up having kids....okay I'm sure I'll deal.....but I just can't handle the thought of never finding someone.

 

One guy and okay he was just a guy who couldn't settle down....two and I'm just unlucky....but this is a problem. I am convinced I'm doing something wrong and I need to know what it is before I do this to myself again. I guess I should be thanking my lucky stars that this guy had the balls to tell me he doesn't think we're on the same page instead of stringing me along for a year or more....but I can't keep doing this.

 

Please someone....help me. I know someone has had this problem before.....

[DN]

Perhaps you are coming on too strong instead of letting things develop naturally. Yo say you want a committed relationship leading to marriage but very often that is really off-putting for guys because it seems you want that rather than wanting them - and there is a difference.

[lalalollipops]

I think you want a fun, carefree guy, and alot of them don't want responsibilities. The serious, focused types aren't your cup of tea?

[Hollyj]

Because you're CP. We choose people that mirror the beliefs that we have about ourselves-low self-esteem,

 

By choosing a CP, you know they will not be able to incorporate you into their life due to your own trust issues. What was your upbringing like?

 

I was where you are but, with the discovery of link removed, I was able to understand the men I chose and change my own patterns.

 

Good luck!

[thejigsup]

I always got those types until I finally admitted to myself that I was "one of those" too. I have no desire for marriage, EVER.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is not necessarily that you attract them...it is the fact that there are a lot of people out there, both men and women, who want the "for now" partner. Relationships these days are extremely transient. Even marriages don't last and people move on to the next one. Also, there are lots of commitmentphobes who get married..but are still commitmentphobic...they got married for social standing, to have a family, for money, to not be alone anymore etc. Lots of people who are married continue to live life as if their partner is just part of the furniture. They don't want to get emotionally close.

[LoveSoDeep]

Perhaps you are coming on too strong instead of letting things develop naturally. Yo say you want a committed relationship leading to marriage but very often that is really off-putting for guys because it seems you want that rather than wanting them - and there is a difference.

 

I suppose this is possible wheather I know it or not. But trust me I do not feel like I'm focused on that as a goal. I know I don't want just to "play the field" b/c I get attahced so if I'm going to date a guy for more than a month I want it to go somewhere. It doesn't have to go 0-60 in .3 seconds but if he knows even 5 yeras down the road marraige just isn't or him then he's not for me b/c someday I do want that connection with a life partner.

 

I think you want a fun, carefree guy, and alot of them don't want responsibilities. The serious, focused types aren't your cup of tea?

 

It's true I do like fun. However I think serious and focused can be very attractive too....that kind of work hard play hard aditude....that's what I like.

 

Because you're CP. We choose people that mirror the beliefs that we have about ourselves-low self-esteem,

 

By choosing a CP, you know they will not be able to incorporate you into their life due to your own trust issues. What was your upbringing like?

 

I was where you are but, with the discovery of link removed, I was able to understand the men I chose and change my own patterns.

 

Good luck!

 

Yeah I have read this so many times and I just don't think this is it. I'm not afraid of commitment....it would explain a lot if I was and I think it would be easier to figure out. I seriously don't understand how anyone can live like that and it breaks my heart knowing the guys I fall for who are really good people are going to spend their whole life breaking hearts (including their own) b/c they are too scared to commit. I really do want to be a part of someone's life and grow old with them and all that I'm not scared of that at all.

 

Maybe I'm too trusting. My upbringing was okay...my dad was (er is I guess it's always is) an alcoholic stopped drinking when I was 10 and my mom could have and left him a million times in those 10 years but she stayed and they made it through and are still married 36 years later. Maybe being the child of an alcoholic has something to do with it....I dunno.

 

I always got those types until I finally admitted to myself that I was "one of those" too. I have no desire for marriage, EVER.

 

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that it's not s much marraige that I want....that's just a piece of paper it isn't really necessary I want a life partner and someone who I connect with to grow old with and share my life with...I realize I don't have to get married to have that...but I do want that.

 

It is not necessarily that you attract them...it is the fact that there are a lot of people out there, both men and women, who want the "for now" partner. Relationships these days are extremely transient. Even marriages don't last and people move on to the next one. Also, there are lots of commitmentphobes who get married..but are still commitmentphobic...they got married for social standing, to have a family, for money, to not be alone anymore etc. Lots of people who are married continue to live life as if their partner is just part of the furniture. They don't want to get emotionally close.

 

I think more than anything I'm scared that relationsships have become this way CAD. My parents are on their 36th year....I want that and I'm really afraid I'll never have it just because of the way things are. I feel like I'm the only one who does want that.

 

I spent a lot of time thinking last night....and I think in this case I let myself believe whatever this guy said. He did say he wasn't sure he wanted to have more kids....but he was very soft on that answer and I think in retrospect he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear and I fell for it because he is a good fit for me in somany ways and I wanted to give him a chance. And really I'm 34 so at this point I need to accept the fact that I might run out of time to have my kids so I can't be focused on that....so while I think I would like to have a child if I find a guy that wants to spend his life with me if it's not in the cards I'll be okay. Maybe I should not give everyone a chance, but what if he was really my soul mate....you know?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

We give people chances because that is what needs to be done if you want to find someone. However, there are a lot of duds out there. We often overlook the negative things in order to fulfill the goal of finding someone. Sometimes those negative things become stumbling blocks to the goal of marriage...and actually, that is much better than those negative things becoming stumbling blocks in the relationship after marriage. Better to find out it won't work before wasting years on someone.

[DN]

The point I was trying to make is that few people want to think that you have a list with a check box: beside each item as in:

1. get married

2. buy house

3. have children

4. etc

 

that makes them feel part of a 'life agenda' rather than someone that you met, fell in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with them because of who they are instead of what they represent - another agenda item.

 

This is one of the reasons some people have trouble who wait for marriage until after they have got their education, got a good job and their career is on track - it seems part of a life plan rather than anything to do with falling in love because you met the right person. It's all very sensible but not very romantic and doesn't make a potential partner feel very important.

[LoveSoDeep]

We give people chances because that is what needs to be done if you want to find someone. However, there are a lot of duds out there. We often overlook the negative things in order to fulfill the goal of finding someone. Sometimes those negative things become stumbling blocks to the goal of marriage...and actually, that is much better than those negative things becoming stumbling blocks in the relationship after marriage. Better to find out it won't work before wasting years on someone.

 

Very true. Plus I think it's just in my nature to trust people and want to give things a shot. And yes this time at least after the initial sting wears off I'll be very glad that I found this out now and not 3 years from now.

 

The point I was trying to make is that few people want to think that you have a list with a check box: beside each item as in:

1. get married

2. buy house

3. have children

4. etc

 

that makes them feel part of a 'life agenda' rather than someone that you met, fell in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with them because of who they are instead of what they represent - another agenda item.

 

This is one of the reasons some people have trouble who wait for marriage until after they have got their education, got a good job and their career is on track - it seems part of a life plan rather than anything to do with falling in love because you met the right person. It's all very sensible but not very romantic and doesn't make a potential partner feel very important.

 

It is very hard to separate those things I see what you mean. I do want those things in my life...I'm drivien I have goals what can I say? However those aren't my only goals and they are contigent on finding a man....some of those things I can do on my own I just haven;t yet..... but I do know that if I do get married finding the right person to do all those things with is more important that the act of getting or being married. If it's not the right perosn I'm not going to just jump into marraige b/c I want the piece of paper. I'm very realistic. I know when I meet the right guy it's not going to be wedding bells on day 3....I want it to take time and build naturally and I want it to be about finding the love of my life....who I just happen to want with me when I fulfill some of my life goals.

 

Not sure how to convey that to the men I date without just out and out explaining it...but if they ask about marraige and all that this is usually how I talk about it. And trust me I didn't put off marraige on purpose to pursue other things...this is just how it happened for me.

[Hollyj]

If you had healthy boundaries and self-esteem, you wouldn't give these guys the time of day-You would recognize the first red flag and move on.

 

I too, thought I wanted a relationship but, continued to pick the wrong men, as I had trust issues. My parents were both emotionally unavailable and I was living my childhood through these men. Until you deal with your own issues, you will continue to repeat the cycle. It this not a coincidence, you are actively choosing this type. Hon, this is about you, as you have no control over others but, you do have control over you!

 

Please check out the site I recommended. It is eye opening!

[DN]

Guy: "Are you looking to get married?" (or variation)

You: "If and when I find and fall in love with the right guy."

[LoveSoDeep]

If you had healthy boundaries and self-esteem, you wouldn't give these guys the time of day-You would recognize the first red flag and move on.

 

I too, thought I wanted a relationship but, continued to pick the wrong men, as I had trust issues. My parents were both emotionally unavailable and I was living my childhood through these men. Until you deal with your own issues, you will continue to repeat the cycle. It this not a coincidence, you are actively choosing this type. Hon, this is about you, as you have no control over others but, you do have control over you!

 

Please check out the site I recommended. It is eye opening!

 

I totally agree with you. I really do I know this is not just b/c there are a lot of commitment phobes out there and it's not a coincidence...it just can't be. I do need to look into it. Thank you.

 

Guy: "Are you looking to get married?" (or variation)

You: "If and when I find and fall in love with the right guy."

 

Now see. My usual answer to that type question is. "Yes, someday but it has to be the right guy."

I mean I could have married Mr. Wrong 15 years ago if all I wanted was a ring and house...but it wasn't right.

I think your answer is better though b/c maybe guys stop lsiteneing after they hear the "yes" lol. maybe I just need to put the Yes at the end.

[LoveSoDeep]

HollyJ I did go to the website and it's interesting but I just am not into ebooks.

 

Any suggestions of books that I can go and buy or check out from the library that might help me. I did a quick search and there must be a million on this topic.

[Batya33]

Maybe you're the one with commitment issues since you choose men who you don't have to commit to and you reject those who are available. Obviously the latter guys may have been the wrong match for you but perhaps what contributes to it is feeling turned off when they behave like a person who sees long term potential in you.

 

I don't think there are many commitmentphobes but I do think there are many people who are reasonably a bit squeamish about "forever" and get over that squeamishness when they are the right person and meet the right person. I probably was more than a bit squeamish, I definitely was attracted to certain men who loved doing couply things but never would have wanted forever with me (usually because they weren't that into me plus probably a healthy dose of fear of choosing badly), and until I was the right person I wasn't ready to be happy with a good match for me who also wanted marriage and family.

[Hollyj]

HollyJ I did go to the website and it's interesting but I just am not into ebooks.

 

Any suggestions of books that I can go and buy or check out from the library that might help me. I did a quick search and there must be a million on this topic.

 

You don't need to purchase an e-book. She posts several new articles a week, and you can go back years and read the different articles and comments that follow. You need to go to the home page. It's all free!

 

link removed

[LoveSoDeep]

You always give such good advice.

 

Good point the guys I dated probably don't qualify as clinically phobic....just a more than squeamish and unsure than most. The problem is when I choose them I think they are realatively normal on the scale of squeamishness. They don't let on that they are maybe more fearful than most right at first b/c well I'd probably run away screaming. lol and if I knew they were hiding that from me then that would turn me off and I'd be gone but they say "yeah someday I think I want to get married..." and silly me I believe them....then 3 months down the road (or 3 years down the road ugh) they say they were wrong and they just can't do it....they were never really sure they could. They always had these doubts...maybe they thought they could get over it, but they can't. Trust me I am not scared of commitment if the right guy moves in that direction I follow...heck the guy who flaked after 3 years....we were shopping for rings and buying a house and then he freaked out.

 

Hmm It's probably one of those things you don't know until you're there...but honestly I feel ready to be happy. I feel ready to find the right guy for me, and I know it's not sometihng I can control so I just have to be open to it and keep looking.....it's going to be hard to keep my head up and keep my heart open if I keep following this pattern though so I need to figure out what's going on.

 

Maybe there are other red flags that I'm missing. I trust these guys when they say they are ready....but deep down they aren't. How am I to know.

 

Oh and Hollyj - yes I will read some more of the articles I just like the long format of a book....plus I can take a book to the pool and veg out....can't do that with my laptop.

[Hollyj]

Oh and Hollyj - yes I will read some more of the articles I just like the long format of a book....plus I can take a book to the pool and veg out....can't do that with my laptop.

 

I can understand that. Just know her site is dedicated to people who are CP. But, the part I like the most is the other posters sharing their own stories. It changed my life, no other resource spelled it out so clearly. Directly! I've pushed the site enough

 

Good luck to you!!!!!

[Dice7]

Hi LoveSoDeep

 

I am in exactly the same position as you. i have just exited my third relationship with yet another person that i believe potentially has some sort of issue with commitment. it's all very fresh and raw (break up only happened a week ago and i seriously seriously thought this man could be the one for me until the last year) but i feel that i have to ask myself what's going on here. like you, the thought of a man that comes on too strong, or is always there when i turn around feels really unattractive to me. i wonder if part of my problem is wanting things when i can't have them, or when they're difficult to get. i am 35, so very close in age to you, and so i need to get this figured out sharpish.

 

i've started a couple of threads about my relationship / break up on here in the last week if you fancy killing some time. i've been looking to connect with someone that is going through a similar situation to me actually. i need to go check out the baggage reclaim site that holly j suggested.

 

wishing you all the best finding your life partner.

[HeatherR]

Hi I'm a newbie.

 

I'm starting to wonder if I'm a commitment phobe too. I recently ended a 3 month relationship that turned out very strange. He came on very strong but after a month or so I realised that it was impossible for me to get emotionally close to him. He did say some negative things about other people's relationships and about hating weddings but I overlooked this when I should have questioned why.

 

Prior to this I was hung up on a divorced guy who had no intention of getting serious with me but was open to some fun. During the time I was hung up on him I turned down 2 good guys that I know would have made great partners.

 

My only other relationship was a fling with a guy who was very self absorbed and dumped me on Valentine's Day!

 

I've been reading the Baggage Reclaim website and think there may be a pattern here. What do you think?

[mad rabbits]

I always got those types until I finally admitted to myself that I was "one of those" too. I have no desire for marriage, EVER.

 

I think there is something to this. I attracted a lot of unavailable partners in the past and what I think was going on was that I was drawn to qualities in them that I hadn't developed myself.

 

Now that I have owned my own desire for independence I don't attract these types much. Actually, the opposite...last few guys I dated (briefly) were needy and dependent :S