Move on or Hope

[Nowill]

Me and my wife were married for 10 years , had three boys aged 10 , 8,7 when she said that she wanted a divorce. Eventually found out that she was having an affair, and subsequently found out she had 2 prior to this one. We were the separated for 6 months . She asked me to come back which I did , went for counselling for a year , Ten years later found out she was having another , confronted her , which she denied , eventually I got hold of her cell phone itemized billing . ( My eldest son at the time was 17 years old and he told me he was suspicious about my wife being on the phone with someone at night when I was working late. The phone records verified my suspicion, 171 calls to this person over a month and these were periods when I was either at work or not at home.

I decided that I would leave my wife and go and stay with my folks and file for divorce . Two weeks later went out with some friends and met her second cousin who was also going through a divorce. We connected as good friends . AS time went on we saw one another for coffee and chatted allot , two months later we started a relationship . We only saw each other every second weekend . Her parents were unaware of our relationship and we kept it a secret , except her sister and some of my friends. 8 months later she was finally divorced.

2 years down the line we were still only seeing each other every 2nd weekend and sms and emailing and phoning each other every day. My divorce date is in October . I was eventually introduced to her 11 year old daughter 5 weeks ago . I knew that she was feeling guilty from keeping this from her parents as she always mentioned this .

4 weeks ago I did not sms her as much as I usually do . On Monday morning she wants to breakup . her reason being I put her on hold that weekend . Then finally she sends me a mail . Please don’t sms her as she will not return and knows it will hurt her and me , also that she is to scared to bring our relationship out to her parents , as she does not know how they will react . ( In her previous marriage she had an emotional affair which she told her parents , which did not go off well )

She says she loves me like she’s never loved before but cant get over the Guilt.

ALSO THAT WE WILL TRY AGAIN ONCE MY DIVORCE IS FINALIZED.

I have respected her wishes and have gone NC for 15 days. I love this woman so much and this is killing me. Should I keep hope that once my divorce is finalised that she will be willing to try again or do I just go on with my life

[LoveHurts89]

I don't doubt that this woman loves you, not at all. But her priorities are not in the right place, and her words are not backed up by actions. She says she loves you more than anybody else she has before, and if this is the case, she wouldn't want to lose you. Two weeks NC is a very short period of time. In a few more weeks, she may realise the mistake she's made, which I'd expect her to if she was genuine about you being the one she loves with all of her heart, like no other before. I don't feel comfortable offering advice, as I've screwed up a million times. I assume this woman knows you'd like to reconcile? If so, then it's for her to come to you. If you haven't expressed this yet, maybe a letter night be effective. Let her know you respect her decision, and if this is really the end, then to continue NC. If she wants to reconcile, then to let you know, otherwise you will not be holding on waiting for her. This is a mistake I've made. I've told him pretty much everyday that I'm waiting. And so he knows he could come back at the drop of a hat if he ever wished to. Putting all the power in his hands.

[Nowill]

Hi LoveHurts , thanks for replying .

I have sent her a mail when we broke up telling her that I’m going nowhere and she knows this . My heart and guts tell me this would be the best way to do this , leave it till my divorce is finalized and then try start a new relationship with her in the right way , no hiding and lying to her parents .

Im just so scared that when the time comes , she has moved on . I try and stay positive but its hard to just shutout the amazing times we have had together , as her saying , Its so hard to end a relationship that has been this good .

I have tried to analyse our relationship and the one thing that bothered me about her was , that she gave the impression that she was a strong person , ruled by her mind and not her heart . I will always be OK , She was very independent , good job , great mother . But what got me thinking was when I told her I love her , she would always ask why , this has led me to believe that she is insecure AS per her making a huge issue of the sms over that weekend. Another issue is my soon to be Ex Wife , She is a very attractive woman and she could be threatened by this . I have never given her reason to be insecure , I adore her . She also has mentioned a couple of times ( Please don’t break my heart ).

I’m just battling to comprehend all of this . I have read about 14 books already , trying to make sense of all this , started meditation as this is impacting my whole life , my job is suffering and I hold a senior position , just do not know what to do anymore

[Unwanted]

HOPE IS NOT A STRATEGY!!

 

Hehe I learned that this week. I know it's a very cynical way of looking at life, but hoping will just hurt you. You need to just take one step at a time. Try and take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your own life, noone else. The only person that can help you now is yourself.

 

If she contacts you after your divorce and wants to reconcile, you can take it from there. For the meantime, hoping will destroy you. You will fantasise and romanticise the future and you'll be stuck in some kind of black hole.

 

I know you're in No Man's Land at the moment, but you need to crawl out of it. Easier said than done I know, but it is possible.

 

Respect her decision, as crap as it seems. When she's ready she'll hopefully come back.

 

Please take care of yourself first. Regain focus again. Don't try to make sense of anything, it will f&ck with your mind. If meditation is not working for you, seek counselling/therapy or even see your doctor. I know that's all very airy-fairy at the moment, but trust me, it works. Let them know what you have tried so they can suggest some practical things for you to undertake.

 

Goodluck and we're all here for you =)

[nattpanter]

You really can`t decide to move on or not... We think we control it, but we don`t. You need to keep walking and believe that the future holds something good for you... I think accepting we control very little in life is both liberating and makes us happier...

[CatsMeeoow]

This isn't your first or second post asking this question.

 

I often see when people don't get the answers THEY want the just keep asking the same question until they do get what they wanted to hear.

 

I'm not trying to offend but you get good advice from people who have been in your shoes and walked your path of heartbreak. We been through it and know how bad it feels and we deeply sympathize with that. But, the bottom line is she has for whatever reason cut you off - perhaps just out of guilt. Relationships in secret often never really live in the real world... the odds are so stacked against. But, even still she has made her decision.

 

The very best thing you can do for yourself is move on. No one on the history of this board had an ex come back when they were just sitting around waiting and hoping for it to happen. You need to respect her choice. By all means you could have told her how much you disagree with it... how much you do love her and are devoted to make it work but in the end its not up to you. Give her some space and time and let her see for herself if she misses you. In the meantime you need to realize its in your own best interest to move on... accept this and focus on the ending of your marriage... tie up loose ends... focus on your kids. No one here will be able to tell you if this woman will ever come back... so we can't say she won't either. All we can do is support you in your heartache... listen to how much you miss her or how hard it is to sleep at night and on the off chance she contacts you we can help you realize if its legitimate or just searching for an ego boost. But, you need to accept your current reality.

 

HUGS!

[Nowill]

Thanks for everyone’s reply, I do know that for my own sanity I have to move on and start looking after myself. Its been 15 days of NC and I’m just hitting one of those low days. I am trying to recover as quick as possible. Going to gym twice a day (I know I’m not doing any favour’s to my body) , already lost 10 kg in two weeks but its helping me to sleep, doing a lot of research.

Thanks CatsMeeoow for the honesty , sometimes we need to hear what we don’t want to hear

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to look at this realistically. She had cheated on her husband. She kept your relationship with her a secret. At the time you both met you were both fresh into your respective marriage breakdowns. Is it really love or is it two people who can't be alone and need a partner. Given her history, she may very well have latched on to someone else.

[CatsMeeoow]

I know how difficult the path is that you are walking... been there too! As for NC I failed miserably! The key thing is to remember is that there is nothing you can do to change how she currently feels but that are lots of things you can do that can validate the way she feels which means the more you push and beg at this point in time the more you push her away.

 

We sort of panic that if they don't see us or talk to us that they forget us - which is completely NOT true. My ex who I am friends with now thought all the time if he made the right choice and wondered what I was doing but I never trusted him to do that and ended up creating a worse situation... we laugh about it now. But, you also have to remember that just because she thinks about you and indeed misses you doesn't mean she wants the relationship back.

 

Going to the gym is great as it keeps you busy and focused on something else - even if its just a short time.

 

On the days you are having a hard time maintaining NC then come for support... there are plenty here in the very same stage you are. Then there are lots like me - on the other side of heartbreak. We lived and we moved on. I'm happily married to a great guy and well my ex... he is still single and at times is very regretful letting me go... alas life can be so crazy!

 

Do your best to stay occupied and do some things with your kids. Find something new that you've been wanting to try and go for it!

 

You get through it a day at a time.

[Nowill]

CatsMeeoow , Thanks for your insight and wisdom , I am definitely going to stick to NC , as I do believe actions speak louder than words , She wanted this and I do love her unconditionally and I will respect her decision .

[leaningpixie]

Hi Nowill,

you sound a little like me in wanting to comprehend and decide what to do... yesterday! I resonate with that.

 

But I'd like to point out to you that what you wrote might be a reason to think more about what YOU want from her. I too am uncomfortable with people who let their unchecked/untested emotions drive the car, so to speak, and I too am uncomfortable with insecure people. More than the breakup per se I would be bothered by the *reason* behind it, as in the fear of her parents reaction. I mean, if you keep pursuing her, are you going to have to take the brunt of her fear of somebody's withdrawal of approval or what? I mean, I understand having that fear - I don't condone dumping it on another human being. Fears need to be faced and overcame. Granted, it takes time, discipline, etc but that's the way it is. One definitely can't make you suffer in order to avoid the possible (???) negative reaction of her parents.

 

Ask to yourself: what are you willing to put up with for this woman?

 

I made the mistake of getting in a relationship with a needy person thinking I would help him out of that pit.... net result: I was put through an industrial amount of disrespect because of what his (adult) kids, parents, friends, whatever would think of me. Ultimately, I think a major contributing factor to his "reasons" for breaking up was that his friends weren't comfortable with me being honest and outspoken. A person like that will always put "form" ahead of substance, so be careful.

[Nowill]

How pathetic I am, feeling sorry for myself here on a Saturday night , 3rd weekend in a row , lying in bed and just cant get her out of my mind . Friends have asked me to go out with them over the last few weeks, but all I want to do is be alone and deal with my misery and reality . how long will this go on I keep asking myself. Why do I give her all this power over me ?

 

leaningpixie

Ask to yourself: what are you willing to put up with for this woman? I would have done about anything , so sad

[Nowill]

20 Days of NC , Feeling like There will be no tomorrow . The weekend I handled well , being with my kids , but Today must be one of the toughest days I have gone through . I have had 5 relationships including a 20 year marriage and this is the worst I have felt , At the age of 45 one would think that you would be mature and secure within oneself to cope and handle this better . All I can think about is her . But I will never let myself contact her , this I promised myself.

[Nowill]

It had been 24 days NC , Then Like a fool last night after a few beers , ( I’m not a drinker ) I Text her saying Sorry but I miss her so much , and then try and phone her and she doesn’t answer and I leave a voice mail . What an idiot I am , why cant I just move on . Well one thing I will be avoiding in the next couple of months is alcohol. It just intensifies all the pain and emotion

[Nowill]

I heard from my Lawyers on Friday that my divorce will by finalized on the 5th of August , two months earlier than expected . ( which I am so happy for ). My Girlfriend which ended our relationship stated in our last conversation two months ago , that once my divorce is finalized we can then try and start a relationship again.( She broke off our relationship due to complications , in my previous posts. My question is , do I break no contact now and tell her that it will be settled on the 5th of August or I wait until it is complete and then contact her .

[lemsip]

^^ thumbs up

[lemsip]

I heard from my Lawyers on Friday that my divorce will by finalized on the 5th of August , two months earlier than expected . ( which I am so happy for ). My Girlfriend which ended our relationship stated in our last conversation two months ago , that once my divorce is finalized we can then try and start a relationship again.( She broke off our relationship due to complications , in my previous posts. My question is , do I break no contact now and tell her that it will be settled on the 5th of August or I wait until it is complete and then contact her .

 

I say you tell her on the day it goes through - make her the first person you ring.

[Nowill]

Would it be better to email her or to call in person . I was thinking in the lines of sending her email something in the lines of

Hi ****** , hope this finds you well ,My divorce is eventually finalised .

I still have hope for Us , call me.

 

I just don’t want to come accross needy

[Nowill]

As my gf broke up our relationship, due to me not being divorced . My Divorce date is next Friday . Would this mail be appropriate or should I just leave it and get on with my Life. I’m doing much better now , but I do not want to regret later in life , that maybe what she said was in fact the truth , ( Get your divorce finalized and then we will try again )

 

Hi ****,

Eventually after so many months of frustration the divorce is finally over and settled with. (Think I need a Noddy badge).

It’s been tough these past few months (I know for both of us) but I do respect your decision as I can only imagine what you must have been going through.

I however have still got so much hope for us on starting a new relationship. (The last e-mail you sent me, we will try again once you’re divorce is over).

I fell in love with the person you are. (Never wanted to change you)

If you really would like to give this a go. ( Please don’t do this for me , It must be what you want and only for you , then let me know even if you want time , for us to take it slow , I’m going nowhere, if this is what you want ).

And it was not fair of me to mention that other people are going forward with their lives (**** and ****, **** and her new Advocate boyfriend) why not us, You have better values and Morals than them and Yes our relationship was weird, but I believe that there are so many positives that we could use and build a new relationship with.

I never want to look back in my life and regret any chances I should have taken and this would be one of them, giving us a second chance

You are not a stubborn, cold and heartless person that you say you are “hehe” and your heart is not broken or does not work (I’ve experienced your kind and loving heart)

I don’t know if there are any other factors that may influence your decision on starting over, as I presume the divorce was the only hurdle, if not then let’s speak about it. I know that we both respect and value each other and we can be openly honest.

Please remember I am not here to break your heart, never have been, and never will. “Actions speak louder than words “

I will give you a call later , would like to meet you for a Coffee so we can speak

[LoveHurts89]

I think all of those things are better said to the face. I think something shorter and more to the point would be better. Just tell her the divorce is finalised and if she still stands by what she said at the time of break up, then to call you.

[Nowill]

LoveHurts89 , thanks for the reply , I just dont think that I am emotionaly ready to speak or see her face to face . I dont want to blow it