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Dealing with feelings seeing my ex

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I have been in a 3 yrs relationship with my ex until end of February; with its ups and downs, this relationship was ended much later than it should have as I had lost trust in him and him had started to flirt around, which I discovered acting like a crazy spy and that gave me the force to end the relationship.


I never doubt that he loved me but our relationship started with his jalousy and me providing a lot for him because he was new in the country. He's a strong man in many ways except for communication. I have a strong ability to feel people and don't leave well not knowing; it may be called insecurity. Both together lead to a toxic unsane relationship which we ended anyways eventhough I never stopped loving him, finding him attractive and I've always feel trying everything to make it work, maybe too hard. That song, I love you more than myself so I have to let this end means everything.


We had been able to not talk to each other unless for important matters like mail etc. but resisting pretty well the weakness of calling or writing. I felt I had processed well what happened, why and what to learn from it and what to work for myself (on myself which was close to an affective dependance; not easy to get ride of because appears everytime you start to care for someone u love).


I have had a date with an old * * * * friend with privilege about 2 months after breakup, it felt like relief and it was a miror of who I was then, because it was someone who knew me b4 I was a weak in a relationship, I felt strong again and realised what I have been missing in my relationship: him carying for me, gentleman, listening to what I'd like to do, my favorites, and great into each other pleasing (not one way) sex. I don't see him anymore because he's not gonna be a boyfriend and he's not available to be a friend when I need him to, so we've stop contacted each other after a while; fitted also when I explained him my ex tried to get back toghether... maybe that got him away, and that's ok. So the ex trying to come back is the following story:


He moved out the same day we both said 'enough' but he leaves 2 blocks down, routes don't make us see each other unless we want to. But then mail again and emails he called we were able to talk normally, that 'click' back into him, like he felt good, the conversation we had, he felt confortable telling me things and me listening and telling about family news.. so he called me back again with an invented need, then he asked to see me, I said no, I was too weak to see him and he insisted so I saw him and 3 days in a row, he asked to see me which I did like I thought it could help him talk to someone (he doesn't open up easily) but then, as he asked me to get back togheter and explained he understood all he did wrong (he wasn't alone, I was wrong in some pts too I know don't worry), I first thought for sure no because he admitted his lying problem and his small and one big cheat (I like to think he said he cheated only once; felt very true and destroying for him to admit). So I thought no but then when seeing him again, he explained how he knew I gave this relationship all to make it work and it would be hard to trust again and show everyone Im giving this relationship a chance AGAIN (3rd time) but he would be willing to talk to all these people saying he's sorry he hurt me and he wants to make me happy... I then was thinking about it... maybe.. so, since Im all about telling the truth, I told him I would tell him Ive been with someone.. it was the right thing to do.


He started to make me feel bad again not accepting, jalousy etc. saying how could u do that to me, I have not been able to be with someone since (but he has while in teh relationship so we stop talking and I said for all these reasons we are not healed and back healthy singles, that's not the right move, and, sparing more details, we walk away from each other.


Since then I've been alone until I traveled and enjoyed myself very in all ways and feeling like LIFE is BEAUTIFUL again and trusting that what will happen is meant to be, self confident and everything and I come back, inside I always wish I'd run into him and then, I see him outside my house, I'm stunned, he was supposevely looking at something around the area. My stomach ached, Im happy also troubled and so I told him I felt weird, I had tears in my eyes, I said sorry, don't deal well with this weird feeling inside of me. We talked how he and I were doing, things moving fwd, then we bouth said how good we looked (meant inside and outside and happy for each other) then I left but not able to kiss bye because too much feeling would get involved I was scared, I said it out loud..felt like respecting my emotions. Then I think a lot about him, how I still find him so beautiful (different from attractive which he is too).


Then I let go, but don't stop thinking of him evethough I try to calm it and be reasonable and rational.


Then again yesterday, he sees me while driving Im on my bike, he says hello in traffic.. we don't stop share nice smile, of course Im so happy to see him, so handsome again i think and happy to see him, inside I've been wishing to get into him all week but not pushing it. He doesnt stop so I think oh its better that way but then I continue my route and I see him outside his car waiting for me to pass by. we chat, he's handsome and this time, instead of not wanting to kiss i wished I'd hug him and feel him against me, his muscular chest and huge arms and beautiful face on my head (he's tall too!! ) He talks about him all the way, how he trains so well and enjoys himself with his new 'toys' .. I also think what is this about, being nervous or being himself = all about him. the only thing about me that he asked is: have u trained 2day and what did you buy (I had bags on my arm). I kissed him goodbye this time but didnt feel anything more because of that.


Now I feel I'd like to leave with him for 3 days, do something new, not care about anything or call him to train or eat out... but I know this is not the right thing to do since I had been understanding his not the right one for me, I need someone who care much for me in pampering like I do, in listening like I do, in letting me be myself in good and bad days (sometime emotional I felt I couldnt show it to him to not unbalance his emotions), someone open to his feelings and talking it out. He's also in process of getting his residenceship so only for that, it's better to let this happen to him and he still works in club which is very not easy for a relationship... but I have also the; have we learned enough from ourselves on that break to be able to manage ourselves enough if we give it a try; are we meant to be? So I feel like seing him but I am very much afraid of what that can lead to.. like seeing him hiding it from my closefriends and family.


I'm also afraid that I get this feeling because I am alone, no man in my life and that would be my affective dependance coming out again; so Im thinking I have a long weekend coming, maybe I should leave alone somewhere and explore, learn to be by myself or I don't know. Any thoughts??


Then again

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