cjones22 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 My ex and I dated for two years and broke up last summer. For 6 months we tried to work things out but it just wasn't working. One week would be great, then we would go a week angry at each other. I felt like we were in a battlefield. Constantly had our guards up ready for a fight. It became a terrible habit. I broke up with him and the reason I did was because I was tired of loving someone who I didn't feel loved me the same. He seemed not necessarily unhappy, but not happy either. I felt like I was a burden. And I didn't want to stay in a one-sided relationship so I packed my stuff up and moved out. He claims I did it out of no where, but he didn't even try to get me to stay. He acted angry I packed my stuff. That's when the 6 months of attempted reconcile began. Finally at the very beginning of this year I sent him a 3 page text saying I couldn't deal with the drama and stress anymore. Drama and stress=I felt like he wanted me to beg him to hang out. I always initiated the hanging out with the exception of him leaving the bar at 2 am and needing a place to crash so he didn't have to drive home. I would text him and he would wait hours and hours everytime to reply. I understand if he's busy, but when it's every time i initiate contact I feel like I'm on the bottom of his priority list. I became used to the disappointment and even expected it. But everytime I pulled away he would toss me enough scraps to keep me hooked. This went on for weeks and I kept thinking to myself "If he really loves me, he wouldn't make me feel this way". It seemed like he was always playing games and seeing how much he could get me to beg, but I don't know if that was his intention. No one cheated, we didn't lie (that I know of anyway). I did have a small case of GIGS while we were dating and stayed out all night one night with another girl friend. There were other guys there but absolutely nothing happened, I just hung out with her and that day forth I felt like he never cared the same. Anyways, a week after I sent the long text I found out he had a new girlfriend. They are still together (so they have been together 6 months) and I heard a couple days ago they are moving in together. I just need reassurance I did the right thing by leaving. We have been in NC on my part for the last 6 months but he broke that by coming in my store mostly alone, and one night he brought her in with him. We have this mutual friend, let's call him George. George said that he still talks about me sometimes and sometime in May the ex called my work to ask a question. As soon as I answered he talked to me like we were old friends but I didn't realize it was him. Finally I made that apparent that I didn't know who it was and he said "ugh, really?" and gave me his phone number so I could look up his account. As soon as he said the number I knew who it was and while my stomach went in knots I nonchalantly said "Oh I didn't even realize it was you". George said that the ex mentioned that to him and was pretty irritated. Wonder why he even cares...he's got a new life with someone else now. It was devastating. Especially finding out they are moving in together. I'm doing a LOT better now since I was even 3 months ago, but I still second guess myself. I'm assuming my problem is I keep putting him on a pedastal (honestly, he wasn't that great of a guy. Kind of a douche bag. Yet I can't get over him. I have issues). I keep telling myself that if he loved me he would be with me and not her. Even if he did try to come back I would let him know that it's gonna take a lot of work on his part for me to want to try again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh and I'm 20 and he is 23 FYI Link to comment
strawberryjell Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Your ex sounds a lot like mine. We were on/off and after each honeymoon phase, when we would be great, he would start to pull away....not responding to my texts while he was texting my roommate at the exact same time. Before our last and final breakup (he has a new gf-my ex-friend; I'm not going back to him after that!), he was unusually distant. I admit, I may have been clingy due to his distance, always asking him to tell me what was wrong, but he never opened up to me....he never told me he wanted more space....I wasn't happy in the relationship because he stopped showing he cared, and I find myself thinking that our BU is a good thing, because I can find someone who will actually show affection for me. I think you did the right thing; if my ex didn't shape up after me trying multiple times to talk things out, I probably would have broken up with him anyway. I would keep NC if I were you since he's with a new girl...it's hard-I'm only on day 4, but I know I'll be better and heal faster because of it. Link to comment
rahulrocks Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 You did the right thing when you stepped out of a relationship which was not working for both of you. But you are not doing the right thing now. You are still desiring in your heart that he leaves his gf and comes back to you. What if this really happens ? In that case you would again be bound in the same stale relationship. You would again find yourself in similar situations. The right thing to do now is to forget him completely. Dont pretend that you forget him but try really to forget him. Also forget george and do not contact him as he is unnecessarily playing the role of a messenger from him. Its better for both of you to move on in life. Yesterday never comes again. In the same way what we have left behind is just left behind. There is a lot to gain in future. Link to comment
listed Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 What do you mean doing the right thing? Maybe I didn't read it carefully enough , but it seems like it's over and there's nothing to do but move on? Link to comment
cjones22 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Thanks. I think I second guess myself because there wasn't a traumatic event that lead up to it. It was just over time things seemed to fall apart. I know I need to forget him. It is a process though. I just need more time. Link to comment
cjones22 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 What do you mean doing the right thing? Maybe I didn't read it carefully enough , but it seems like it's over and there's nothing to do but move on? Did I do the right thing by ending the relationship or should I have kept trying Link to comment
Oasiswater Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I know exactly how you feel, about the whole getting scraps thing. My ex dumped me last year then came running back 2 months later. I took her back thinking to myself, "it's okay, she's learned her lesson. We can be together and have everything be perfect again." Wrong. I put in all the effort in the relationship, and she put in absolutely none. Just like you, I came to expect being last on her priority list. I came to expect being told, "I'm busy tonight, maybe some other time." I can relate on the pulling away thing too, when I'd pull away and tell her that I'm unhappy, she'd beg me not to go, and give me some excuse about how she's so completely busy with her life, and this, and that, etc. Eventually I got sick of it, and I told her that I was going to leave, and there was no stopping me. She didn't stop harassing me for about 3 days, until I finally answered her calls and said * * * ? She said that she was sorry and that she was going to be better... She said, "I'm goin to figure this out for you, and I'm going to be the girlfriend that you deserve." Then dumped me two days later, saying, "I just don't love you anymore." I've been NC for a week, tonight, and I know she's going to come crawling back sooner or later, when this catches up to her. What I'm trying to say to you is, I know exactly how you feel/felt and I 100%, whole-heartedly agree with your decision to just leave. This man simply didn't love you enough to put in the effort to make things work. Instead, he just let it go... and you don't deserve that. You deserve someone who will go the extra mile for you, and your relationship. The same way I'm sure you have. The reason he's harassing you is because he ended the relationship on impulse. He did it because he figured everything would be just find without you, and just occupied himself with other things.. apparently, another girl. But like someone said on here last night, people like that can't run forever. The truth will catch up to them eventually, whether it be in the next few months, or in the next few years. But they'll eventually realized what they gave up, and that's when regret will kick in. You deserve someone better, cjones22. Link to comment
rahulrocks Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 @Cjones The best way to move on quickly is to start dating a lot of other guys. It sounds irrational at one level but its the truth. Link to comment
cjones22 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I completely agree. He ran into another woman's arms just because things weren't easy. I got tired of being a doormat. The only thing is you said that he ended it, when I actually I ended it. I believe he didn't want to deal with the work but he was also too much of a coward to end it himself. That's why I walked. And for your situation, in my opinion, she seems extremely unstable. NC is difficult but it's the best way to deal with people like that. I hope everything works out for you!!! Link to comment
DN Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Never break up with someone in the expectation that they will try and get you back. Link to comment
Oasiswater Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I completely agree. He ran into another woman's arms just because things weren't easy. I got tired of being a doormat. The only thing is you said that he ended it, when I actually I ended it. I believe he didn't want to deal with the work but he was also too much of a coward to end it himself. That's why I walked. And for your situation, in my opinion, she seems extremely unstable. NC is difficult but it's the best way to deal with people like that. I hope everything works out for you!!! Sorry I didn't mean that he literally ended it. Emotionally he disconnected from the relationship because of whatever he was using to fill that void. He didn't want to let you go because he was unsure of whether he was making the right decision or not. He acted on impulse, basically putting out feelers to balance everything. I guarantee that he would've came back had he not found the fulfillment he was looking for outside of the relationship. Either way, it was in your best interest to leave, because even if he DIDN'T go anywhere, when one half of a relationship seriously considers ending it and looking elsewhere, the relationship is already done. Link to comment
Oasiswater Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Even if he did try to come back I would let him know that it's gonna take a lot of work on his part for me to want to try again. I would say that you're on the right track, and that you should actively start trying to dismiss this idea. Forget it. Forget the relationship completely, and the possibility of any future with this man. Getting back with an ex after they've been with someone else is a daunting task. It only looks easy, until they confess their undying love for you... That's when you start to question their honesty, loyalty, and love. It builds resentment with you, and it's never pretty. You're better off alone at this point, where you can put all of that effort and all of that time, into loving YOURSELF. Link to comment
cjones22 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I would say that you're on the right track, and that you should actively start trying to dismiss this idea. Forget it. Forget the relationship completely, and the possibility of any future with this man. Getting back with an ex after they've been with someone else is a daunting task. It only looks easy, until they confess their undying love for you... That's when you start to question their honesty, loyalty, and love. It builds resentment with you, and it's never pretty. You're better off alone at this point, where you can put all of that effort and all of that time, into loving YOURSELF. You're right. I need to let it go. I'm actually moving about 1500 miles away next month so I bet that will help. I'll be closer to family and away from reminders of him. I agree with you about the resentment. The relationship would be even more dysfunctional with that added baggage. I'm ready to move on and even more ready to just not care anymore. I'm so glad I found this website. Wish I would have found it sooner. Link to comment
Melting Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 You did the right thing. You obviously cared more for him, then he did you. Don't ever go back, there is someone out there who will truly cherish you. Good Luck Link to comment
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