Boyfriend is a total loser

[pippafruit]

Apologies in advance, I think this might be one of those "non-problems"

 

I have been with my boyfriend for three years. The first 8-9 months of the relationship were horrible; I felt a little pulled into the relationship, partially by emotional blackmail, and by my own lonliness and low self-esteem (probably made worse by him). At one point his behaviour towards me climaxed and was pretty close to emotionally abusive - my willpower turned to jelly and I felt my soul depart. He then realised during some sort of epiphany how he was acting, and cut it out.

 

It's been two years since that epiphany. He has completely changed; he has been pretty close to what can be called a good man. He genuinely means well, and has realised the error of his ways. He lied a little, from time to time, but essentially he was doing pretty well. The malicious comments and insults stopped. Things were getting better.

 

However over the past few months I have been irritated by him for the pettiest of reasons, I haven't voiced any of these to him, because I feel like they would do no good being mentioned. But these little irritants have been enough to make me want to disappear in the night.

 

He comes in drunk, and acts like a loud and obnoxious fool. He has gained weight and doesnt seem to be planning to do anything about it - I still pay him compliments and I have not complained - but I'm becoming less and less attracted to him every second. He can't hold down a job, although he tries. He doesn't apply himself in his work, he'd rather just play computer games. (I have a little bit of knowledge in his type of work, but I'm by no stretch a graduate (which he is supposed to be), but I feel that with a little perseverance and application, even I could do better than his feeble attempts at the subject he has been 6 years qualified in) He acts like a 14 year old whenever there are pretty women on the television. He is moody and jealous. We could be watching television and he will "jokingly" accuse me of crushing on whoever is on screen, and will spend months and months lording that specific actor over me. All in fun, of course.

 

This man is supposed to be ten years older than me (i'm 21, he's 31).

 

Whenever I touch upon issues I have, he just sinks into this depressive state and cries, while saying to himself "I'm such a wanker, oh god.... i'm.... such a .... oh", and then guilt trips me by reminding me how much he changed.

 

It is the early hours right now, and he is in bed, snoring loudly, (I think I heard him masturbate a little earlier tonight)

 

He will be away for the weekend, I am tempted to try and leave in his absence.

 

I'm not quite sure what I am asking from this thread, I suppose I just needed to rant and see it written down. Thanks for reading, and thanks for any responses!

[dramallama]

Why can't he hold down a job? Does he get fired or does he just quit?

 

I think you're at the point where you've decided to leave. You don't need a reason to leave, remember that. If it's not working for you, just leave. Life is too short. Especially if he blackmailed you into being with him in the first place.

[AwdreeHpburn]

This is no cross roads you're at. I agree with llama - you've all but decided. However, bolting under cover of night is far less than noble and will not ease the pain for him OR for you. You're bored, un-happy and this will turn quite ugly in no time. If you don't leave, things will go from currently bad to futuristic-ly catastrophic. Seriously, I've been there. A man you're disgusted by, embarrassed, of etc.? There's no future there. IMO... sorry for being so blunt...

[chitown9]

 

 

 

He will be away for the weekend, I am tempted to try and leave in his absence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like a plan...in fact, it sounds like an excellent plan. Where will you go?

[dramallama]

I think a good compromise would be to move out all of your stuff when he is away so that NOTHING is left at the house. And then you can leave him a note that you will call him later to explain - and then do it. He at least needs a goodbye or an explanation. Make sure that you are clear that there is nothing that can be done to change your mind and that you just aren't in love and that you two cannot stay in touch. I have a feeling that he will try to talk you out of it or guilt trip you into staying. If he threatens suicide, call his parents and they will handle it.

[elcie]

This is a very sad post for me to read!

 

You have been with this man for THREE years!!!....and yet not once did you say that you felt any love, or even liking, for this man at any stage in your relationship!

 

He seems to have taken advantage of your lack of emotional strength to coerce you into staying with him and even now....when it looks as if you have finally decided to leave him, you fear to tell him of your decision face to face.

 

From what you've written then YES you should leave this man. If you can't tell him yourself then write a letter. Then you should make positive steps to start becoming more assertive about your own needs. Develop some of your own interests, become more confident, anything.......so that you do not find yourself in the same situation with someone else!!

[mouseno4]

I get the distinct feeling, this has nothing to do with him. More to do with why you are still with him. You know he is bad for you, and you even proved it to yourself as well. So why are you still with him?

[pippafruit]

I know that leaving in his absence is the extremely cowardly, I wasn't seriously going to. I suppose I wrote that as an expression of how I feel.

 

I have no idea what to say to him though. I know that this breakup will kill him.

 

Thanks for the replies, Dramallama, Audree and chitown9.

[joswsieg]

You should try to talk to him about these issues if you love him. Give him time to work on them and let him know that you are dead serious about the changes you want to see in him. Please be honest with him about wanting to breakup though. I can tell you from experience that it's absolutely the worst feeling in the world when someone you love 'jumps' you with the breakup card and just outright leaves- it's horrible. REMEMBER- always breakup with someone in a way you would like to be broken up with.

For me that equals: respect, compassion, and fair warning.

[dramallama]

I know that leaving in his absence is the extremely cowardly, I wasn't seriously going to. I suppose I wrote that as an expression of how I feel.

 

I have no idea what to say to him though. I know that this breakup will kill him.

 

Thanks for the replies, Dramallama, Audree and chitown9.

I would move most, if not all of your stuff out while he is gone. And then tell him in person that it's over. Keep it short and sweet and don't let him talk you into staying if you know you need to leave. I think attraction is either there or it isn't, and it's a lesson to him that you cannot guilt someone into being with you because they will just run away sooner or later, and the lesson for you is to be more assertive and not settle for someone when your heart isn't in it. The time that you are single will be great for thinking about what you want in a partner.

[AwdreeHpburn]

It doesn't matter if you intend to actually leave unnoticed or not. Your expression was of how you feel. You don't feel brave enough to tell him - I don't blame you.

 

It's not cowardly to not want to see someone in pain. THAT part is completely understandable. You do understand however, that it is WAY more cowardly and passive and what ever other adjective, to stay for fear of hurting him?? Don't you? I applaud your desire to not want to hurt him, but the fact is, it will. And it will cause you discomfort to see it. But you owe him AND yourself that much dignity.

 

Move your stuff out whilst he's gone, fine. Make the transition easier. But DO tell him and DO leave. For your future self and for HIS future happiness.

[pippafruit]

thanks so much, I will try and move things out while I have the chance! I have just texted the only two people who could help me move, but they're not available this weekend. I will need to wait for another opportunity.

 

I do think that the moving things out first, THEN telling him is the best plan. I believe this is the best method for the both of us. Thanks so much for replying! (However, do keep replying, I feel stronger with every response.)

 

I think I will write a letter as well, just to set in stone what my reasons are, because he is also very good at making my reasons feel petty and putting words in my mouth. A few of your comments so far have given me good ways to word it.

[catfeeder]

Don't concern yourself with form, get out any way you can. There is no judge and jury that needs to approve of your reasons or your exit. If you feel trapped, that's all you need to know. Escape first--decide all else later.

[dramallama]

Are you sure that you couldn't move everything out this weekend?

[pippafruit]

Impossible, the nearest place i can move my things to (my parents) is 100 miles away, a few cities over. It will not be this weekend. Soon, though!

[jengh]

Can you get your parents to help? I'm sure they'll be more than happy you're leaving him. From the sounds of it, he sounds like a miserable person to be with.

[jengh]

I'm just afraid if you don't do it this weekend, you'll lose strength and waste more of your time with him, you know?

[MyNinja]

I'm glad you realized this relationship wasn't worth the emotional stress. Being in a relationship a few years ago that mirrors this one I can tell you leaving is the easiest move.

 

I think you were getting annoyed at the "small things" because deep down you were just tired of all the emotional abuse and getting fed up with his behavior. That was the turning point. Please don't be persuaded otherwise by any guilt he may try to play out. It should be expected. Remember the crap you had to endure and may continue to endure if you were to stay.

 

I just one day got up and left. My ex was being very mean and emotionally abusive to me (almost everyday for a year) and gave me the silent treatment all the time. Something clicked in my head where I said, "This is it. I can't do it anymore". I told him the same day that it was over and he put up a big fight and then left for his place. Later, he kept calling and calling leaving voice messages. He threw such a fit like a little kid it was crazy.

 

That same night I felt like a demon was removed from around me. I felt so light, relieved and at peace. I knew I had taken out the trash

[pippafruit]

Thanks MyNinja, it gives me hope to hear how you felt afterwards! Thanks, and well done to you!

 

And, I really need to settle this to those who are urging me to get out this weekend, I would love to, but it is a physical impossibility, i wish I had had this turning point even just a few weeks ago when I could have planned for this weekend in advance. And by "parents" I actually really mean my mother, who doesnt drive and is really ill and doesn't have a lot of money, she'd be helping by having me there to live! None of my friends have cars and can afford to help cause they are mainly all students my age, and of those who do drive, they work weekends and in the aforementioned city that is about 100 miles away, which is too much to ask for something that can wait. I am determined, and I'll have you guys to answer to if I dont! I'll write when I have done it!

[MyNinja]

yes, keep us updated

[hrtlsngl7]

LEAVE!!! RUN QUICKLY NOW!!! Your relationship isn't gonna go anywhere. I was in the same situation w/ a woman...she even tried to guilt trip me into coming back. I dissappeared on her. There's nothing cowardly about it. You are doing it for your own good!!! Imagine 10 more years of your life w/ him or worse...having kids w/ him? LEAVE.

[chitown9]

it is disappointing, I am sure for you, to realize that moving this weekend is a physical impossibility. However, you can get your ducks lined up for the next opportunity and make a run for it. The time between now and when you do make your departure will not be so trying as it has been in the past because you will going about your days until that time with the knowledge that this will come to an end very soon. I think that moving in with your Mom is an excellent idea. She is sick and she needs you in more ways than one. Try to visit with her as much as you can before you make the move. I am sure she is pleased with your decision to make your life better.