Let's Face it: We're here to find out how...

[Chuck Bartowsk]

...We can successfully reconcile with our ex love.

 

I have been reading a lot of threads on this forum as well as a few of the other forums on this site. The common denominator is we have all suffered a loss of someone we loved. There is a plethora of knowledge here that has been gained through both experience and observation. I have learned SO MUCH and I want to humbly thank everyone for their contributions to the knowledge pool. I didn't lose the love of my life 8 weeks ago...I emotionally shoved her out the door. We were together for over 8 years and went through hell and back together. By the time we got to the last 6 months I think we had both pretty much had it.

 

I was struggling with financial issues due to a lay off and 2 years on unemployment, at the same time she just wanted to marry me and start a family. She loved me more than life itself. Unfortunately she got so frustrated with me for being so emotionally shut down that her only (so she thought) was to continually hammer me about getting married and having a child. Her "biological clock" was ticking and she wants a child before she turns 40 (She is 37) I was so depressed with my life I saw no other option but to let her go find someone that could make her happy and give her that which she desired in life. She finally gave me an ultimatum letter expressing her love for me but that it was no longer enough to keep her with me. I let her go and a week later she met some one on a dating site and has gotten into a relationship with him. He seems to meet all the fiscal requirements she was looking for as well as wanting to start a family. I have not seen her since the day we parted and we have only had a few short conversations since then and she bounces back and forth about this guy can support her financially but then she drops a few hints that she is not completely sold on this guy either and always says we don't know what the future holds. I know she still loves me but that doesn't mean much right now. On our last conversation she told me she was proud of the positive steps I am taking to better myself and that it was "inspiring", her exact word. I did drop a bomb on her during our last conversation and she reacted the same as if I told her I was engaged to someone else already. I told her that I have applied for a couple jobs outside the country and that they look very promising. She has always known my desire to move there and now that She is not holding me back any longer, she knows that I very well could be leaving for good. I have been taking the steps to better myself and become more than the man she wanted me to be and I am doing it for me. But hey, let's face it, we all have an ulterior motive and that has been the fuel for me to keep going. In the end it will be a win/win finish, either we will come to love each other more for what we went through or we will move forward in our lives as better people from what we have learned from each other. I have been in NC now for a week and a half and will not contact her again. I love her very very much and never thought it would end this way but circumstances drove a wedge between us. When we do speak again it will be because she contacted me, and if we don't then I wish her the best in her new life.

[BONO]

Great outlook !

[stuka80]

to be honest i dont wanna reconcile with the ex, i just want her out of my life

[nattpanter]

Most of all I want to reconcile with myself, then I`ll think about all the other stuff...

[woodgnome]

Hi Chuck, I can't believe how similar our stories 'seem' to be, as my relationship with my partner was just over 8 years and the disintigration of it slowly crept in over the last 2 years of it.

I just wanted to say though that in our case, we have, after about 4 months apart (but keeping light, friendly contact LFC (lol)), decided that we do still love each other and by admitting my/our faults regarding the breakup, there is a chance for us to work! You seem very honest in your evaluation, which I believe is key to either making a go of it again if our partners are also willing, or to be able to move on ourselves without keeping the grief from allowing us to make new (and hopefully) better relationships. I wish the very best for everyone on the site, having used it as a sourse of (re)direction and inspiration in my first few months alone!!

[Chuck Bartowsk]

to be honest i dont wanna reconcile with the ex, i just want her out of my life

 

Well, Then this thread is not for you. I wish you well on your journey. For myself, I have begun to reclaim me for me but I use the desire to win her heart back to drive me forward.

[Chuck Bartowsk]

Welcome to the group Woodgnome. If you truly love your ex partner, never give up. Mine is in a relationship that even she has questioned whether it could be a rebound. I believe that one day we will start a new relationship together. It's just a matter of faith! Your story gives me more hope. Thank you.

[woodgnome]

I didn't give up, just tried to accept it for what it was Chuck, but I was heartbroken! Luckily, she was still very happy to keep in contact with me, and because I showed her I'd accepted her decision was the right one at the time (we could never have carried on as we were and survived!), and worked on the areas that were very problematic (work: I am a very hard worker, when I work, just not consistent; self employed. Maturity: 50 and still act like a 20/30 yr old!!), she has started to see me as the man she fell in love with! I started to do a lot of research on sites like this one (and the excellent Al Turtle site) and see a counciller/therapist. When she heard I was seeing a therapist, she was happy to agree to see him as a couple, and we now sit down and talk quiet carmly about our problems/disagreements/resentments. I have not moved back in with her, and will not do so until we (and especially she) feel the time is right, could be 6 months, might be 2 yrs!! We go out on dates (Kings of Leon were fab!), I come round and cook, we go on long walks (I know, sounds corny and too good to be true?) but we both agreed that when we work, we have something very special. I even thanked her for the seperation to allow us to have the chance again! plus I have apologised profusely for my behaviour that caused it! I think that by trying to follow all the sensible ideas and guidelines on this site (even though your emotions are very raw at the time as mine were!), there is hope for some, if not a lot (or all) of us to reconcile effectively. Unfortunately we all have different back stories, relationships and attitudes, which will obviously cause different outcomes!

[Chuck Bartowsk]

Woodgnome, Your story is inspiring and I wish you both the best. Keep us posted on your progress. Unfortunately I feel I won't hear from my ex for a few months at the soonest if ever again. Her view of what life is supposed to be is a textbook point of view circa 1957.

[woodgnome]

I think that's what I meant about us all being different Chuck, and what either attracts us to or repels us from possible (life) partners! We both shared the same 'life's what you make it' ideal, but I was beginning to get a bit disillusioned and bitter about not being successful or achieving anything in my life (which, by the way was NOT true at all, as I had been married, had a lovely house, two lovely children, was fit, healthy, had a variety of good friendships, and was quiet respected by more people than I thought!!). My partner was (over a long period of time) seeing this and really trying to help me through this 'depressive' and damaging behaviour, but in the end, I couldn't see the wood for the trees! She came to the realisation that if I couldn't help myself (WITH her help), what was the point in her trying on her own!! Looking back, I understand how selfish I was being as my partner had enough to contend with herself: Three great daughters, a house to keep, a change in careers, a hystarectomy (spell lol?), and it was all getting too much for her. I now know (as she has admitted since) that by finishing the relationship, she was giving us at least a chance to salvage it (possibly, not definitely) if we worked on ourselves individually. It took over 4 months to initiate our reconcilliation and will be a work in progess (he he) for as long as it takes (hopefully a lifetime.......!)

[woodgnome]

Thouht I'd let you know how things are going so far (so good!), We've just booked a week in Italy (Rome, Florence and Tuscany!!). Really looking forward to it as we hadn't been on a (proper) holiday for a couple of years. My partners youngest daughter (15) is coming with us (as it is as much for her to have a nice time away, and she has wanted to go to Italy for years!). We are having quiet a productive time together as we are going through the Al Turtle information website once a week, picking out a subject that we feel is relevant to our situation. We both read an article in our own time and then ask each other our thoughts and opinions as to what we had learnt from it! and how we could use the info to improve our relationship (and obviously not go back to our old habits etc). Each time we do this, we seem to have a better understanding of what went wrong and how, and more appreciation for each others values (wants and needs, likes and dislikes). Our communication is improving vastly, as I feel I can now open up to her on situations I used to clam up on (go silent!), and she feels she can now openly approach me about (without coming to loggerheads). That's it for now, I hope what I am writing is giving everyone help, or at least food for thought! At one point, I would perhaps like to write an article on what happened from our breakup to reconcilliation (could someone tell me where I go and how I submit it? I'm a bit computer iliterate I think!), as I can't fully understand why people who have been successful through the use of this website, are so quick to abandon it when they must know they might be able to help with their stories of how they managed to get back together??

[DaveCummings]

Woodgnome,

 

I'm not so certain there are that many success stories of reconciliation to be honest. I'm glad you seemed to find yourself someone who recognized the good from the bad and saw how much that meant to preserve. How both of you had recognized the importance and to acknowledge it's existence. I think it's more rare than common place. With that said, I know I'm a firm believer in "if you take away their reasons for leaving, all they have are themselves". If one can consider that it really means becoming the person you weren't, so that the individual who left can see the decent person you were when they first met you, then remaining decent and correcting bad behaviours/thoughts/habits will only help us "win".

 

Chuck Bartowski,

 

I didn't have quite the same length of a relationship with my most recent love, but I know we lived together for 8 months and due to money stress and other life issues (ie being unhealthy/fat, unsuccessful and depressed about myself) I know all these things just were too taxing on the both of us. I still had no doubt that if I had been in a better, more rewarding job or career even, that we'd still be together to this day. If only I didn't behave like such a baby either.

 

I don't know of your situation as it stands past the fact that she didn't seem to waste time finding someone new, who is able to provide her what she wants and yet she has shown her hesitation. So obviously there's always hope. I know what you mean in the the driving of a wedge part and I definitely have this awareness. For the longest time I just did everything I could to get her out of my mind, just so I wouldn't have to deal with the wreck that I was. Something you clearly are doing for yourself as well. All we can do is hope and wait right?

[markyspark]

Hi Chuck, and everyone else on this thread..

 

I'm in the same boat..I don't intend to give up on wanting her back...I'm not going to make it my every waking thought..I need to work on me (which is hard, given i was last in a permanent job in 2008, and have temped since - I need some job stability!) - I think that time away from her has made me see certain areas of my situation with more clarity - I've still got a few more things to do on me (blimey..i sound like a car in need of a service!) and certain parts of my life I have been able to 'refresh' and see that I might have been wrong on a few things.

 

My situation is impounded by a few things 1) - we have a child together, who was born after we split - wasn't invited to the birth, havent seen her since - and shes one next week) - I have been cut out of her life completely (I won't bore everyone on the legal thing!) - 2) - I'd like to tell her I'm sorry, but to her face, as I feel she deserves that (I admit I'm not totally innocent though) - but getting her to talk to me isn't proving easy..getting her to meet me in person, may take a while!..3) - due to hormones etc, we had some minor tiffs before we split (didn't speak for about 2 weeks each time) - and I get the feeling shes worked on the 3 strikes and you're out rule..

 

the thing is - re: point 2 - If I tell her I'm sorry (which I do want to do) - I'm not all that bothered about the weakness thing - I am just not sure if she will just use it to "beat me with a stick" in court at a later time - I feel she deserves telling face to face, and not in a card, on the phone, e-mail etc..

 

I don't just want her back in my life because of the baby..I want her back because we were such a perfect fit it was uncanny - I'm not saying i'll not find anyone like her again, but I feel it could take a while!

 

 

But..getting back o/t - WoodGnome...yes, your story gives us hope - and its somewhat inspiring - do keep us posted.

 

ta

 

Markyspark

 

PS - mods..feel free tostart this as a new thread if needs be..lol

[lemsip]

Woodgnome, Your story is inspiring and I wish you both the best. Keep us posted on your progress. Unfortunately I feel I won't hear from my ex for a few months at the soonest if ever again. Her view of what life is supposed to be is a textbook point of view circa 1957.

 

Chuck & Woodgnome. Can I join your club?!

 

Same with me. 8 years, engaged, kinda went downhill in the last year. I'm 30 and she's 32 and wants kids soonish, I was undecided (until she split with me, it hammered home how much I did actually want her and a family. In my immaturity I just hadn't really thought about it in depth.) It's too late now though... I pushed her away and she started seeing someone a few days before she split with me. (We had a 4 month break too only ours didn't work like yours Woodgnome). By all accounts this guy is a bit older, a bit more traditional, and probably she sees him as a safe bet. It's been 1.5 months since the split, she's still with him and we're starting proceedings to sell our house. Balls, eh?