Out of long term relationship into long distance/sex too soon?

[Lotus2011]

My Boyfriend of many many years and I split about a month and a half ago we were 23/24. It was not amicable, and it was not mutual. He had been emotionally cheating on me. I took the advice of friends to jump right back in the game after the break up. I was devastated to say the least but I sort of saw it coming which made things a little easier. I can confidently say that I have no interest in ever being with my ex again because he obviously was not the person I thought he was. I signed up for an eharmony account, and was matched with a guy who lives two hours from me. We corresponded over e-mail for a bit, he is simply amazing. He is intelligent, witty, grounded, respectful and thoughtful. I really like this guy. The only thing is that he lives two hours away. We had our first date three weeks ago, we met half way between his city and mine and went out for sushi. The date lasted 4 1/2 hours and I have never felt so comfortable with anyone. He kept me laughing and we are very much in tune on so many levels. The next day he called me and asked if he could see me again, I happily agreed. I ended up going to his city two weeks ago. He took me to dinner, a museum because he knows I like to paint, and to a movie. It was a very thoughtful date and I ended up spending the night. We didn't have sex that night but we did do other things. I can't really explain this any better but I feel like I have been touching him my entire life if that makes any sense. It just feels so natural and he said that same thing. He actually told me that he's never felt this way about anyone in his entire life, and while I haven't had much experience outside of my previous relationship I feel a crazy connection with him. He even asked me about exclusivity which I declined, I do not want to take things too quickly nor do I want to miss out on a opportunity. Well, we have been talking throughout the week, a lot. Over text, the phone, skype, and over chat. We literally talk all day, and I can't get enough of him. I am going to see him again this weekend, although I haven't agreed to exclusively dating yet in terms of a label, I told the rest of the guys who were interested in me that I have already found someone else. So here are my main questions:

 

1. Is it too soon to have sex?

1a. Will he respect me less if we do have sex this weekend?

2. Am I moving on too fast from my past relationship?

3. Is it too soon for us to date exclusively?

4. How difficult is it to be in a relationship with someone who you primarily see on the weekends?

5. Since we are already acting like we are exclusive is there harm for using a label?

 

Thank you in advance for your answers

[mouseno4]

That is odd. You refused exclusivity, but announced to the world you are seeing someone. Contradictory much?

 

1. Only if you feel ready to go that far.

1a. Being too easy and too soon can lead to being less interested yes - but being far too hard to get and taking too long can do the same thing.

2. Yes. I think so.

3. That is up to you. Some people say 2-3 dates, others 5-6 dates.

4. No idea.

5. I dont see why not. It is just a title you yourself put on the relationship.

[banal]

You say that he's amazing and that you have a "crazy connection" with him. Why deny exclusivity?

 

I will say that it's tough to be in a relationship with someone you can only see on weekends. Many reasons why. One which you might not think of immediately is that, when you see someone only on say Saturday, that Saturday becomes monopolized. Sometimes you might want to spend that Saturday with friends or doing something else - but then, if you do that, you won't see him for what will amount to two weeks. And it might make him resentful. Not easy at all.

[Lotus2011]

That is odd. You refused exclusivity, but announced to the world you are seeing someone. Contradictory much?

 

1. Only if you feel ready to go that far.

1a. Being too easy and too soon can lead to being less interested yes - but being far too hard to get and taking too long can do the same thing.

2. Yes. I think so.

3. That is up to you. Some people say 2-3 dates, others 5-6 dates.

4. No idea.

5. I dont see why not. It is just a title you yourself put on the relationship.

 

 

Sure you are right, I definitely do see the contradiction in my actions vs thoughts. He was the one who decided to have the chat with me on Sunday and while I like him very very much I just felt like I wasn't ready to put a label on anything that we have regardless of how special it feels. I do not want this guy to be my rebound. I am not sure how you can define who is your rebound and who is not. Is it the length of the previous relationship? The break between the previous and when you meet? He is already very important to me, and I to him. He had been in a long term relationship in fact had asked his gf of four years to marry him two years ago and they broke up shortly after. We spoke very emotionally intimately on Sunday when I told him I wasn't ready to make that commitment just yet. However to him, labels are important, and he said that when he finds something he wants he goes for it, that something being me. I do not want to hurt him which is why I said I wasn't ready. However, the more and more we kept in contact this week the more I realized that I may be falling for him. We already communicate on a level that screams exclusivity, and more than just casual dating, so I began to think what is the worst that could happen if I agreed to be his girlfriend exclusively?

[mouseno4]

It depends really on the person. Some people take 6 months to get over their ex. Some take 2 weeks. It is entirely up to the individual and the relationship. Some relationships can be finished long before it becomes ''official''. So the healing is already done by the time it does become official.

 

In my personal opinion, you are ready when your ex does not enter your thoughts all the time, and the only time you are ready is when you can freely think about your ex at will without feeling anything for them.

[Lotus2011]

It depends really on the person. Some people take 6 months to get over their ex. Some take 2 weeks. It is entirely up to the individual and the relationship. Some relationships can be finished long before it becomes ''official''. So the healing is already done by the time it does become official.

 

In my personal opinion, you are ready when your ex does not enter your thoughts all the time, and the only time you are ready is when you can freely think about your ex at will without feeling anything for them.

 

While I was still surprised it happened, there was a good month and a half where I could feel he was retracting. We had pretty much nearly broken up last Winter but he changed his mind. He decided he wanted to work on things, so we were trying. I haven't cried over him in weeks, and I have no desire to see him, or know anything about him. I think my heart has been cold to him for awhile.

[Lotus2011]

You say that he's amazing and that you have a "crazy connection" with him. Why deny exclusivity?

 

I will say that it's tough to be in a relationship with someone you can only see on weekends. Many reasons why. One which you might not think of immediately is that, when you see someone only on say Saturday, that Saturday becomes monopolized. Sometimes you might want to spend that Saturday with friends or doing something else - but then, if you do that, you won't see him for what will amount to two weeks. And it might make him resentful. Not easy at all.

 

Good point, this is something that has crossed my mind also. I do not want to get sucked into a relationship that consumes all of my free time when I could be hanging out with my friends.