Inside my head...the meeting.

[flaminghair81]

What a crazy last 6 months. I went from completely single and OK with it, to a whirlwind romance, to becoming a caregiver, and now a pseudo step-parent. I am barely able to get my head around one change before another came up. Now, I feel that the other things that have happened has taken away from the relationship and I am on a spiral going down, about to lose it all.

 

So, lets step back in time 6 months ago. On December 28th, I had it up to my ears with stupid guys that toyed with women through link removed and with a tall glass full of Scotch in my hand, decided to post on Craigstlist my 100% honest personal ad, also taking a hit a men that had been jerking me around for the last few months. The next day, I had 30+ emails in my inbox from different guys that stated they were perfect for me, that they would be my knight in shining armor. Then there was one from a true smart-ass, just two sentences, one being bluntly honest about men and the other offering conversation. I responded back with a response that was both honest and a bit flirty. Those two emails started 60 between us that night and continued with messenger sessions and then texts over the the next few days. The texts were a mix of getting to know each other, heavy flirting and some sex talk. I was so attracted to this man, even before we met face to face.

 

So, on the 6th day of emails, messenger and texts, I finally give in to his request to meet. I was so nervous. Would this guy take one look at me and tell me to go home? Would I take one look at him and turn around and go back home? He seemed so perfect...but could it really be? He opened the door, our eyes locked and I stood there frozen. He asked me to come in, we hugged. He showed me around his place, a 3 bedroom apartment...but his kids did not live with him full time, but he had their rooms, decorated with their things. Wow! What a great dad! We talked, I was terrified the whole time I was standing in the kitchen watching him cook. He made me spaghetti. We ate. Then he asked if I wanted to play Scrabble. We played a game, still talking, getting to know each other. He told me at some point in the night, he wants to kiss me. My heart started to beat even harder. While playing and talking, he moved next to me and he kissed me. Oh wow, so passionately. My stomach gets butterflies just thinking of it! We finish the game, start watching a movie, his hand on my leg, leaning over to kiss me every once in a while. Finish the movie and realize its 11:30. I need to go home. That kiss goodnight, breathtaking! I did not want to leave, but I did.

[flaminghair81]

The moment I got home, we got on chat. Talked about how wonderful of a night we had. That we really both liked each other. He kept telling me he wished I would have brought a bag and stayed the night. Deep down, I wish I had also.

 

The next morning, in my inbox I had a sweet message waiting, asking me to come over again that night. I agreed. He suggested the overnight bag, I playfully told him that 'we will see' fully knowing I had packed it that morning and had it with me already.

 

I walked in the door, leaving the bag in the car, the hug and the kiss was so passionate. He looked for my bag and pouted. He fried chicken for us, he's such a great cook. I talked with him as he finished cooking. I got really hot in the kitchen, ran down to my car to grab my bag and my Tshirt to change. That made his face light up seeing that I had brought my bag. We ate and talked. Started to watch one of his favorite movies, To Kill a Mockingbird. We did not make it through the movie, we could not keep our hands off of each other. The feelings were just so strong, for both of us.

 

It was late, so we decided to go to bed. I still had not made up my mind to actually have sex with him, but it was really on my mind, as well as his. I have not been the luckiest person in the love/sex department. I loved talking to him, being around him, I did not want to mess it up. Laying there in bed, we talked and talked...then one thing lead to another and we made love. There is a difference between sex and making love, what he and I did was nothing like what I had ever experienced with any of my previous partners. He was gentle and caring, solely focused on me and what I needed. It was an absolutely amazing experience.

 

The next morning (Thurs) was bitter sweet. He was going to visit his children, leaving that afternoon to drive 14 hours to be there for his daughter's recital Friday, spending Saturday with them, then coming back Sunday. When we embraced, i did not want to let go, but I had to.

[flaminghair81]

Throughout the day, he texted me, telling me where he was, of how much he liked me. Then later that evening I got a text that made my heart about stop. "Do you believe in love at first sight?" Wow! How do I answer that? Was what I was feeling for him love? Or was it lust? Or was it just a crazy emotion I could not explain. He asked for a response. "I never did before, but after Tuesday, I think I do". He was still driving and called me before I went to bed. Said he felt a crazy feeling the second that he opened the door. He's never felt this way before for someone.

 

Nervous, I changed the subject. He needed to go to drive more. We texted a bit more while he was driving, then I went to bed. The next morning, he called me after I told him I was up. We talked for a few minutes, then I went on to work and he went to sleep since he had been driving all night. After he was up, we texted. That night I had plans with friends and he had the recital for his daughter, so our contact was here and there. Every time I got a text from him, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside and I could not wait for the next one. After the recital, he spent time with his kids, telling me here and there what they were doing. Telling me he wishes I could be there with him. That he sees his kids so little, but he already misses me. We talked before I went to bed, I love hearing his voice.

 

The next day, he was spending it with his kids, taking them to the mall, giving me highlights. I went to a friends to hang out, then out again that night to support my friend's last show with her band. He told me that he had told his kids about me already, that he thinks that something is really special about me. I then get a text from his daughter, she is 11, almost 12. He hoped it was OK and wanted her and I to start a relationship too.

 

Texts with him and his daughter all night. I was counting down the hours for him to get back. I wanted to put my arms around him so bad.

 

The next morning he drops the kids off with his ex, drives a little then calls me. He's sad to say bye to them, but knows he has someone wonderful that's he's coming home to. The weather was really bad, ice storms and such. Much of the interstate was being shut down. He made it 1/2 way and realized it was too dangerous and he had to stop for the night. I had sent him a picture of my cat sitting in my overnight bag as I was packing it for the next night. Shortly after that I get a text..."I miss you so much girl! Thanks for the pic! I love u!". My heart stopped. What should I respond. What was going on?

 

I responded that I miss him too and that I am counting the minutes before we're together. Then I get a call. He sent that text to me by mistake. His daughter's name is the same as mine, though he has her in his phone under a nickname, he put in mine by mistake. That took a HUGE weight off my chest. I am sure that is what I was feeling, but I just did not expect it so quick and though a text.

 

We said goodnight and that we could not wait to see each other the next day. I missed him so bad so fast. wow.

[flaminghair81]

That Monday, he started driving back as I was going to work. We texted each other the whole day. As he got closer to being home, the more excited I was. I swear, I never had so many butterflies in my stomach as I did as I counted down the seconds until 5pm when I could leave. The time struck 5, and I was out of the office like Speedy Gonzales! Walking up his stairs, my heart was pounding. This man that I met via email 2 weeks ago and who I've only seen in person will be waiting for me. Will he still feel the same? Will I still feel the same? He opened the door as I was close to the 3rd to last stair. I don't remember even touching the last two stairs and I was in his arms. His warm embrace filled my soul with something that it had been missing for so long. He whispered in my ear, "I love you". A little scared, but yet so confidently, I whispered "I love you too".

 

Dinner was on the stove and was left on warm and needless to say, we went back to the bedroom to reunite with all of our bodies, hearts and souls. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. He barely took his eyes off of me the whole night. He kept making me blush every time we caught eyes and he was staring at me. In his eyes, there was so much being said to me. I felt love, and comfort.

 

Every night after work that week, I went to his place and stayed over, checking on my cats back at home each morning or at lunch. Every day we got to know each other more closely, our conversations were so deep. We could laugh together, be sad together, be serious together and also be goofy. I have never met someone that I was able to be who I was around them. I did not feel like I needed to hold back. We talked about our pasts, the good and the bad. We both agreed that trying to change someone is not anything either of us wanted to do. We promised each other that we will not hid who we are, that we are who we are and that is what we love about each other.

 

All seemed so perfect, almost too perfect.

[flaminghair81]

Were AMAZING! We were absolutely crazy for each other. We emailed and texted all through the day, and were together every night. He met my family, I met his that lived here. He met my friends, I met his. When we were together, we were always touching in some way. The amount of passion that we shared for each other was so clear to anyone that saw us together. It was pure bliss.

 

During our first month, he stated a second job that he had taken before we had met, so it took some of our time away from each other. But still, ever single free moment we had, we were together. We took our first trip together during this time also.

 

Don't get me wrong, we had our moments of not perfect times, but they were few and far between. Most of those "tiffs" were due to me, freaking out of how fast things were moving and how strong I felt for him, I got scared and would lash out. No matter what, we never went to bed angry. Only once was there a bad enough tiff that we did not sleep in the same bed, but again, we had resolved the issue before either of us went to sleep and were fine the next day. Still learning each other and me learning how to handle all of the emotions that I had.

 

How could I fall madly in love with someone the moment we met when I had never experienced love ever before? Was it right? Was it wrong? Was it lust I was feeling and not really love? Infatuation? Also, how could someone love me that much? Was I really worth that kind of love and attention? What about his kids? Would I be liked by them, or not? Would I be resented like I resented my step mom when I was that age? His daughter and I had a great relationship through the daily text conversations, but would that translate when she met me face to face in June?

 

Every time I doubted, he would come in and make my heart so warm with his words and his confidence in us, how much he loved me, that he's never felt like this before with anyone.

 

With my job I travel, so I had traveled a few times throughout those 3-1/2 months. If I flew, he would pick me up from the airport, holding flowers. He made my heart melt. Mid April I had a double trip; gone for three days, back for the weekend, then gone for a week. The day I left, I took off a little early form work to be sure that I could spend time with him, we had a very passionate session of love making, then he took me to the airport. While I was gone, I missed him so much. In the airport coming home, I was so excited to be able to wrap my arms around him in a few hours.

 

Right here is where things started to unravel on us.

[flaminghair81]

Walking to my connecting flight, I just have 1 more hour before I get to see the wonderful man that makes my heart flutter still almost four months into our relationship. I get a phone call, I barely make out that he is going to the ER, he loves me and that's it. I was panicking so much. I called my mom to have her pick me up from the airport since he's going to the ER. That flight was the longest in my life, not know what was wrong, what happened. I texted him before we took off that I loved him so much and to tell me whats going on and what hospital where I can go there as soon as I land.

 

After landing, I got his text, he told me what hospital and I headed straight there after my mom dropped me off at my place. I got there and he was in so much pain. I've never seen anyone in a situation like this. I was so scared and worried because they said nothing was wrong after him being there for 4 hours. While walking out the door after they released him, he hit his knees in pain. They finally decided to give him more pain meds and admit him for further testing. I was thankful because I knew something was not right. The next day the doc came and said he has pneumonia and he was going to call a specialist. The specialist saw fluid on his left lung had tripped in the 24 hours he had been in the hospital,so he wanted to drain it. They could not drain it because it was more solid than fluid, so they called a surgeon in.

 

I felt so helpless, all I could do was just be there for him and help keep his family who most live many states away updated with his situation. I did not go to work that week. I was with him every moment except for about 1-1/2 hrs a day to shower and check on my cats. I even slept up there with him. Four days after being admitted, he had to have surgery to clear out his lung. He was so scared and still in so much pain. He had never been sick before, no surgery, not even a broken bone at 38. Surgery went well, then he was in ICU for 3 days to heal. I was at every visiting hour, starting at 5am and the last at 9pm. After he got out, I was by his side again all the time. Because he hurt so much, I did everything he asked to keep him comfortable. I washed him in the shower. I wiped his rear after going to the bathroom. Everything. I focused so much on him that I aggravated an previous injury of mine and was in an immense amount of back pain, but I still got on the ground and washed his feet when he asked.

 

He had a really hard time handling what was happening to him. He would often shut down on me and not talk much, or be very sharp and rude to me when I would try to help. He would not ask the nurses to do anything for him, he only wanted me to do it. He also would not do much himself either.

 

About a week after the surgery, he was told what caused him to get sick. A bacteria that was very strong and hard to get rid of. He would have to be on IV meds for 6 weeks, then by pill another 6-9 months. He did not take this well. He shut down and stopped talking one day. I was emotionally and physically worn out to the point of breaking. I was going back to work and because of my back, I could no longer sleep up there with him. He did not like that I was gone from him, but said he understood. After accepting his diagnosis and treatment plan, he asked me to move in with him after he was released. We planned to move in together this summer anyways after his kids got here, but because of his meds, he could no longer go anywhere other than doctors appointments, so my cats needed to come with me to be cared for. I did not even think twice and said yes. Called my apartment the next day and gave notice. He was released that weekend and I moved my necessities over that weekend.

[flaminghair81]

He was really weak and sore. I hated seeing him in so much pain. I wanted to take it away from him if I could, but there was nothing I could do but be there for him. I helped him as he needed, but there were so many times he seemed like he did not want me to be there. I got very insecure. He was so quiet. There were days where he would not talk to me at all. He did not touch me anymore. If we kissed, it was the generic peck kiss. I started to really miss him, even though he was sitting on the other end of the couch or laying in the bed next to me. I started to fall into the depression he was in. I tried to talk to him about it, but he did not want to talk. He wanted to deal with it in his own way. I told him how much it hurt, that I felt he did not want me there. Was I just there to be his nurse and cook? Did he want me or just a warm body there to help him. He swore that he wanted me, he loves me, he wants me with him. He just needs time.

 

Three weeks after getting released, we had to get the kids. He did not want me to meet the ex, so he had me go away when she dropped the kids off at the hotel. That was somewhat understandable I guess. I tried to not make to much out of it. I was already worried about meeting his kids. Would we get along? Would I have my place with them? Yes, we did and yes I did. The whole thing was so natural, much like how he and I met and fell in love and it just fit. Same thing. We got back, my apartment had to be packed up and out that next week. That was hard, putting all of my stuff in storage. Coming home to only my clothes and my two cats. But I was with who I loved, so it did not matter.

 

I got into a good routine. Wake up at 5:30, hook him up to the IV, go back to bed for about an hour, then get up and get ready. By the time I was ready, the medicine was done, I'd unhook him and go to work. He'd sleep late, same as the kids. They all stayed up until all hours of the night. Since he was still sick, he could not leave to do things with the kids during the day. When I would get home from work, I'd hook him up to his medicine, then I would be beckoned to play games. The kids were so bored, stuck in the small 3 bedroom apartment. The small small 1-1/2 bathroom apartment. I had no personal space. The kids would follow me into my room, into the kitchen, everywhere. He and I had no way we could talk without a kid around, but it really did not matter since he really did not talk much anyways. He was getting stronger, feeling better each day. He still did not touch me. Rarely kissed me. Never held me. I was sad most of the time, but kept a strong face for the kids.

 

I found a house to rent that month. We had talked before he got sick about moving in together into a house once the kids got here. The walls were closing in on me, so I jumped on it when I found a house, around the corner from his brother in-law, 4 bedroom, 2 bath, nice back yard, tons of space. We started getting that rolling. The kids had told him they wanted to live with him in December. He waited until they were with him to start anything. Then he finds out, after wasting weeks of time, that it was going to be very hard to get it done this summer. So the best thing was to try to work something out with his ex. She said no. The kids were so upset, and so was he. I was too. I had fallen in love with these two kids too. He still was not showing me love and affection. He used his pain as the excuse, that he hurt. But he did many physical things, so how could he do those but not show me physical love? Was it me? I slipped further into being sad and depressed. I was sleeping next to someone who did not want to touch me. But wanted me there. Why? One night he knew how upset I was and he forced himself to sleep with me. It was horrible. I don't want sex to be forced on either party. I wanted him to want me like I wanted him.

 

The summer started moving faster. We had 4 weeks left with the kids. We went on a family vacation to his home town to visit his family. Spent a week there. They were so wonderful to me. So thankful for me taking care of him while he was sick. I told them I never thought twice, I love him. The weekend after we go back, we moved into the house. Crazy HOT weekend, but it all got done and we got settled enough. He started back to work. He did not like not being able to be home with the kids all day. That next weekend, we went to his uncle's to fish with the kids. It was a good weekend. That week was the last week. I took the kids shopping, took a day off of work to spend with them and him. Life gets in the way though and he could not come with us due to a maintenance thing at the house. That week was hard for him and me. We fought a lot. There were many times we just did not talk. It was easier than fighting. I had given up on physical affection. He would hug me more, but still peck kisses. When we had our good days, he told me that things were going to get back to normal. He was feeling better and we would get back to where we were. I hoped that we would.

 

He left with the kids that Friday. Instead of coming back home, he took off work and went to visit his family some more. He left me home alone. A new house, that we had moved into with his children. Two rooms that had their stuff in it, but would not have them in it until December. He left me alone to handle missing not just him, but the kids. While he was gone, we texted and talked some. He never seemed like he missed me. He never seemed eager to come home to our home that we were making with each other. I started to slip further into a depression. I cried every day and every night that week. The day came alone that he was heading back. Still, did not seem to want to be home. He split the trip up over two days. The first night, I cried myself to sleep. I missed him so much and I was terrified that when he got home, that I would know that he did not miss me. The day he was to come home, he only texted me when he left. I texted him, like I always do when either him or I are traveling and are on the last leg home, a count down to how much longer before we were together. No response all day. I was so scared at this point.

 

He texted me that afternoon that he was home. My nerves took over. What would I do if I walked in and he did not stand up to hug me and kiss me? What would I do if his actions showed what he was giving me over the phone and via text, that he did not miss me nor did he want to be there? As sad as it is, I had my plan of what to do if that's what happened. But wow, why should anyone need that type of back up plan? Shouldn't he want to see me, hold me, touch me, kiss me? I wanted to be in his arms so bad, but I was so scared he would not want me.

 

It was so crazy. 7 months ago, almost to the day, we were so madly and crazy in love. He was coming back from visiting his kids. I was so excited to be with him, he was so excited to be with me. Both so vocal in text and over the phone.

 

What happened to those two people?

[flaminghair81]

Walking in the door that day, I was terrified. I held my breath, put my purse and keys down, he stood up from the couch and walked over to hug me. It felt so good to have his arms around me. We kissed, then let go of each other. There was awkwardness, more on me of not knowing what to do now. All other times we had been away from each other and were reunited, we would go straight to the bedroom and reconnect physically. I did not have my hopes up for that. I saw his bag of dirty clothes, so I started to gather together other laundry. He followed me into our room and pulled me towards him, and asked me why I was going to do laundry when he had something better in mind. This was the first time in almost 2 months that we had be physical with each other, and I remembered how much I missed it.

 

The weekend went on, I missed the kids really bad, so did he. We really did not talk much, and I sunk into a really depressed mood. When we finally did start to talk, I found out that his daughter lost her phone the day she was reunited with her mother due to a poor attitude and that he had not spoken with the kids since that Sunday. His ex was now being extremely spiteful and was not answering her phone or returning his calls. Life started to go back to normal to a degree. I started to get better with not having the kids there, but not talking to them still hurt. We did not even get to talk to his son on his birthday the following week or get to speak to them their first week of school. This has been very hard on him.

 

The physical side of our relationship is hit or miss. Still peck kisses and a morning hug, that was pretty much it through the month of August. As each day passed, I stared to feel less and less and was just unhappy. I had a breaking point mid-month. Tired of him not talking to me, tired of him telling me I was wrong when we would talk. Tired of feeling like we were nothing more than roommates. Did he love me? Did he still want me? I had made sexual advances and I was always turned down. Was he not attracted to me anymore? He said he loved me, but then he went into my weight. I have weighed the same since we've met. He met me knowing that I was not a skinny girl. This devastated me. It took about a week, but I worked through my pain, thinking more of where that came from. That he could not give me a straight answer and went to my weight to shut me up. We ended up working through it, but still, things just were not getting back to what I wanted it to be.

 

We had decided to go on a getaway over Labor day weekend, a getaway that was planned for May but had to be canceled because of him getting sick. I had planned for this getaway to be what we needed to reconnect, everything that I had hoped it would be when planning it earlier in the year and then more with everything else that had been going on. I was sadly disappointed. No romance, no intimacy, no connection between the two of us. It was basically like being at home, but in a single room instead of house. We fought over something stupid, then once I had calmed down, I tried to reach out to him and he flat out ignored me. I cried myself to sleep that night. When we got home, I went through the same thing with him again from earlier, that I as plain unhappy with the way we were living. That I needed more, was he willing to give it? He looked at me and said "I don't know". I asked him to sleep in another room that night, I did not want him near me. He then told me that his ex's phone was now turned off and he still had not talked to the kids in weeks. He slept on the couch.

 

He was still asleep when I left that morning. I did a lot of thinking that day, trying to figure out what was going on. Knowing how much not talking to his kids is effecting him, how he still has pain from his surgery and also with the medicine he's been on for months messing up his stomach, I realized this is not me. Its not me that is causing anything. He is the one that is stopping us form being close. He is the one that is the problem. Now, am I willing to try to tough it out until things get better? Its been 4 months so far, how long will I hold on? How much do I love him and do I really think he will be able to give me what I need for the rest of my life if he cannot see that I am suffering through all of this just like he is, and he is not offering me any support?

 

I am not sure. I know that I love him. I have stood by him from day 1. How long should I give it? Who knows if his pain will ever go away. His ex being spiteful will always be there. November 1, 2011 will be the day I will make my decision.

 

I want the man that I fell head over heels in love with back. I catch glimpses of him here and there, so I know he's not completely gone. All I have right now is hope to hold onto.

[flaminghair81]

Two more months have passed now. We've had our ups and downs in those months. I've been so mad at him for not trying. He was continuing to push me away, to let me go without a fight. Why would I want to be with someone who would not try to make things better or try to make me want to be with him? I was done. So much to the point that I put his stuff in another room and told him that I was done. That actually got him to speak up and start to fight. That night was the start of a turning point. He started to see that he was neglecting our relationship. That just letting it be on autopilot was going to make it crash and burn. That I needed him to not be so selfish and to start to think about me also.

 

After that night, things were slowly changing. His attitude was better, he was more affectionate and I could tell that he was no longer only thinking about himself. But things were still in a low spot for us. On November 1st, it was my day to make a decision. Things were better in general, but there was still more that I needed from him in order to make me staying with him worth it for me. We had a long night full of emotional conversation. This was the most we've been able to talk since before he got sick. He was open, I was open, it was really good. He admitted that he had been in a funk and that he needed to get out of it and stop ignoring important things.

 

I decided to stay.

 

Since then, he has made big changes. The glimpses that I only saw before are now not just glimpses, but full days of who he was before. Slowly but surely, he is coming back to me. We still have a ways to go, but we are on the right track now.