I need help, she won't talk to me

[Flywest29]

My gf and I have been off an on again for a year. We got back together this past month after 3 months of light contact. We are long distance and she came to visit me a few weeks and had the best time we have ever had. It was amazing.

 

I just returned from a trip from Europe I went on with my brother and friends. We emailed everyday and it was great lots of I love yous, I miss yous, etc. The last email she sent me was the day before I was set to head back home where she said she wants to make plans to see me when i get home and that she loves me. I told her I couldn't wait to get home and see her and tell her all about my trip.

 

So I begin the long trip back from Europe and she was on my mind the whole time, I couldnt wait to get home and call her and tell her about my trip. The first thing I do when we land, is turn on my phone and tell her "Hello beautiful, I made it!". No response, and once I am out of customs and leaving the aiport I call her phone and no answer goes to voicemail. I leave a message, saying Hi im home, call me,I miss you.......nothing.

 

Before bed that night, send her another text telling her I miss her and to call me. I figure she is out of town for work (we both travel for work, so I know how it is, and sometimes we turn our phones off when in the states). Next day, nothing no text, call, email. So I send her another text asking if she is working, and to text me when she can.....nothing. So I send another one cause now I am getting concerned that something has happened to her......nothing again. Didn't sleep that night, my mind was racing wondering where she is, if she is ok. I am seriously concerned. The next morning I call her again, it rings a few times, so I know her phone is on and goes to voicemail i leave a message saying how worried I am, and to call me asap. Nothing, Im seriously worried, now cause this has never ever happened before. I send a text saying please tell me you are just ok. She finally replies and says "I need to be alone" thats it. i reply right back ask why? whats wrong? is evrything ok?....nothing. I keep asking whats going on? What is happening? I ask if I did something? she just says "no". I said can I do anything to help her? She says "no". I ask her what I am supposed to do she says "nothing". I am stunned, i just can't believe whats happenening. I keep sending her texts to ttell me whats going on, if she is ok. She doesn't respond at all. I probably sent 10 long winded texts telling her how worried, concerned I am, and how this is so unfair to me, to not tell me anything. I was away on a trip and couldn't wait to see her, I get nothing from her. I sent some long winded text last night before I tried to sleep, about how I thought things were good, how I love her, and want her to be ok, and that it hurts so much to keep me in the dark about everything. She responds and says "I told you I needed to be alone, please...." Felt like I have been punched in the gut. I apologized for bothering her and told her i hope she is ok....nothing.

 

This morning I text her again and tell her how much this hurts, and its killing me not knowing whats going on, and that she needs to tell me what is going on. It is so unfair to me to keep me in the dark, and to tell me if she doesn't want me in her life. She still hasnt replied.

 

I havent slept in 2 nights now, and have this sick feeling in my stomach, and can't concentrate on anything. She won't give me one reason, explanantion on what is going on. She has never done this before, I feel so helpless and lost. It really hurts, we have been the happiest we have been ever up till the other day.

 

Please someone any advice for me.

 

btw I am 30 and she is 40.

[tresqua]

My advice is to stop texting her and leave her alone

[blackhawks1287]

Oh wow...you need to stop contacting her...like now...

 

You need to take a hint, and leave her alone UNTIL SHE RESPONDS....

 

That is the worst thing you could do is to keep contacting her over and over with no response and you are essentially pushing her away. Especially if you guys already have problems (which we here do not know why you are "on and off again" especially after a split of three months.

[OrangeSlice]

My advice is to stop texting her and leave her alone

I agree with what tresqua said.

[TakingtheBlame]

Why were you on and off again for a year? A year is not a very long time when one is in his or her 30's and 40's (in my opinion) and if this relationship was already on and off again, I wonder if it was ever stable or potentially long-term to begin with. I would consider whether whatever was causing the instability until now has been identified and/or solved and whether it is something that CAN be solved. I would also leave her alone since she has made it very clear that that's what she wants right now, and pushing for an explanation isn't going to help.

[Flywest29]

I know I need to stop, I have probably caused too much damage now. I am worried cause she has had a health issue, and was expecting results sometime soon, and I don't know if this is what it is. It is just killing me cause it was less than 2 days since everything went from good to bad. It really hurts me that she can't tell me what the hell is going on. I mean i havent spoken to her on the phone in almost 2 weeks now cause I was away. And was so excited to come home and tell her about my trip. I am just so lost. I won't send anything else at all. God I thought things were going so well, it hurts a lot.

[Flywest29]

Well we have been on and off for sometime because she isn't always the most stable. She has done crazy stuff in the past, and kinda scared me away in the past. I know I guess I am getting what I deserve for sticking around and thinking things may have changed. Apparently not, I just don't get how things changed from "I love you", "I miss you", "can't wait to see you" to F.uck all! It just boggles my mind, things were awesome a few days ago.......I need a drink

[tattoobunnie]

Wow, consider it was all "I love yous," before-hand, that totally sounds like what a kidnapper would say if someone had my phone, and didn't know how to respond, but generically. I'd do some due diligence, just in case. Call someone who knows her and get the scoop that she's alive and not trapped in a cave. Then, if everything is a go, Erase her number, and let her call you when she's ready.

[MyNinja]

Flywest29, I can fully understand your confusion and hurt. You two were both messaging each other back and forth up until the day you returned and she turns to stone. Yeah, that is a bit baffling.

 

She sounds emotionally unstable and it seems she doesn't know what she wants. She may have been all lovey-dovey hugs and kisses with you, but in the back of her mind she knew what she was feeling and what she wants and all this probably manifested during your trip back home. The realization that she was going to see you may have been too much for her for some reason. It would've have been best if she'd communicated with you, but just leave her alone and do not text her no matter how tempting.

 

Until we meet again...

[Flywest29]

Thanks mo'Nique. Ya I have pretty much lost all my dignity here, I'll keep whatever shreds I have left by not contacting her. I just can't imagine leaving someone I care about in the dark like this. It just kills me. I don't think I have ever felt so stupid in my life, thinking we could actually have a life together. My whole time I was away, I just kept wishing she was there with me experiencing everything. God I feel so f.ucking stupid.

[TakingtheBlame]

Well we have been on and off for sometime because she isn't always the most stable. She has done crazy stuff in the past, and kinda scared me away in the past. I know I guess I am getting what I deserve for sticking around and thinking things may have changed. Apparently not, I just don't get how things changed from "I love you", "I miss you", "can't wait to see you" to F.uck all! It just boggles my mind, things were awesome a few days ago.......I need a drink

 

Don't beat yourself up; the heart isn't always the most logical of organs! You don't deserve any of this at all, but please learn from it. Do you really want a woman with whom the great times are possibly by some sort of internal turmoil or mental/emotional instability? Move on from this. Otherwise, you're in for a lifetime of riding this emotional rollercoaster and I really hope that you see that is no way to live.

[Flywest29]

You are right takingtheblame. I don't need this. I just feel so dumb, I mean I thought about her all the time when I was there. I even bought her a picture for her new place she is moving into......god I'm stupid

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I looked at your other threads about this woman and she seems extremely erratic and unstable. This is simply history repeating itself. If she decides to contact you I think you should end the relationship. She is too unstable.

[livelarge]

Something triggered her. Since she's unstable, there's no knowing what it was. You know, trying to apply logic to the actions of an emotionally unstable person is really just going to drive you crazy. I've been there. It doesn't make them any less unstable and you waste hours of your precious time. And I'm guessing many of those hours are spent beating yourself up.

 

Sadly, the only thing you can do is wait for her to contact you. You can use this time to seriously think about whether you could handle a relationship like this in the long-term.

[Flywest29]

Thanks everyone. I was a fool to think she had changed....she seemed so geniune to me.

[LoveSoDeep]

Not to be mean and I know you know at this point that you went to far. But you need to see how selfish your actions really were.

 

Yes, you were concerned for her so I understand the texting until the point where she said she needed to be left alone. She asked you for one simple thing and instead of giving her the one thing she really needed you pushed for information you felt YOU needed. Don't you see how selfish that is? If by some chance she did get some bad news of any kind and is greiving if she has asked for space then you need to just give it to her. at this point you may have done some damage taht can't be undone but i think you owe her an apology if she ever contact you again.

[okiedokiestomp]

The silent treatment is all about power, control and manipulation through a percieved non-action, however it is a very direct action and basically says to the one in receipt of it that the other person is above discussing the issue at hand. Unfortunately, it leaves tremendous pain, self doubt and feelings of diminishment in it's wake. My ex did this to me as well at the end of things and I made a lot of the same mistakes you are making by repeatedly asking for an explanation...I never got it and I doubt you will as well. Fortunately, you don't need it to move on. Take it from a person who was in a 3 year LDR that had the silent treatment fade out imposed on me, the quicker you can learn to accept that the situation "is what it is" the better and quicker your healing will be. One thing that helped me as I gathered time, distance and perspective away from my ex is "why would I ever want someone in my life who thinks so little of me to treat me in such a poor fashion"? I needed to look at the parts of who I am that put up with that even for a little while. No one deserves the silent treatment but you can learn from it that she very most likely has some things she needs to address and that as painful as the situation is now, she is not the woman for you if she is capable of hurting you in this manner.

[Flywest29]

Lovesodeep I did apologize. I don't think I am being the selfish one. She told me 48 hours before I got home how much she wanted to see me. And if something has happened to her she knows I am there for her. I pushed her to tell what is going on, because I don't think it's right to hold back and give me the silent treatment after returning from a trip. She didnt ask me how it was or how I was feeling after I fell extremely sick on the trip. I felt and do feel that I don't mean anything to her. I know I pushed but I don't care who you are when you tell someone you love them one day then 2 days later they don't speak to you and don't give you a reason that is unaccaptable!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is right on. I have dealt with people who dole out the silent treatment...and typically those people are extremely emotionally messed up..they are selfish, control freaks and emotional abusers. They will pull the silent treatment for no rational reason at all...simply because they feel like it...and if called out on their behaviour, they will hurl all kinds of accusations and abuse. These people are not worth getting upset over because they are the ones with deep deep problems.

[diamond78]

I don't think you are/were being selfish.

 

She knew you were coming back the very next day and gave appearances as if she wanted and couldn't wait to see you again. On the surface, everything looks good and all greenlights ahead.

 

Then you return the very next day and complete silence. No answer or return phone calls. Silence continues after contact ensues. Anyone in their right mind with any sensibility would have answered or at least responded, so that he wouldn't at the very least be worried about her welfare.

 

She only responded after he begged her to at least let him know she was alive and well. What she did was cold and not fair to the OP. If something was going on with her life, she should have said something fairly soon. It takes all of 2 minutes to state that you're going through a tough time and will be in touch soon.

 

For a person to go from level 10 straight to 0 with no warning is enough to make any partner go a bit crazy and put them in panic mode.

 

OP, you already know that you need to stop contacting her now. However, if she returns, I wouldn't be so quick to give her the time of day. She knew you were suffering and didn't care enough to give you a peace of mind until she got her act together.

 

This woman definitely owes you an apology.

[Flywest29]

Thanks diamond. She is/ was my f.ucking girlfriend, of course I'm gonna be concerned or worried about a 180 degree turn in behavior in such a short time. It hurts like hell right now.

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm not saying she was right but listen to yourself....."She didn't tell me. She was holding back from me and I don't think that's right...I was worried." It's one thing to be worried and offer help...you hounded her.

 

I'm not saying there's any excuse for treating someone you love the way she treated you (but you said yourself she's a little unstable) it would have been much nicer of her to share....but the bottom line is she felt she couldn't...and then you wouldn't let it go. She was selfish too. I know it's difficult to admit it but a certain portion of your need for information from her was completely self serving and wasn't in her best interests at all. Actions like this are ont he verge of being controling and I just wanted to point that out to you so you could learn from this experience.

 

I'm not perfect and I have been know to hound people and when I learned it was in a way more about me than about them....that was a big light bulb moment for me. Just trying to help but if you feel I'm way off feel free to just ignore me.

[Flywest29]

I'm not going to ignore you. It's very valid and good advice and I appreciate it.

 

From my point of view the hot and cold behavior is unacceptable. I was lead to believe that I was coming home to a kind, loving woman, who missed me. Instead I came home to a cold hearted b.itch who could care less about how my trip was or how I had recovered from my illness. It was a kick in the balls, big time. Just try to imagine begging your significant other to talk to you after you have been overseas and want to share the experiences you had with them? Let me tell you, it's one of the worst feelings ever. So go ahead bold all the "I" and "Me's" in my post. But I can tell you my motives are 100% unselfish.

[LoveSoDeep]

I do know what it's like to expect to come home to a warm welcome and get sometihng totally different, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But stable or not b**** or not something happened in her life where she thought she needed some time to work through it alone. Although she did ask for it a bit late in the game she did ask.

 

If the fact that she was unable to share her feelings with you for those few days means shes not right for you...then it's probably better you find out now, but not everyone can share their emotions openly just b/c you want to see them. i think you'll be much happier with some one who is able to open up to you....this woman for some reason or other was just not ready to do that.

[okiedokiestomp]

Just curious, how were you guys getting along just prior to your trip? Were there obvious problems? think your original post indicated it was on and off again, so I'm assuming it wasn't all rosey but as soon as you went on vacation she became more intimate in her communication with you (telling you she loves you and such)?

 

Is it possible that she was so threatened and insecure about you going away on a vacation WITHOUT HER that while you were away, she was sunny and all "I love you" to keep your mind on her so that you would not entertain the thought of meeting anyone else, "hooking up" or very simply that she felt insecure about you having fun without her? These could be very real threats in her mind e ven if it's something you would never entertain and are totally committed to her and the relationship. People with commitment issues very often project their own fears on those they are in relationships with. It just seems very odd to me that as soon as your vacation was over she flipped a switch like that.