How should I go about this?

[MrsAshton]

I have been seeing Jeff* for six months. We have essentially been getting to know each other, fooling around, and not being exclusive at all. We had what I thought was a fun, sexual, open relationship. I have been seeing other guys and he knows this. He, however, hasn’t been seeing anyone but me. In the past month though, he started seeing this girl that is the complete opposite of me. I would rather not speak of her negatively because it can fuel more negative feelings about the situation but she’s the last girl I’d come close to considering a rival; that’s nice for “unattractive”. Inexplicably I actually feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and rather disappointed. What puzzles me is that I never wanted to get serious with Jeff*. I never planned to, hence why I never agreed to his indirect pushing for exclusivity (which is probably the reason why he started seeing her in the first place).

 

Due to the feelings I have regarding this situation I have been avoiding him. Every time he mentioned her, I would act disdainfully and I know it. I avoided him because I didn’t want to have to explain these foolish feelings and I certainly did not want to keep acting senselessly. I have cried endless tears over what I feel is betrayal and I can’t hide this behavior from him. Does anyone have an idea why I feel this way? Rationally I can see that there’s no reason why I should feel this way. I was doing more with other guys than what he has done with her. We were not exclusive. I know it is a double-standard but get this: I feel hurt and depressed and I cannot help it.

 

I feel like I just want to keep distancing myself from him but how can I “break-up” with him when we’re not even “together”? And also, why would I feel this way? I have never felt jealous of anyone before. As a matter of fact, I always thought jealousy was foolish.

[Kitkat973]

Jealousy is rarely a rational emotion. From what you've said, Jeff had his attention focused solely on you. He wanted more, and that was how you'd come to view the situation. By being with someone else, he's showing that his attention is no longer solely on you, and that he's moved past the desire for exclusivity. Even if you didn't want what he was offering, it can still hurt when someone's affections lessen- especially as you feel like you're in direct competition with this girl.

 

I don't think it means that you want something more with Jeff, but as much as it feels like a betrayal, you have to remember that he adhered to the rules set out for your relationship.

 

If you're not okay with the current situation, you CAN "break up" with him. Simply tell him that you want to stop seeing him romantically.

[Glowguy]

It's good that realize the double standard, but yeah that isn't going to shut off the feelings. I sounds like you just got more emotionally invested than you thought you would and it's having unexpected consequences. I don't get the sense that you have changed your mind about being exclusive so it's probably for the best that you stop seeing him so you can move on. IMO, the best thing to do would be to tell him honestly that's it's become too difficult to continue any kind of relationship. It will probably be a lot easier than a normal break up, since you are both already seeing other people.

[Eocsor]

Well, you were trying to have your cake and eat it too, but when the tables were reversed you couldn't handle it. Maybe you thought he'd always be there for you but when he moved on and found a nice girl, you realized what you'd lost. Or you may simply want him now that you can't have him all to yourself.

 

Is he contacting you? If he is simply tell him the truth and be done with it.

[Tryptophan]

I think the situation here has more than a lot to do with self-esteem, a rather high one at that. You liked the fact that he had all his attention you and you could be with other men at the same time (maybe serious men?). He probably assumed that's what you wanted out of the relationship because that's what you were doing as well. You liked having him there "begging" for exclusivity, and constantly rejecting him. How good did that ego-boost feel?

 

I think you were just using him, maybe unconsciously, for attention and to feed your self-esteem/ego. It's a common tactic for narcissists to seek this type of "supply" whether consciously or unconsciously. Once his attention wasn't 100% on you, you got hurt. It shattered part of your self-esteem. It broke your perception of yourself. You became second page news and you got disappointed. You can't believe this because you're just incredibly attractive and well, what could he ever see in this other poor ugly girl? How dare he put you as second-page news when it is obvious you deserve front page? And you feel oh-so betrayed.

 

Your usually high self-esteem got a dose of reality. Sorry to put it so bluntly but I'm familiar with these feelings so I understand you.

 

It sounds like narcissistic/pathological jealousy, and he was your narcissistic supply. The supply withdrew, and you didn't authorize it. You're used to moving the pieces in the chess table and this wasn't the case. Completely normal. I do believe you're hurt though. I believe it's normal to feel depressed when someone with a high self-esteem receives a blow to it. Narcissists usually get depressed when they realize that maybe they aren't as great as they thought they were. It can be quite difficult to recover.

 

I think you should just tell him it's over. Be ready to find new supply.

 

Not diagnosing, but it does sound like it. I'm just hypothesizing.

[DN]

Perhaps you have deeper feelings for him than you thought.

 

So - what do you want from him now?

[pippafruit]

Him not seeing others and then suddenly after six months deciding to, is a bit of a breach of your routine, perhaps it's just a little bit of a shock. In a little while you'll be ok.

 

Or i it because there is only ONE other woman, and not many. Personally, I'd find a bigamous relationship harder than a polygamous one. If this is his first time in a non-exclusive relationship, try giving him time to find his feet.

 

have you had experience of being in a non-exclusive relationship before, where he had other partners?

[MrsAshton]

Here is the situation now. Before I did anything drastic, I knew I wanted to know what he really had with this girl. Therefore, I talked to him about a guy I was seeing; I mentioned what we did what we got together (went bowling—that’s it). It was a rather funny story so I thought that would allow me to relax and get him to reciprocate and tell me about how he is doing with Mary* (the girl I was jealous of). Surprisingly he said to me, “Okay, just keep hitting the friend zone.”

 

Oddly I felt relieved that he contradicted what in my mind was already confirmed. We talked for a while and then he did something he had not said before; he kissed my head and said, “You know I love you – right?” I didn't reciprocate and then there was just a moment of awkward silence but he broke it by saying “Don’t worry; I’m not in love with you.”

 

Now here is the problem:

 

Perhaps you have deeper feelings for him than you thought

 

So - what do you want from him now?

 

 

I have no idea what I want from Jeff. I know unquestionably that I could not even muster enough strength to bear the thought of him being with someone else. Now that he has established he is not serious with her, I am relieved. Yet, my mind does not shift from not wanting exclusivity and selfishly, it still angers me that he still talks to her. It makes me doubt what his intentions are with me.

 

 

You liked having him there "begging" for exclusivity, and constantly rejecting him. How good did that ego-boost feel?

I think you were just using him, maybe unconsciously, for attention and to feed your self-esteem/ego. It's a common tactic for narcissists to seek this type of "supply" whether consciously or unconsciously. Once his attention wasn't 100% on you, you got hurt. It shattered part of your self-esteem. It broke your perception of yourself.

This is most likely true as well.

 

Before he and I got “together”, I had gone through a breakup that completely shattered my self-esteem. He helped me rebuild it in a way by sacrificing his own self-esteem. It felt good to have someone that would give his attention me unconditionally – without expecting the same from me. I do feel like I have used him but not painlessly for me as opposed to what you would probably think. Now that I am no longer the only girl in his life, it is not enough for me, and I feel as if I am back to that shattered self-esteem.

 

I’m starting to believe that perhaps I never really got over the previous breakup but now those feelings are mixed with the new relationship. It just made me insecure and rather needy for certainty.

 

I need help.

[DN]

Well, sooner or later he will meet someone that he is serious about and then where will you be?

[Tryptophan]

 

I’m starting to believe that perhaps I never really got over the previous breakup but now those feelings are mixed with the new relationship. It just made me insecure and rather needy for certainty.

 

 

I think you have everything but certainty in this relationship. And all the uncertainty is mostly coming from you. You need to figure out what you want and stop using him. You want nothing serious, or exclusivity, you don't love him, but you want him to put you on a pedestal and worship you?